So I found out this week that my husband is having an affair with a coworker. They work in different cities, but since its the airline industry, it's not a hard thing to get around. He denied at first saying they just talked about their troubled marriages together. But after searching through his email, I discovered it was much more than that. Our troubles began a long time ago, and some how this is my doing?

We have 3 kids and many years together. I am not willing to throw everything away when we haven't even tried to fix it. He follows the typical behavior described my most posts--the grass is greener on the other side, the affair is not the problem the marriage is, blah blah blah. And he's right that we had problems before this torture started, but he made the choice to be unfaithful.

I have exposed it to our families and friends and have talked with the OW's husband. He and I willing to work on things, but they haven't come out of this fantasy yet. I don't know what to do. I read the posts and it makes sense, but my world has fallen apart and I'm having trouble taking it all in. Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated.

Welcome to MB.

I presume you've read through the basic concepts and are familiar with MB principles at this point. It sure sounds like you've got a head start on some concepts..like exposure.

Is the affair OVER? Have the gone N.C.?

If they are still in contact then the affair continues. If it continues then our advice will be about trying to end the affair (Plan A) and eventually Plan B if and when he doesn't end it.

If there is no contact...then our advice is should be about recovery.

Is your husband a pilot? We've had pilot situations before and, as I recall, the advice is that they have to quit their jobs with any carrier that requires overnights away from home. Overnights away from home are bad for any marriage but they are especially cruel and unfair to a betrayed spouse in your situation. You shouldn't be expected to trust him on overnights again. The advice in the past was find a local carrier or other flying job that doesn't have overnights.

Good luck.

Mr. W

So sorry this has happened. Mr. W has some amazing ways for you to start, and I'd like to add, that we need some details. Specific ones in order to help you best.

And please do not at all believe YOU were the cause of HIM having an affair.

Every day people are presented with right and wrong choices. And every day people choose the outcomes of their dilemmas. Some give in to their taker, some are simply feeling selfish, and some are very lost, and give in to the wrong choice.

He made that choice. It is not your fault.

What you have read in his emails is something called "revisionist history". It means that your wayward husband (wh) is looking for a stupid excuse to cheat. After all, he's doing something morally wrong. All ws (wayward spouses) do that. My x did that. It's a way of them being able to live with themselves and their lies a bit easier, that's all.

Plus, you gotta think about this one. If a married guy or gal approaches (after having a momentary lapse of morality or reason)an intended affair partner and tries to make a move on them, what would they say? "Hi! I'm a happily married man/woman but feeling a bit needy and selfish because my poor wife/husband has been working really hard and taking care of the kids for me so I'd like to sleep with you because I deserve some attention."

Do you think the affair partner would respond to that? Um no. What they would rather hear is "Hey, I may be a married man/woman, but seriously, we're just roommates now. I haven't had sex with my husband/wife in years. We were never happy."

You get the drift now. It's a crock o' poo, that revisionist history!

"crock o'poo"

I thought you were Southern Peachy, not Irish. lol


I wanted to ask another question? Who is this OW? Do you have a continuing working relationship with her betrayed husband? If you do can the two of you make certain that they (OW and WH) don't pull schedules that put them anywhere near each other for the time being. It's a short term fix to insure NC until your husband finds a nontravelling job.

Also...if they are still in contact we'll be talking about exposing her further to her parents and friends...maybe her facebook friends.

Can they get in trouble if you report them to their employer?

Mr. W

Mr. W asked you if you had exposed. Sounds as if you've begun doing that, but my advice to you is to go to the new sub-board here for snooping and get advice on how to find out as much information on the ow and her family/friends as you can and expose to AS MANY people as possible without letting on to anybody you're about to do it.

And gain intel! Keyloggers. Facebook. Voice activated recorders. You need to know what is reality and what is really going on before you expose, and of course to make sure their contact has forever ended. You cannot count on a ws to tell you the truth, and in helping end the affair, you have to find out what the truth is.

You're at the right place! MB tactics will, imho, end most affairs and can lead to real love and reconciliation! In my case, I divorced, but learning the MB paved the way to my meeting the right person and having the marriage we could have dreamed of. So it's definitely the right path to take.

I think maybe it's time for a larger exposure on your part. Massive even!

There's nothing like a sharp dose of exposure reality to quell those crazy wayward revisionist history words and actions, you know. An affair in the light of day isn't something pretty or romantic. It's ugly. It's lies and deceptions and sin. It is anti-family.

Forgot to add, sometimes the "revisionist history" is much more than them skewing a perception to the ap. It's sometimes blatant lies told to alleviate their conscience without a shred of truth. And here's something good to remember too. When you build a relationship based on lies, there's not much of a foundation, so the majority of these affairs die off, and do so in an ugly way.

Those waywards can say anything! Heck, my xwh once told the ow, that the reason his wife (me)and son was gone from the family home suddenly was because I was prounounced mentally ill and been institutionalized and that he had full custody. He lied and said our son wasn't in the family home either at that time, because he had sent our son to Disneyworld with his parents because the child was so sad about what had happened to his mommy. I kid you not!

