Hi All

I am still dark and firm in my Plan B. In fact I am more resolute than ever about what I deserve in a marriage and that I could never return to how things were. I am also really comfortable with being in Plan B, and could never return to accepting WH back unless he accepts responsibility for his part in the demise of our M and put effort in where it is needed.

There is a tiny part of me that thought WH would contact me since I got back from hols, maybe he still will, naturally I am starting to lose patience with him and his games. I have to say something has changed in me since my holiday and I feel like I am starting to detach from my WH I think part of my love for him is locked away, and perhaps going through some part of acceptance that we may never reconcile. My deepest heart desire would be that we could rebuild this M into something amazing, I am sad that we may not have the opportunity to do so. There is something that makes me think how good it would be if we both had grown together. Please pray for me and him!!

As part of my personal recovery, things are going well, well really good actually! I am really enjoying my interior design class, and have made some nice new friends. I have a Paris trip booked away with 4 of my girlfriends for Spring time. I am really enjoying my new job, and have settled in really well. I have a real sense of starting to understand who I am, what I am all about and my likes and dislikes and most importantly for me, know my own mind. I have even relaxed about my bio clock and realise that I would be far more blessed to bring a child into this world in the right situation rather than for selfish reasons. I feel a strong inner confidence of how to deal with others, and how to handle things with grace, I am so lucky I found this place. I was so confused about life, morals, boundaries and when I came here and sadly did not have good role models which did not help. Now I understand more about how to live my life well, I can now look at those close to me and it is no wander I was in such a mess, as I was getting bad advice. It is quite a huge step to realise that you put your loved ones on a pedestal that that may not have the right answers or your best intentions at heart but sometimes their own personal agendas. Although I love those around me for who they are and I have to remember that everyone has their flaws and you love all of them especially family and very close friends.

I have read back some of JL�s old posts and now things start to make a lot of sense. More on that later.

Thanks for all your support.

Hi Harmony and Constant,

Constant, You need to know that 1) I still have a good deal of impatience at my age, and that I probably wrongly felt that a few of your posts may have distracted Harm, and 2) even tho I do not know you personally (it is so easy to react to someone on the internet who you are not in touch with personally) I have respect for you and your opinion, especially in terms of what you have gone thru and your willingness to reach out to another person. I apologize for any discomfort I caused you.

Harm, well I feel good today! How could you not if you were in my shoes as a Packers fan - yesterday Green Bay defeating Chicago to get to the Super Bowl. I know you guys gave us the Beatles back in the 60's, but we invented the Super Bowl! In case you have not noticed I am tiptoeing back onto your thread here.

Anyway, and this is not exactly MB, but I am glad to see you back here and recharged after your holiday.

"I have to say something has changed in me since my holiday and I feel like I am starting to detach from my WH I think part of my love for him is locked away, and perhaps going through some part of acceptance that we may never reconcile."

What you said in the quote above may very well end up being the outcome. Nonetheless, it does not have to be, and just from a guy's point of view, I feel the ball is in his court now. Despite my voiced frustration over you and your tentative Plan B initially, I really feel that you are doing the right thing for you now, and that you are doing it well. I fully realize how hard that is. I realize that Harm because Char and I have been physically separated (her in a nuring home and me here) for over a year now. It is not the same thing of course, but the pain is still similar. I say that the ball is in his court because often times a man will allow his ego and his pride (and his testosterone) to over-shadow the very thing that he needs to do, and that is to fight for and pursue again the woman he loves and who has been and is a part of his life despite the past hurt, doubt, and transgression. When he comes to that realization he will know that kind of honesty and insight is much more important than the gamesmanship of trying to break your Plan B, get in your house when you are gone, or whatever. In other words, right now I feel you are dealing with a hurt-guy thing more than anything else, and aside from maintaining your integrity in your Plan B there isn't much else you can do! I just feel you need to give it more time, and if you feel you are starting to grit your teeth again from day to day awaiting his response to reconcile, well you may need to take another relaxing holiday. And yes, I honestly feel you need to have some kind of end date for your Plan - not too soon, but certainly not maintaining it indefinitely. Just off the top of my head I would tentatively steel myself for at least another six months or so. Sometimes men are so slow in taking a hint!

