When you expose the affair, she will be furious. You can't let it bother you. Let her go off. Don't laugh [because she will rant, rave, threaten and say really silly things] don't fight and don't try to reason. Simply tell her you love her and will do what it takes to end her affair with OM.

DEMAND that she end her affair and agree to NEVER see the OM again. That means deleting her facebook page, changing her cell phone #, quitting the choir, quitting that church, sending the OM a no contact letter and making her life completely transparent.

Tell her that is what it will take to convince you to give her opportunity to forgive her and stay in this marriage. You would also want her to commit to a program of recovery that will help you build a romantic, happy for both. Otherwise this will lead to divorce. And if it gets that far [you need to paint this picture for her] you will be suing on grounds of adultery [if you are in a fault state] and having the OM subpeonaed into court to give testimony. You will be going for full posession of the house and primary custody of the kids. <-------it is important to paint a very ugly picture in order to burst her fantasy of an easy divorce where she replaces you with the OM.

Tell her you love her and want a happy future with her but this is what it will take. The OM has to go. All contact has to end for life. Nothing less.

I think a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) in the car on the days of their reherslas is best. Let her drive there of course. It will wrench your gut knowing what they really talk (or do) in that car. How well would you trust your daughter and some guy she parks with once a week. Well, this is your wife and some guy parked in a car, not much more I can say. People are people, and no one is the exception.

Let everyone in the choir know that WW and OM are having an affair and you need their help to keep them separate. You can't be everywhere all the time, and it seems like after rehersals is where their fantasy is the strongest.

Expose to their inner circles of friends that will have the most influence over their actions. I think this one will be struck down easily with the correct exposure.

You might want to snatch her phone before you do all this and forward some of her texts with him to your phone so you have this evidence.

I used a keylogger to get passwords to FB, and copied and pasted all of their messages into a word document. It had pictures and everything next to the dirty stuff they were saying.

I am a firm beleiver that you can not have a platonic frineship with a person of the opposite sex, especially when texting up to 2000 times a week or month.

This is an affair because it is a third person in your marriage ruining what the two of you previously had.

Wow does this ever sound familiar! Danno you are at a very critical point in your relationship and swift action MUST be taken. My FWW had two emotional affairs with friends. Both times I knew she was texting, sending FB messages and all that other crap but I too just chalked it up as part of their "friendship".

FWW got very angry when I asked her to stop. Instead of pushing it harder both times I backed off to try and keep peace in our marriage. That was a huge mistake. I later found out that both affairs had become physical.

Trust me, where there's smoke there's fire. Get on it now before it becomes a raging inferno that consumes your marraige.

Danno:

My wife had an identical texting story.....hundreds per week.....secretly calling him when she was away from me. She said they were only friends. He was married with kids and lived out of state. How could it be an affair?

Well, guess what? It was an EA and PA. Wake up! I'll bet the farm that your wife is sleeping with him. Sorry to break the news to you...

Thank you - you are right - I am rationalizing.

Starting Plan A.

And another thing, you may not have given her the perfect relationship, but it is absolutely not your fault that she is having an A.

Also, until this is exposed, your WW will take this underground until the ugly truth comes out. She will likely switch to instant messaging, and other forms of communication other than texting. This is what my wife did.

You must nuke the A with full exposure. It's not fun, but I believe you think your M is worth it. Do it!

Just so you know that your first step in plan a is expose

It sounds like his wife's phone is on his account.

Should he cancel it (cancel text messaging?) or would that just send her to an underground phone and lose him the opportunity to keep tabs on her?

I got the evidence and plan A went into effect. So far I've had to kill off the choir practice and the texting/phone calls have stopped. She shows me her Facebook messages but am not 100% they are not being hidden deleted.

Any advice on the facebook realm?

To whom did you expose?

FB should be closed.

Do you have a keylogger on that computer? I'd say shut down FB, but it takes about 5 seconds to get it back.

Expose after you put a GPS in the vehicle she drives.

For me, step one is OFTEN ~~~> "GPS".

That way, when she is driving over to discuss exposure with OM, you will discover where their meeting place is.

Alright.

It is no longer just an emotional affair. It has gone physical.

She says she is not sure she wants to be with me, not sure if she loves me as more than a friend.

Plan A went into effect about 3 weeks ago.

Today I find evidence of a chat on my computer that discusses the physical aspects of the affair. Not only did it break no contact but it escalated the level of the affair as they are 'in love with each other'

If I push now I sense I will push her away. But I have to push now - if I do not I will lose her anyway - right?

First of all .. Breathe Danno. Just keep breathing.

Then, DO NOT CONFRONT HER. You have been getting nowhere with that. Your wife is in an affair. Thought it was EA. It PA. I am so sorry.

Focus on making a plan. DO NOT CONFRONT HER.

Your plan, if you follow the MB vets can save your marriage if that's what you want. If not, you will be better prepared for the end. But this site is all about recovery and repair.

Make a plan

--Keep Snooping.
VAR, Flexispy on cell phone, desktop shark
Gather your evidence. Stay calm. Focus on your plan.
Your plan is exposure day and you must do it right. Follow the advice on this site. You are not ready. Too many questions.

--Take care of yourself
See your physician. Get medication. Sleeping pills and Xanax.
Do you have a personal therapist?

--Exposure
It will come in time when you are ready. This invloves telling everyone. Mom, Dad, sister, Other Man's family...

--Healing
This part sucks. What is missing that drives her to meet her ENs with another man. How can you build romantic love and win her back?

Breathe man. Get some sleep.

By "push" - do you mean exposure? If yes, then you are right - if you avoid exposure then you will lose her surely. She is actually already lost - she gives you the standard wayward babble ("not sure blah blah").

Are you ready to fight now? I sense that your Plan A didn't contain much stick.

Tell us about your Plan A Danno. Not much detail in your thread.

Who did you expose to? Your Target list? Is your evidence secure?

Evidence is secure.

My Plan A was to tell her parents, the church people, the close friends, about the affair.

My evidence was the emotional affair.

Tonight I told his dad about the affair.

I am afraid I have already confronted about the latest and she spent most of the night with him.

I feel like I am failing at this.