Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 19 of 31 1 2 17 18 19 20 21 30 31
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
How is she paying for it? This is joint property, if she buys it while you guys are still married.

But this shouldn't help or hurt the chances for custody. You have your own place?

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
help,

She's got her own money. She's paying for it herself, though my IL's may help her.

She may want to separate legally or divorce BECAUSE she wants to buy property. She's talked about buying a house or condo for five years at least.

Yes, I have my own place. It's an apartment in a good part of the city.

Thanks for your help.


-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and no longer jobless; just broke)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10; about to go to Plan B
Have talked with lawyer twice; hate it
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,079
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,079
Hi MJ,

Well, on this Monday I am quite happy that Green Bay will be in the Super Bowl. Believe me MJ, it is a highlight in a time that I am struggling as well with my W in a nursing home now for the past 1 1/2 years.

I had hoped for better developments for you in your situation, but now, and if I was in your shoes, I would try to arrange a heart-to-heart discussion with your W regarding her mind-set and her intentions in terms of the M. I would simply do that as a means of assessing my desire to stay in this M.

She seems to be maneuvering outside your M in terms of purchasing her own home. To me that would pretty much define the end of the M. I am NOT an attorney, but in terms of the tax code, which I am familiar with, monies from a gift or a trust are not included as income on the filing of a joint or individual tax return, unless part of that is considered as earned income - interest or gain on the trust or the gift. Translating that to your situation, if she is purchasing the home from pre-marital assets, or a gift to her ONLY, or from the principal of a trust I feel is not marital property despite what helpforlostdads says. You have to be very careful on this because I feel that the legal definition of marital property and the tax laws are very similar.

MJ, at this point I would seriously consider moving from your Plan B to a Plan "L/F" - protecting yourself and your rights to see your daughters from the standpoint of a strong legal and financial strategy. If you are asking questions about whether or not your W owning her own home will give her an advantage in custody, then I feel you are not getting this.

I just hope for the best for you and will continue to say some prayers for you and your situation, but right now I would just hope that you staff up and fully protect your interests.

The Best MJ,

Tom

Tom2010 #2467827 01/24/11 03:38 PM
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
MJ, if there is no separation agreement or legal document, then anything purchased is considered joint marital property. If she buys a condo then you're half owner of it.

But run it by an attorney. You're still likely to have half claim to it.

The other option to conisder in all of this is to file in your state and request primary custody.

It's an option to run by your lawyer.


Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
Hi Tom,

Thanks for your advice and concern. I hear what you're saying about my WW moving on; it feels like that to me too. But in a talk I had with Dr. H two months ago, he advised sticking to Plan B no matter what my WW does. Not easy advice to take, but he's the wisest and most perceptive marriage expert I know, so I'm attempting to follow his advice.

help,

Thanks too for your advice. I will call my lawyer tomorrow. We spoke briefly Friday morning and exchanged calls that day.

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
Legal issues no doubt are on my horizon. But for now my biggest problem is an emotional one: What the heck to do on Saturday nights?

For some reason, I have started to feel lonely on that night. I drop my kids off at the baby sitter's (my WW picks them up later), come home, and feel like Hud after everyone's left the ranch house. I have fended the black bear of loneliness so far, but don't know how much longer I can keep him on the ground.

Volunteering won't work; who volunteers on a Saturday night? Rare is the time I can hang out with my friends, most of who are married. I won't go to bars or dance halls. Watching my favorite movies and TV shows and drinking beer is getting old. Any suggestions? Any thoughts?


-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and no longer jobless; just broke)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10; about to go to Plan B
Have talked with lawyer
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10

Last edited by MichaelJan; 02/01/11 08:46 PM.
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,416
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,416
MJ, I think that about everyone goes through that Saturday night thing when seperated or divorced. Initially, I stayed home and drank beers and watched movies. Did that for about 3 years until I was a raging drug addict and alcoholic so I wouldn't recommend that route.

