du�buqǐ, but why wait?

I just realized I have a problem. My wife is using her sister's computer and so I run a risk of her intercepting my email.

This whole exposure thing is difficult for me. I am not very close with her family. I have not been back there in 10 years. There are language and cultural differences. Mom does not speak english.

It feels very akward to me. It feels like I am "telling on her". I feel like it is going to pour gasoline on this and my wife is going to never forgive me for being so spiteful.

What happens if I skip this step? I am quite sure my wife is not going to say anything to her family until the divorce starts. Which I am still hoping to avoid.

What is spiteful about asking family for support in your marriage? Exposure isn't done for spite, it's done to shine a light on her behavior and make her accountable. Up until now, she's been able to have her cake and eat it too. Why should she do anything different when she knows her husband will back down if she shows displeasure?

My DIL is Chinese and her parents speak no English either. I understand the culture differences, but when it comes down to it, adultery is adultery in any language. Yes, there will be shame (and rightly so) but the shame will be from her own behavior, not from her husband standing up for her marriage.

Your WW will likely get VERY angry about exposure, they ALL do. It's expected. No one likes their bad behavior being exposed, especially to family members. Your marriage will survive her anger, it will NOT survive her continuing to step all over it and you by doing what she's doing.

We've seen it all around here. Your WW is a typical wayward.

Exposure is an important step. No, you can't skip it.

Now, do you want to turn this thing around?

Start by getting the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's very inexpensive and a powerful tool in your fight for your marriage.

I put in bold what's going to happen if you skip this step, Hop. You have been given sterling advice to kill your WW's EA's. Don't pick and choose what's easy for you and skip what's not. It doesn't work. Betrayed spouses have tried that for years. It doesn't work.

OK. I hear you. I still have some very difficult logistical problems:

1) I can only communicate with her 3 sisters and her brother. Brother is oldest, then older sister and then my wife.

2) The oldest sister lives in the house and so has seen her behavior but if I send her email, it could easily be intercepted. My wife is using her computer.

3) Calling the house runs a high risk of my wife learning before I have a chance to rally the help.

My best chance is to try to call her brother directly. He lives separately. I can then ask him to get help from everyone. Do you think this will be enough. Now I need to find his phone number which may be difficult.

Should I expose the past physical affair that has already ended? Or just focus on the current online emotional affairs? Maybe I have to expose the past since it will give more credence to the online affairs. Some people question the importance of emotional affairs.

More questions: Is there more success with women or men in this approach?

FYI: I have ordered the book.

NOW, you are thinking strategically. I would call him and ask him to tell his mother and sisters and enlist their help in getting her to stop.


Yes, tell them about the affair and that she is seeking the same thing again. Does the OM she had the PA with live there in their country? They need to know who so they can stop them from seeing each other.

I would also tell your children and encourage them to talk to her about her destructive behavior.


Its about the same.

I would strongly suggest you not allow her back in your house unless she makes a 180 degree turn and takes extraordinary precautions to prevent a repeat.

Now, ask me how much success there is with your approach........... Please listen to this radio clip of a betrayed husband who refused to exposed speaking to Dr Harley: click here

p.s. the reason your wife is still having affairs is because nothing was ever done about the first one. It was kept secret. When one does not recover from the first one, others will follow. That has proven true in your case. Unless you stop this and recover your marriage, she will eventually leave you for an affair partner. That is what she is trying to do now.

I have concern that the family will believe her when she says that they are "just online friends". Do I provide the hard evidence in logs to her brother? This means that she will also probably learn of my spying and that will set off another time bomb. It also means that future intel gathering may be much more difficult. What about when the details of the online cyber sex boarders on the disgusting. Can that be too much for her family to digest about their sister?

I have also done a 180 degree turn in the past 3 days. For the last 3 months I have been enabling; complaining yes, but never pushing it to a head. Is there any gain in letting her have a couple of days more to realize how serious I am. What about calling her and talking to her, so she can hear how serious I am.

When I remind myself that filing for divorce is inevitable on the current path, I find the strength to go forward on exposure. I just want to make sure I do it right and at the right time.

