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Observation:
When the BS goes into Plan B it is for self-protection and also to preserve any remaining love bank units. Right?
The "tighter" and "darker" the Plan B, the better preservation of the love bank units. Right?
The love you are protecting also causes heartache.
You miss your wayward.
No matter how dumb they have behaved, you miss him/her because the love bank is still active.
Hence, Plan B can feel like self inflicted punishment, at times.
The longer the remaining love lasts, the longer the missing/heartbreak lasts.
Question:
I never did a Plan B.
I need help to figure this out.
I am asking/soliciting experienced Plan B'ers for their advice/wisdom to help out current Plan B'ers.
What do you advise Plan B'ers do with their heartache? What might they do when they are missing their wayward so much it is physically painful?
I don't recall if this has ever been fully discussed.
If it has, please direct me to that discussion.
I am at a loss to help out fellow MB'ers who are in pain because they still love their wayward so very much.
Opinion:
I dislike it when some forum members trash the beloved wayward.
WE in the peanut gallery don't carry the burden of unrequited love for that particular wayward, but the betrayed does.
It is my opinion that the love bank ought to be respected since it is the basis for the Harley methods.
End of post:
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Wow, Pep. You sure can stir it up, can't you?  As one who has been in a deep, dark Plan B almost from the time it was suggested to me, I have come to realize that what it represents to me is protection and recovery. It's often said on these forums that Plan B is for the BS, not to punish the WS. I completely agree with this. At the beginning, I broke Plan B several times by using the snooping tools I had employed to confirm the A. I came to realize that every time I did so, I "reset the clock" back to D-Day. This had the effect of DRAINING MY LOVE BANK/ Today, WxW and I have gone down different paths. She no longer exists for me. Oh, the memories still exist, but that's part of the benefit of Plan B: I no longer have to live with the horror and pain that she inflicted on me -- and that's what breaking Plan B does. Plan B was like going into alcohol withdrawal -- at first it was hard and unpleasant. But as the addiction is broken, the benefits of abstinence can be seen and felt. And let's be truthful: Dr. Harley does not suggest that combined Plans A & B will recover a marriage alone. They are only the first steps to recovery. Plan B is my ONGOING RECOVERY from a condition I do not wish to revisit.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Thanks Fred.
How does one (me) comfort/advise a BS who still misses the WS terribly after a year in Plan B?
There are young children involved, so there is never complete Plan B darkness.
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The first stage of Plan B is the most painful. You are in your own withdrawal from your beloved.
If you are dark and don't peek, you are in a better place within as Fred said.
Any time you peek, it creates Taker animosity that gets in the way of any potential rebuilding of a marriage in the future.
Betrayed need to know that the grief is real, is human, is not pleasant but a phase you need to go through to find peace. The peace comes faster if you do not try to stay aware of the wayward's activities. You have to let the wayward work through their issues on their own and tend to yours. Nurture your own self. That will help the betrayed get stronger and happier to handle the separation from their beloved spouse. They will get self respect as they go through the process.
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Thanks Reading.
What happens to the love units in a dark Plan B?
Do love units leak out slowly in a dark Plan B? Could you feel/sense love units getting smaller?
Do you find that as time goes by, you miss the wayward less and less?
Is the missing the wayward increased or decreased in a DARK Plan B?
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Pep, in a very real sense I think it's like dealing with death. There is nothing you can do to make *the person you want* return. You can only put them in a safe place within yourself and try to remember what was best about them.
There's really no working around the pain except to try to keep busy. Little things help. Often there are no big things.
Of course, with Plan B the WS still exists, and there is always that 1% chance that they will Wake Up and return. But the instinct for self-preservation soon overrides any willingness to seek them out. *They* would have to return and *they* would have to make that happen, and if they don't it would only be more of the same torment.
If there are aspects of addiction present, it can help to think of WS as an addict. An addict cares nothing for anybody - not even for themselves. They only care about their drug. This emphasizes that they are NOT the person you remember.
If small children are involved, maybe more than one IM could help. The greater the darkness of Plan B, the more serenity *and control of the situation* the BS/XBS will have.
Oh, and it's okay to still love the WS/XWS. You can give yourself permission to do that. You just have to realize that that person doesn't exist anymore. There is a very small chance that that person will come back, but it is very small indeed.
I sympathize. And I appreciate that you understand how hard recovery from this truly is. Recovery with a repentant FWS is one thing. Recovery from being abandoned and thrown away like last week's garbage by an XWS/Addict is a very different thing and is a whole 'nother ball game.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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I think the Love Units weaken. You don't feel like you must have the wayward in your life to be happy. You are like an addict who has been through recovery and the love is there to be recovered/reignited but not ever present in your daily life and mind.
You miss the wayward less and less.