Later I began to do things for me weekly. I took myself out to dinner and a movie, every other week I'd take myself to the mall to buy a new shirt or an outfit, I did arts and crafts also setting up new crafts for when the kids came back, I also found a Church that had services on Saturday night, I took day trips, and those are just a couple of things. The main thing is to get out there and do something to blow the stink off ya.....


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

Bill
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
LostHusband,

Thanks for the advice. I've steered clear of drugs and beer guzzling. I've decided to invite my (male) friends over on Saturday nights to play board games, which is more fun than it sounds; and drink beer, smoke cigars, and shoot the breeze. I'm happy with the plan. I think it will work. That's the good news.

The bad news is that my WW filed. I got served tonight while picking up my daughters from daycare. Pathetic, especially because we haven't so much as communicated in weeks and I'm not dating. But not a surprise, right?

I'll tell my lawyer to counter-file for D on grounds of adultery. The good news is that I've got a good legal plan to cover much of my legal expenses.

That's it for now.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and no longer jobless; just broke)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10; about to go to Plan B
Have talked with lawyer
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11

Last edited by MichaelJan; 02/18/11 02:06 AM.
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
Hi all,

My wife no longer uses my surname on her FB account, according to my family members. Plus I got served Thursday night. Doing right by her and our daughters remains my goal. And I continue to take heart in Dr. Harley's advice to stick with her till the fall of 2012, which would be two years after I went to Plan B. But I'm feeling down. Your thoughts and prayers about my sense of listlessness would be appreciated.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and no longer jobless)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10; about to go to Plan B
Have talked with lawyer
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,288
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,288
Originally Posted by MichaelJan
Hi all,

Your thoughts and prayers about my sense of listlessness would be appreciated.

I pray for your heart that you are right before God.

He can change everything around us. Be earnest and continue to pray. I do not know God's plan but I do know that he desires the above paragraph.


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
imagine #2479770 02/21/11 07:04 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,215
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,215
MJ, a very wise man gave me some advice once (yesterday) that a decent guy with a job and kids that he is good father to is a hot commodity. He said something about a tidal wave of single moms. Something about letting a stoner loose in a twinkie factory...but the details are fuzzy.

Sorry this is happening to you, but you will be just fine down the road.



FBH,Dad
No half measures, in anything.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,079
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,079
Hey MJ,

I am sorry to hear that she filed the petition. I cannot say I am surprised tho with how you have described her behavior.

MJ, in the hope that it is never over until it is over I would encourage you to shift your thread to the divorcing forum, simply because at this point I think you will get ore appropriate advice and counsel.

As far as the Saturday nights, how about cooking - i.e., preparing a really different and special meal(s) for you and your kids. Ever tried lemon salmon loaf, or baked lemon chicken, or a really good tuna casserole? If you are into that it can take your mind off things and be challenging, entertaining, and rewarding. Or this, next time with the frinds coming over make a really great o'rderv (sp) like spinach dip (with real spinach) and roasted french fries. All this stuff would take time, but know what, if you would like it then it would add to your peronal resume.

I realize MJ that you still love your wife, and who would not love their's despite the circumstances. But she seems to be intent on not returning your love, so it seems to be best for you to move forward as it seems you are doing.

The best and prayers,

Tom



Tom2010 #2480674 02/22/11 08:42 PM
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
Hey Tom,

A belated congratulations to your Packers for winning the Super Bowl. Their victory could not have shed glory on a more strategic-minded and historically-knowledgeable fan than you.

I understand your point about moving my forum to the divorcing column. My mom doesn't think she's coming back. My sisters don't think she's coming back. Most of my friends don't think she's coming back. But Dr. Harley told me on his radio show, both in May when I first called in and in November, that I may have an opportunity to reconcile with her when her A dies a natural death. For the sake of my kids and my future equilibrium, I need to hold out as long as possible. Plus, my career isn't on track. I may as well wait for a woman until it does.