In reality, I'd left him (as per the counselor and advice of Dr. H)and taken our son since wh wouldn't leave our house and got violent when I tried to get him to leave. So we left and went to stay with my family back home. No disney. No mental wards. Just crazy lies to justify a wayward spouses' bad behaviors.

So don't get sad reading those words he wrote. Realize he is right now addicted to the fantasy and feeling of the ema. Not the affair partner (ap). He's an addict on the chemical high of the affair and how it makes his brain feel. When you picture them as a falling down drunk,slurring every word, it does help you see with better perspective. Don't beat yourself up. This is his addiction, and he's lucky to have you there, to help him get through and end this horrible addiction!

Welcome to MB, hssh. I'm sorry to hear about this affair and your unhappiness.

Please tell us more their jobs, and how they have arranged meetings. We need to know what changes your H would need to make to have no contact with OW ever again.

You say that you have exposed to family, friends and OWH, but what about their employers? If this was a workplace affair where they worked for the same company, then you should ask the company to make sure that they do not work on the same routes ever again. It doesn't sound as if they work together routinely, but as if they arranged their own meetings. This could mean that they can be kept apart without your H resigning.

However, MrWondering is giving you Dr Harley's advice that spouses should not spend nights apart from each other. Overnight travel invites separate lifetsyles and is an invitation to an affair. If your H's job involves overnight travel, then he must permanently change his working pattern.

You only found out about the affair a few days ago, and you say that your H is still in the fantasy. It is my guess that he is still in contact with OW, and they are reluctant to give up the affair and commit to their marriages. If he was very unhappy he would probably be talking about leaving you (or have left already) but he is not leaving. That signals to me that he is a cake-eater; he has no intention of leaving his marriage but he wants the thrill of the affair to continue. It would be quite easy to hide a workplace, travelling affair from you and that is what he will try to do. When he was first discovered he was shocked to realise that his marriage might end, but it hasn't ended and he is getting his affair confidence back. He reasons that if he carries this on outside the home, and if he is attentive and kind to you, then everybody wins and no harm is done.

Of course, this is my own H's behaviour I am describing. He too had a workplace, travelling affair that he managed to bury deeper each time I found out about it, for a total of 4 years. It took a long time for me to understand that he did not want to leave me and was not unhappy with me, but loved getting no-strings sex in comfortable hotels, with no kids, no in-laws, no housework or any of the other paraphernalia of marriage, with a sexy married woman who was bored with her H and who adored him.

Please have a look at this article, in which Dr Harley outlines the steps that must be taken to end an affair. If an affair is not fully shut down, then recovery of the marriage can never start.

In this article Dr Harley talks about overnight travel, and about the first step towards ending the affair:

Never see or communicate with a former lover

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

He also says:

How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

You need to talk to your H about taking these measures (writing a NC letter which YOU must post or email - don't let him do it - and a change in work pattern). You shouldn't mention that you are getting this information from this website yet, because you do not want him to come here and see the advice you will get to snoop on his activities.

Whether he agrees enthusiastically or reluctantly, do not take his word that contact is over. You will need to snoop on his phone and email accounts to see whether contact is still happening. With the benefit of hindsight, I would expect it to continue and try not to be devastated when it does. Contact does not mean that your H will leave you and destroy your family, but it will mean that you will have to take firmer action at some point to end it and protect yourself.

peachy is talking about our new forum Operation Investigate. There are only a few posts in there just now. Please read every one of them and decide which device you need to use to track your H's activities.

Snooping is vital. Your H WILL continue this affair, I believe.

DO NOT get caught snooping and DO NOT tip your hand about what you are doing, or about exposing OW.

hash, welcome to Marriage Builders. The first step is to demand that he end all contact with the OW. In order to save your marriage, all contact with the OW must end and he has to make plans to leave that job. The problem is that your marriage won't recover unless he finds a non-traveling job. A traveling job is an invitation to an affair so unless this is changed, you are looking at a long term affair and will never recover your marriage.

You have nothing to lose by exposing his affair at the workplace. Even though he will likely not get fired for this, at least there will be folks watching them at work until he can get another job. I would expose formally to Human Resources, a key VP and their bosses.

Additionally, I would find the OW's facebook page and expose the affair to her family and friends there. We have sample letters you can use for this. I will post them next.

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

Facebook exposure suggestions



Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW


another great post about facebook exposures:


To add to Tabby's excellent suggestions, send the messages a minute apart so fb doesn't shut you down for flooding. Before you start, copy and paste all the friends into a WORD doc.

He is not a pilot, they work for a company that services various airlines. She is a trainer and they met on business. They talk through email for various reasons and now on the phone. OWH has the phone records of how long they've talked each day. It's disgusting. They talked so long yesterday at work that his phone died. He has a company phone and they have company email so it's hard to track him. After exposing her emails he changed his password and I haven't figured the new one out.

I did contact his employer today. His boss lives not far away so I paid him a house-call. I'm sure the [censored] will hit the fan this afternoon, but I made it clear to the boss that this is not vindictive. I just want all the help I can get. Boss assured me that he would put a stop to the travel between them that he could control (not sending her here for training, etc). The only travel I was sure of was this last weekend when he cleaned out the account to fly to her. Other than that, their rendezvous have been on the companies dime.