As with any Love Bank account/addiction (just like if a wayward stops contact with a partner in adultery and ever sees them), if the two (BS and WS) are reaquainted in the future....WHOOSH......the account balance can rise back high and quick with deposits of emotional needs met in the love bank.
The only thing that would snuff the love out completely would be a semi dark plan B with peeking at the waywards activities. That would make a betrayed more resentful and less likely to allow for future love bank deposits.
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If there are aspects of addiction present, it can help to think of WS as an addict. An addict cares nothing for anybody - not even for themselves. They only care about their drug. This emphasizes that they are NOT the person you remember. This does help me, this type of thinking. Of course adding OW addiction along with alcohol and suspected drug abuse/addiction makes it a litte harder to focus. Recovery from being abandoned and thrown away like last week's garbage by an XWS/Addict is a very different thing and is a whole 'nother ball game. It is hard enough for me as an adult to deal with, trying to perserve my own LB. What about the kids who are abandoned, ignored, not called/text for weeks, no shows for planned event,ect...? I'm talking teens here who are trying to forge their own identities and are thrust into the throws of WSs 'selfish' behavior. What happens to their LBs? WS doesnt seem to care, maybe WS does, but for whatever reasons refuses to acknowledge. That doesn't help the child at all. There are only so many times I can appologize for WS actions to our children before those actions start taking from MY LB!
BS/ME 47 Met on blind date
WH 46(Alcoholic,drugs?)
DS1:18 DS2:15
1st A EA9/07 PA10/07 NC11/07
2nd A EA/PA-10/2010
Found out- 11/20/2010
He moved out-1/1/2011 same apt.cmplx as OW(&her kids)
PlanB-1/1/11(broken)
NEW PB-2/11 Taking it one day at a time
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who say to God, "Thy will be done" and those to whom God says, "Alright then, have it your way." ~C .S.Lewis
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Mitzie, stop appoligizing for his actions.
Just take responsibility for your own personal parenting activities. Be there for them but don't try to explain Dads lack of being there. Nod in understanding and hug them. (No explaining or making excuses for why Dad is the way he is now).
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And I appreciate that you understand how hard recovery from this truly is. Recovery with a repentant FWS is one thing. Recovery from being abandoned and thrown away like last week's garbage by an XWS/Addict is a very different thing and is a whole 'nother ball game. Totally! Which is why I am asking for help. I feel like I don't have the experience to address these issues properly. Thanks Mulan.
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IMHO, Plan B is the ultimate action of the BS Giver using Plan A. It is the ultimate and last action of the "Carrot and Stick of Plan A", all bundled up in one package.
The Carrot part is a statement; "I will keep and protect what Love I have for us". I do believe that the WS is much maligned as the enemy of the marriage. It is not true. The enemy of the marriage is the Affair and Wayward behavior. In being in Plan B you are protecting the WS from further harm to the marriage. If a WS ever becomes FWS how can they not feel enormous pain and suffering for their actions. So by being in Plan B we have removed the knife they have been holding to their marriage and causing further harm.
The Stick part of Plan B involves the deposits and withdrawals from the $LB. We are declaring to WS that we will no longer be making deposits into their $LB and no longer allowing them to make deposits into our $LB.
In conclusion, Plan B allows the BS to GIVE the WS a choice.
Choose! Good or Bad! Right or Wrong! I love you enough to let you choose.
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Thanks Fred.
How does one (me) comfort/advise a BS who still misses the WS terribly after a year in Plan B? It has been my second hand experience as IM that the longer fades the longer the BS is in Plan B. Dr Harley mentions this effect. The BS withdraws from the WS and starts feeling better in about 3-4 weeks. The feeling gets better and better. So while they might still love the WS, they no longer long for him. While the love units might be protected, the feeling of love fades and has to be rekindled, so to speak, if reconciliation takes place. It is sort of like an alcoholic who doesn't drink and stays out of bars for 20 years. Those "love units" are still there, but they are in hibernation and can be rekindled with a first drink.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[When the BS goes into Plan B it is for self-protection and also to preserve any remaining love bank units. Right?
The "tighter" and "darker" the Plan B, the better preservation of the love bank units. Right?
The love you are protecting also causes heartache. The BS goes into Plan B to protect herself from the extreme emotional trauma of adultery; the purpose is to protect the BS from having a nervous breakdown. The darker the Plan B, the more protected the BS is from the affair, the better the preservation of her mental health. When a WS refuses to leave the lover, there are no good options for the BS. At first, plan A is recommended because there is a slim hope (15%) that, with encouragement, a WS will make the decision to leave the lover. But 85% don't do that, even when plan A is implemented perfectly.
That leaves two other choices which are both bad. The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS. The problem with a coninuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.
