I don�t know what is going on with her. Is it normal in her situation to act like that and feel or no feel this way? I am in big hole again. What is most important to me in this moment is I can feel like totally giving up. I feel disappointment, anger and frustration again. Does her account in my LB went so low that I feel like continuing my effort to be loving, nice and supportive seems to be too much for me right now?
A few words of explanation. She got herself in EA last year for a few months. Big distance between them. Contact only via email and phone. She got involved so deeply, so she lost her mind for that (at least in my opinion), especially after d-day. She claims that till d-day she loved me and OP! After d-day she says everything changed. Emotions to me started to disappear. She promised to cut off the contact, but she dragged it over a month after d-day. I asked her many times what made her to do such a thing, but all I heard was �I don�t know�. She claims that I was a perfect husband and we had a perfect world for us, which now is destroyed. She says sometimes that it was stupid to destroy us, but it came from nowhere and she didn�t ask for it, but it took over her. Pretty often I got that impression that she is in some wired way almost proud of her A.
Since d-day I tried to convince her to work on our over 15 years old marriage. First several weeks were like a night mare, and I tried to follow 180 plan, but she didn�t care. It occurred to her that OP left her because he respects her and her marriage and didn�t want to destroy her marriage. She still believes in this and has positive feelings about OP. My suggestions that nice people don�t mess up with other marriages in a first place don�t make any difference to her. She doesn�t want to talk about it. In fact I think since d-day OP retracted because there was no secrecy, no fun and she became more demanding and serious to OP. Fan was over, I think. But I afraid in her imaginary world OP stay as prince charming.
I tried to follow plan A and after while she started to be calmer, more energized, more smiley. I think her withdraw period after losing her �new great love� faded away. She became more open to me (not fully, but more), there were some intimacy moments, but no remorse, no concrete statements or commitments.
It has been over 8 months since d-day and unfortunately she doesn�t feel anything more and deeper to me. She said to me lately, that it feels good being with me, but that�s it. She doesn�t feel love or anything deep like she felt before A. She would like to see it change, but she doesn�t know what she can do about it. It drives me crazy and it is very disappointing, because I showed her and mentioned her many times about this website and forum, which is very helpful to me and thousands other people, but she always only nodded and never really wants to sit down and read something. That is also one of the reasons that I feel like giving up, because, she seems to be very funny almost happy person, like nothing is bothering her in other places like work or friends house. She can laugh, make jokes etc. For me our problem is the #1 priority and I don�t see in her that she really share that priority with me. It is like she accepted and approved the state we are right now and it is OK with her.
She was very surprised and sad when a few days ago I told her that I think I am losing my emotional strength and sometimes I think my love for her is disappearing, because she doesn�t show much effort in making any �love deposits�. She said that she thought, we getting much better lately and we are doing great and she is surprised I am saying that. I asked her to tell me when last time she told me that she loves me or any other nice words or statement. She couldn�t remember��, me neither.
Can anyone share some thoughts on my situation, because I really feel bad about giving up, but in fact the bad feelings and emotions to her are taking over me? I realized that I see her now in different light, as a person that I don�t accept. It is like living with her playgirl twin sister which I don�t like. My mind is twisting, because I see the person I loved so much and I wanted to grow old with, but it is only what my eyes see, not my heart and soul anymore.

Not being inclined to beat around the bush, I'll just say that your basic premise is wrong. Once you accept that, and deal from the reality of where you are, instead of where you think (at your cheating wife's suggestion?) you are, you'll be able to dig out from this pit you're in.

Hold on: This may hurt.

She got herself in EA last year and it continues through today. An EA is just the establishment in a WS's mind of the potential to satisfy EN's via the existence of an AP. THEY DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE IN CONTACT FOR THIS TO HAPPEN. Your currently-cheating spouse is emotionally withdrawing to a romantic, EN-satisfying place in her mind, while she diddles you along to satisfy other EN's.

I got that impression that she is in some wired way almost proud of her A. Actually her "pride" is a self-given cookie for finding an alternative supply of EN-goodies, while at the same time watching you suffer.

It occurred to her that OP left her because he respects her and her marriage and didn�t want to destroy her marriage. She still believes in this and has positive feelings about OP. Again, this all ties in to her EN to feel "desirable", and the "victim" of cruel fate. Do not waste time with her speech and lies. Like Max von Sydow told the young priest in The Exorcist the beast will speak to confuse you and plant doubt; do NOT listen. But this little fantasy is truly the heart of your problem. WW views this EA as "pure, good, and noble" on her part as well as OM's. You must convince her otherwise, and that will involve having him, and a whole universe of people, tell her that. And you do that by eventually exposing their "pg&n" affair to the OM's family, and the entirety of the family and friends of your WW.

