|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
BG, it sounds like you are on the right track. Additionally, I would put a keylogger on his computer and not tell him about it. It will reduce your anxiety, help you rebuild trust, and enable you to stop any potential problems. A good one is either spectorpro or eblaster. Eblaster will mail you the reports. They sell it at spectorsoft.com.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 235
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 235 |
BG, you will need to monitor the computer without your H knowing as MelodyLane suggested. The fact that your H said to change the passwords means he probably has little self control with boundaries.
It's great that he is asking you to do this, but he will need alot of help so that he can get to a point where he can resist his desires if they are improper or immoral. He needs a strong inner moral compass.
Me: FBH (2010) and FWH (1996): 40
Her: FWW and FBW: 40
2011: In recovery
A's are merely chocolate-covered cancer lollipops.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
No. A couple of them, I guess. We counseled with the pastor, but most of the other stuff, he said he "didn't feel the NEED to do", and that he would just be sure to "never do it again". Your WH isn't the person to decide this. His decision-making skills are obviously poor and have landed him in a world of trouble, with you, his marriage, his family and his church. This is your call, broken. You're going to have to lead the way in recovery. He is not in a solid place to be able to do that.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 11
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 11 |
I know that now maritalbliss, one could say I learned the hard way. I should have been wiser before. I hate the fact that our children are caught in the middle of this. I know if both are willing, our marriage can be a strong beautiful example to our children. Im going to install a keylogger here. I went back to Vonage, that sends me a record of all phone calls from home phone. If I could I'd stick a tracker on the car too  .
Mommy to two beautiful little girls, Daughter of the KING...and wife to a man, who needs prayer.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
The first woman was a co-worker. Through counseling with our pastor, he quit his job, to avoid her. We avoid shopping at Walmart where she works as much a possible. He eventually left her, but some time later, went back and had a second affair. How often does he come in contact with this woman? How often do you come in contact with her?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 11
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 11 |
The first one? The co-worker from Walmart. Rarely. We tend to try to shop elsewhere, and avoid her all together. Word is she is moving out of state (according to another employee that KNOWS the situation). I see in in passing maybe once every few months...but it's from a distance.
Mommy to two beautiful little girls, Daughter of the KING...and wife to a man, who needs prayer.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
BG, have your kids been told the truth? They should not be told lies about his affairs. That will teach them dishonesty. Dr. Harley on telling the children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 11
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 11 |
In as much as they at age six (with learning disabilities) and age 2 can understand yes.
I talked to them first (though I don't think the two year old understood at all)
And then my husband spoke with them...and told them how sorry and wrong he was after admitting what he had done (on their level), and asked them to forgive him, for hurting them and mommy.
Mommy to two beautiful little girls, Daughter of the KING...and wife to a man, who needs prayer.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Good job! Of course a 2 year old doesn't understand like you said, but a 6 year old does.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757 |
��won't happen again��
BBG, I know those are your words, and may or may not be his, and the following may seem like semantic hair-splitting, but bear with me, because sometimes word choices reflect or reveal some muddled thinking.
What I have to say is more for your husband than for you, perhaps, but FWIW:
Affairs don�t just happen in a passive sense. It�s not like he�s just walking down the street and a hole opens up beneath his feet & swallows him up. Rather, affairs are a result of sequences of deliberate choices that he makes. It�s like seeing a hole in the street up ahead, and choosing to walk toward it regardless; choosing to believe you can tiptoe around it even though it�s as wide as the horizon. It is a choice, not just a �happening.�
I see three things possibly going on here. The first two are common to just about any affair situation; the third may be more pronounced in your situation than in some others:
(1) You husband's unmet emotional needs: If you've begun reading "Surviving An Affair" (as you should) or the "Most Important Emotional Needs" link in the yellow box on the right side of this page, then this idea won't be unfamiliar to you, and I can't explain it better than the Harleys do, so I'll leave it at that. Learn about his needs, and do your best to meet them, but remember that possible non-fulfillment of certain of these needs, though it increases vulnerability to affairs, does not cause, or excuse affairs.