So I've recommended plan B rather early in the effort to separate the WS from his lover. In your case, you've noticed that you have experienced a detached feeling about it all, even your husband's filing for divorce. That's the way it's supposed to turn out. You are far more attractive while in emotional control of yourself than you would ever be begging and pleading for his return. You tried that tactic already, and it hasn't worked.
Plan B doesn't always work, but it does protect you from the intense emotional pain that you could be experiencing day in and day out. Your husband may divorce you, but it won't be because you have implemented plan B. And if he returns to you, it won't be because you have implemented plan B. But if he does return, with a sincere willingness to completely leave his lover and follow our plan for recovery, he'll find a wife who is still sane if you follow plan B.
If your husband goes through with his plan to divorce you, he will be making the biggest mistake of his life. But you will be far less impacted by the emotional fallout if you are in plan B at the time. Don't assume that his actions are your fault. You have done everything you can to get him back. All you can do now is to protect yourself from your husband's second biggest mistake of his life -- his affair.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I usually advise the betrayed spouse to wait two years in Plan B before divorcing. That would give you plenty of time to plan for the divorce, and time for his affair to die a natural death. And you will find that as time passes in Plan B, your desire to reconcile will diminish if his affair does not die during that time. By the time the two years is up, and you divorce, you will have less conflict over the decision.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The primary reason you are in good shape emotionally and physically is that you have been in plan B for a year. It's not designed to save your marriage -- it's designed to keep you healthy while giving your husband more time to find his way. If he doesn't see the light, divorce is inevitable, but at least you would be protected by plan B. Quite frankly, when someone is in the fog, plan A really doesn't help much. The affair must die a natural death before the fog lifts, and that can take longer than a year.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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IMO the best thing a hurting BS can do to help quell the pain is to a.) avoid getting ANY intel about the WS ~ good OR bad and b.) keep very, very busy.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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I also worked on myself a lot ~ not only physically but also emotionally ~ I read a lot of books on self-improvement during Plan B also. This helped me to feel stronger and better about myself since the A had wrecked my self-confidence.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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And not that recovery with a repentant FWS is any picnic - I'm sure it's not. Recovery after abandonment is just different.
I certainly agree that avoiding any and all info about what the XWS is doing is vitally important. Do not ever let them rub it in your face how "happy" they are now and how they just want you to be "happy", too.
No way, no how. Sickening.
And try to keep people around. The loneliness is perhaps the most difficult aspect to deal with. Even when recovery with a FWS gets tough, at least there's somebody there. Loneliness can be the hardest thing of all. Even a couple of goofy cats is better than no one at all.
Do the "love units" fade away after enough time in Plan B? Maybe for some, they do. But this may not happen and a newly divorced XBS must be ready for this.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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I dislike it when some forum members trash the beloved wayward.
WE in the peanut gallery don't carry the burden of unrequited love for that particular wayward, but the betrayed does.
Awesome observation on multiple fronts. 1) If a poster happens to bring it up, they are contributing to the Plan B BS focusing on their WS. 2) If the Plan B BS brings it up, and a poster participates, they perpetuate the Plan B BS focusing on their WS. 3) Posters come here hurt, betrayed, and vulnerable - looking for a sympathetic ear and an experienced voice. A poster who develops respect and rapport with a BS, and then proceeds to trash their WS is aiding and abetting the destruction of the marriage; the decision is that of the BS to make about their spouse. Assumptions made through advice or opinions which are contrary to the goals of the BS are destructive, not constructive. Weighing "experience, expertise, or opinion" to sway a BS from their goal is, for lack of any better description, disgusting.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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And not that recovery with a repentant FWS is any picnic - I'm sure it's not. Recovery after abandonment is just different.
I certainly agree that avoiding any and all info about what the XWS is doing is vitally important. Do not ever let them rub it in your face how "happy" they are now and how they just want you to be "happy", too.
No way, no how. Sickening.
And try to keep people around. The loneliness is perhaps the most difficult aspect to deal with. Even when recovery with a FWS gets tough, at least there's somebody there. Loneliness can be the hardest thing of all. Even a couple of goofy cats is better than no one at all.
Do the "love units" fade away after enough time in Plan B? Maybe for some, they do. But this may not happen and a newly divorced XBS must be ready for this. Been really thinking over this today, and have been trying to wrap my head around how to explain the thought of it. The simplest way, I suppose, is to say that the "7th" Love Buster is Time. I kind of imagine the LB$ as a large, open water tank. Regular LBs are like removing water from the tank a bucket at a time, and LB$ deposits are like pouring water in. However, at all times the water in the tank is suffering the imperceptible loss of evaporation. Plan B removes the buckets - but evaporation still occurs. In fact, evaporation occurs in Ms not experiencing infidelity or LB behavior, but are not having enough LB$ deposits made to compensate for evaporation. Thus, even in the absence of infidelity, in the absence of LB behavior, the balance still fades over... Time, the "7th" LB.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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