I am having a really hard time coping with my husband's need for physical attractiveness. It just seems really unreasonable to me. I am thin, I take care of myself, I wear makeup and dress well... It just seems like he wants a supermodel. He says that he's just always wanting everyone to be better, even himself. He wants constant improvement. He did admit that I am more attractive now than before we got married. I just feel completely unloved and unaccepted whenever the subject is brought up which seems to be very often. Besides feeling unloved, I feel hopeless that I will never be able to please him. It really makes me slightly inclined to give up and stop trying. How do I cope with this?

Have you asked him how exactly you do not meet this need? Because if he says you meet this need the next question would be then why do you bring it up all of the time?

What is his exact complaint and how does he present it?

If you are MORE attractive now than when you got married, but it's still not good enough, then your husband has a problem. He is unreasonable.

I've got no advice. My husband could not be satisfied and we are getting divorced.

He is not usually specific. When he is specific, I try to do what he asks (i.e. start wearing lipstick).

Have you explained that you have an emotional need to not be treated that way? If there is no give and take on these issues, this could lead to abuse. I'm seeing all kinds of here.

I'm sorry Kirby, but "not to be treated that way" is not an EN. Neither does Dr Harley suggest that the correct response to a request to meet ENs is to counter the request by saying that you will not do the thing.

If an H says that he likes his wife to look attractive to him by wearing lipstick, that does not seem like an unreasonable request or demand, and it does not seem to be hard to fulfil the request.

This poster hasn't given us much to go on. She has posted in apparent crisis but shown little interest in responding to questions.

Ok it sounds like you need a PLAN. It isn't enough to know that he needs Physical Attractiveness and leave you to shoot for it in the dark.

Sit down and ask him "What does Physical Attractiveness look like?" "What clothes, what hairstyle, what type of make up, what level of fitness?" Then see if you are willing to meet those specifics. If you feel they are unreachable (i.e. unhealthy weight, body shape not compatible with your own, etc.) then you inform him that you simply cannot meet that need - it would be physically impossible and you cannot meet the impossible.

You say he wants constant improvement. Have you asked him what that looks like? Does he want you to exercise regularly? Gain more muscle mass? What is it exactly he wants?

Perhaps if he wants you to exercise you negotiate him joining you at the gym 3 times a week (hello RC time!).

I can give you more advice if I have a bit more to go on. More information of how these interactions go.


I understand this feeling. Knowing what your target is, your goal, how EXACTLY he needs his needs met is empowering. See if you can get him to talk specifics.

As for you feeling unloved, what is he doing to meet YOUR needs? Does he know what they are?

Does he understand Love Busters? Does he understand that respectfully asking you to meet his needs, can easily become a Selfish Demand if you unable to meet the needs despite your best, honest efforts. There is only so much you can, physically, do to meet his need. Unrealistic or unhealthy expectations are dangerous for you.

Thank you for the advice. I have not been able to give many specifics because he hasn't given me much to go on. It usually seems like he describes wanting me to be super sexy all the time, totally in shape - just really broad, seemingly unreachable goals.

But the advice to get him to be more specific should help. I will have to do it carefully though. I am extremely sensitive and have a high need for admiration.

There are issues like how he wants me to wear high heels, but even just wearing them on a date (house to car to restaurant and back) causes extreme back pain for me. He knows this, but yet he brings it up (wanting me to wear heels) very often.

He's not really into reading any of the books at this time. I'm the one reading and trying to improve things. On that note, is there a good, Christian based resource (in addition to the Bible) to help with self-esteem issues? Maybe if I could work on that in myself, I could cope with his need better.

Thank you.

jtcarter,

your situation triggers some bad memories for me. When I married my (now) ex, I had just joined the military and the 3 years we dated I was a t-shirts and jeans kind of girl, no make up at all. Big glasses. I did like to wear wild toenail polish (blue, black, purple, green) but that was about it for �girlie� stuff.

After he married he wanted me to change. Dress more sexy. Wear bright red lipstick. Get my hair done. Get contacts. Stop wearing the toenail polish because my feet are big and the polish made them look bigger. I changed for him, (knowing that I brought issues into our marriage and wanting to do whatever I could to make up for it) but it was never enough. He was one of those guys who was naturally very low body fat, so he had no patience with how much effort it took me to lose weight and keep it off. We had a rule that if one of us didn�t like what the other was wearing, that person would either take it back to the store or throw it out. I did most of the throwing out.

Years later, I discovered that he was doing porn. A lot of porn. I found out when the Lord convicted him (he says) and told him to stop and so he told me about his problem and that he was stopping.

We had our son at year 8, and though I got in good shape (acing my fitness test and running half-marathons), my body never really recovered from nursing my son over a year plus some failed pregnancies. I didn�t look bad to everyone else, but to him everything I bought got the comments of, �that makes you look too fat take it back.� I eventually kept some of those clothes, even though I believed in being obedient to your husband, because clothes wear out and since he was a pastor at the time, I didn�t want to go around in raggedy clothes.

After the divorce, I found out that my clothes didn�t make me look fat at all. This was just his controlling mechanism. I know he didn�t really think I was fat because we attended the same church for about 6 months after the divorce (I needed the support of the women in the church) and one day he pulled me aside to ask me what was my problem. �What are you trying to do to me? Purposely wearing all those clothes that make you look good!� I had specifically been wearing the outfits that he most grumbled made me look fat and ugly, because I did not want to be a distraction as he ministered.

I said all that not to threadjack, but to say that when people tell me their spouse is being unreasonable about appearance* it makes me think a) there�s someone (or someTHING like porn) involved or b) the person is having personal mental/ego issues (like a failure at the job) and dogging out spouse�s appearance to exert control/make spouse feel bad.

DTC


* my standard of unreasonable is that someone wants their spouse to be radically different from how they were during courtship and early marriage - I do not really blame people who are frustrated their husband/wife gained 100 pounds for no medical reason or similar things like that we fall prey to because the other person should �love us for who we are� and it takes sooo much effort to stay in shape. But I DO take issue with someone who married a no-makeup, jeans and t-shirts girl and wants to turn them into a VS model.

So, if you were actually able to start meeting his PA need, and he began showering you with admiration, how can you lose?

A good, radically honest conversation would be good.

Have you thought about starting by printing out the questionnaires here?

Emotional Needs

Love Busters

These will be a good facilitator in having a conversation about meeting each others' needs.

Thanks to all of you.

We have talked about it a good bit. And we did a questionnaire. Once he realized how hurt I was, he pretty much took it all back. But it's out there now, and I'm not going to forget it. I'll just try my best, and hopefully he'll remember to be as kind and accepting as possible.

Be careful that you don't fall into the trap of requiring that he accept you as you are while refusing to listen to his need for physical attractiveness.

Has he given you a list of specifics that you could do to satisfy this need?