To all of those that have been betrayed, does it bother you or can you live with the fact that your spouse will always have a special place in their hearts for the OP?, that while your spouse may love you, thoughts of the OP will still exist, is this something that can be dealt with. I am having a very difficult time with this. The other man has treated her with disdain since my discovery, yet when certain issues come up, she continues to make excuses for his behavior, yet claims that she no longer loves him or has strong feelings about him, something still must be there. <P>For those who have done the betraying. Is it possible to regain the feelings of love for your spouse that you once had for them? The damage that was being done by your spouse that contributed to your betrayel, could that damage be repaired, or is it beyond repair, and if not, can you truly be happy with remaining with your spouse? Can you truly love your spouse and still have a special place in your heart for the OP?

FA<BR> While I can't say that won't ever bother me (especially since my w is still talking to the om and hasn't committed to "us" yet), I choose to look at it this way. She was married before and she probably still has some buried feeling about her ex (who she had children with) and she had several serious boyfriends that she also still has some feelings for. What matters is that she (hopefully) will choose me as her deepest and truest love. I still think about an old close girlfriend on occasion and it doesn't mean that I love my w less. I have had loves, but none as true as my w. I guess that is the way I look at things.<P>dzrt

I agree with dzrt.<P>I was never in love with any one else (okay maybe Sandra Bullock) and I don't believe my Wife was either, but it doesn't mean you can't love each other less because of it. I think it is the fact that she loved someone else <I>while we were married</I> that will bother me the most.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Chris<P>Yes, the fact that she loved someone else while we were married has been devestating. Even more devestating was that she placed the OM above me, loved him more than she did me, wanted him more, loved having sex with him, while only tolerating it with me. She claims that she doesn't feel that way now, which I don't know whether to believe that or not, but it still doesn't feel any better knowing that she had once felt these things.

(Chris, what about Sela Ward? )<P>F A,<P>The questions you have for the betrayer... I hate those questions. I just don't want to think about it, cuz I've been thinking about it too much lately. Will I regain the love I once had for my wife? I really have no idea. I'm not even sure how much love I had for my wife to begin with. So you can see how I don't like to face that question. I prefer to just let things happen. The same goes for your other questions too I guess. I don't know right now if I can answer them yes OR no. <P>I'm in a bad place right now, even with the progress as I've made to overcome withdrawal. bummer.<P>--andy<P>

AH, Okay, Sella Ward <B>and</B> Sandra Bullock!?!?

Betrayer here.<P>Yes, for me, there will always be a special place in my heart for the OM - he didn't do anything mean to me. I am the one who broke it off. BUT I am not in love with him anymore. I no longer am going through withdrawl either(it did take a very long time) and now when I think about him, it is just a memory. We have had absolutely NO contact since the break, except for when his wife began harrasing me a few months later (no, she isn't Tired Lady and I am NOT Mia!) His W actually set me back and it took even longer for me to get over him because of that.<P>I PRAY all the time for the Lord to give me back the life I had before the affair. I PRAY that HE will give me the love for my husband that I should have. There are days when it works, and still some days when it doesn't. <P>Time is the only thing that heals. It takes a really long time. Hang in there.

F A,<P>My W is still in contact with her OM (emotional affair) but we are in counseling and she <B>says</B> she wants to make the marriage work.<P>I am <B>hoping</B> that this will not be a problem in the future - Hoping that I will be <B>so happy</B> that our marriage wasn't wrecked, that my emotional needs are being met, etc. that I can ignore the pain that she gave her heart away while we were married. Boy, writing that down makes it sound really hard to do <P>But I keep visualizing far down the road when (hopefully) her feelings for me are as strong as they were for him. That just sounds so refreshing! So that's what I focus on.

FA - Yes, it does bother me a lot, as a man betrayed by my W, those thoughts of the place the OM has in her heart. And I know that they still will even if/when she ever gives her affair up (which she shows no signs of doing, so far!) But at least she doesn't talk about the OM. What bothers me almost as much is her feelings for the guy she DOES talk about a lot, that she was in a former relationship with. From the way she talks, she makes it sound like this guy was THE love of her life (not me). So I have a lot of jealousy towards him too. It does twist you inside. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

In answer to the question for the "betrayed",<P>My ex "cheated" (sort of) the first time prior to the time we go married. She had gone away to University and had a new boyfriend there. I knew (obviously) about the university, but not (obviously) about the boyfriend. She decided very quickly to end that, transfer to our home town university, and tell me about it. No "I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again, etc." Just, "Well, here is what I did while I was away." I tested high in "hostility" on Taylor-Briggs temperament tests for years afterwards. But I eventually got better.<P>The second time, after 8 years of marriage, when things started getting funny looking, my hostility level went through the roof again. (I can kind of tell when I'm getting hostile myself now, although it often takes months to figure out why.) I never did find out what was going on this time; she preformed a pre-emptive relationship termination first. Since then some of the pieces are falling into place.<P>The funny thing is, the time we tried to stay together, I probably stayed hostile for 2 years. This time I lost the hostility almost the day I moved out. Well, not totally, it came and went in waves. It's almost all gone now. (I think and hope, I do my best).<P>Anyway, at the end of this whole thing I have learned that as much as I still love my ex wife, it was not meant to be. She has, for her own reasons, felt compelled at various times to do things (like cheat, kick me out of my house so she can have a boyfriend, invent character destroying stories about me, etc.) which are huge offenses to my sensibilities. I can't live my whole life angry.<P>I know by now she isn't going to change. It is better for both of us if I let her go and do her thing. She needs to be able to adjust her commitments on a 24 hour basis (she has told me this herself). That is absolutely not the sort of person I am, and living with someone like that just makes me angry. I'm sure living with a "stable-steady" person like me was probably a huge strain on her as well.<P>Anyway, I don't believe it is possible to reconcile with your wife if you are still angry or have any doubts as to her level of commitment (or your own). Actually, you might be angry or worried she is still in "love" (yuck) because, somewhere deep inside, you know the commitment isn't there. If that is the case I say give it a rest. It isn't going to work until she is on board.<P>If she is on board, and has truly recommitted, then the OM isn't really anything more than an old boyfriend.<BR>

