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What can I say to him and do[?] Get into a Plan. Read up on Plan A
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
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I know you have posted that people "know" about "them" but did you tell them yourself and did you use the word affair?
Exposure works best when it hits the affairees like a tsunami, rather than as a trickle. When you expose to these folks, you should be asking for their support and if they would ask your WH to end his A.
Make a list,
~ both sets of parents, siblings
~ other close family and friends
~ workplace (we have a letter we can post for you)
~ OW FB exposure (we have a letter for this we can post for you)
Go down the list and get all the targets on one day. Then once you finished the exposure, this is important, you let your WH know that you have exposed the affair to everyone. You can also let him know that you are willing to recover the marriage if he leaves the workplace and establishes NC with the OW but that if he files for a D, you will be hauling the OW into court.
Other than that, read the carrot and stick and just try to be calm. Don't plead or beg. Mr W has a good list of do's and don't. I will go find it and come back.
Last edited by SusieQ; 02/04/11 11:56 AM.
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Joined: Oct 2007
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OK...the list of Do's and Don'ts.
Do's
1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)
DON'Ts
1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP
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If he says he is 100% for sure going to file and that there is nothing I can do to change his mind.. Does that mean my marriage is over? Is there still hope, what do I do if there is still hope!!??
I just found out my husband has been having an affair since nov of 2010, we have two small children we still live together and he wants a divorce how do I stop this and save my marriage???? Help please!!!
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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If he says he is 100% for sure going to file and that there is nothing I can do to change his mind.. Does that mean my marriage is over? Is there still hope, what do I do if there is still hope!!?? Yes, there is plenty of hope. Have you exposed?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Feb 2011
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Yes to his famy their work and her ex h... Everyone knows,
I just found out my husband has been having an affair since nov of 2010, we have two small children we still live together and he wants a divorce how do I stop this and save my marriage???? Help please!!!
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Joined: Feb 2011
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Guys I'm going crazy, I feel like I have lost my freaking mind , he says he hates me and that he does not love me. But today we ate with his family for his birthday. I was getting a drink and he was standing beside me then he brushed his self against me, he done that twice then we left our kids at my mother laws house and lives across the yard, well I left to go get their meds and he told me to hurry up and come home and go to bed so he can go bed???? But we got to bed and said I just want you to know I'm not changing my mind? Is this normal behavior fir someone having an A??? The way we look into each others eyes is crazy I can see love but why does he say he don't love me?
I just found out my husband has been having an affair since nov of 2010, we have two small children we still live together and he wants a divorce how do I stop this and save my marriage???? Help please!!!
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Joined: Nov 2009
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I"m sorry you're going through this, ADscott. Yes, what you're experiencing is -- unfortunately -- very common. Perhaps this will help: Your husband is very much like a drug addict. The affair is his "fix." In some deep part of his being he knows that what he is doing is wrong, but the addiction is currently so strong that he is unable to break its spell. Part of the reason Marriage Builders urges exposure to everyone who has influence over your husband is to help break this addiction. In a way, it's similar to an intervention. As long as your husband has contact with the Other Woman (OW), breaking the addiction is nearly impossible. In an earlier response, you were given a link to Plan A and Plan B. I can't urge you enough to READ IT THOROUGHLY. It is vital if you want to recover your marriage. In fact, it is vital for your recovery in any event! The weekend is upon us. Message traffic is slower over the weekend, so use this time to read everything you can about Surviving An Affair. The more you understand about what is happening, the better able to handle it you will be. Breathe. Don't panic. Use this forum to journal your feelings, and know that we are here, and we will help you.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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My husband went out of town Sunday, he won't be back till Friday. How do I act twards him while he is away.. We talked on the phone last night and before we got off the phone he said I love you! Right after we hung up he sent me a text saying I love you as a friend, sorry.. What should I do
I just found out my husband has been having an affair since nov of 2010, we have two small children we still live together and he wants a divorce how do I stop this and save my marriage???? Help please!!!
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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My husband went out of town Sunday, he won't be back till Friday. How do I act twards him while he is away.. We talked on the phone last night and before we got off the phone he said I love you! Right after we hung up he sent me a text saying I love you as a friend, sorry.. What should I do Where did he go?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Feb 2011
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He went to Nashville for his work. I know that she is not there because when I exposed to his boss I brought up that he had to go and I asked her if she was going, she said no. Someone I know drove by their work and her suv is there today.. I also made myself a fake facebook last night and I seen she put have a great day:) on his wall!
I just found out my husband has been having an affair since nov of 2010, we have two small children we still live together and he wants a divorce how do I stop this and save my marriage???? Help please!!!
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