My husband and I are both Christians...however, he has been living a life that is far from the one he SHOULD be living. He's had two affairs (same woman), and has struggled in the past with porn.

Now, I caught him chatting online with a woman he used to know, when we lived nearly three hours from here. The conversations included talk about meeting up some day at a hotel room.

I confronted him....and begged him to get help from our church. He SEEMS broken. He seems like he wants the help, but I don't know what to do. I love him, and want our marriage to survive, as I believe that's what GOD wants, but how do you learn to even breath again after all this?

How does he know these women, broken? Do YOU know them? Are they married?

The first woman was a co-worker. Through counseling with our pastor, he quit his job, to avoid her. We avoid shopping at Walmart where she works as much a possible. He eventually left her, but some time later, went back and had a second affair. We wee able to rebuild our marriage, after a separation or so I thought.

The second, he had gone to school with 15 years ago, and grew up in the same town. We had moved back to my hometown three hours away. Back in Nov (I traced it back to that far), he reconnected with her on facebook....and started an "online" relationship. In January is when he started asking to meet her again, as well as other things.

Judging from the messages, they have not met up yet. He has deleted all Facebook accounts, and ask me to change all computer passwords. He knows he has a huge problem in this area, and wants me to help him.

It's just this is the third time, and I don't know HOW to help him, or trust him, or even move forward. I want to, but I have NO idea how to start.

We have a six year old and a two year old that need a strong family.

I have met both woman, but do not KNOW them really. I did email the last one, and told her to STAY AWAY from my family.

Hi Broken, welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here.

Are these women married? And if they are, have their husbands been informed of the affair?

Nope, both single...but both have kids. Neither one has ever been married. I could be cruel and say I can see WHY, but that would help nothing (still dealing with anger here). One of them has four children, the other has one.

The basic problem here is that he has not taken extraordinary precautions to prevent another affair. He is very vulnerable and takes risks. For example, getting a facebook account was leaving himself wide open.

Does he explain why he takes such risks?

Broken, I would get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program for recovery in there. And most importantly, I would have your husband make his life so transparent that it would be impossible to have another affair. For example, since he has trolled for action on the internet, I would suggest he never get on the computer without you. Have his cell phone bill come to you and get ahold of all his passwords. He should account to you for all his time.

SusieQ posted a really good video from Dr Harley about this today. I will go look for it. In the meantime, I will leave you with this quote from Dr Harley:

here

He thinks that it "won't happen again" because he doesn't want to lose his family. But then opens the door wide open again...and it happens again. I guess I don't understand what is is about ME that makes him want other woman so much.

Thank you Melody...I will do that.

I would make sure he doesn't open that door again. It only won't happen again IF he affair proofs his marriage. And his fear of "losing his family" is not a prevention, AS HE CAN SEE. I would be sure and hold him accountable, Broken.

Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on your husband's willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. Questions regarding the wisdom of staying in your marriage are all very reasonable, unless your husband makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a husband.

He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed.

There are a few things both of you need to understand, broken. First of all, understand that his A's have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. It's not about YOU - it's about his lack of boundaries and his inability to put in place extraordinary precautions to prevent entering into these affairs.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? You can get the book on the bookstore link on this website. Get it. Read it.

Your H's first affair was never adequately killed. The A should have been exposed to everyone. Your pastor should have been told as well as your families. Affairs are difficult to maintain when the adulterer is under scrutiny from everyone he knows.

He learned nothing from that affair, except that he was able to have certain needs met from another woman without any real repercussions. He left the OW but nothing was done to recover the marriage. Then, because nothing had changed, he drifted back to have her meet his needs some more. That needs to change.

Also Broken, please consider that since you caught your WH, and he did not come to you and willingly confess, chances are there is much more that you haven't been told. This is pretty common because the WS is afraid if they tell everything, that they'll either hurt their BS more, or that they'll risk losing their BS. Often, if a BS feels like they're not getting the whole story, and they want to know, we tell them to schedule a polygraph. A lot of times all it takes is the thought of a poly and the truth suddenly comes out. This is totally your call but you can't begin to heal until you know completely what you're dealing with here.

Broken, I think you're getting good advice here. If you'll take a look at the dates by the posters names you'll get an idea just how long some of these folks have been here working with these kinds of situations and studying this program.

What things has your husband CHANGED since his infidelity?

So far, he has gone to our pastor, confessed things I was NOT aware of and would have had no way of finding out. Had me change all access codes to the computer so he cannot access it unless I sit WITH him...sent a final facebook message telling the other woman WHY he cannot continue with the affair. Shut off all facebook accounts, and email accounts, outside of his dispatch work email (which only work related emails are allowed as his boss reads them). Today he was going to his boss as she is a Christian, to ask her to ban him from the outside computer (in the break room), and tell her why. We are changing cell phone companies this week so that ALL incoming and outcoming phone calls can be tracked by myself online.

He will no longer be traveling outside of town alone. I will make a way to travel with him.

He will be searching for an accountability partner of another godly man in our church, who will help hold him accountable.

He's had devotions and prayer time last night, and turned his car station to a Christian radio station.

SO far, that's all I can think of, but suggestions are welcome for more he can do.

Broken, can you explain this comment? ARe you aware of those things NOW? And what did the pastor do with this information? Did he make sure that you have the truth too?

Yes, He met with the Pastor, after I confronted him. Then he came home and told me everything. Things if he had not confessed, I would not be aware of.

Yes, I have the truth on everything. This woman lives far enough away, and from emails, I can tell they had NOT met in person yet. Her last one to him, was complaining about not having seen him yet (in the last 8 years, they knew each other before we were married).

Broken, I am so sorry you are here, but you are getting advice from some very good Christian people who share your faith and values. Listen to them closely.

I had an A in 2006 - me, the ladies' Bible study teacher whose DH used to be a music minister. Yes, I felt terrible.....but feeling terrible was not enough. Confessing was not enough. Your DH needs to bear the FRUIT of repentance. Humility, patience, ACCOUNTABILITY, the EP's that are non-negotiable. If he is in some sort of leadership at church he needs to step down until he gets his M on track. Definitely get Surviving An Affair. Like, you, my DH is a wonderful Christian man who did love me and want our M to be healed....but he had high and immoveable standards. You need to as well.

There is a poster on here named Gloveoil who is a good Christian man who had an A. He did lots of things right. His wife's name is TrustWillCome. This is a very good place for you to be. Hang in there.

Broken, did he do these things for the previous affairs?

No. A couple of them, I guess. We counseled with the pastor, but most of the other stuff, he said he "didn't feel the NEED to do", and that he would just be sure to "never do it again".