And Harm, please don't let age unduly distract you - as they say age is a number so to speak. I know about the biological clock and all that, but you are still young. Just realize that now in this time - whether it be 2 or 6 or 12 months that you give your H to reconcile - you are making yourself a better more desirable person for either your H or perhaps for someone else, whatever the case may be!

Well, I was going to suggest to Constant to be more concise in his posts, but look at me....*s*

Anyway, you wanted prayers - you shall have them.

The Best,

Tom

Harm,

This is not at all MB - just a suggestion. As you get into the day-to-day after your holiday want to recomment a movie. On Saturday night when I was getting anxious about the Packers-Bears game (yeah I know - stupid, but a guy thing!) I was deciding to go out with a couple of friends or stay home because it was very wintery cold here. I stayed home and found a movie on a channel - "Enchanted" - read a review of it and learned it was sort of a Disney kind of fairy tale chick flick - started to watch it and I really enjoyed it. If you get a chance to see it, I would recommend.

Tom

Hi Harmony,

You are on a good path I think. Doors open if... Move on if not. You said I read that and just smiled.

You are like all of us, we learn but it takes time to assimilate. As you read your old posts, you will realize that you have now assimilated what you learned.

Hang in there Harmony.

God Bless,

JL

[t/j]"You will be assimulated".. The Borg..

Sorry JL, couldn't help myself.

Hey Tom its all good, and I also am shorter on my patience as I have gotten older. Guess its the "Grumpy old men" syndrome. Lol.[end T/J]

I am glad you brought up that comment Harm made, about how she was frustrated in some way he had not tryied to make contact since she came back. You also saw something I felt needed to be addressed.

My first reaction though, was to say in my mind, "Didn't you send a plan B letter telling him to contact you through your Sis, and tell him you really didn't want to talk unless it was about repairing your marriage? Also isn't he just respecting your wishes? "

But I thought she would figure it out by herself, and she would see the respect in his actions, as soon as she realized she had been mistaking his desparte attempts at making contact the old way for loving attention. When he shows up through the IMs humble and confidant he can work on the marriage meeting all her terms now that will be a force to contend with.

Its not suppossed to be about reactions anymore Harm. Its supposed to be about planned actions.

Hope you too can get there and plan a good recovery.

This can be a time when the love you create will fill you both more than the feelings that once brought you together, without losing that passion. It could be a deeper love.

Tom,
Just to let you know I live in STEELER NATION BABY!! SO BRING IT ON!!!


Harmony,

You sound so grown up! I think you may be ready for an adult relationship! Good for you. Great for you! Keep us posted.

HI MB Peeps

Just checking in, not much to say appart from that I am feeling good! Very strange feeling have not felt this in a long time, so much so I am worried that something bad in going to happen!! Finally I feel like I am back on my feet.

My main concern now is whether I am starting to shut the lights out on H, and how I will feel if he does turn up. I really feel as though my love for him is starting to die, and maybe because of some of his qualities such as him wanting to see me suffer and in so much pain, can I really live my life with someone who would want to do that...? I guess thats my only issue. I know I certainly won't be able to live with the H I had, knowing what I have learnt here. I will be able to forgive him, but is he really the man i want to spend the rest of my life with? Will he take care of me when I need him...?

I know that some people say, his actions are a direct result of my affair, I disagree I cannot be held responsible for all that has happened. 1 revenge affair maybe, but 4 with the emotional abuse whilst I was dealing with my Dads illness, thats all too much.

