I am having trouble thinking through the best way to help my DD14 and not make something worse.

The teen years can be tough, and teenage girls can be.....brutal. There are a couple of girls in DD's class who do not like her and have been talking about her. Now, normally my response to this would be to encourage her, empathize, and make sure the lines of communication are open. As a teacher it has been my observation that helicopter moms who intervene anytime sweetie's feelings are hurt just make it worse. However, these girls are taking it to the next level. DD has one best friend. I think they click so well because they are the only girls in their grade who haven't lived in this small town and gone to this school since kindergarten. Neither of them are boy crazy or gaga over the next Miss X X school pageant. They like Anime and Evanesence and reading novels.

The leader of this little pack cornered DD a couple of weeks ago after she had gone with her friend to a movie (Chronicles of Narnia of all things). She asked DD if she and her "girlfriend" made out at the movies. DD was kind of aghast and said of course not, she was not a lesbian, and they went to see Narnia. The girl laughed and said, "Well, I make out when I go to the movie with MY boyfriend." DD just kind of shook her head and shook it off. The end of last week, DD said that she went into the bathroom after PE, and these girls were changing. DD said, "Oh, excuse me" and left the bathroom. She heard the girls laughing and talking about being "violated."

I have mainly just listened and encouraged. I tried to make her feel completely comfortable to say anything. She said she didn't understand why they think she is a lesbian. That she thought it was a GOOD thing that she cared more about her grades and that she thinks she is too young at 14 to be dating. Plus, it is a Christian school (which I know doesn't mean that much). She won't say who these girls are except to tell me that they don't go to our church.

I am at a loss. If it was laughing about fashion sense they didn't like or jealousy over a boy, I would let it roll. But this is a very small and very.....narrow town. People still use the N word here like it is no big deal. A rumor about DD being a lesbian could turn into a big deal. Not to mention it is hurtful. She tried to be casual and convince me that she doesn't care what they think.......but she does. She freaked out when she left her book in the locker room yesterday afternoon and had me go back and get it. It wasn't because it was homework. It was because she was afraid that if one of those girls found it they would steal it or write something ugly in it.

I used to hate it when a parent thought it was my job to monitor what everyone might or might not say to their child every moment of the day -- I had 400 kids to teach. But I feel like someone needs to know this is going on.

Thoughts?
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Based on what you've mentioned as the socio-political makeup of your town and how your daughter has reacted (not wanting to go back into the locker room, etc), I would definitely bring the school into this as quickly as possible. This is bullying and harrassment, plain and simple and it doesn't belong in any environment much less a learning environment. I think we've all seen where this kind of "teasing" and treatment leads to - tragedy for the victims and their families. Be proactive about this before this gets too out of hand, that's my advice anyway!

I'm sensitive to this type of stuff; my five year old was getting pushed around on the playground and I was all over that like a hobo on a ham sandwich. The teacher, the principle and the kid's parents were all informed in very explicit terms what would happen if this "stuff" didn't stop. And I meant EVERY SINGLE WORD. No one is messing with my daughter. Ever.

Travis

Hi tawandabelle-

I'm a teacher as well who not only graduated from a Christian school, but taught there for a while. One of the things about Christian schools that many people don't understand is that, just because the teachers and staff are Christian, that doesn't mean the kids are having Christian principles displayed or expected at home. Some parents of Christian school kids seems to thing that since they are paying the tuition, then the school should be taking care of their child's moral/Christian "education."

Yeah....right. As my childhood pastor would say: "being raised in church or sent to Christian school doesn't make you a Christian any more than being born in a garage makes you a Chevy."

If it were my DD, I would go to a trusted teacher, counselor or even an administrator and share my concerns and just ask them to watch out for this type of bullying/harassment. It is both. Having others with their radars out can really help.

BTW, I'm sure that if these girls are targeting your DD, they are also targeting others that your DD doesn't know about.

Update: DD tells me that a particular girl (the ring leader) has been using her cell phone to video DD's friend exercising during PE class. She and her couple of cronies giggle over it. She thinks that this girl might have done it to her, but she can't be sure because she tries not to pay attention to her.

DH is furious. We have talked to the PE teacher. We are going to talk with the headmaster. rumors and mean remarks are one thing....videoing is another, especially since these things can end up on facebook.

You know, over the years I have gotten some flack for sending my kids to "evil public schools" and teaching at "evil, anti-God public schools." There are a few things I would like to say to those jumper wearing people.....but I won't.

Actually means nothing at all.

I would get some legal guidance especially if you believe that these young twits are recording video to put on the internet, the possibility of an impending lawsuit would probably get the parent's attention. The school would also probably help if you were to tell them that it would be a shame that the school administration would look really bad when the story hits the newspapers given all the attention about bullying nowadays.

So much easier if we were talking about boys. Does your husband know about this?

Tawanda, I feel so badly that your daughter is experiencing this - or anyone, for that matter. These girls, these bullies, are perpetrators of evil, insensitive acts.

I have no idea what to do. Maybe the school should hold an assembly, required for all students and at least one parent, and these known bullies should get up and deliver a book report on instances where bullying has led to suicide. And then we can all point and laugh at them. Haha ?

Hugs to you and your daughter. Keep strengthening her character - I come from a small town, too, and belief in yourself, in the things you're good at, and family support were pretty important.

We're going to start with a meeting with the headmaster. No threats because he probably has no idea it's going on, and maybe it's years of being in education....but I do want to give the school the benefit of the doubt. I get sick of people torpedoing schools all the time.

We are keeping the lines of communication open with DD. We are talking it out and discussing how she feels about it. We are also talking about praying for these girls and forgiveness - DD's idea. I have seen enough bitter people to know I don't want that for DD.

After seeing what happens with the headmaster, we will make further decisions. The next step would be a sit down with the headmaster and the other parents.

I am not interested in making it public at this time because I don't want my desire to get these girls (and yes that desire it there) to put a big label on DD's forehead. She doesn't want the whole world to know that some girl called her a lesbian.

I have to say, I am kind of amazed at my DD's outlook and maturity about this. I know a lot of grownups who don't act like her when they are hurt. She's a pretty amazing gal.

Hmm, I bet I know where she got that from...

You are very sweet Mrs Vanilla.....but I think she got her level headed logic from her dad The creative, witty, spacey, blond part???? That's all me!