I recently found out that my husband of 9 years has been involved in an emotional affair with one of his employees. We all work in the same store and her and I were friendly. I started to become suspicious of a realtionship when she stopped talking to me and started watching me intently when I would talk to my husband. At the time I was 7 months pregnant. I confronted my husband and asked him of there was something going on with them on more than one occassion. Every time he told me there wasn't. He said it was all in my head and I figured with my raging hormones that maybe it was. I assured me he loved me and I believed him. He has always been a model husband. After the birth of our son a month ago, I noticed that he was coming home later from work and he was attached to his cell phone, never letting it out of site, even sleeping with it in his pocket. I confronted him again and this time he told me that they were involved. He said they started out as really good friends and that's all it meant to him. I asked him if he was in love with her and he said I don't think so, which he later recanted and said he did love her but he was still in love with me. He said he wants to be with me and our son. He says I wasn't there for him when he needed me and she was and that they never had intercourse (which I don't know if I believe). He said he broke it off with her after I confronted him but he still has to work with her. He agreed to move away but the lease on our apartment isn't up for 7 months and we cannot afford to break it. Oh and here's the kicker. While I was in the hospital giving birth to our son, he was calling her. He called her right after he was born and throughout the entire time he was in the hospital with me. After he left the hospital to go hom for the night he would talk to her and again in the morning before he came to see us. It feels as if he wanted to be with her rather than me although he says that's not true. HELP!! I want to forgive him and move on because I love him but I am so hurt and angry right now. I want to make this work, especially because we now have a baby. How do I get past this?

Welcome to the MB forum. I'm very sorry about your painful situation. This site will be a valuable resource for you, full of wisdom and support from people who have walked in your shoes.

We follow MB's proven plan of recovery from an affair. It's a narrow path with specific rules to follow, which is very important to remember because deviations from the plan can and usually do prohibit a successful recovery (take it from many here who've tried to do their our own way with bad results).



So...

- Send NC letter, written by wayward spouse, approved and mailed by betrayed spouse.

- Expose if wayward spouse does not agree with NC AND even if NC is agreed to. It is the best weapon to both kill the affair AND to kill the fantastical, positive illusions that linger on in the wayward spouse's mind, which MB calls "the fog." Exposure should also be done to close friends and must include management/HR if the affair partners are colleagues.

- Understand that almost all adulterers deny an affair at first, even when confronted with overpowering evidence. Then they usually reveal only bits and pieces of the story, which is called trickle truth. A polygraph should be considered to get the full truth.

- Investigate to gather more information about the affair and/or to ensure no contact is being maintained (tips and strategies: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2368071&page=all)

Can he fire her, quit himself or get her to quit?

Is the OW married or does she have a boyfriend?



"making this work" requires NO CONTACT first. Without "No Contact" it's like asking us to help you recover with your alcoholic spouse that's drunk.

Once you establish no contact then the "basic concepts" and the MB principles can guide you through a recovery process. It's hard but not impossible.

You won't regret trying. Your son deserves a chance on both your parts. I hope he wasn't lying about not having sex with her but he is the last person you should be relying upon for the truth. Best advice...act like you aren't suspicious and snoop your butt off. Hide a voice activated recorder in his car under the drivers seat and hopefully catch a conversation he has with the OW that will tell you the facts about your life because you'll have a much harder time recovering if he's lying to you about sleeping with her. Get the truth YOURSELF and recover from there or not.

I know it's hard not to trust his word...but, hey, independent verification could even verify he is telling the truth which will certainly ease your mind.

Mr. W

Thank you for your advice. He has asked the OW to transfer to another store to which she was not receptive. She is not married and does not have a boyfriend. Unfortunately he cannot quit right now because we reley on his income and there are no other positions open for his job in another location. He did say if one became available he would transfer. If he fires her I am afraid she will file a sexual harassment suit against him. We are going to move out of state as soon as our lease is up. I will get the VAR as I agree it is the only way to get the truth at this point. Keep ya updated.

Hide the var well and make sure it does not rattle or move around. Many have been found due to careless installation

industrial velcro (black velcro not white velcro) works pretty good. cut a small section and put it on the back of the recording device and then stick a big piece of it to floor under the drivers seat. This will make it easier to place and stick it as you often have to sneak around quickly when doing this stuff.

Also...practice with it before placing it so you can be sure you are doing it/setting it right. Nothing is more frustrating than anticipating results only to discover you must have accidentally shut it off when you hide it.

Also...if you get some good details on the recording she won't sue for sexual harassment. OW's and OM's are like cockroaches once caught. They have no desire to air their dirty laundry in open court.

Mr. W

Sorry you are here but welcome. You are getting great advice ~ good job on getting going with a VAR.

I just want to re-emphasize the fact that you cannot believe any of what your H has told you that I have quoted above. He is in classic cake-eating mode so he is going to tell you whatever he needs to in order to keep you both in the picture meeting his ENs, including telling you that you two will move when your lease is up.

Has this been exposed to anybody yet? Family, friends, etc?

Since the ow keeps pushing things, I'd begin with HER. Expose to high hell! Her friends, FB, family, anybody you can find.

Write one of the sample FB exposure letters to them and bam! I'd also before I do this, find out who her friends are and maybe even make up a dummy profile and "friend" her. That way you can expose rather sneakily and catch her off guard and expose in a mass email to all her friends all at once.

I'd also do it to WH's family and friends too. He is equally to blame in this.

And yes, you are getting great advice, just remember, what the wayward part of your husband says to you, is probably not the truth. If he is even 1/10th still wayward, then he is prob lying to some degree. WS are not to be trusted at all, trust from this point forward is earned.

He must write nc letter and he and you together must send it.

Sorry, bg, but this was a physical affair. You need to get the truth about that and in the meantime, you need not to have unprotected sex with him and you both need to get tested for STDs.

SugarCane is right. Rarely do things remain as an EA with such close proximity as your wh and ow were. They are about 99 percent pa.

Velcro with adhesive backing should keep it in place.