Hi Tom

Good to see you back on my thread, was quite upset that you lost hope in me. I have no excuses for breaking Plan B, just that dealing with my father passing was very traumatic and still is, so just did not have the power to fend off H when he turned up. Anyway, I am much further on course now and feeling the benefits of the darkness. PrincessMeggy was right, it really does take a few goes of Plan B before the BS really gets it.

Ofcourse, this feeling of stability does make me look back and realise how poorly he treated me, I know I can probably forgive him, but whether I will want to reconcile with him is another matter. I have really seen him in a different light. I remain optimistic.

Hi Constant

Yes your right that it is about planned actions, and we both need this time to give us the stability to see whether we can both put in the effort and commitment to recovering this marriage. It is not going to be easy.

Hi Mitzie

Good to see you on my thread! Yes starting to think I may be at 35, finally ready for a relationship and all that it brings with it. Just have to set an end date on Plan B.

Take care,

Harmony.

PS. Tom I will take you up on your movie recommend and let you know how I get on!!

Hi Harmony. It sounds like you're doing much, much better. Great to hear.

And I agree with you that your WH's A is not a result of your A. His actions are all his.

Hi Harm,

Believe it or not Harm I am going to bring Char here tomorrow for a few days, and then on Friday to dinner, for whatever she wants for our 42nd anniversary. She will probably want steak in a seafood restaurant, or seafood in a steakhouse. She is sometimes unpredicatable and controversial, but I still adore that woman!

Harm, and of course this is not at all Marriage Builders, but is simply that I feel your H over time has put you down so much. And, now maybe you are realizing that. But, believe me, MB aside and Plan B aside, IF I were him, and I truely loved you, I would walk through fire. Well, I am not him, and I have Char.


I think now that just telling you that I will say prayers for you just doesn't seem to cut it. Only thing I can say is, again, I am not in your shoes, but you seem to be doing the right thing.

I will pray for you hard to Mary tonight - she is my heroine - of course that is Catholic based, but whatever.

Just you take care Harm,

Tom

To Harm, but a t/j for abit..

Well Mitzie, two class teams and two groups of class fans, so let 'em have at it! The terrible towels tho may make a difference! By the way, I cannot help but laugh and smile abit now with your name - we have a cat - age two and her name is mitzie. Char named her when we got her - named after the dancer Mitzi Gaynor. Char was a dancer in back in the 1960's. Typical of females tho, mitzie loves to be held and petted, teased, scratched under her chin, and her butt petted and rubbed. What can I say!

Harm, I apologize for the t/j. Just wanted to assure you of my support and prayers. No one can predict what is in your future, but just keep true to your feelings now and your plan. Of all the people I have seen here, you just seem like a wonderful person!

I am so excited tonight and up late - cannot sleep - I am picking her up tomorrow morning to bring her home for our anniversary. Dinner, movies, and who knows what, but I am excited at having her here.

Take care Harm,

Tom

Hi Tom!!


I agree with your entirely. I just hope he sees it before he is too late, with every day that passes a little piece of my love for him dies, because I look back at how he treated me. Though what I have learnt here, finding some peace and defining my boundaries, I look back and realise how poorly he treated me. With my father passing away it has made me realise how precious life is and that you only want to surround yourself with people who treat you positively. I am a very forgiving person, and would if he wanted it enough and accepted some responsbility. Time will tell.

I hope you have a lovely time with Char, maybe just though what I have learnt here is that I want a good man who appreciates me, and I can be the same towards him.

Happy anniversary for you both for tomorrow. If I can ever have you what you I will be the luckiest woman alive.

Harmony

Thanks I certainly feel better Delta. Good gracious its been so long since I have felt 'normal' again.

Perhaps time on my own, space from my H, no contact with OCM (other creepy man), have made me feel this way.

Hi Harm...just taking a break - Char is watching tv before I make a Chef-Boyardee pizza - the kind we had when we just started out.

