I found out my husband is cheating on me with "erotic services".
I know it's not his first time. he denied last time I confronted him. and I believed him.
but now I'm sure he must be going to those services on a regular basis.
I feel terribly sad. I don't know what to do know. I found what he did through his cellphone. if I confronted him, he must know I am checking his cellphone again which he really hates. if I keep quite, I really doubt he would quit

I really love him. I don't want a divorce. but i can't hold anymore. it is so painful that has to pretend nothing happened. our marriage has been tough. I want to restore our marriage.i know it's not easy but i can do whatever it takes. i just want him back. what shall I do? shall I confront him? I am afraid if i confront him , we would end up divorcing. if I should confront him, how? please help

IWYB, help is coming..please hang in there. Welcome to MB forum. I am new here as well but the vets will be available to help. I feel your pain and you are not alone. Pray.

Yes, I would confront him and demand that he stop. Make it a condition that he give you daily access to his cell phone so you can hold him accountable. He should account for every second of his time so you can make sure he stops this. If he picks up these skanks on the internet, then I would make it a condition that he never be on the computer without you. The conditions that made his adultery possible should be eliminated.

If he won't do that, then he is dangerous and you don't have a marriage anyway. Your H is abusing you in the worst possible way and is exposing you to all manner of disgusting sexual diseases. You need to put a stop to that or make plans to separate and even divorce.

Sorry you are here.

Welcome, IWYB. Sorry you had to find your way here, but you'll find lots of help.

Tell us a little more about yourself and your H:
How long have you been married? Any kids?

Have you done any other snooping to confirm exactly what your H is up to? Keep snooping on his cell phone. Can you get it and forward the intel to your phone or your email? You'll want to save this. (BE SURE TO DELETE THE FORWARDED TEXT FROM HIS 'SENT' TEXTS)

Have you snooped in his email? Look for compromising emails and forward them to your email or print them off and save them in a safe place. (DELETE THE FORWARDED EMAILS FROM HIS SENT FOLDER)

How about bank records? Online records? Look for unusual charges with names you don't recognize (those places will code their transacation with some 'discreet' name.) Print these and save them as well.

Your goal is to amass overwhelming proof so that he is not able to deny the evidence. Can you do this?

We've been married about 2 yrs. no kids.
I get your point that get much evidences as possible. but I think he could deny it anyways unless i catch him on bed. if i don't mind ending up divorce, then I would just tell him that i know what you did, doesn't matter you admit or not.
but the thing is, i do not want to divorce. i hope he regrets about it, see therapist, and we restore our marriage. he did cheat on me, I did snoop him which i promised him to quit...........

Promising him that you will quit snooping is a bad promise to make, so break that promise right now. Just keep your snooping quiet and don't let him find out. He who has nothing to hide will hide nothing.

You have a RIGHT to snoop because what he is doing affects YOUR life!

You are more likely to divorce if you do NOT stand up for yourself. Even if you stay married without his changing, you are a prime candidate for a nervous breakdown. Ask me how I know!

You've only been married two years and have no children. Many here would tell you to run from this man. If he's cheating only 2 years into the marriage, then you probably should...but that's for you to decide.

Get your evidence together and keep any hard copies in a safe place away from your home.

Do NOT let him know you are snooping. Do NOT confront him every time you find new evidence.

Read up on Plan A and Plan B. Look for a thread entitled "The Carrot and the stick of Plan A". Read it carefully!

Do NOT be his doormat, or you will be living this way for the rest of your life.

And, for goodness sake, PLEASE make sure you don't have children with this man unless and until he becomes a faithful husband, if he ever does.

IF you have SF with your WH, PLEASE use protection! You really need to see your doctor and get STD testing ASAP.

Once you've amassed your evidence and secured it in a safe place, tell your husband, "I know you are cheating on me, nd it has to stop right now." If he denies and demands to see your proof, tell him, "I do not have to prove to you that you are cheating. You and I both know it, and it has to stop right now."

Do not cry and beg him to stay if he gets mad and says he's leaving. He probably won't leave, and any threats to do so are to manipulate you.

Do not let him gaslight you (make you think you're crazy).

Do a proper Plan A for a few weeks, but do not let up on insisting that he be faithful to you.