I'm the betrayed.<P>I don't know if my wife will <B>always</B> have a special place in her heart for the OM. She certainly does now. She, too, is still in contact with OM to be "just friends". She is holding on to the emotional part of the affair and it is by far the most difficult to break. And YES that bothers me - daily. <P>Looking down the road, I hope and pray my wife will see this time in her life for what it really is. She is responsible for her own actions. I can't make her do anything. I can't force her to love me. I can only offer my love to her and it is up to her as to how she wants to respond.<P>The OM in my wife's life is not treating her very well either since confrontationy. He could careless about her feelings and would not be bothered if she didn't call him again. But she continues to seek his friendship. Pretty sad in my mind. I hope she sees him for what he really is. My fear is that things will get out of hand again. Until this emotional bond is severed completely, she won't give her full effort to rebuilding our marriage.<P>SHA

Betrayer here.<P>I thought I throw in some good pints here. Although I was never in love with the OM and I ended it as soon as I got caught, I realized that my definition of love wasn't exactly right. I had always told my OH that I loved him even after fooling around with the OM. I honestly believe it too. I have since learned what love is REALLY about and see him in a whole new light. I have fallen in love with a new man as far as I am concerned. I never saw some things then, that I see now. So there is a good chance that the love will be better.<P>------------------<BR>What does not kill you, will only make you stronger!<BR>

F A,<BR>I wish I could get my H to post here, but, I don't even want to ask him cause I don't want him to remember the past by putting it down on paper.<BR>But, I can tell you, because we have had talks about our feelings, that he doesn't hold a special place for someone who has contributed to the pain that we have gone through together. He looks at it differently now, he got to the point that he couldn't handle what he was doing, not happy with the double life, he said he had never fallen out of love with me, never not wanted me, he was afraid to loose me. He ended it, and has never had any contact since. The remorse that he felt, over powerd his feelings for the OW. The recovery has been hard, yet, has allowed us feelings for each other that have become very strong. I finally pasted that point of not knowing if I was going to be able to go on.(about a year into recovery) I wanted to, but didn't know if I could. We are 20 mo. in recovery now. He has said things to me like "tornapart" has expressed. I know what she means totally.<BR>My H and I are soooo lucky. I wish that for all of you.<BR>Almost Happy<P>-------<BR>TIME <BR>

FA<P>In many cases falling out of love is not the reason people stray. They stray because they think that their needs are not being met. So the person who meets their needs is considered "special". If they come back home and their needs are met by their spouse, then the spouse will become special once again. <P>At that point it is up to the betrayed to determine whether the marriage is to continue. It is also up to the betrayed to figure out if meeting the spouses needs is within the realm of possibility. The betrayer usually doesn't come back if there isn't some love left for the spouse. So there is a very good chance that once the betrayer comes home and the betrayed learns how to accept that, the chances of a successful recovery are good. The betrayers feelings for the OP will probably last only as long as the betrayed's negative feelings continue.<P>Flip

F A<BR>I never lost the love for my H. We had lost that spark in our marriage and grew very distant, neither one of us knew how to fix it and we never talked about it, as we all know here, without communication you don't have much of anything! It is still hard work communicating but we are trying and the more we communicate the easyer it is getting. I think that anything can be repaired if the person wants it to be and puts forth the effort. My H has put forth a HUGE effort in repairing the damage also he has put much effort into looking at himself and putting effort into becoming a better person. He has also helped me in taking a look at my self and I am very PROUD of him. I have been able to learn many things about myself and can now understand me, without him I don't know how long, IF EVER, I would have taken a look deep inside my self and been able to see who I realy am and now be able to change. As far as having feelings for the OM it makes me SICK to even have his face come into my memory! In my case I was running instead of dealing with my marriage. The OM was on the look out for a caretaker, UNFORTUNATLEY I had came across his path at the same time I was feeling very down about my marriage and myself. I give my husband all the respect in the world he is a man with great values he is very strong willed, understanding, has a heart full of love and compasion!!!!! My H will always have the only special place in my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FA. I have to agre with dzrt. It is possible that my H will always think a bit about the ow - although knowing him I bet he will forget all about it before me - I don't think it will affect me all that much. After all we both had other relationships before we got married, and if we ever thought about this people, it never interfeered with our own relationship. I am treating the affair more or less in the same way. It happened, it's over. WE're both committed to make this a better and stronger marriage and it is working. Will he think about her every once in a while? It's possible, but he is with me and wroking on our marriage even though I gave him the right to choose to stay with her if that was what he wanted. That's enough for me. <P>TAke care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.