Ha! On d-day I was told it was because I "leave the kitchen cabinets open when I am cooking and don't close them immediately."

I was such an emotional wreck I started hysterically laughing/crying.

a heaven-like marriage.

1. End the affair now. Go totally no contact. Block her number and email.

2. Fix your Nice Guy self. Be a man who can stand up for himself

3. Confess your affair to your wife and the other husband

4. Get your wife on board with MB

I've been with a friend when he's gotten a call from his wife upset he's at happy hour and she's yelling so loudly that I could easily hear it over the noise in the bar.

I think everyone should go easier Spike's marriage history. It doesn't sound all that ridiculous to me.

Once you put the crackpipe (OW) down and go through withdrawal, you may start to see your W and your M differently. That is what happens to every wayward I have met here and IRL.

Really??? So a woman who cheats hasn't owned her choice if she gives a convoluted back story....but this man who has justified right and left just married a nut job.

Is adultery wrong or isn't it? Is there a justifiable reason to cheat or isn't there?

If my A was wrong.....then so was this.

Wow.

5 years ago, I was in a desperate stage in my marriage and I stumbled upon MB and read everything I could on the site and in the forums. Then things in my life got �Busy� and I dropped it. Things are a lot different now � the marriage is in the same condition, but I seem to care less emotionally, but my mind tells me that I have to do something to try to make things better. It seems like I have done everything else, so I am back here.

I think what I am looking for right now is some motivation to try to care again. Again, my intellect tells me I have to care.

I have read forum posts all evening, and I know that I definitely have to first read Fall in Love, Stay in Love, and then Lovebusters. But I am hoping that some of the insightful folks here can give me some additional guidance.

It is a long story, but I will try to be as brief and concise as I can (just finished and I was neiter). I guess folks will ask for additional information if it is needed.

My Wife and I are both 47. We have been married nearly 13 years. We married when we were 34. My first marriage, her 2nd.

I knew there were problems soon after asking her to marry me. She stopped being affectionate and always had excuses for not wanting to be intimate.

Shortly before the wedding, I told her that I had spoken to my father regarding a real estate question (he was a real estate/corporate law attorney). She berated me for involving my folks in our (my � we were not married yet) personal business. Additionally, she called me a momma�s boy. That seemed strange to me as I lived 5 hours from my folks, had moved out at 18 to join the USMC, graduated from college, learned my trade, started a business, and had never lived in my hometown since. Didn�t see that coming. I guess at the time I assumed she was having a bad day, but flags went off enough for me to discuss the subject with a close friend. I can�t remember what he said, but apparently I ignored it.

Within three months, she had threatened to leave me and was regularly telling me how much she hated me. This crushed me and I buckled down and tried to alleviate everything that she said bothered her.

From the honeymoon, when she was frequently too tired to have sex, I felt that she was trying to condition me to less and less sex. As I mentioned above, when I asked about it, there were always excuses.

She hated my folks: I stopped talking to then at home, they never were invited to visit, and we cut visits to them down to a bare minimum. No improvement.

She hated my friends: Cut them down to the bare minimum. Never in my home.

She hated her job: I suggested she quit. She did. No improvement.

She wanted kids: We have twins, boy and girl.

She hated where we lived: I built a bodacious house largely to her specifications.

By the end of the first year, we were largely not intimate. By that time, she had threatened to divorce me several times, told me she hated me regularly, and even compared me unfavorably to her X-Husband and old boyfriends regularly. She shamed me for trying to be intimate regularly (whenever I tried to be intimate). She would tell me that I was immature, and accused me of thinking that marriage was all about sex. We never had sex as frequently as once a week.

After each of these blowups, she would generally apologize after three days and tell me that she really loved me. After a while, I would no longer get too mad (usually) when she was �venting� and I would tell her that she would be taking it all back in three days, and I would just wait for then before I would participate in any further conversations on the subject (whatever she was berating me over).

We went to marriage counseling. That was a disaster from my perspective. The counselor told me privately that I would have to learn to live like this on her terms because she was not going to change.

After 5 years, I estimate there was a �Blowup� every other month. I defined a blowup as anytime she: Threatened to divorce me, told me she hated me, threatened to financially ruin me, or compared me unfavorably to an old boyfriend or husband.