My plan is to isolate the exposure to Taiwan based family only for now. When/if she comes back, if she is not onboard with the program, then expose it to local friends and family.

It is amazing that I can mentally believe that exposure is the next thing to do, but still have so much problems doing so. How normal is it to be this conflicted? You know, when I search inside myself, I realize that it is this. When your spouse is having an affair, you feel many emotions. One of them is your own guilt, your own shame. Logically you know this is ridiculous, but your inner victim tells you to stay hidden. She is the one doing the wrong thing. Not me.

Wow, flash back. My parents went through a divorce from my ages of 15 through 17. My Mom left my Dad for another man. I did not speak up. I was ashamed then too. I also did not think my Dad was always that good to my Mom, even though he was a gentle and kind man. I loved my Mom dearly, but I let her go. I stayed with my Dad who I also loved dearly. I watched his heart break. He never recovered.

I am also kind and gentle and my wife uses it to her advantage. I have to remind myself to stop being the victim.

Yes, you should show them the evidence. The purpose of gathering evidence is to kill the affair, not to be a voyuer. What is the point of spying if you are not going to use it to kill the affair?

The brother should be told that she is using the sisters computer to conduct her affairs. Give the brother any evidence you have.


But you are not serious. Talk is cheap. She needs to see your words backed up by action. That action should come from exposing the affair<s> followed by a letter telling her she is not coming home unless she meets all your conditions.


In other words, you want to continue to be an enabler. You are bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight and will only get your [censored] shot off with a partial exposure. The affair should be exposed to everyone in the same day. You want to ask those people to email her and use their influence to persuade her to end her affair<s>. It should hit her like a tsunami, not a little dribble here and a little dribble there.

Dribbling out an exposure is just enough to piss her off but not enough to kill the affair. IT is like shooting the burglar with a pea shooter, it just pisses him off enough to come after you, but not enough to stop him.

Hop, being timid has not served you well. It has almost destroyed your marriage. If you had done all this with the FIRST AFFAIR, you might not be sitting here dealing with affair #5. It is time to man up and stop being so timid. Your family needs a leader, not a scared little man.

Expose to everyone. Everyone. Your kids, friends and family. On the same day. She needs to hear from LOTS of people on the same day.

Then send your wife a letter giving her your conditions for return. If she doesn't agree, then change the locks and get a legal separation.

I am gathering the Intel into a good format to email. I am tracking down phone numbers.

I have also looked at her recent logs. She is already feeling the pressure from my last email.

If I can convince her to agree to the conditions of full disclosure and no contact immediately with me directly, do I have to go through with exposure?

Absolutely. Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer. You shouldn't deprive her of the best medicine for her "ailments." That is not in her best interest and most certainly not yours.

The more people who know, the better. Her family can speak to her while she is there with them.

Please listen to ML on this. Local AND long distance exposure. I was 37/38 when I had my A, and I tried to wrap it in that "mid life crisis" myth. Cheating is cheating, and no time of life excuses it. MY DH drew a line in the sand with me, and he needed to.

I talked with her brother and have sent him email with details and proof. He says he will enlist the help of the eldest sister also. My oldest daughter knows already. When I talked about child custody and her mother maybe getting to keep the house to raise them.(no fault state). She laughed and said, "No she won't. Not if they ask me about it." There is a strained relationship between her and her mother already. Anger issues. Sometimes I wonder why I am fighting so hard to get her back

Even though there is the strong possibility that my WW will be so angry and resentful that she will not forgive me and never come back, it feels good to be treating this as her problem rather than mine. It seems like it will make my getting over her much easier to know I did everything I could to save the marriage and to not feel like a victim.

Crap that was a hard call to make.

We have only a few friends in town that are not our children�s friend's parents. I want to spare embarrassment from our children so I will keep it to our few close friends that are not child related.

I am going to send the demands to be back in the relationship again. Already sent one last night. Is this suppose to come after her brother talks to her or right now.

You would need to keep the house and maintain primary custody of the children. I would irresponsible to leave your home and children in her care. I would stop scaring the girl with such scenarios and pledge to take care of her. Many fathers get the house and custody of the children.


