I already posted on the "divorced/divorcing" forum and don't know how to attach my thread.

I know this forum is much more active. I'm not going to go into all of the detail here but my thread is:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=162718&Number=2470869#Post2470869

Ok...maybe I just attached it. If it doesn't show up it is called "as requested so here I go!!!" Some of you experts want to venture over there and give me a shout I would appreciate it. Especially starting 2/3/11. That's where the fun part starts....

Click notify, I believe you can ask a mod to attach your threads.

Cardman has been going through the process of divorce after having fought hard to save the M and suspecting, but not having proof, of an affair. The proof came last night with some deeper snooping. Now he's totally out.
I directed him here because he is considering exposure and not sure who he should target in the somewhat unusual circumstances of not necessarily wanting to save the M.
I say: Daughter, OM's BS, maybe her parents. NOT WW's workplace (OM is coworker with WW).
It's a no-fault state.

...Vets?...Mel??

Opt

Exposure should be to:

~your children and both your and your W's parents
~OM's Wife
~any good friends who are friend of the M
~mutual friends of WW and OM
~workplace if they work together (often crucial in ending an A). Mel has a great sample letter for workplace exposure.

Do this in one fell swoop, do NOT let it trickle out. Plan carefully and precisely. Trickling it out will backfire on you and will undermine your exposure.

Cardman has been posting on the divorcing board, and we're trying to find out for sure if he wants to save the marriage.

He has said that he doesn't want to save it, but D-day was just last night.

Exposure to his wife's work wouldn't be good for him, if he wants the divorce that has already been started. She needs to keep her job so that he won't have to pay her more money when they divorce.

Well then he needs to decide what he wants to do. Exposure to her workplace is the only way they will get into recovery, for two reasons: 1.) it will almost definitely end the A and 2.) they cannot ever work together again. Exposure will most likely take care of both of those things.

Also Cardman...here is the thing: even if you don't want to R the M, do you really want your children around this POSOM??? That in and of itself would be reason enough to expose the h*ll out of this affair if I were you. There was no.way.on.God's.green.earth that POSOW was going to be in my children's lives.

Exposure will eliminate the possibility of this POSOM corrupting your children with his lack of morals and disregard for you and your family.

OWWWWWWWW!!!! My head hurts.

How do I expose the A, break up the cheaters, and position myself for a possible recovery, and at the same time continue ahead with the proceedings toward a divorce?

Is that a fair summation of the question before this august body?

Uhhhhhh, you don't. At least you don't if you care not to invest a mountain of emotional chits, some degree of monetary expense, and an extensive portion of time into a program that you're leaning toward rejecting the success of anyway.

CM, you don't proceed down the board, spring off, and THEN debate "Let's see - do I want to complete a front three flip with two twists, or a back two-and-a-half with three flips?" This will only guarantee a fearsome belly flop!

If you're going to divorce, Plan "B" her right now, document her infidelities for your legal postion (in a no-fault state, it's almost not worth the effort, though) and make sure your kids are safe (and again, in a no-fault state, the best you're going to hope for is joint custody).

Yeah, exposing at work might have some nuisance value, but if you're going to proceed with the divorce, whatever they're inclined to do afterwards, they're going to do.

If you are considering TRYING to save your marriage, it almost certainly is doomed to failure if the committment on your part is not 100%.

Hey all...I know some of you jumped on this board here. Most of my postings have been on the other and I think it would clear up the picture.

Here's the deal...We are about 1 lawyer transaction away from having the divorce finalized. True, I have tried my best to recover. However, the affair is the deal breaker for me. I'm out...I need to recover...FOR ME!!!

My questions are more in line of what do I do to expose with the situation at hand? This dude has a wife and kid of his own. It makes me sick! 2 families broken and two young kids are now going to have to live with that.

Perhaps I just want revenge. Not sure. Right now this is a freaking mess to my head since it is less than 24 hours since the truth has come out. I still don't know all of the details but I do know the truth. SOmething that has been elusive for quite some time now....

Cardman,

My questions are more in line of what do I do to expose with the situation at hand? This dude has a wife and kid of his own.

And "this dude" will continue to have affairs until his W get STDs, or finds out 2 years from now, or someone has the guts to tell her what is going on.

Also when OMW kills the affair dead by getting OM to turn his back on your W, your W will see him for the skunk that he is.

God Bless
Gamma

Card, yes, you need to expose this to that poor woman, regardless of what you want to see happen with your own M. Revenge for you? Maybe. But a kindness for POSOM's poor wife.

She's probably been trying to figure out what's been going on with her M, the same as you.

Get the decree in your hands, with the spousal support determined with her fully employed, etc, etc.

THEN if you really need revenge (and I'm hoping you don't), you reveal to OMW the reason you and your wife split.

In a hopeful-recovery situation, the "exposure" phase takes on a life of its own to "punish" the AP's. There can be an element of that, of course, but the REAL purpose is to activate a TOOL to drive your WS away from AP and back to you.

BUT YOU DON'T WANT THAT! So I would urge you to leave your tool fully sheathed. Remember, your kids are going to be at least 50% of the time with WW. Driving her into depression and possibly getting her fired cannot be good for them.