Expect a miracle -- remember that '70s Catholic slogan? It's true. Look at Mitch Daniels. His wife divorced him, remarried, and came back to him within three years.

I like your ideas about cooking a gourmet meal with my girls. Actually we bake cookies on one of the two nights I have them. But alas, I don't have the two sweeties on Saturday nights. For now, playing Risk, smoking cigars, and drinking beers with the fellas will have to suffice.


Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 48
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 48
You are a honorable man in my book. This makes me hopeful.....


BS-32-Me
WH-37
No kids
DDay- 10/2008
Plan A-02/28/2011
Recovery or nothing!
Married-10 years
Still recovering...
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,079
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,079
MJ,

I second that - you really are!

Tom

Tom2010 #2481120 02/23/11 07:31 PM
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
What's your visitation schedule? Is it official? Have you counter filed asking for full custody?

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
help,

Thanks for keeping up with my posts. Your advice has been invaluable. My daughters and I appreciate it; my wife someday too, I hope.

The visitation schedule remains the same: I get my two kids on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays, alternating drop off times at 2 p.m. and 7 p.m.

I plan to call my lawyer tomorrow (Monday). Per your advice, I will ask him for the following:

-- File for abandonment and spousal support

-- Ask for sole physical and legal custody

-- Ask for Guardian Ad Litem (for the attorney to represent the kids not me)

-- Counter file for divorce on grounds of adultery

That's my plan. My concern is that it might require my attorney to burn up hours and hours. What do you think?

I should have mentioned that under a legal plan covered by my former employer, I get 15 free hours of consultation from my attorney; after the 15 hours expires, I get a 25 percent discount on future legal fees. I'm happy.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless again)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10; about to go to Plan B
Have talked with lawyer
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318

Brief update: I left a message with my lawyer yesterday. If he doesn't respond to me today, I will call him again tomorrow. That is all.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless again)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10; about to go to Plan B
Have talked with lawyer
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318

I talk with my lawyer today. This will be our first meeting in person. He sounds like a smart and savvy advocate. He's open to the idea of me filing for spousal abandonment and counter-filing for divorce on adultery grounds, two strategies that helpthelostdads advocated. Yet one thing about this lawyer raises a question in my mind.

He eschews giving me odds about my chances in court. Whether the issue is me getting a 50-50 settlement or filing for sole custody as a method of striking a hard bargain, he won't say if the strategy is likely to succeed or fail. Does his reticence signal that he's not the beau ideal of a bulldog lawyer? Based on my understanding, lawyers SHOULD tell their clients about their odds of success.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless again)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Still hopeful and confident

Last edited by MichaelJan; 03/07/11 10:31 AM.
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
Originally Posted by MichaelJan
I talk with my lawyer today. This will be our first meeting in person. He sounds like a smart and savvy advocate. He's open to the idea of me filing for spousal abandonment and counter-filing for divorce on adultery grounds, two strategies that helpthelostdads advocated. Yet one thing about this lawyer raises a question in my mind.

He eschews giving me odds about my chances in court. Whether the issue is me getting a 50-50 settlement or filing for sole custody as a method of striking a hard bargain, he won't say if the strategy is likely to succeed or fail. Does his reticence signal that he's not the beau ideal of a bulldog lawyer? Based on my understanding, lawyers SHOULD tell their clients about their odds of success.

Lawyers don't like to give you odds and it's understandable why. They could promise you the world and fail to deliver, which does nothing for you and simply opens him up for charges later.

So expect lawyers to be very political about their prognostications regarding family law. The truth is that family law is the wildest form to practice since there is so much decided on emotion, guessing, and gut feelings.

Your lawyer has no idea how you will do on the stand, what the facts of your WW's case against you are, or any of a ton of other factors.

So the fact that he didn't give you a prognostication shows smarts. Be wary of lawyers who will promise you the world.

My ex had one. She basically lost while outspending me by a ton.

Page 19 of 31 1 2 17 18 19 20 21 30 31

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 140 guests, and 97 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,810
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5