So I am posting a new thread b/c people stopped commenting on my other one even when it was bumped back up.....

I have been in plan b. However, living in the midwest, we are in the middle of a blizzard right now. WH was supposed to have the kids tonight but due to the weather, I didn't feel it was a wise idea for him to come get the kids and then bring them back. I had to call him to tell him that the kids wouldn't be coming tonight b/c IM was unavailable to email. He got into it with me when I asked where he was living at right now b/c if it my business as he has to provide it. He said why the "F" do I care? I said b/c I need to know where my kids are staying on a regular basis. he said "I'm living at OW... why does it matter?" So, they have been officially "together" since October and he's been staying there since December. How on earth is this going to last??? And frankly, he has stopped doing stuff with the kids and showing real interest in their everyday lives! And, now my kids live there part time. Fabulous..... I have to figure out a way to get it in that he can not take the kids around her! We have a hearing set for the beginning of march and I HAVE to figure out how to get it in that he can't take the kids around her. I switched attorney's a few weeks ago after I didn't feel that my attorney was "working for me" any more. He threw in that it is sad that my attorney said he would no longer represent me so I had to go find another. All the while, POFSOW was listening in on our conversation and sat there and LAUGHED about our conversation and the fact that he was upsetting me. I want to punch that B in the FACE! I am so glad that the two of them think this is all so funny. WTF does this bother me soooo much??? How am I supposed to let it go and protect my children from these two adulterating addicts???

You don't have a legal separation agreement at this time? You should be able to get language inserted into your agreement/future agreement that specifies no overnight guests of the opposite sex while either of you have the kids. So he would have to rent a hotel if he wanted to have the kids with him while he's living at her house.

But unfortunately without a legal separation agreement you can't really do much. As far as no contact at all, you're not going to be able to do that unless you can prove that she's a danger to your kids and get a RO granted.

Sorry, know that's not what you wanted to hear.

I have filed for divorce and the next hearing is for early march for child support and such.... my attorney said I can't really keep her away from the kids now b/c she has already been introduced to them since we knew her before. He doesn't seem to think the judge will go for such an agreement but this is what I want. He wants to see the kids... then needs to keep them away from her.

nlf,

If it was absolutely unavoidable for you directly to convey the information about the weather, then that is where the talking should have ended.

You did not need to ask him about his address, and then let the talk move on to the point where he could insult you. The address could have been requested at another time by your lawyer or IM, since the kids were not staying there tonight anyway.

All that the rest of the conversation did was hurt you, and that is exactly what Plan B is designed to avoid.

I realize that now!!! I also realized last night that he has not cared for me in a few years. He never did anything for me to show care... Yesterday was my bday and I remembered that for the last few years, he did NOTHING special for me on this day... or the other days. I think I am about ready to cut my lossses, get dirty and get everything and move on with my life. I tried for too long and he never tried to do anything to improve anything. i found this quote on here yesterday and I think it pretty much sums it up...

Love is not something you find. Love is something you do. If you lack love for your spouse, you probably are not DOING. Stop looking and start DOING.

This is exactly what happened. He stopped investing and when I told him he wasn't investing, he saw it as nagging instead of me trying to improve.

NLF - your review of marital history is being painted by his current actions.

The worst parts of your time together are going to be emphasized as you think back, because your basis for recall is a lying, cheating, emotionally abusive husband.

Thing is, even if your marriage was absolutely horrible before he began his wayturd ways, MB could turn a lot of that around, if he got on board.

Just some food for thought.

Thanks HHH. I don't know how to get him on board ANYTHING.... I've been trying for close to a year. I do understand that it doesn't matter (to some extent) what happened in th past. It's the future to look towards. He is living with OW (well at least staying there the majority of the time) and I have absolutely no clue how to get him to try anything. Ow is very manipulative and controlling and he is sucked in pretty much and I have no clue how to bring him out. I have tried so much and now, plan b is only going to keep me from hearing what it is he is doing and allowing him and this skank to use me as the butt of their jokes and for laughs. I have no clue how to get him out of the clouds and onboard where he should be.

Any ideas.... b/c I am plum out!

You need to adjust your mindset about this: you and the kids are the center of your universe, not your WH and OW. At some point in time (maybe not today,) your WH will realize what he has done and understand that HE is the butt of all the jokes.

His honeymoon period with the OW will not last forever, and he will find himself in one ugly world when we wakes up. Be strong!

Thanks WT. I hope he wakes up soon... but only God knows what he has in store. I am trying to protect the kids (from her b/c of her lack of morals). I need to stop worrying about that but honestly, my love for him is about gone.

I see that you are a former betrayed and wayward. How in the world do you get through both sides? I am interested to hear what he is experiencing since you went through it. How long did it take you to come out of the fog? what happened when you came out of the fog? We are already in the divorce process as he is very determined that life will never be good and life with my was never good. He said he is ready to move forward and be happy..... without me. I apparently can't make him happy... but then again, he isn't happy with himself it appears. I have worked for a very long time meeting the needs of him and our kids... but I got to burnout mode b/c no one was taking care of me. No matter how much I told him this, he never seemed to care. Do you have any other advice for me?

I was the first to trip in my marriage about 15 years ago. My A ultimately died because the OW and I knew it wouldn't work. Through the grace of God, my wife gave me a second chance. My W knew, but never called me out on it. We survived and continued into a fantastic relationship. About 6 months ago, I got the "I've changed......I don't know if we are right for each other....etc." It wasn't long before her A was found out.