Are you strapped up and ready to begin?

ETA the exact quote from The Exorcist:
Especially important is the warning to avoid conversations with the demon.
We may ask what is relevant but anything beyond that is dangerous. He is
a liar. The demon is a liar. He will lie to confuse us. But he will also
mix lies with the truth to attack us. The attack is psychological, Damien,
and powerful. So don't listen to him. Remember that - do not listen.

NeverGuessed, thank you.

I agree with you.

"But this little fantasy is truly the heart of you problem. WW views this EA as "pure, good, and noble" in her part as well as OM's. You must convince her otherwise, and that will involve having him, and a whole iniverse of people, tell her that. And you do that by eventually exposing their "pg&n" affair to the OM's family, and the entirety of the family and friends of you WW."

I was trying to convince her that I understand that other men could be interested in her because she has nice personality and is good looking woman, but I cannot accept that she belies in some jerk's words more than people that she really knows including me. Her two good girlfriends tried to explain her that she build her own imaginary world around what she wanted to hear over the phone and emails, but that didn't convinced her. She believed/ belives that it was pure love that came by itself and that what is real. She understand that it destroyed our good relationship and hurted me, but ......
Whenever I try to talk about that aspect she goes defensive and she said once to me that evae if God will try to take her from me I will be angry even on God, so she is not suprised that I say bad things about OP.
OP is single, so exposure to his family is not an option.
On the begining we decided to not inform our families about our situation. Now, I see this as crucial mistake, but I don't want to do it now to not upset her. Schould I do it now?

Stick to one thread. It makes it a lot easier to follow your story and situation. So either keep this one or go back to your old one.

OP is single, so exposure to his family is not an option....
On the begining we decided to not inform our families about our situation.

WE decided? Really?

Okay pardner, let's go back to the beginning. You are not going to listen to your cheating wife about how to proceed.

Hell, yes, you're going to tell your families - and your wife's clergy (if any), all of her friends, her coworkers, EVERYBODY. But you're going to do this when YOU'RE READY.

And who exactly told you he was unmarried? (Please don't tell me it was solely your lying, cheating, dishonest, fantasy-fueled wife.) Logically, what single guy, with all the attractive targets-of-sexual-opportunity floating around, is going to invest more than 30 seconds in fulfilling the emotional gaps in a married woman by internet access? I suppose it's possible he's technically single, but I'd double down my bet that if so, he's probably engaged, or otherwise linked to a female who would be very interested in his behavior.

So your assignment is to track down this slimeball. Use SKOPEO, INTELLIUS, any reverse-look-up database that come online every day or so. You have his e-mail address, obviously. Is it a businees-based address? If so that's a huge help. You are going to spend whatever time, effort and expense, on this that is necessary. (We had, a few weeks ago, a college professor scaling fences at a gated community to make personal contact with the OM's BS.)

You are also going to get a keylogger program to put on the computer she used (uses?) to further her little affair. You are going to find out if "flexispy" or other tracking device will work on her cell-phone. You are going to buy several VAR's, putting one in her car, and wherever she usually goes to use her cell phone.

AND MOST IMPORTANT:

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GIVE HER THE SLIGHTEST HINT OF WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
AND WHAT PORTION OF HADES IS ABOUT TO DESCEND ON HER!

NG, you mean Spokeo?

Thank you. YES I meant SPOKEO.

Sometimes my zeal exceeds by typing skills!

Your zeal is a typist?

OK, any time I read something like this all the alarms go off that step #1 NC was never really acheived.

HOW is NC being verified?? Do you have a keylogger on the computer? Did WW agree to transparency, giving you passwords to all of her online accounts & cell records?

Does she still have any pictures, emails, momentos from the affair? Does she still look at his FB page? All these things are a violation of NC as well and will keep her stuck in the fog...

Why is this not an option? He has a mother and a dad and perhaps a sister, doesn't he? I would like to be informed if my own son was behaving so trashy so I could kick his [censored] into the next state. Believe me, there would be hell to pay. He may have parents who also care enough about him to insist he conduct himself like a man.

I also wonder if she's not still in touch with the OM.