Part of Plan A is EXPOSURE. Expose to his parents, siblings, and any friends who will support your marriage. Somehow, having everybody know that he is acting like a sleaze will take all the fun out of it.

Keep coming here and letting us help you.

BE STRONG!

Lady Clueless

thank you so much for your advice.
I already have a hard copy of his last month's contact history 。
but it only shows phone number, not the messages. so i can only prove that he contacted them. I was thinking to spy his cell phone. but don't know which software is easy and reliable. if anyone knows about it, please let me know.

I already had STD tests done.

I have evidences that he called/messaged prostitutes 3 times last month. do I need more evidences?

didn't know there is such a place here. I feel much better just by speaking out. should come here once I married.

You have enough evidence. I would confront him and demand that it stop. Tell him you will give him an opportunity to prove he has stopped by handing over the cell phone and giving you all his passwords. PROMISE HIM that you will be watching every move he makes and checking his phone every day and if he doesn't fly right this will end in divorce.

p.s. I would also insist he get on the phone with his mother and dad and admit his shameful, disgusting behavior. you can get on the extension while he apologizes to his parents for shaming them by behaving like a trashy, low down man.

shall I confront him first or tell his parents first?
I was thinking to tell his parents first, then we confront him together. my parents in law are very traditional, don't know if it's too cruel to let them know about this

That is an excellent idea! I would also tell your own parents. There is absolutely nothing "cruel" about telling your families. They can be a great support.

I have one more question about the evidence.
all I have now is his contact history printed from his online cell phone bill. the prostitutes' number shown on his phone bill could be easily found on their "advertising website"
I do not have real text messages he sent/received from the pros. I have to install spy software to his cell phone to read all his messages. is it necessary? anyone could recommend a good spy software? thanks

I don't know about phones, but computers have many software programs. ( a good one runs about $100 bucks for 1 year)

You can buy a GPS tracker phone and place it in his car. It will tell you where he is/was.

You are not going to get much encouragement here, I am afraid, to stay married to a serial cheater, which you are.

But if that is your wish, the advice here is the best you are going to get.

Read, collect data, expose, and protect your health.

BC

You have enough evidence with what you have right now. You don't need the actual text messages. I don't think it's necessary to invest much more into this.

Talk to his and your parents first. Then him.

IWYB, the two of you have been married for two short years. He is a serial cheater. You need to think hard about continuing your relationship with this man. How he reacts when you confront him and expose him to your family is going to tell you a lot.

MB is right. If you were my daughter, I would probably tell you that was a bad choice and it is best to move on. Can you imagine dealing with this when you have 3 little children and a mortgage?

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I think telling his parents is a very good idea. Also yours. You need support and care, and your WH needs to be accountable.

There is nothing wrong with your snooping. If a person is doing nothing wrong and is not hiding, snooping should not bother them.

Thank you all for your advices.
I am 100% positive that my parents would want me to divorce him if I told them about this. The reason I do not want to divorce is not about money,kids or love, it's about my philosophy(I know im very old minded) but I know our marriage is not gonna work out if he doesn't change.

maritalbliss , you are right. his reaction would tell me a lot about him....

my parents in law are visiting us in 3 weeks. I am thinking if i should email them now or wait 3 weeks to tell them in person.
I feel the biggest drama in my life is coming......

IWYB,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through--truly awful.

I also understand your moral anti-divorce philosophy. It's noble and honorable of you to feel this way.

But, as you stated, if your WH isn't willing to make a permanent and serious a sea-change in his life's direction, your marriage cannot survive (and doesn't even in fact really exist as a marriage anyway). I know this is hard, but you can't possibly stay in a "marriage" with a WH who continues to cavort with OWs, prostitutes or mistresses or whatever they are.

I would take a firm line--snoop & expose widely as you have been advised and don't settle for anything less than a genuine & sustained "new leaf" by your WH. He has demonstrated VERY POOR recognition and defense of appropriate inter-personal boundaries and values thus far (a characteristic shared by ALL waywards to some degree) and that must change CONVINCINGLY for you two to restore a new & better relationship than properly meets EACH OTHER'S ENs.

I'm sorry and I wish you luck.

I would go ahead and email his parents NOW.

You do not need another 3 weeks of living like you're living now.

Let them know that your marriage needs their support, and that they are welcome to come sooner if they want or need to.