hssh, you will be part of the problem if you don't continue to check. If you don't continue to check you cannot rebuild trust and you cannot hold him accountable. Both of which will be a disaster to your marriage.

Has he agreed to end all contact with the OW? Will they still be working together?


You are being monitored by WHOM? You should stay in contact with the OWH until you are certain that all contact has ended. And the affairees need to know you are in touch and comparing notes DAILY. That will send them the message that they are being WATCHED LIKE A HAWK.

Now is not the time to walk away, hssh. You need to be even more vigilant and keep the infidels on strict notice. Let them know you are watching each and every move!

\

If you want to be part of the solution then you need to increase your vigilence and keep the affairees on notice.

Sorry to say that you have just begun. The next year or two (or more?) will be a rollercoaster of emotions that will take you from the highest highs to the lowest lows within hours some days. I am more than three years from my dday and was caught off guard when I was triggered by a video/song on youtube just yesterday... This is why it's so important for you to keep checking in and trying to keep on track with a plan rather than being led by your feelings.

I agree with Mel, this is a very critical period while you are trying to establish NC. Is your H still calling OW? Keep us updated. ((hssh))

My thought was to rise above it. And I meant not checking on here all day, not not checking on him. That I will do. Got a text from OWH saying they've been texting all afternoon. WH keeps going to bathroom more often than normal and staying longer than needed to do his business. Sometimes checking his phone while I'm standing right there. The phone never leaves his side, so I guess I will be getting up at night to check his phone while he sleeps now. I asked who he was texting as casually as possible and he said nobody. So disrespectful. I have made a conscious effort today to be nice and not kill him or take jabs at him, but he won't be honest with me at all. OW has her whole family over for Super Bowl and is texting WH in front of her family. They all know, but that doesn't seem to matter.

Sweeping the affair under the carpet is the same as enabling him. Your H needs to be confronted right now and told to take his affair conversations out of your house. Demand that he hand over his phone right now.

If you want to "rise above this" hssh, you need to stop sticking your head in the sand. It will not solve the problem. You are not "rising above" anything by sticking your head in the sand. You are avoiding conflict. And conflict avoiders don't make it.

I will be honest. You are not going to make it unless you start standing up for your marriage and stop sweeping it under the rug.

For you to sit there and allow your H to text his OW from your bathroom and you do NOTHING ABOUT IT is to ENABLE him. AT your own expense.

You should be getting your butt up and doing something about this NOW. Get that phone and put a stop to this.

I need proof that he's texting her before making the demand to hand over the phone. If he's talking to a friend and I throw a fit about it he'll flip out and we'll be one step further away from fixing things. I understand what you're saying, but attacking him without proof will only backfire. It would more beneficial to catch him in another lie with proof than to attack him and be wrong.

Rising above it does not mean ignoring it. I just have to go about it the right way.

You have your proof. The OWH called and told you he was doing this. If your H is not doing it, he can prove it by giving you the phone. What you are doing is ignoring the problem, which only serves to enable him.

He should be handing over the phone anyway. That is a sure fire way to hold him accountable. Don't enable him, hssh, by ignoring this.


This is not the right way. This is conflict avoidance and enabling, which will backfire on you, dear.

There is no point in getting intel from the OWH if you intend on ignoring it. This is legitimate evidence of continued contact that is being ignored. That is enabling, hssh.

It surprises me when I see people posting about their WSs contacting their OP right in the home. My H knew in no uncertain terms this was not going to happen here.

When you ask him who he is texting and he says, John...say, OK then show me. If he says, no, you can tell him that you have already been informed that by OWH that they are texting and this is unacceptable.

Have you told his parents that he is continuing to text OW right in the home? Did they ever contact him?

But, didn't OWH tell you that already?

OOH. You mean you need proof from your own husband. Think about it, scared - how will you get that proof?

By telling him to hand over his phone.

