I really think if you do a great Plan A, get yourself happy and carefree without lovebusting actions (whining aboout sex), she'll respond better than arranging some sort of POJA.

The problem is, though, the zoloft is killing her sexual desire.

I think the problem is that she is not in love and does not enjoy sex, but she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. She is probably a conflict avoider. Her actions don't line up with her statements. This is why I was hopeful that you could get her on the phone with the Harleys. They would get to the bottom of that in about 2 seconds flat and help her with a plan that would give her some relief. It has to be horrendous pressure pretending you feel one way when you really don't.

Not necessarily, believe it or not.

Does anyone else feel like they're cursed? Like Karma is against you and you simply can't win?

I ask because inevitably it seems there is always something that gets in the way of my wife and I filling my SF need. Lately she's pre-menopausal and so she's way irregular ... sometimes cycling every other week.

Add to that the other things that happen to her that make SF nearly impossible. She bruised her ribs falling off her horse last fall. She was untouchable for more than a month (unless I wanted to pressure her ... blech). Shortly after that she developed pneumonia. Other times the kids won't go to sleep and we're both so tired by the time they do.

It just always seems like such an uphill battle and that some of the restrictions come from things I and even she can't always control.

This weekend she was upset because we had a date night Saturday but she found she was 'out-of-commision'. She just returned to commission the weekend before (we were together that weekend). She said she was sorry, gave me a hug. I said you can't control those things and I'll be OK. We went out on our date and had a nice time.

Lying in bed Sunday I thought about my limitations to getting my needs filled. I struck up a conversation about her being out of commission and alternatives during that time. I did tell her I really was more into us sharing the experience instead of her just relieving me physically. She agreed and said she wasn't interested in taking care of me during that time. She prefers the intimacy of sharing ... I think that's important to me too. I get more out of it if I can give while I'm receiving. Limited thinking I know but I don't think I'm way off base or destroying the M for having those limitations. I suspect we should have discussed more but I didn't feel like pushing it.

I did tell her its hard ... that the physical part of it is a constant reminder. I also told her I was tired of having to take care of myself when the down time is for very long periods. That's probably the part where I should have pushed for some participation. Maybe in another talk.

I did tell her again that I was sorry that I gave up. I told her I'm trying hard to get back. I let her know I could be a great H and want to be. She said I already was and I disagreed. I told her I stopped doing the things I needed to do to be great and that I will get back there again but I need her help. I told her she deserved better than what she was receiving. She turned it all around and said I was a great H and that I deserved more. So I stated ... "So we're in agreement ... we both have some things we need to work harder on and that we both need each other for that loving support.". She said definitely. Somewhere in there she said she was fine and that I was doing a good job. So now I'm questioning what it is that I'm doing fine cuz trust me I stopped doing a lot of the things I was doing just a year or so ago. I always thought her biggest EN was Admiration ... but maybe it's more the FS I provide and the RC we share attending all of our kid's events. Something to ponder.

This sounds much more like peaceful co-existance than romantic love. I think that is going to be the key for you, MrA.

I think she's being unfair to you and is using her 'pre-menopausal' situation to avoid SF.

What does she mean, she' 'not interested' in taking care of you 'during that time'? That's unfair of her and will ultimately work against her having an intimate relationship with you.

Sorry if I missed it, but have you considered counselling with Jennifer about this? Would she be willing to talk to someone about this?

Being 'pre-menopausal' has nothing to do with having satisfying SF. It can be done.

Warning...this is way TMI but....

I have discovered during "that time of the month" that I can climax with direct stimulation with my clothes on...usually by simulating intercourse (I think teens call it dry humping). Orgasim definitely relieves any cramps or backaches. The rubbing gets my husband excited as well and then I usually feel sexy enough to continue my endeavors with him manually so that we are both satisfied.

Maybe you can use that time for a "makeout" session and see where it goes? She will hopefully feel less pressure as she knows sex isn't the end result.

MyAlias,

As an aside (but an important one)--has she been checked out by a doctor? Every other week seems pretty intense and out of whack. THere are things they can do with targeted hormonal replacement that can help to ease that, and may even help renew some of her desire.

Cycles like that can indicate hormonal fluctuations (extreme!) or other, more dangerous situations, like ovarian cancer.

My wife has had counseling but not specifically to talk about her sexual limitations. She's a little uncomfortable with certain aspects of sex sure ... not into oral and I am not one to push.

Clothes on ... she'd say no.

So my options are what? To convince her she needs to speak to someone cuz others here feel she's got issues? Is it wrong if we're both OK waiting for intercourse? I can be happy if we'd just get that part down to a regular pattern.

I realize it says a lot about me that I'm also gun-shy about trying/asking for things outside of the box. It's hard to break out of that comfort zone. Yet I do dream about her being more than she is from a sexual perspective. How does one go about asking for that without coming off looking or feeling like a pig?