What causes affairs is
(2) Your husband's lack of boundaries. This, unfortunately, I can tell you about from direct experience, from the standpoint of someone who had an affair. Your husband has not chosen to have strong boundaries. He can change this, but it is not going to happen without him committing actively to make & live out, every day, changes in the way he looks at and interacts with the world around him, and the people in it.
Extraordinary precautions are crucial. It's important that he understand that they are not merely "precautions of convenience." (Hence the use of the term "extraordinary.") He may need to implement & scrupulously observe rules that wouldn't be necessary for someone who's maintained strong boundaries. (For instance, my wife has a Facebook account. I do not. I never did before my affair, but the point is, I certainly will not have one now. That's just an example.)
From a practical standpoint, one thing that can help here is transparency. When I was stepping into my affair, I had e-mail conversations with the OW that would have been completely innocuous had they occurred in open, in the presence of our spouses. Heck, we started out talking about church music and the tribulations of parenting -- nothing more sinister than that. Except... the problem was, since neither of our spouses was aware of these conversations, this seemingly innocent chatter was the foundation of an emotional intimacy. And THAT�S where the wheels start to come off! Right THERE, I had allowed another woman to meet my ENs for conversation and attention, before I ever contemplated the notion that I could be heading into an affair. And it was my choice to participate in, to allow, that initial conversation. (Of course, later on, after I saw where it might be headed, I also made further selfish choices to allow the conversations, and then the physical contact, to continue & escalate. But it's easier to make the right choice if you make it early-on, before you start increasingly getting various needs met by the other person; and that means choosing to stay out of situations where there's even merely a heightened possibilty for getting needs met outside the marriage. (Simply put another way, it's easier to avoid falling down the proverbial slippery slope if you just don't put a single foot out on that slope in the first place.)
As applied to your husband�s case, a conversation between him and a woman whom he knew from before you were married, which could be fine & innocent if he weren�t married, is now by definition NO LONGER fine & innocent if you are not aware of it - because he's got a wife & it ain't this other lady.
He needs to GET this. He needs to redraw his boundaries more tightly.
And to maintain boundaries, he needs to be as transparent as possible with you. The policy of No-Contact with any of these other women needs to be airtight; and he must scrupulously steer clear of initiating contact with, or accepting any contact from, NEW women whom he may encounter in work, church or other settings, unless such contact is purely business-related and also unless he discloses it you aware of it promptly, completely and in every instance as it occurs. You needn't and shouldn't trust him on this. Snoop on him without telling him you're doing so.
(3) Lack of clearly communicated standards & consequences: I don't know whether this applies, and I don't want to presume, but that fact that this is happening to you for the third (?) time suggests to me that it may apply to your spousal communications in the aftermath of his infidelities: Have you made it crystal-clear to your husband what conduct you will no longer tolerate?
See my tag line below. J'notice what my wife said to me on the day I confessed my affair? (And she said this right after she told me that it�d be ok for me to still sleep in her bed.) See, she wanted in her heart to forgive me & to give me a second chance; but at the same time she made it crystal-clear to me that there wasn�t going to BE a next chance AFTER that. (Make sure you�re not taking the Mt.18:22 thing about forgiveness out of its context. You can still forgive your husband without being willing any longer to assent to abuse in the form of his infidelity. If it comes down to this -- and I hope it won't -- you could even divorce him and still forgive him; i.e., forgive him but separate yourself & your children from the abuse of repeated infidelity.)
So if I were you, I would make very clear to him that, however much you love him & want for your marriage to work, he�s down to his last strike, and that the next time he engages in inappropriate conduct or contact with another woman, then he�s gone -- simple as that. In making this clear, you will be giving him not a threat, but a gift.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 618
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 618 |
GloveOil,
I love this and every time I see it I smile. I can almost hear her saying it firmly but not mad or yelling.
"Do it again & you're out on your [censored]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
Great lady. OP and I should read that over and over again until it sinks in and comes out of our mouths.
BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
I'm free!
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
269
guests, and
53
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,659
Posts2,323,613
Members72,372
| |
Most Online9,682
May 13th, 2026
|
|
|
|
