Good morning Rhodie,
I would really love to find a solution to the problem. I think the major issue we if probably the deal breaker though. She seems to have this idea that once you divorce your spouse you have no contact.
In any relationship, this would fall under the "Policy of Joint Agreement". Have you read all the MB material, including how to use POJA?
The Policy of Joint Agreement It's true that I've learned that contact with an ex-spouse, or old lover, can be dangerous to a marriage. But in the cases with kids, some contact is necessary, if not through the ex-spouses, than through an intermediary.
Would anyone be telling you to leave your gf if instead of yelling at you, she withdrew instead? These are both hurtful behaviors, but the yelling is widely accepted as being abusive, as opposed to withdrawing, but they are both abusive in my opinion. I think I read somewhere that Dr. Harley agrees with that?????
Regardless, your gf's yelling is a symptom of a problem that needs to be addressed, and her yelling seems to be the only way she's been able to express herself, which is not a healthy expression of anger.
SHE needs to take the bull by the horn and seek out how to handle her anger in a more productive way. Being angry is acceptable, expressing it by yelling and breaking things is not acceptable.
Upthread, I mentioned how simple that process can be. In my case, there was hardly ever resolution when I brought up my concerns in a healthy way. If there ever was, it was usually done with resentment, or he'd go back on his word, so that didn't help our situation. At the time, I couldn't just accept my husband for who he was, and what he wanted because it felt too unsafe for me. He wanted connections with other women, while supposedly keeping his boundaries in check.
On a side note...I went through some old e-mails between my husband and I yesterday, and I saw where he was "fine" with me attending those co-ed AA mtgs with him, but somewhere along the way, he changed his mind about that. He often "resolved" conflicts with me, but apparently wasn't happy with what we agreed on and went back on his word constantly. Not good.
Regardless of how hurt and angry I was though, it was wrong the way I handle my pain and upset. I finally came to a point where I could forgive and let go of the past, but it was too late for my husband. I wasn't able to show him love through all that hurt and anger, and when I could, I don't think he accepted it, so his love bank was empty long before he left. I think he was filled with his own resentments and wouldn't accept what I was trying to give.
But this is what happens when two people aren't willing to negotiate and show care for the other person. And that care includes not yelling at your partner.
I know everyone here is not perfect, we all have our flaws. Some seeming more harming than others.
I don't know if any of that rambling was helpful at all. All I know is that if you want to build a loving relationship, both people need to work on a resolution. If a resolution isn't possible, you will need to accept that person just the way they are, or move on (especially if you're not married).
If you really care about her, be supportive by telling her that you have faith in her that she can grow and improve. You don't have to stay with her while she works on that, but you can offer your admiration for it. I wished that my husband and I would have been more supportive in that way.