**edit**

Are you ready? 10........9........8........7........

ETA: Oh, bugger! They snuck in before my post while I was typing!

Ok...I found out where OM lives and he is married and has an 8 yr old girl at home. I know his address, phone number, etc.

So, here's the question I posted on my other thread....How do I tell her? What do I say? Seriously, this is going to be the hardest phone call I've ever had to make in my entire life!

I posted this too on my other thread but....

I was juuuusssttt about off of the emotional rollercoaster. This discovery has sent my head swimming. I was juuuuussssstttt about to the point of thinking I failed...Guess I was trying to "fix" the wrong thing all along. GRRRRR....

All I know is if I don't get more than 2 hours of sleep tonight (as I did last night) then my students tomorrow are going to have a really, really cranky teacher!!!!

Still need help on how to proceed with talk to the OM's wife. That's scary stuff. I'll be glad when this is all over!

Card, I'm going to tell you a story about the day OWH called me. (I'll make it mercifully short, for the benefit of the other posters here who have heard it before )

For months I knew something was wrong. Nothing I did was right, the kids got on his nerves for no reason. We went from having what I thought was a pretty good M to talking about divorce within a few short months. I was mentally trying to figure out how the kids and I would make it financially when we would be split into two households. It was agony to hear his car pull into the driveway - I would race upstairs and tell the kids to turn off the TV and get out their school books - and I didn't care if their homework was done or not! Study or something, and be quiet! Don't talk! Hang up your coat, quick!

It was no use. There would be something wrong. Something that would piss him off and make him sit, in a mood, staring at the TV until bedtime, when he would get into bed, give me a quick kiss and tell me he loved him (uh-huh.) and then turn off the light.

Then the day came when it all came out. He told me that morning that he had something to tell me. He looked like he was going to cry, and I kept waiting for the punch line to his joke. And I got it: "I kissed a girl." My world stopped then. He told me the OWH wanted to talk to me so I told H to give him my number.

That's when I got the whole story from OWH. Thank God. That's when everything made sense. That's when I was able to understand why my life had seemed so bleak.

We're recovered now. But we wouldn't be where we are if I hadn't gotten the whole story from OWH.

Cardman, I would expose the affair to the OM's wife, your wife's family, your family and most of all, your children. If you don't, you will find yourself blamed for the divorce and having to accept this OM as a new family member in the future. I have no doubt your WW and the OM are planning on playing this as if they just happened to meet up after they were divorced in order to ease the OM into your place. The plan is to replace you as Daddy and husband, I suspect. Exposing this will flush out their plan. And it may also save the OM's marriage.

You can help the OMW defend herself legally by giving her your evidence.

I don't see any value in exposing at work right now because that might cause financial backlash for you.

But, do get the affair out there in the open. Most of all, tell your children all about the OM and explain his role in the destruction of their family. You don't want to see the kids welcome this vile loser as a friend when he their enemy, in actuality.

What kind of help do you need specifically?

You tell her about the affair. Use clear, straightforward language. "My name is Cardman, I am sorry to have to tell you this but your H is having an affair with my wife, Mrs.X........" And be sure and tell her to write down your name and # and encourage her to call you with follow up questions. She will be in shock and will think of questions to ask later.

Alright....I'm about ready to get sick! Seriously, read my other thread. I've spent 7 months or so (maybe more) doing everything in my power to get this marriage on track. My wife just "changed" last year. Of course it was all my fault and to be honest, I have done TONS of self-examination to see the multiple ways I was wrong (but seriously, if anyone looks within themselves cannot they find tons of ways they are wrong on a daily basis?).

My point being, I was ready to say "I did everything I possibly could" and be ok with it. Now, I am starting to understand that I really didn't do everything I possibly could. True, I am beating myself up right now. I am emotional, angry, bitter, and just flat out mad. I am also one other thing....CONFUSED!!!! I look at my daughter and it makes me sick. Not being able to see her every day. Not raising her in a home like I was raised.

I also know I am feeling sorry for myself right now and really need someone to smack me upside the head with a sledge hammer to wake my rear up! I've fought for so dang long (I know I know, some of you have fought longer than I have) but....

I have never had someone cheat on me before. This is the first. Always said I would leave at the drop of a hat. Right now I hate my WW more than anyone for what she has done. When I think about that poor girl of the OM's and what this will do to that family it makes me sick.

When you say you didn't do everything you could, is this your realization that you didn't expose the affair? See, you were trying to treat cancer and all along the patient had HEART DISEASE. Of course the heart disease could never be cured because you were rendering chemotherapy. You were using the wrong medicine on the patient. So I agree you didn't do everything you could. Only because you didn't know the truth.


You have the power in your hands to do more to save her family than anyone else. Your exposure gives her family a chance. Do you realize you have that much power to help that little girl? If her mother finds out what is being done to her behind her back, she has a chance to stop it.

And you know what else? You have a chance to save your marriage now too if you want. Did you realize that? You might be angry today, but you won't always be.