In regards to my last post I just remembered a VERY important thing I need to have done when my parents get here. Our car died many months ago. We tried to sell it for parts with no luck. We had to push it in the garage when we had the roof replaced. It is still in there. I plan on having a "push the car out of the garage and off to the side in the driveway" party. Followed by a "take everything out of the garage, sort, throw out and reorganize the garage" party. Then I will have my stuff organized. WH's stuff together for removal by him or trash and I can park my SUV in the garage so he can't see it when he drives by.

@LGLG -

I want to say this as kindly as possible, but you are in Plan Whatever.

You have the ability to recover your marriage.

Where is your center?

You are constantly reacting to your WS. STOP! Your WS is not the enemy.

I ask you again what plan are you in?

I agree with Clark.

#1. Stop trying to guess what he will do! Pontification and Bloviation! (bug IM's... drive by house...)
< I have that bottle of Elmers and 2 eels for you.>

Right now, you are not in the drivers seat. To turn this bus around you are going to have to take the wheel. (and not cover your eyes.)

Open them up. What really do you want to do? I think you are learning the basics about what you need to do
#1. STOP reacting like chicken little -- that used to be my job, it is thankless.

He is counting on you for these hysterics. He will play you like a fiddle and leave you. (Saying to everyone; "See!?! My crazy BS!")

Change it up by going 180 on his bum. The advice has been great that you have been given here, but you have got to tell us what you want.

Clark I don�t want to be in plan whatever. You don't have to be nice about it. Start yelling at me and say. Stop doing xyz, Do abc! I do want to recover my marriage. I think maybe there is something subconcious I am saying to myself that makes me think that it can�t possibly happen. WH will never change. I have to work on squishing that voice and believe in myself.

I�m not sure what you mean by this. Where I am happiest at and most comfortable?

I know, I am being my own worst enemy right now. See response above. I think because I have reacted to him for so long it is almost like I have to reprogram myself.

A weak, not so organized plan A that needs an adrenaline shot.

I will get back to replying to you all 2X4ing me. (I know, I deserve it!)
During the course of the day I have been e-mailing WH back and forth. He sent the first one. Short and steaming with piss-n-vinegar. I responded nicely and added in a little innocent sweetness with something I needed to tell him. There were several back and forth's and he started to soften and is now joking around with me.
So I am turning around the Plan A bus and I am going to drive it right up his A**.
Oh, that's not right. It must be a type O. I meant Adorable heart. I may have more questions and advice because I need to keep this bus driving in the right direction.

BTW, I noticed he went from replying to my e-mails after he made me wait for a while to replying right back.

Barbiecat, now I can�t get that visual out of my head.

I am learning the basics about what to do but I am not there yet obviously. I know I need to stop reacting, I need to learn HOW to stop reacting. I need to reprogram my thought process. There are things he does and will do that I don�t like and have no control over it. I have to stop taking it personally and seeing it as a negative and use it to my advantage. Let him think he is getting the better of me, who cares. I will show him how nice I am and what he is giving up. (No, not let him walk all over me) I will know my plan and goals and do the work to get to them. If I mess up, oh well just keep driving the bus.
Kill him with kindness.
You get more flies with honey than vinegar.

I want to never go back to the way I was emotionally and mentally. That is #1 for me no matter what. I want a marriage that has respect, love, admiration, compassion and affection. I want a marriage where we both feel loved and appreciated for who we are, not what the other wants us to be. I want to work together to help each other with our own personal issues. This will help us to become better people and with that make our relationship stronger. I know there are no guarantees when or if that will ever happen but I won�t ever know if I don�t try my best.

Here is a trick question. Which is the correct answer.

You ask WS to do something for you.

WS Answer 1: FU I don't want to do it.

WS Answer 2: Of course my loving dear.

Which answer do you want? 1 or 2?














It doesn't matter which one. They are both wayward answers, until WS commits to recovery, they are wayward.

While you are in Plan A your response to either answer should be designed to meet WS ENs. Loving, caring, and no LBs.

It doesn't matter the answer, your response is always the same. Of course you will have two different responses. But the response will reflect the love and care you feel for your WS without being a doormat.

What are your WS Top ENs?

I looked at the questions and said neither!
Admiration
Affection
Domestic support
Financial support

Just passing quickly through.

This is my earliest thread here, starting with my very first post.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=118185&Number=1359661#Post1359661

If you click on my name, and "show all user's posts" or something like that, then go to the very very end which contains my earliest posts, you will find several threads. Anything between April 05 and the end of June 05 was during the A.

Oh good another juicy Neak novel!

Someone came home this afternoon and is still here. He was distant at first but I won him over. I did a stellar plan A today if I don't say so myself. I didn't have any moments where I felt any anger toward him. If I did I was ready to pull out my visual of a certain poster holding two eels and trying to superglue them together.
I have my visuals to help me.
Eels & superglue- check
Red cape- check
bus- check
2x4- LOOK OUT!
I don't know if he is staying but I am not staying up to find out. I told DD she had 5 minutes on the computer and then she had to go to bed. I was walking by her room a little later and heard her voice and WH's. He is putting DD in bed and reading to her. He also did other nice things. (Not those nice things.) I will update tomorrow when I'm not tired. I hope I am not catching what the kids have.

