I just wanted to point out to you that he found your browsing history becasue he looked at the index.dat files on your PC .. it logs everything .. even if you "clean up" the pc of all browsing history. To stop that from happeneing .. get a little free program called CCleaner and run the cleaner on it .. it deletes index.dat and all forms of it (there is like 3 or 4 of them hidden in the PC) index.dat will be cleared but it begins to gather info again. You can never erase index.dat completely .. it always comes back .. but you an keep it clean with ccleaner at www.ccleaner.com

And use the free keylogger at www.desktopshark.com .. it will not alert the antivirus.

Sorry you are here ... but its the best place to be at times like this.

HOpe that helps you.

EDIT: also .. ccleaner will make your PC run MUCH faster ... just run the cleaner .. and the reg cleaner. When you run the REG cleaner .. make sure to run it several times until no more errors occur. When it asks to make a back up of your regisrty before it cleans ... just say no and carry on. No need to make a backup of the regfiles that are in error and your PC will run WAY faster.

WHAT?? If he doesn't work WTH can't HE go to the store to buy cereal?

I'm not sure why you want to save this either, to tell you the truth...you have no children and you are young enough to find someone who actually meets SOME of your needs.

How about telling him that it his responsibility to track his calorie needs and to make sure he is eating enough calories. It does not take cereal to accomplish that

KO,

Run to the local bookstore and buy "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them." It will be a real eye-opener for you. It is your husband.

Also realize, some marriages just aren't meant to be saved. Sometimes we fall in love with someone who turns out to be a big mistake. Run now. Don't waste anymore of your life!

NO DON'T WAIT UNTIL JUNE. Oh please, for YOU, you need to get into Plan B, ASAP. If you need 2 weeks, take 2 weeks.

DO NOT BELIEVE WHAT HE IS TRYING TO TELL YOU ARE HIS COMPLAINTS. Oh Honey, you have done more for your WH in 7 years than some W's do their WHOLE marriage. You have taken a lot of abuse and I think you would be served better if you got yourself into Plan B ASAP. 2 weeks should be plenty of time for you to get everything ready for Plan B.

Raquel,

I just read an online version of the book (it was missing a few pages for being free), and I'm shocked. I so shocked and so sad because this book explained my situation, every single thing in the book has happened. Every Single Thing. I don't even have kids and he has even used that situation against me with the darn cats. How stupid am I??? And I always believed what he said, I guess I still do. Is this something to see a counselor about or just forget it???

Scotland,

I have to read up on plan B more. 1 question, do I leave or tell him to leave? If I tell him to then I don't have to wait. If I have to leave then I need my next paycheck. Why did I get myself into this mess???

Ok so plan B is just a total separation, it doesn't matter who leaves? I think I read that right.

I can't believe how right on that book is. I've been dealing with this for 7 years, how will I think "right" again?

I'm so upset I don't know what else to say right now...

After a long night, I think I've come up with a bit of a plan.

I think that after work today I should go buy this book and have him read it. Then tell him that he can either - go to therapy and fix this like yesterday or we can go our seperate ways. I don't want to spend another minute like this. If he decides to go the therapy route, he'll have the 2 weeks until I get my paycheck to show some progress (is that too soon?), or I'm out anyways.

I don't know if I should bring up the texts and pictures I found at the same time or not? Does this sound like a good route to take?

KO, your not stupid! You were just fooled and in love so you didn't recognize the signs. And men like this - master manipulators! They know exactly how to spin things to make everything seem like your fault and like you are the crazy one.

However, you read the book, in its entirety, before you give it to him. He may read it, but most likely not. People like this are used to blaming everyone else for their mistakes and problems - nothing is their fault. There is no accountability.

I know it's easy for me to give advice - I am not in the situation you are in and don't have the emotions involved. But now it is time to put the emotions in check and think with the cold, logical brain (think Mr. Spock - use Vulcan logic). If you had a girlfriend or sister who was married to a man treating her the same way your husband treats you, what advice would you give them? Take your own advice!

