I was just curious, what is the difference between a spouse (WW) that is very remorseful (tears and all, chases you out to the street as you leave) vs. a non-remorseful spouse who tells you the truth about an affair?

Does it have to do with love bank deposits or withdrawls or just plain guilt?

Eric

Hey Eric,

Welcome to MB.

It's late and I don't want to get all philosophical about this question nor try to figure out which situation in particular you may be dealing with.

Presuming both WW's just got out of an affair...

there isn't a difference.


Waywards are messed up.

Period.


It's kinda like asking what the difference between a very remorseful (tears and all, chases you out to the street begging/pleading crackhead promising to quit) vs. a non-remorseful crackhead who tells you the truth about their crack addition?

Bottom line...AT THIS TIME...there is no difference. Both crackheads. Get them treatment and distance from that which ails them and THEN you can see what you've got to work with.

There is no way, upfront, to know whether your chances (to recover) are better with one than the other.

YET.

Mr. Wondering

LC,

difference between a spouse (WW) that is very remorseful vs. a non -remorseful spouse who tells you the truth about an affair?

My opinion/experience The remorseful WW who dosen't tell you the truth will make you feel better in the short term, but long term the unanswered questions will eat away at you.

Short term the full truth will hurt, but it will give you the facts you need to continue or not.

Ideally you get both. Both cases provide only partial recovery.

God Bless
Gamma

My wife admitted to having an affair (a couple of days EA and then 1 day of PA). The only reason she stopped was she felt empty and full of guilt. The other reason she stopped she said is that I celebrated her birthday and made her feel very very special. She said they almost had sex but their foreplay caused the OM to go a tad bit early.. At that junction she said she was waiting until his refractory period was over but the parking lot was starting to get full of people so she said to stop, I'll get back to you later honey.

I remember her getting dressed so special that day, her brushing her teeth, and her saying she was going "shopping by her self." Very unusual, I knew something was up but at the time I was too trusting to believe it (my fault). She also admitted to him coming over here while daughter was at the house and he talking about his marital problems (his wife was avoiding him blah blah blah). She felt sorry for him and gave him a hug... then he kissed her... then as you know the affair went on from there...

During that time I was neglecting my own marriage even though I didn't mean to do it just got caught up in the day to day grind. I didn't realize she craved so much more attention and affection to what I was offering her. What is crazy (I exposed the affair to the man's wife and her Dad) and found out the wife said he had cheated 4 times in the past with so many girls and has been to the strip club many times... just she thought he had changed. She said he is a serial cheater who knows just want to say and do to get into the heart of a woman (even a married one)... Once my wife found out this truth it was if the fog was lifted (I can't believe I was used, I thought he cared about me, all he wanted was sex??) This was my wife who was going to "leave me" for this worldly man.

We have been God fearing Christians for years, praying together, etc.. so a sin like this can happen to even us.. I bet it isn't that uncommon.

I've:
1. Exposed affair: (His wife, my FIL, several of OM's friends, my brother, my wife's sister)
2. Enforced NC (blocked his number, parental controls on computer, dropping wife and kid to father's house when I'm at work.. The last one I haven't done too much but is effective to let her be with her Dad who is counseling her, he is a minster)
3. Snopping (I have installed keyloggers, I check my Verizon like crazy for any unusual numbers--haven't found any, she isn't too techy so I log in to her accounts, keyloggers reveal no problems whats so ever). Her best friends, though, did not do a thing to help her see the light but the keyloggers reveal that she is remorseful and wants to work on our marriage and that she loves me. She is also pregnant and the keyloggers reveal that it is my child. She has no idea I have keyloggers and the keyloggers have been valuable helping me confirm her story. I am blessed that they didn't take that next step and actually have sex but it got sooooo close... not that if would of mattered anyway, it was still a betrayal

I haven't done a NC letter as the man is military and we don't know his address. She has said she will do a polygraph for me when tax money comes. Her fog was very short... the first two days after D-day she lied to my brother and said the reason why she did it was because (I look at porn all day)... obviously false but my brother knows it isn't true. I don't look at porn.

Another question, what methods have worked to get wayward wife to spill all her beans? So far, my snooping hasn't picked up anything devious. I believe the affair is over. I am concentrating on eliminating love busters and meeting her needs... She is reciprocating back. If this continues is it common for waywards to spill more or would they hide details forever?