Umm...I cut out for lunch early after reading your post. Now you need to talk up dessert.

Darn! I didn't cook dessert because I cooked so much food I didn't bother.

Now I'm working long shifts this week and we're eating crap food (fast food, freezer pizza, going out late, cereal).

I think I'd like to have some pecan pie tonight.

I've been working a lot this week and hubby has really stepped up to the plate. He's cleaned the house, picked up dinner for us (he hasn't ever cooked, so I don't expect that), pulled up the slack at home and in our personal life for all the things I'm just not getting done with my schedule. I don't know what I would have done without him. After this week all my O/T can be from home, but this week I'm having to be at work for really long shifts.

I am so thankful for my husband and the while I've always loved him and enjoyed his company I've really come to treasure what we have and appreciate him more than I ever have. His help around the house this week has really made me see that when I need him I can count on him, no matter what it is I need.

Last night we went out and picked up wings for dinner and had leftover potatoes from Sunday night; when we got done with dinner I went to bed, but he was still up playing on the PC in the living room. I couldn't sleep without him, so I went back in the living room with my blanket and pillow and fell asleep with my head on his lap for a few hours until we went to bed.

I was hoping for SF last night, but for the first time in our relationship I was too tired. I still dressed up for him when I got home because I told him I would, but he wanted a raincheck for tonight. Not sure I'll be any less tired tonight, but I can always hope.

I'm so glad I found MB and so glad hubby and I have decided to go down this path. He's been reading Love & Respect and HNHN this week at home and is taking HNHN with him next week to finish.

It's been a while since I've updated my thread; I was hospitalized with food poisoning while I was on vacation, and that kind of took the wind out of my sails.

We're doing really well using the POJA for all our decisions, and suprisiginly, it's getting easier. (yes, yes, I know everyone says it gets easier, but I'm too hard headed to believe it until I've seen it for myself). There's been many times I've had to bite my tongue because I want to push him to do something or see something my way, and since I've quit we've been having better discussions and the decisions have been easier to make together. His AO have disappeared since I quit the DJs, too.

We joined a gym here in town. Physical Attraction is really important to him - I've lost 17lbs in a week being sick, and I'm slowly starting to work out and get back in shape. He's heavier now than he's ever been, and it doesn't bother me a bit, but does bother him, so we're both going to the gym. Not together because our schedules (I work out hard Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday mornings before work, and may or may not go the other 4 days, he'll work out in the day time Thursday and Friday, so we might go together on Saturday).

This week we didn't spend my UA because all I did was sleep - what few hours I was awake I spent with him and I think he kind of enjoyed me sleeping more than usual. Normally I'll lay down with him while he goes to sleep, then get up and do stuff for a few hours, or I'll be up way before him. This weekend I was in bed before him and up after him.

He's finished reading HNHN, we're still wanting to read it together, and plan to read some of it this weekend.

We've agreed to sit down and make out a financial plan for finishing our house and getting our debt paid off. He can plan things in his head and I can't do that, I need a written plan. This is a first for him, so I'm thrilled with this step.

I'm getting baptised next month into our church we've been attending, and I've been really thinking that I also want to make some different/other vows to hubby. We did the CL marriage because we needed to, and it wasn't real well planned. We made some promises to each other, but I want to take that a little further. And, between hubby and our Pastor I might end up in a white dress walking down the aisle before long. Whodathunk, 'cause I've always sworn I'd never do that!

I think I've done very well with my IB, too. I haven't bought anything without POJA'ing it in three weeks (or buying it out of 'my' money we agree on). That's a biggy for me. And, I've made a schedule for shopping, meals, etc... and stuck to it even when he's not home. I've always been kind of scattered, and he likes the schedule, it makes him feel better. And, he's chosen to grocery shop with me by scheduling it on days he's home, even though he hates to do it (and I spend a little bit more when he's with me because he buys junk food and I don't).

I think we're doing really well and I'm happy with our progress. We spent lots of time this weekend just cuddling with no SF because of me being sick and he starting to talk about long term plans again. We're picking out where we want to buy land and build a house in the area I'm working, we're taking classes together at the community college, he's reconnected with a few old high school buddies and their wives so we're going out with them for dinner as a couple, and we seem to really be doing well.

The company has decided not to change the seating because we're moving to a different floor anyhow. So, I had a talk with my seatmate and told him I felt like we were being too friendly and needed to have a strictly professional relationship. He's getting married next year and his fiance works in our company as well. And, we're handling that well, I do believe.

This is very encouraging. Great news!

Maybe you told us before....but do you know what your (and his) top 5 EN's are?

Alright, time to change your name from "hopeful" to "happy" and change your thread title from "I'm done" to "I'm bragging."



Jokes aside, excellent news. Seems like you guys are really hitting the nail on the head. Amazing isn't it?

This, dear woman, is awesome!

FWW and I had a very small ceremony - but it's not really about the glitz and glamor. At least, it wasn't for me. For me time stopped when she came down that aisle - and I was so overcome with emotion that I could hardly spit out my vows. I even made a raspberry trying to relax so I could speak.