He is abusive, emotionally. He won't work. He is probably cheating. Everything is your fault. He twists everything around on you. He does nothing - no housework or anything. This isn't the case where you two are a husband and wife who got married and after 15 years maybe things got stale, you weren't meeting each other's needs, he had an affair and was in the "Fog" and his personality changed from mid-life crisis. This is his personality - right now. It always has been his personality. That's very different from someone who may have been a good husband for number of years and then changed due to an affair or mid life crisis. For your husband, this is the norm. As a Christian, I have to believe that people can change because that is what scripture tells us. When someone is a basically decent person, but goes down the wrong path or makes bad choices, they can change and come back. They know what they're doing is wrong; guilt eats at them. It may take time, but eventually they will come back, for the most part. But I also believe that is really rare, especially when it's a personality disorder. But when their personality is warped - Narcissism, Bipolar, sociopath, etc. - most people will not change. Or they may change enough to manipulate or fool someone for a short time (keep the wife from leaving, get help from parents, etc.), but then they go back to their abusive, se3lf-centered ways. For someone like this to actually change, he/she would have to actually admit they are the problem. And that almost never happens. They don't think anything is wrong with them; it's all someone else's fault.

So, whatever is best, you leave or he leaves. Do not contact him at all! Surround yourself with positive people who love you. Once you are away from his abuse for a while you will see things much clearer.

I wish you all the best!

KO, I wouldn't even bother giving him the book. It will be a complete waste of your time and will actually be an LB for you when he dismisses it.

What you need to do is Plan A him for as short a time as you can, expose this ALL to EVERYONE you can think of, in a loving way(by this I mean, don't sound vindictive). Get everything ready for Plan B, meet with a lawyer, if possible, if not, research online to find out what you can legally do.

You will enter Plan B, and then you can look back at your marriage, and your life, and make the decisions that are right for you when you are removed from your current sitch.

Raquel,

Thank you for the encouragement! This morning I ordered a copy of the book off Amazon (it was not in stock at my local B&N). You're right I'm going to read the entire book first before letting him know I have it.

I know that he won't read it, but I'm still going to give it to him when I'm done. I already know exactly what he will say "I hate to read".

This is so difficult because I gave up so much for this relationship. I moved away from everyone I know (3,000 miles), I'm about to lose my job because of the move (I work from home but it isn't working out too well and the office is back home), I lived in a great house and now I'm in a tiny apartment, fought with my family, the list goes on.

The worst is not knowing what to do next. If I move out, where do I go? Do I try to make a life here or do I make the 3,000 mile trip back home alone? I'll need a job, where do I look for one, again here or home? Also, I know this is stupid of me but we have 1 car, it is mine (I pay for it and it is also in my mother's name), but how crappy will I feel for leaving someone without transportation to anywhere! I would hate to feel stranded.

I honestly don't think he will change so I am trying to prepare for this. He will look at the book and tell me I'm crazy and that he's not going to read it. At least this all finally makes sense, I'm actually happy in a way that I know now I'm not really crazy or worthless! It will take time to heal completely but I do feel a weight lifted off my shoulders.

I am so grateful that you suggested I read this!

Ummm, without a job, where does he NEED to travel TO? Take the car, because he would take it if this went the other way around.

Well, you could
A)Explain to him that you losing your job and that both of you need to go look for work.
B)If you do not want to work on this marriage, call your parents and explain to them that you want to come back home. Let them know you need a short time of support while you are securing a job and then a place to live.

You're absolutely right Scotland

Kilted,

I'm leaning more toward B right now. I know my parents would help me if I went back. Sad but my sister just moved in with them too for a divorce, not sure what happened with her though since she doesn't talk about it. Even though, they still have room for me if I need it, I'm sure.

Then go for it. He's a grown man who's capable of fending for himself.

Kilted,

I will have to repeat that to myself a few times

In my mind he'll be like a lost puppy, he hasn't fended for himself in... forever (moved right out of mom & dad's house and in with me). I know how to take care of myself thankfully and that's what I'll need to focus on as much as possible right now!