LGLG, well I see that some well meaning and well-deserved 2x4s have been given to you.

I want to touch on the IMs email. Please don't make the mistake I did. I not only created the email, but the IMs didn't change the password. Guess what I did? I logged into it a few times. Yep. I broke Plan B. I felt like I HAD to do the IMing when I was too impatient for the IMs to do it and when they had gone on vaca without me knowing. I learned my lesson the hard way and I am here to pass on my "wisdom." So in short, the first thing that IM needs to do when they get the email addy is to CHANGE THE PASSWORD. And, NO TELLING THE IM HOW TO ANSWER. You need to know NOTHING other than what the IM NEEDS to send to you. I would be willing to be your email IM, if you so wished. I am CERTAIN that other MBers would also want to be. Ask the mods to pass on your email addy to me and I will get it all set up, if you so desire.

Now, about finding the posts by a user, what you do is show posts and then click on the tab that says, topics created, go to the last page and work your way back. That's what I do.

WOW!
I logged into face book to see if I had any messages from WH's family that contacts me that way. There was a message from one of WH's friends that I sent an exposure letter to!
BS, I'm so sorry I just logged into my account for the first time in months. I can only hope that someone has stepped up and things are better for you and WH. Please let me know if or how I can help.

I couldn't find a number for him at the time of exposure. A little while ago I did find one but I don't know if it is current. I am going to call it and also respond to his e-mail with my number. I'm thinking with what he just found out he will be checking his messages. I will tell him he can help. I need to tell him the TRUTH, let it sink in because he is going to be in shock and then work together to find out what mutual friends he can contact and tell the truth to. Then have them all confront WH. I think that he has to get them to meet with him and not tell them why. Then tell them in person. If he gives them a heads up that it is about WH and WH has already gotten to them they may warn WH. Thoughts? Advice?

Well, that is a nice way of putting it. I still have the lumps! Lol!

I thought about this too. Then I thought�.

So I guess I thought of this solution before I had to make the e-mail address.

Really? Thank you so much! I would be grateful to have you as one of my e-mail IM�s. You guys know the plan and know just about every WW trick in the book. You could have some fun with WH as a bonus.
Do you mean pass on my e-mail address or the one I will use for Plan B?

Well, I just got off the phone a little while ago with WH's friend JA. We had a long talk. He wasn't as shocked as I thought he would be. He told me he hasn't really talked to WH in a while and they are more acquaintances than friends. I did get some more info on things that happened in the past. JA worked with WH back when he got fired 7 years ago. I told JA that I thought although the job and management were horrible WH got himself fired with his abrasive hard attitude. JA agreed. At one point he said to me, you know WH when he sets his mind to something that is it. I don't want to say he is... (I said "Stubborn?") and JA laughed and said "yea, he is."
So he is willing to help if he can but WH has already cut him out. We talked about who else I could reach out to and he did mention one guy that I thought about but decided not to reach out to. I didn't have his info but JA gave it to me. This guy is a sweetheart to the point of being a pushover sometimes. He is also a salesman so that is an interesting combination. WH doesn't have much respect for the guy. But it wouldn't hurt to contact him. WH's partner in crime V is also friends with this guy and also doesn't have much respect for him. WH and V have a superiority complex that is masking their real feelings. JA and I also talked about V and he feels the same way. The two of them are like "brothers" and it is a very toxic relationship. They enable each other.

JA and I left it at he is going to think about everything and see if he can come up with something he can do or someone he can think of that can help.

So how did your Plan A work last night?

You tell me! Here is the e-mail exchange. I did cut out as much as I could and left important stuff.

Me:Chase has called a couple of times and left prerecorded messages.
CVS left a message about some important prescriptions that have been auto refilled and haven't been picked up. Usually they call with an automated message stating they are ready but there was no message on voice mail. They may have called and either someone answered the call and forgot to forward the message or someone listened to the messages and forgot to say something.
CVS ***-***-****
Also DS2 asked me to ask you if you had the track schedule with coaches number on it.


WH:For Chase, I need the password you set up to login online, and also the code that was just sent to your AT&T cell phone.
I don't have his track schedule - he handed it to me and I looked it over then handed it back to him because he was going to get his report card for me, which I haven't yet seen.


Me:I don't remember setting up a login but maybe I did and forgot. I will check into it now. If I made an account I would have used a usual password and username and logged the information somewhere. Here is the code *****. I will e-mail you back if I find the login info.
I will talk to DS2 about the track schedule. I haven't seen his report card either. After I take an antacid and some aspirin, I will ask him for it and put it on the fridge.
He was not feeling well this morning but seems better now.
BS

WH: You set up the login as 2****. I just need the password so I can get this done


Me: password starts with 9*******
Wells Fargo called and they wouldn't speak with me. I did pay the mortgage and set up the auto pay out of grow so that is all set.
DS2 found the track schedule on the dining room table.
(right after this one I sent)

Me: I forgot to mention I got 3 more texts in a row from chase. Do you need those codes?