It's a good move. A bold step in your new direction.

I had posted it before in the middle of one of my long ramblings -

His top needs are RC, H&O, DS, FS, and FC. With H&O and FC as the top two.

My top needs are SF, Affection, Conversation, FS, and DS, with SF and Affection top two.

I ain't bragging yet! We're not out of the woodwork, but we're heading the right direction.

Thanks!

We're talking about getting legally married later this year.

Even if we don't have a legal marriage ceremony I want to make some vows to him more than just what we've done. I think we'll have a legal marriage before next year is out, but time will tell.

I am so thankful everyday for the wonderful man I have in my life and the joy he brings me.

One of my biggest struggles is I'm a control freak and I want to control everything in my life - hubby included. I used to try to manipulate him with SD and DJ and since I'm not doing that the tension level in our house is so much less (kind of chicken and egg situation - I'm unhappy over is AO, but he's having them because I'm pushing his buttons). I've also learned to relax over other stuff - he likes to clean the kitty box a certain (different) way than I do. And, that's okay, because I don't have to clean the kitty box when he does. Even though I think it is waste of kitty litter, we're both paying for the kitty litter. That kind of little stuff has been somewhat of a struggle for me to let go of.

And, learning to cook has been a struggle (for both of us ) for me. I am not domestically inclined and live on pasta or bread and cheese, but he likes me to cook real (and somewhat elaborate) meals on the weekends. Everything I cook or bake I do from scratch and I have to be perfect, so I've had to let go of my perfectionism enough to buy some box mixes since he likes them (and I can't make Bernaise sauce to save my life, or gravy, or a few other things that come out of a box now in my house).

I know he's trying and struggling with things just like I am.

It was really sweet when I called him this morning for his wake up call he asked me what I was going to do - I told him sleep another two hours (I go to work 2:30 later than he does). He's always amazed that I'll wake up just to call him and wake him up, but I like for his voice to be the first thing I hear in the mornings and the last thing I hear at night - sometimes my roommate is the last person I talk to at night when he's out of town, but after I call him and tell him goodnight I very rarely call anyone else - sometimes my family on the west coast, but I try to make his calls the first thing and last thing in my day when he's gone.

This is a great habit! keep it up.

For the first time in years... since we were dating my husband and I spent time on the couch last night making out. He hasn't offered to do this in a long time and when I asked him for it he'd always kind of brush things off. Amazing. Really amazing.

And, the SF last night was amazing to top everything off.

Hubby and I read the first day of the Love Dare last night together. It's about Patience and being patient with your mate. I've committed to doing the Love Dare; he says we're not 'that bad' and I told him that no we aren't, but I want to take every opportunity I can to show him how I feel.

I'm a very lucky woman.

We have tried several times to have a "make out only" night... never works. Won't see me complaining, though!

Hubby can... I can't though.

Today is day 2 of the Love Dare for me - I'm supposed to do some random act of kindness for him - which is funny because we do lots of acts of kindness for each other.

We're going to an astronomy viewing tonight (he's really interested in astronomy). So, I dug out both my heavy ski suits - one for him, one for me. Gave him the heavier pair of boots (we wear the same size shoes), and packed all our scarves, gloves, and hats for 2 hours outside tonight in the teens. Made arrangements to buy some of the hot hands things for him as well. Then, after we get done we're going out to dinner for 'date night'.

My other book as at the Library today from the Harley's, but I can't remember which other one I had put on library loan.

Well, Hubby is gone for work until Wednesday or Thursday. We had a decent weekend, spent lots of time together, with one exception.

Saturday morning I asked for SF and he put it off because he wasn't in the mood. Which led to me crying - usually I can deal with it, but 1 out of 10 times I just can't. I want him to a level I can't turn it off - and that was one of those times. I had been patient the night before and not pushed after he said he wanted to go to bed, and I wasn't so much frustrated by the situation as hurt and there's still a little part of me that feels like he's rejecting *me* even though I know in my mind he's not. I told him all of this, we spent some time together, and eventually got up and went about our day.

So, last night in bed after all was said and done (and we'd had SF for my benefit, he didn't say it, but he didn't finish) we'd had a small financial crisis. We're okay moneywise, I've just got to cover some bills I don't usually. We talked about why this bothers him - because the man is supposed to be the provider and he doesn't want his family and our friends to know I'm paying 'his' bills. We talked more that our finances are between us and no one, except us and the bank knows who pays what and I told him I'd never talk to his mom or our friends about our finances. But, before we went to sleep I said something as a joke, that not only wasn't funny in the context of our day, but was without a doubt probably the most hurtful thing I have every said to anyone in my life. I apologized immeadiately, but I know it's still bothering him (and me for that matter, I can't believe I said what I did, and I didn't mean it in the way it came across, but I can't change that).

In church this morning he was not distant, but still hurt (can't blame him). I told him that I am satisfied with our life - SF, Finances, on all fronts - he's trying to please me, he's an incredible man, and there's not another man in the world I want. I know it'll take time for him to get over what I said, but I wish I could go back and undo it. I really do.