That is where I would begin. From there, I would set her down and have talk with her. See, you have no plan. And no plan is a plan to fail. Your marriage will not recover by magic. You are in a cripped pre-affair version of your marriage and you are headed towards more affairs unless you recover from this. We have lots of ppl on this forum who had to endure a 2nd and 3rd affair because they never had a plan of recovery for the first affair.

Tell her that you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. But in order to keep you interested in staying in this marriage there must be a PLAN to restore the love along with her committment. That is what it will take to keep you on board.

The plan of recovery is as such:

here

I would also recommend you sign up for the online program at Marriage Builders. In it, they assign you a coach and guide through these lessons. You have daily access to Dr Harley. Many of us have been through this program and have happy, thriving, in-love marriages today. online program

How you can be 100% sure about NC?
I think she maintains NC, unless she makes calls from payphone or other places I have no way to know about. There is nothing on computer and cell. That is for sure. Secret email has been closed long ago. She even admitted a few months ago that she was so tempted to call OP just to hear a voice, but she resisted. She was hesitated about transparency, like avoiding to be controlled, which I found out pretty strange, because we never had any issue about seeing each other phone or we used same computers for emails. She was very angry on me for checking her emails.
It looks to me that she is got out of the main fog of A, she told me lately that she thinks she is no longer emotionally attached and she thinks she is not with love with OP. I don't know, maybe it is true or not, and if so, to what degree, or maybe she said that just to cut off the subject. She acts since a month or so easier going and energized, like some kind of ballast has been taken from her shoulders. But for me not much changed. She doesn�t mind to be intimate with me, but never says anything personally involved, something showing her emotions or affection. A word that express her involvement. One morning I asked her to tell me something nice. �Have a wonderful day� she said.
She acts like she forgot what people in relationship, more, in long marriage like our says to each other. What is important to maintain connection between us. And it seems like it doesn�t bother her at all.
It feels to me like she set her barriers which she is not willing to cross, but I ask myself why against me? She says that she needs small steps and maybe one day she will be feeling what she got lost. I am afraid that she got used to current situation and it is Ok with her. Sometimes I think she came up with idea that since she couldn�t have the other love so she shut down all emotions in her including mine. The emotional bond between us is gone and after these 8 months of my efforts I feel like we are going nowhere.
I am having again more days when I feel very low and I noticed more frustration in me. More anger towards her because if her lack of visible involvement. (I hide it from her). Sometimes I think, if she will only show me some sign that she is getting back, it would help me be stronger these days, but there�s nothing. I know, if I will put my smile again on my face and pretend to be happy and satisfied, she will be better too.
Unfortunately since a while I don�t feel like I want to do that anymore. It is like my hope and faith in her is fading away. Maybe my Taker is getting stronger? But even when I think about her in loving way it causes a pain inside of me.
Do I expect too much, too soon from her?

Upset her. She is comfortable. She basically she believes that she can have her fantasy and that you will provide all her other needs. Time to shake things up. You have to figure out if this kind of marriage is good enough for you. It wouldn't be for me. Expose her infidelity to your families. If she comes back and says "but we agreed to not tell our families" Tell her "Yeah, we also said FORSAKING ALL OTHERS AND KEEPING MYSELF ONLY UNTO YOU. Look how that worked out". Rock the boat.

She is angry that you are checking up on her is a way of controlling you. The affair continues my friend. Get a keylogger. Trust me, Ihave been there like the rest of us, it continues.

I would look for a secret cell phone in addition to slapping a keylogger on her computer. Perhaps even a voice activated recorder in her car. Do you have a keylogger on her computer?

And did you see my post about having a chat with her?

That is a sign that she is hiding something. This is why I think she just got sneakier.

I got keylogger. Since a few months there is nothing on it.

How can I find your mentioned post?

So, amigo, how are you doing with tracking down POSOM?

The sooner you get that, the sooner the real activity can begin.

Like I said, I found out on the beggining about secret email account, which is closed since last summer. There are nothing on her cell or PC. I tend to believe about her NC.
BTW please, could anyone send me a link to abreviations. I got it before, but I cannot find it now.

I know all info about OP already. name, Ph numbers, email, DOB, company name. OP left the picture short after D-Day, so I didn't pursued that direction. After, OP backed up, she went crazy and started to call, sent emails how after all these "great, sweet lovely" things they were spoke he could just abandon her. In fact I was suspicius about her NC, but I couldn't find anything to prove it, after we together deleted that secret email.