WH: No, I need the password for the 2***** account you set up

Me: It was in the e-mail I sent this morning about DS2's track schedule.
9*******

No response on that one. I�m sure he checked to prove me wrong and found out I wasn�t.
Then I sent this one. These are things I needed to talk about in a non-threatening way. I know he changed the password for oldchecking and has the atm cards and he knows it too. I can�t call him on that but I can try to work around it. I also got some LB deposits for working on the budget, cutting the budget etc. His EN�s for financial and domestic support. Oh, and admiration too by asking for his help because he is so smart. (I knew what program to use)

Me: I couldn't log into oldchecking for some reason so I had to reset the password.
I want to keep a really close eye on that account so I need to check it a couple of times a day. The funds are low and some auto pay items may come through. I am double checking to make sure I didn't miss an auto pay and also still working on a realistic budget using the numbers on the account and trying to figure out how we can cut costs.
I didn't see the cards and I haven't found them so they may have gotten lost in the mail. They have expired. I may have to request new ones. I also have to make sure I haven't missed anyone who uses them for auto pay because they are no longer valid.
I am also working on putting together a detailed registrar for the new checking account. I want to add more information than the usual Walmart -$100. something like walmart- 35 clothing 40 food 25 health and beauty. I have been keeping receipts and writing details on the back that I might need. It will take a while to get it up and running but once I have a system in place it should be much easier and in the long run help make things run smoother. Can you think of a program that would work best for this? It doesn't have to do the math for me. I am more interested in detailing actual items and cost. If it can do both, great.
Thanks,
BS

WH: Microsoft Excel is perfect for what you are talking about. And it will autosum the numbers for you

Me: Cool, thanks!
I have been meaning to get more proficient in excel. No time like the present. I'm sure I will let a few *%$# words out at first but after a while I will get the hang of it.

WH: I have used excel for almost 20 years, and I still let *%$# words out

Me: Oh great, something to look forward to. When I am in my 60's I'll still be *%$# at my screen. Of course by then there will be lots of advances in technology so who knows what I will be *%$# at.

No reply back but he showed up here less than an hour later.
When he gets here he isn�t angry but there was a uneasy feeling. I just went about my business and when I had something to talk to him about I did. There was some joking around. He did some helping out. The door bell didn�t ring so he tried to fix it. He told me about it. He talked to me about the chase auto loan being on auto pay and it was all set. Things like that and kid stuff. We have 1 kid that I watch before and after school. I was also watching the girl that I take to and from school while her mom was at the Dr.�s. DD1 also had a friend over so it was a fun lively home. I was picking up around here and realized I hadn�t planned dinner. I decided to throw together some quiches for dinner. When they were done I asked WH if he would like some. He was caught a little off guard and said �yes, what kind did you make.� I told him sausage & meatball and sausage, meatball, onion, pepper & mushroom. He smirked and said �meatball? What did you do just go threw the fridge and toss things in?� We laughed and I said �Well, I tried to work with what I had here. People put hamburger in their omelets don�t they?� Later on I mentioned that I totally forgot the cheese. WH said it didn�t matter it still tastes really good. I said thank you with a smile and moved on to other light subjects. I was getting ready to bring DD1 to softball practice when WH asked me if I was staying with DD1 or coming back for a bit. I told him I should be coming back. He asked if I could pick up cough medicine for DS2. I said I had planned on getting some at one point because I checked all the bathrooms and didn�t find any. He laughed and said �I already checked the MB and was just getting ready to check the other 2 so I guess I shouldn�t bother.� We have a laugh. I come back with the medicine and some other groceries and put them inside the front door as I unload them from the car. The next thing I know WH has already brought them in the kitchen and is � done putting them away. We talk for a bit then he hangs out with the kids in the LR. I clean up the kitchen but leave the quiche out on the stove. I go get DD1 and when I get back he had already put the quiche away and (gasp!) cleaned the stove top. I wasn�t feeling well and this is the point I posted last night.

After I posted I came out to the kitchen and WH was out there. I had Theraflu in hand. WH said I should take something like what I gave the kids. He checked the Theraflu ingrediance to make sure I didn�t overdose by taking something else. (maybe he doesn�t want to kill me) Then he gave me a hug and said he was taking off now because I need to get a good night sleep. He said he hopes I feel better and then he left. Haven�t heard from or seen him since.
Thoughts?

Sorry it is so long. I wanted to make sure you saw the actual exchanges in order just in case I said or did something that wasn't meant to be an LB but could be one. I am learning!

Be absolutely cautious here, LGLG. Understand that while what you are doing is to fight for your marriage, you are also talking about your problems with a member of the opposite sex.

I'm not making any assumptions about you, but this is like handling a hot rock. Limited, focused interactions - don't get tied up!

How did you meet the above.

Did you meet any of the 4 Intimate Needs?