On a good note, the church voted to allow me to become a member and be baptized. He and I stood in front of the congregation today and were officially welcomed in by many of the members.

We talked a lot on the way up here about some of my AH (like turning off the TV when I come home from work) and my DH and IB. I'm doing much better, but still have miles to go. I want to be the best wife I can be for him.

He also told me Friday night that part of him wonders if I'm doing this to manipulate him into doing something or if I've really changed for good. I've made a mess of my life for sure. I told him I've changed for good and I'm workign to be the best wife I can be for him with no strings attached, no manipulation, ever again.

It's been a few weeks since I've updated, so...

We're still doing pretty well on most fronts. This weekend was rough because he didn't feel good and ended up in the ER for an allergic reaction Friday; he has a tendency to take his frustrations out on me, and I called him on it Friday. He also took his frustrations out on my roommate on Friday, which didn't go over at all well...

I have Lupus and have ended up in the ER and being treated for all sorts of things - heart problems, kindney problems, migraines, you name it, I've been seen. He'll admit that I have never taken my feeling bad out on him. He on the other hand, will readily admit he gets short tempered and ill when he's sick.

Added to the sickness issue, we had to put together some records for filing our taxes Saturday, that he neglected to send me. So, it was my fault I didn't have them ready. Even though he didn't send me the records I needed to do my part. He expected me to drop what I was doing and do his tax records.

He told me I was being too critical and sensitive when I asked him about it today. Yesterday on the way home (2 hour drive), I tried repeatedly to engage him in conversation and he ignored me most of the times or gave me grunts. He didn't want to listen to the radio, didn't want me to read, he wanted me to sit there, silent, and ignore him, or that's what it felt like. He didn't want any SF last night, he didn't want dinner, he just wanted to be unhappy over how the day went and blame me for it. I don't know how to deal with his attitude. I tried talking to him without engaging in any LB, but I might as well had a conversation with the cat, at least he might have answered!

Should I just not talk to him when he's like this? Or, try to engage him? I think when I get paid in 2 weeks I might invest in a session with Dr Harley.

I bought his Valentine's day gift today, and we're going to a cabin in the middle of nowhere in a national forest for 3 nights. Going to go sightseeing one day, and the other days we're just going to hang out and enjoy the time. No cell service, no internet... Should be a pretty good time.

My seat at work still hasn't gotten changed, now it's going to be March. I'm applying for a promotion which would entail a move to Florida, so it might not be an issue. He's enthusiastically supporting the promotion and the move, even though it's a job that puts *me* on the road with a three state territory. It's enough money that he can quit his job and go back to school, and in 3 - 5 years I could look for another job not traveling. I'm torn over taking this job because I know what traveling is doing to us, and I don't feel like it's a good move. It's good money and the area he wants to live in, though, and he really wants me to do it. If I don't take *this* job, then I can hope for a promotion in my area now (probably will happen this year) or I can look outside the company I'm working for now (and, I don't really like that prospect... I like the company I work for).

So... That's where we are, any thoughts on handling either the job or the bad attitude when things don't go his way?

Hopeful, it's been my experience that most men handle being sick or not feeling well MUCH worse than most women. It must be something in their social conditioning. I think they dislike the feeling of helplessness and don't know how to cope with it. As women we tend to be conditioned from birth to handle setbacks with patience...men not so much. My only advice is to NOT compare his reaction to going to the ER to yours, *especially* not to him! He already feels challenged to cope with the situation and this will probably make him feel like more of a failure. Try to use *positive* reinforcement as much as possible and focus on how you are affected. You could try something like, "You know, sometimes I feel hurt when I'm trying to help you and you get grumpy at me. But I know you were feeling miserable and I know you were trying very hard to be as pleasant as you could be, so I appreciate it." Telling you that you're "too critical" is a DJ, but I think what he really meant, if he could have said it is, "I already feel horrible, and I'm not emotionally prepared to deal with complaints at this time."

I think it's a reasonable assumption that he *was* making an effort to be as pleasant as he could. He probably felt like yelling and throwing things, so any step below that represents an effort. If he feels like his efforts are appreciated, he's much more likely to keep working at it and improving.

Hi HNC,

why would you apply for a job promotion which requires traveling when there is a prospect of getting promoted anyway and not be traveling?

$30,000 a year difference, a job I've always wanted (the traveling job) vs a job I am capable and would enjoy, but not really in my field. The job description for Florida sounds like it was written just for me. And, if I start down this path as a career, then I can get promoted and not have to travel... in a few years. Plus, he wants to live in Florida long term because we're sick of winter.

Clicker training!

When life doesn't go his way, he sulks, is rude to me, short tempered, and blames me. When he's sick and things don't go his way, it's even worse. When he's in one of his moods he'll ignore any attempts at conversation, not even respond in any way. I feel like that's completely unacceptable. And, then when he gets over it he is sorry for how he treated me, but I still get my feelings hurt. It feels like he's punishing me for his misfortunes, whatever they may be.