We are in recovery right now. It's going good but working on a long-time relationship with kids, and two huge mistakes occurring takes alot of work.

I think the human mind goes to mush when under the spell of an A. It's intoxicating, powerful, and changes all rational reference points. The worst part is having to get through the A, and then seeing if there is any foundation left to rebuild a M upon. When your spouse is in an A, you can only carry the entire load for so long.

The principles here are the best I've seen. But if your spouse has his mind made up, you may not have a choice but to protect yourself and your kids. Sadly, it seems that many waywards don't see the light until it is too late, and the M has died.

I can only tell you that A's are worse than a Schedule 1 narcotic drug addiction. Fight for your M until you have no fight left in you. A time will come when you know you have given it your all.

Ultimately, you cannot allow your spouse to destroy your spirit. Keep yourself surrounded by good people, and keep your head up. You will not be the one people look down upon.

Remember that IF your M does not survive, YOU will still be walking forward in life. YOU are not a failure. YOU will carry on with integrity and self respect. And people will gravitate to YOU because of your wonderful spirit.

Thank you so much for your kind words. WH informed his attorney that he wants to move forward with the dissolution. I am not sure if I should just throw in the towel or keep fighting. I don't think that it's gonna last but the two of them seem to think it will. She has 3 kids; we have 2. I believe he is living with her so I am not quite sure what to do. I do know that I will not be the one laughed at in the end. I don't understand how the 2 of them will be able to go through later in life with no friends to hang out with b/c everyone has turned their backs on them and are no longer hanging around wtih them. No offense to you, but why would someone want to be friends with someone who helped ruin 2 families?

I have more fight in me but I don't want to appear to have no self-respect for myself that I took back someone who treated me so crappy for so long while wrapped up in an affair.

I am really trying not to throw up here....

My kids spent the evening with POFSOW's FAMILY (parents, sister, her kids, WH, and skank) at her parents' house. Found out they had dinner like one big happy family. Oh, they have now also given WH a remote to their garage door so he can get into their house as well. Uh.... wait a minute here. So... they are going to welcome a man that their daughter is "in love with" who WALKED OUT on his family.... who had an affair with THEIR daughter....and managed to help tear apart her own family... in their family? Is there something terribly wrong with this picture, or is it just me? I am talking about people who are active in the church, are active members of various clubs, and I am supposed to continue going there knowing damn well that they are condoning one of the BIGGEST sins set forth? WHOA.......I can't wrap my brain around it AT ALL!

NLF, I'm sorry, I read your other thread but can't remember - was the A exposed to POSOW's family? Have you talked to them?

Yes... they know. Actually, my WH went to her father the morning I found out about the affair to tell him that he had feelings for POFSOW and they wanted to be together. Her dad told them to knock it off and it was an infatuation, etc . Well, she is now divorced and so her parents figure that it is ok now I guess and since andy has told them that he wants a divorce as well. I am sure he told them that I am dragging it out and ?I don't want it, etc. They all think I am a crazy biatch.

NLF - sorry to hear all of what you've been through. The church is NOT a safe place, and until you find one that has a program / track for avoidance of sexual sin & building up marriage, you will not be able to trust. If the church is truly open & honest & brings to light things that happen (there is an appropriate way to do this in a congregation, but the first step, just like in AA, is admitting it IS a sin and a problem). Obviously, they do not believe in the 10 commandments *sigh*. I know that there is not a perfect congregation out there, but to have one that condones & embraces sin is disgusting, and, you should be puking at it. That's okay! You are not crazy. There are a LOT of factors that go into the dissolution of a marriage - it takes two to make it work just as it takes two (initially) to go awry.

At this point, I'd be preparing for plan D, and wrapping my head around it, especially after you've learned what you have about the living situations etc...

Her family is probably hoping she'll find another supportive, good guy, no matter who it costs. It's a sick, sad, and often moral-less world we live in. People can pretty much say, "we just don't love each other" or "I found my soul mate finally" to end a current marriage. I guess I'm more along the lines with you, NFL - What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this, and that your WH is so lost.

How do you know this? Have you talked with them yourself?

Yes... OW used to be very good friends of ours. I have known her family for years and I do know that they know of the affair. Her sister and I have talked early on and said that it was wrong but she ultimately is going to stand by her sister. I have not talked to her parents since early last summer... her parents can't look at me any more. She is now divorced and basically I am the only one standing in the way of our divorce b/c I am wanting to slow it down..... it stinks that I have been punished like this for putting aside my career to raise our kids. I could already be done with my masters and be in a great career... but, that didn't happen b/c we could never afford it and DH wasn't willing to help find a way with our finances to do so. All about him even then, and what he thinks he wants to be happy. I can't wait for the resentment to set in when he is taking care of her kids all the time and isn't involved in his own kids' lives.

Also, my dad met with Ow's father and they spoke about their "shananigans"...

So, kids came back again this weekend. kids said that WH's family all came over to POFSOW's on Friday for a family dinner and to sit around and visit and have wine and a fire. WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE???? Who in their outright mind condones an affair?! I knew there was a reason why I questioned this family all these years...... sickening. I thought I was going to throw up when I found out. And to think... just months ago... WH's mom was tlaking about how she didn't like OW and how she treated her husband and kids and that she was a BIATCH! Ugh.... someone try to tell me what I need to move forward...