I would tell anyone who is close to your families. Your children will not be embarrassed, your wife will. I would sure and tell the other children and encouurage them to speak to her.


I would wait until she contacts you and lets you know that her family has spoken to her. That will be a good time to lower the boom. Why not post your letter so we can give you feedback? In the ltter I would tell her she can't come back unless she ends all this behavior, becomes transparent and commits to the marriage. Is the brother going to speak to her mother and sisters? And will they speak to your wife?

I have assured my daughters that I will not leave them. They know this because 3 weeks ago I left for 2 nights when I was fed up. In the end I could not be away from my daughters and my home. I realized I was just punishing them and myself. When I returned, I told them this and assured them I would not leave again. The reaction on their faces absolutely confirmed in me that I will never leave them. I will reassure them both.

This is the a main part of my dilemma. There is no legal grounds I have to keep her out of the house unless I start the divorce papers. And even then it is tough and would require a court hearing. If she returns to the house, I can make her miserable, ie watch her every second in the house, tell her that she needs to stop now, until she either leaves, or files for divorce herself. OR I can file for divorce right then.

The brother says he will talk to my WW and to the older sister. I do not think it has happened yet. There is also a difficulty due to time difference. I will call him again as soon as the time zone is right. I am going to also send email to her sister, but I have the concern that my wife, because of the computer sharing, might intercept it. I intend to send it to the sister after her brother starts talking, so that she is fully in the loop.

I asked, but they will not include the mom, because she is 80 years old and having health issues.

This email was sent to her 2/5 evening before contacting her brother.

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Maybe you have already told me your answer, so why am I asking again.

I cannot be in a marriage when you are with other men. This is what it will take to recover the marriage. Otherwise our marriage has to end:

1. End all contact with all online men and your past boyfriend. Become completely transparent until trust can be built again.

2. Be completely honest about all that has happened with regard to the past affairs.

3. Work with me to build our marriage and work through these problems.

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This is what I intend to send next. Should it be before or after her brother talks to her?

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I love you dearly and as your husband I will fight for you until there is nothing left to fight for. You are worth it, our relationship is worth it and our children are worth it. I hope you can see how much I must love you to fight this hard to make our relationship work.

To save our relationship, I am certain that if we do not become completely honest with each other, it will not work. As I wrote to you before, committing to the following is the only way I know for us to save our relationship. It is best if you do not return home until you can commit to the following 100%. I really do want you back, but if there are other men involved or even the possibility of other men, it will not work.

1. End all contact with all online men and your past boyfriend. Become completely transparent until trust can be built again. This would include relinquishing your notebook.

2. Be completely honest about all that has happened with regard to the past affairs.

3. Work with me to build our marriage to be a romantic and loving relationship. I understand that we will both have things to work on

But you don't need legal grounds to change your locks. I would change your locks and let her know she cannot come back unless and until she ends all her affairs, becomes transparent, and never uses the computer again. You can force her to get a court order to get back in, and even then she might not be successful if you file for separation.


Unless she has dementia or alzheimers, I would ask them to include her. She can be very influential over her daughter.

I would wait until after. And when you send it also tell her that your children and close family and friends have been informed too. Tell her your DD's are very disappointed in her and are hoping that she straightens up.

Exposure in Taiwan is a failure. Brother explained that the family is too fragmented and each sibling has so many of their own problems that they cannot help. It is true. My wife has been in the US for 25 years. She visits home, but the closeness has faded. Anyway, I believe him because each of the siblings and the Mom have a boat load of their own problems. They are simply not close enough to each other to help. Not only that they know about WW anger issues. No one wants to light the match. No wonder why the little princess always expects to and gets her way.

So now what. Exposure in only the US is not going to pack the punch while she is in Taiwan. Especially because of our limitted number of friends. FYI: This is my lesson to younger couples. You need to keep your friends. Having limited number of friends in your 40's/50's causes marital problems.

At this point maybe a reset is best. Can someone bullet the Plan A and Plan B steps. I am waiting for my book, but do not have it yet. Thanks.