OW and OWH had a fight this afternoon (while I write this) and she called my WH to vent. So he's left the living room and the kids to sit on the phone in the garage and calm her down for ruining her marriage.

I left early this morning and after visiting the Boss, I went to Barnes and Noble and read His Needs, Her Needs. It was very insightful and I wish he (WH) would read it and understand where I'm coming from but he is not ready to give up this fantasy world yet. He has not realized how much he stands to lose yet. Friends from high school are defriending him. His world is falling apart just as much as mine is, but he's clinging to the imagined security he has with her to get him through this.

Love the book, and I agree with much of it. But too overwhelmed to make a rational decision. It's like I'm going through the motions, being propelled to go about daily life without any consciousness. It will pass, but I'm still in shock. Thank you all for your support.

Your are doing very well. Stay on course, give the OWH some tips on exposing the affair on his side, you should if you can get access to her friends on facebook and expose to them as well. You have to make it very uncomfortable for her. The other book to aquire to help you through this is "surviving an affair".

Her fb profile has been deleted, but OWH is doing a great job of exposing it on his end. They live next door to her parents on one side and her sister on the other, so everyone knows everything. My WH's boss will be contacting her boss since they are in different cities, so it will hit her at work soon too. My WH and OWH know each other too. They've met in training and have even shaken hands. Nice to get to know someone before sleeping with their wife.

Did you write down her FB friends and family names? If so, create the fake FB page and contact them asap or search for them on FB and "friend" them and then when they accidentally ok that friendship, EXPOSE more!

This needs to end NOW. He should never, ever be allowed to conduct his affair from the home of you and your children. The children should be told all about the affair and you should DEMAND that he end his affair and most certainly not conduct his affair in your home. That is OUTRAGEOUS. Follow him around and yell in his ear "TAKE YOUR AFFAIR OUT OF OUR HOME!!" Do not ever allow him to rub his affair in your nose.

You will rue the day you ever allowed yourself and your children to be treated so shamefully.

I would demand that he end his affair and if he won't end his affair, tell him he needs to make plans to move out. Here is what Dr Harley says about this:

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."


The book that you need is Surviving an Affair.

p.s. I would call the OWH can let him know she is still calling him.

Has the affair been exposed to your WS' parents, your parents, and your close friends? Hopefully those people are talking to him too.

hssh, I would also suggest setting your kids down alone and telling them all about the affair. The affair should not be whitewashed to cover up for your husband. Dr Harley is a strong advocate of being honest with your children:

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

Not sure he knows that I know who he was talking to. After their fight, OWH texted me to tell me about it cause he is FREAKING out and doesn't know who to talk to. I can only assume it was her since his phone beeped almost the exact same time mine did and got up and left. And OWH knows she was texting him, but she was driving with his kids in the car while doing it.

I told him last night to end contact with her. That he needed to grow some balls and be a man and take care of his family. That if he throws this away he is losing the best thing that ever happened to him, and that I would be getting custody of the kids since he is never home to care for them anyway. He said he was not ready to stop talking to her and he slept in the other room. He did break down and cry about the kids, but he's not involved in anything they do. I do all the raising, and bathing, and feeding, and school partying. He makes no real effort to be a part of their lives at all. He watches them from the garage when they play outside, but he only comes in to sleep, pee, and eat. And the last 2 he doesn't mind doing outside either!

Our fight was mostly because OWH contacted me for info and I gave it to him. It threatened their relationship so they lashed out at us. Poor guy nearly threw up reading the emails his W sent my H. So I emptied our bank account this morning. He won't be able to screw us over again. And OWH took OW's debit card too. I am not ready to tell the kids everything. I did tell them to let Daddy know that you like it when he's around and that you want him to be with you more. I just hope he can see what he'll be missing. I've lost 10 lbs since New Year's and half of it has been this week. I guess I'm on the way to Plan A. Is it possible that with the exposure plan B won't be necessary, or is that just fantasy?

You have been getting great advice. Good job with documenting the emails and phone records and with exposure.

I agree with ML, the kids need to be told. And I absolutely agree that I would not tolerate any communication with OW taking place inside the home or in the presence of you or your children.

Have you confronted OW? Has OWH confronted your WH? Have any of the people you exposed to such as your WH family members contacted him? These are some additional things that you can do to bust up the A.

Hang in there!

hssh, giving your kids false explanations about the tension in their home teaches them dishonesty and hurts everyone. Covering up your H's despicable behavior is bad for your husband and confusing for your children. No one is ever "ready" to tell their children, but it must be done.


Sometimes the affair can be killed with exposure, but I think you need to step it up. Tell your kids, your H's parents, tell everyone. He needs to be getting calls from your families; answering direct questions from your children. And he needs to be confronted immediately if he takes a call from the OW in your home. Your job is to raise holy hell on his affair.

Make it clear to him he is to NEVER EVER speak to his adultery partner in your home, hssh. That is a line that should never be crossed. Make him take his affair conversations out of your home.