A couple of funny things happened. Well, the first is not that funny, but we laughed about it. I think it was the third time she asked me when we got home here "do you like my makeup" Well, I am guilty! I didn't bother to notice that much and didn't compliment her, and yea that is a serious no-no! Well, I somehow weasled my way out of that, and then when she was changing she yelled at me from the bathroom "what's wrong with my boob". When I looked it did look sort of like a small laceration of sorts - about the size of a dime. She sometimes falls when walking, so I thought at very first she could have hurt herself, but something in back of my mind told me to ask her to dab it with some wet tissue. When she did it came off - was a dab of chocolate ice cream that she had a little earlier that feel down her front. Oh boy! We laughed.

Nothing MB here - just relaying to you that older coots can have fun too!

Take care,

Tom

Hi Harmony,

I hope that you had as good as possible a week and weekend, and that the time you are spending in your Plan B is helping You. I happened to think of you as well as others on here when Char sort of brought up a challenge to me when she was here. She has told me this before, but this weekend she really reiterated it - trying to gain the credentials to become a mental health counselor. Not quite the same thing as rebuilding a marriage, but alot of challenges tho. She would be so good at it, and her counselor even told her that. Realistically tho it would require her to become computer/Internet literate - even tho our son and daughter and I have tried to teach her and even have her take a course she has resisted. She would need to in order to take courses on the Internet. Far out? Yes, but still and all I want to look at trying to help her get motivated to learn and attempt it. Maybe not realistic, but more challenging things are accomplished by people every day.

Take care...

Tom

Tom the storys you tell and the sweetness you show your wife are/is awesome.

Just checkin in Harm, glad to see your doing well.

Hi Guys

H has tried to break Plan B most of the weekend.

He left a paper note in the letter box at the house on Friday saying that he hoped I had a good time skiing and that all was ok. Ofcourse I ignored this, and he came to the house about midnight (I was out) and left another message saying - I can only assume you have met someone as I have not heard from you.

Then Saturday night about 1am in the morning H phoned the home phone about 3 times.

I just feel frustrated more than anything. I feel frustrated at the way he has ignored my Plan B letter, that he cannot simply try and contact my IM, and that he STILL cannot communicate with me, just gets drunk and emotional and contacts me then.

So I am really really starting to wander if he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am really starting to check out here. Its not my love for him thats in question, thats still there, its just his qualities, who he is, what he has done.....


Phewey.

Harmony,

You're really sounding much more in CONTROL of your emotions.Good for you . I find the only way right now for me is to ignore my feelings for WH.

Lucky me though, my work hired a part-time lady who worked for years in the drug/alcohol rehab field. She answered some questions I had(about WH & OW relationship- good for me that those kind of relationships do end, but end badly,and only/if one/both of them gets sober and that could take years,many, many years).She advised me stick with Alanon and find a therapist qualified to deal with addictions. I'm so happy God put her in my path.


So, these are also my thought about WH. He would have to get sober(not gonna happen)for himself cuz I don't think I want to deal with 'wonderng if he'll start that kind of lifestyle' again. Work friend did say when WH starts to hit bottom he will seek me out because I'm the ONLY truly sober person he knows. Yipee for me ,not.

You said you quit smoking. Still quit? I'm tryin'. I'm having a hard time. Seems those cigarettes are more of 'friend' to me right now...I don't want to quit my addictive 'friend' yet! How'd you do it Harm?

Do you have knoweldge that he accually recieved the plan B letter? You did just drop it in your own maibox assuming he would pick it up. Did he ever in any way tell you that he got the letter? Oh wait. your in plan B, and you have heard that from Sis the IM right?

This is why I said your should send it certified mail, that requires him to sign it and you get a reciept. You have no idea whether he got the letter or not, your just "guessing" he is ignoring it.

Clear and open communication Harm.

Im wondering does anybody else see this? How can she be sure he got the letter? What vets does she do?

Ok Harmony. I am glad you are doing better. God Bless you.