Why not be radically honest with her and show her this thread? She can't very well make changes if she doesn't know exactly what the problem is. Nor is it fair to her for us to know more about her marriage than she does.

Radical honesty, my friend..

Geez. All good things to know. Approaching her is another thing.

She just called and got offered her that accounting job we'd been hoping she'd get. Yeah!!!!!

Yeah well I fear the reprecussions of her seeing everything I devulge here. She keeps things close to the vest. Trained by her mother to cover up the truth so she doesn't like to reveal a lot especially to strangers ... anonymous or not.

It isn't like she doesn't know most of this stuff ... it's just the way she is and she's not ready/willing to change.

I did approach her about this state of our marriage. She said she was fine. It wasn't the answer I was hoping to get ... but then I stopped doing much of what I was doing before so ... maybe fine is better than I should have expected at this juncture.

I think I create a good portion of the problem. Always have been. I'm the coward who's so trained to leave her alone that I do. The moron martyr who can't find his Taker in an appropriate way. It's probably a good reason why she picked me to marry because I'm a bit enabling and don't push too much.

To let her know that you have an unmet emotional need and that it is important to you that this need be met in order for you both to have a fulfilling marriage, and to ask her to brainstorm with you ways to get this need met adequately, and to mention seeing a doctor as one possibility.

MrAlias;




Sounds like things she can address in counseling, but still isn't prepared to do..It still saddens me she isn't there yet, or afraid she will be told the abuse was her fault or something..

In reference to your not being enthusiastic about having more kids--given her beliefs that 'sex is not to be talked about', and that 'sex is bad" I'll add the unspoken attachment that typically goes along with that--"unless it's for procreation" I'm sure that is conflicting for her emotionally as well as possibly spiritually..

She says she enjoys sex..I'm sure she probably does..but sex for the sake of pleasure (given what she was taught) would be a sin, so for her to have sex on a regular basis without the possibility of procreation..could cause spiritual and mental anguish..

It's *possible* she struggles with the spiritual side of it internally, possibly even asking God to forgive her after she provides that need for you..and then deals with the weight of those false beliefs for some time afterwards..

It's possibly part of the reason she goes off by herself, or with her sister (I think I remember it's her sister she rides with?? Correct me if I'm wrong) who was probably raised to believe the same thing..to find comfort and get mom's words out of their heads.

Imagine the internal conflict she must have, knowing she enjoys sex, but being taught it's bad (a sin) "how could my husband who loves me, ask me to sin?" "Lord, it's not that I really want more children, but (my mom told me) that sex is wrong (except for procreation) so how can I make love to my husband (which I really enjoy) if he doesn't want more children and not sin against you in the process?"

IF this is the case, and the only way to really know is to ask her..(which yes, she could lie to you about) but the only way to deal with such false beliefs is the truth--which could prove to be difficult--'why would my mom lie to me about such things??'
and if it's something she also heard in church growing up..'why would a preacher lie to me about that?' (Maybe to keep a teenage girl from having sex and getting pregnant--and their not fully understanding the deeper ramifications of how it would effect her eventual marriage--unless of course she married a man who held to the same beliefs)

So how would you deal with such things? Finding a pastor SHE would be willing to meet with that understands and teaches the truth that sex is not merely for procreation, but as a way for a husband and wife to express their love for each other-one who can use the scriptures to dispel the lies..

then it will be for her to either continue to believe the lies she was taught as a child..or to believe God and what He says in His word about such things..

And as far as the attempted rape and sexual abuse from her brother, she probably carries the shame and guilt about that possibly blaming herself for those things happening..heck many people within society continue to blame the victim..


just somethings to think about..

You can't very well resolve the problems if she isn't aware of how unhappy you are so that is where I would start. This is why radical honesty is so important. Complaints are what motivate change in a marriage.

It seems to me, in the type of situation you are in, if you have to "ask" or "approach" her about your needs, that it becomes just another chore to put on her to-do list.

Does she respond to passionate kissing? Can you stick on some mood music and scoop her up to dance in the living room while the kids laugh at you? What would happen if you two took a bath together?

I'm just saying, anything other than having to verbally ask for it, which I can fully understand would not be attractive to her.

EasyE, of course he has to ask her for it. That is part and parcel of radical honesty. Unspoken issues in marriage lead to a lack of intimacy in marriage, and that is his basic problem. The purpose of complaints in marriage is to give the other person an opportunity to make such changes. That has what has been lacking here all along. His wife is not a mind reader and she can't be an equal partner in their marriage unless and until she fully understands what ails it.

Complaints in marriage are GOOD for marriage.

I didn't mean as a point of spelling out needs. Once done, once it has been hammered into the ground, I don't see how on an individual event (like on a Saturday night) POJA'ing for sex is going to go over well.

It seems to me at some point, after EN's have long been established, the verbal approach would cause Mrs. Alias to roll her eyes and think of her to-do list.

I am so confused about what you mean.