Tried checking his phone last night. It has a password. That didn't go so well. Overheard him talking in the garage last night to a friend and then OW about how vindictive I am and that he is just done. He said he wanted to be honest and no more lies, but he doesn't even know what the truth is anymore. I am prepared to tell the kids today why we are having trouble. He's going to lose his mind, but they have a right to know. I told him I can forgive the infidelity and we can move on and grow from this, but I cannot forgive him if he tears this family apart. Don't know if he cares or not.

I hear him say he doesn't know if he can forgive himself and that he doesn't think it can be repaired--that we will never be able to move on. The psychologist in me thinks that maybe he can't forgive himself for it, so he builds up these walls and excuses around him to protect himself from the pain of losing everything. Maybe it's right, I don't know. I don't think he knows.

Taking his phone away from him is the most direct way to get proof, but he'll just get better at erasing messages. It's a company phone so I can't access it without his knowledge like I could on our personal lines. And he'll be so pissed he'll use it as one more piece of ammo against me. I know that sounds like I'm putting my head in the sand. That's not my intention. My intention is to get the proof I need without pushing us further apart. I have to be the bigger person here.

Yes his parents know that he's doing all this. They know how disrespectful and horrible he's being. His friends have told him, his boss, parents, kids will be soon too. He was mad at me for exposing things and "dragging other people into our problems." He didn't seem to think adding another man's wife to the mix was the same thing. So I married a self-centered [censored] who doesn't know how to be a husband or a father.

OMG! They are going to Orlando together! She is a trainer and travels all over the country for work. She sent him this message: "Here is the hotel reservation for Orlando. We are going to have so much fun. Can't wait to see you. "
I'm going to be sick! WH reply was text when you can. I'm pretty sure he's not going to tell her can't go, but I don't know how he thinks he can. Unless he's also taking money from the company, he'll have no way to bankroll this little trip. And he hasn't said anything to work about taking time off. WHAT THE F%#$ IS GOING ON!?!?

Made copies of the email she sent him and sent it to OWH. WH says he's not going anywhere. We'll see if he comes home tonight. OWH says he'll fly there and confront them. WH is furious and afraid he's going to lose his job. I talked to his parents and they're going to be putting the pressure on him too. The kids will be told today when they get home from school. I will not go down without a fight.

Well done, hssh!

How old are your kids?

OK, I am thinking out loud...

You said that your WH's boss that you called and exposed to is also his friend. I wonder if you should send the official work exposure letter we have here that is CC'd to his higherups so that this can't get swept under the rug.

Next I am wondering if you should FB expose the OW and have OWH FB expose your H. These two are really brazen and the FB exposure has been very powerful.

You are really doing great. Hang in there.

I agree with a facebook expose particularly to the OW's friends and family. There are some wonderfully crafted words if you need a template. It is back to the OW leaving the home, what did she and your husband agree? An OW rarely leaves her family behind unless the OM is in waiting.

It was a trap. He had her send it to him so he could see if I was checking up on him. I have every right to, I know. But I will not put up with lies, deceit, and entrapment. Until she is out of the picture for good, there is no hope for us.

She is not leaving after all--they cannot afford to support their family without both incomes so she is moving into the other bedroom.

That's pretty weird, hssh. Is that what he told you? He could have sent an email to himself to see if you were checking up on him.

He told his friend yesterday that he was planning to do it. The friend told me after I sent out an APB about it. I can't put up with this. I will not be made a fool of. Why would he think I would not check it?

hssh, sorry you find yourself here.

Question? Is either WH or OW each other's supervisor or manager role? In that case if the A is going on then you need to contact Human Resources. They are conducting A on company time with company business phones and internet.

Can anyone post the letter to HR that she can use.

Because when this A blows up then the company can be liable for sexual harrassment.

They are playing games with their cells to see what they are getting away with. No contact means NO CONTACT.

They have not agreed to no contact. OWH and I have pushed it, but they will not let it go.