At 7 years (when I was distraught and struggling to find anything to ease my pain � reading everything I could get my hands on from MB) we had had at least a few 1.5 year non intimate spells. I was searching for some way to at least ease my mind about it. I was totally heartbroken all the time. I told here that I understood that she was doing everything she could, but that I had to do something to fix me. If I was the problem, then fixing me would fix us. I spoke to friends about it and got all of the home remedies, etc.

I decided at some point to keep a journal of her behavior in an effort to try to correlate her behavior to some external stimulus, or at least have it all written down so I could analyze it and determine what the problem was. She had even gotten to the point of telling me that I was not mentally stable. I took that to my business partner (old and trusted friend). He assured me that I was not insane.

At about the 7 year mark her younger sister and my dad both got cancer. Her sister died in January of 07 and my Dad died in March. All of my plans and MB stuff had to stop as I was taking care of kids while she was taking care of her sister, and afterward, I had to spend some time with my dad before he died.

Then things got worse. Since she hated my folks and the area I grew up in, I visited my dying father and buried him without any assistance from her. She didn�t go with me for any of it � not even the disposal of his estate, which was a lot of work. My brother brought his wife and kids from Europe for over a month to assist with it (it was a mess and we could not leave it all to my mom and sister to deal with).

At the funeral, my HS sweetheart showed up with her folks. I had known her from grade school, and they were friends of the family. Seeing as I had not spoken to her in 20 years (folks and siblings had), it did not seem like such a big deal to me. In the course of catching up we talked about our marriages and how great hers was and how crappy mine was. She gave me a 5 step program sure to fix my marriage. After all, she said, I had to be reading things all wrong. I am a great guy, great looking, and any woman would be totally thrilled to be married to me.

So I went back home and did everything I could to make her love me. More house work, lots of time together, date nights, etc. Over the course of the summer we made love (awkward love) three times. But where things had been sanitary but stable for some time (no sex prior for nearly 2 years) they now got very contentious. She again became aggressive towards me frequently. She began to accuse me of trying to �F##k her every time I tried to do something nice for her. Most of the time, I really did not have any intention of initiating any intimacy (at least not immediately). I also noticed that she was very careful not to be undressed around me. She would get up early and change her clothes before I got up, or take showers when I was not around. This may have been going on all along, but I only noticed it after she started accusing me of sexual advances when actually, they were just simple acts of kindness.

On New Years Eve 2007, our neighbors were having a party. My wife did not want to go, and my son was being punished, but my daughter (6 at the time) wanted to go because other neighborhood kids were going to be there. So I took her. At 9:00, my son calls to tell me that it was time to go home. Of course, the wife put him up to it as she is �friends� with the neighbors and it would seem pretty S#!tty if she had called to put an end to the party for us. I didn�t take it too seriously, but told him we would be leaving soon. At 9:30 he called back and after I got on the phone, the wife speaks up and berates me and insists we come home immediately. So we did � after some fighting with the daughter that did not want to leave her friends for what she thought was no reason.

When I got home, she rushed the kids to bed and insisted I stay downstairs for a talking. During the conversation, she became as irate and nasty as I had ever seen her. She talked, and I listened. I also took notes so I could update the journal (she did not like this, but didn�t hold back a wit � even as I asked for clarification of some of the more outlandish accusations and facts she felt compelled to list to me. The following were her main points:

1. She hates me and always has.
2. All other men she had ever been with were upstanding and hot guys the likes of which I could never measure up to.
3. Whenever she had told me that she loved me, she was lying to avoid conflict to try to achieve some sort of peace.
4. From the beginning, whenever she appeared to be pleased physically by me she was faking.
5. She swore never to have sex with me again. (She had done that before, but I was always persistent enough to change her mind after a year or two.)

I never figured out what prompted this, but I was terribly hurt. Since I could not sleep and didn�t have anything that needed to be done the next day, I just left and went to my office to make the journal entry and review my data that had been collected for roughly the previous three years.

I concluded that my inklings about her physical dissatisfaction with me were correct from the beginning, and she was probably being truthful about what she had said. In fact the most consistent things she had ever told me were those that were said in the duress of her �Blowups�.

I concluded the following from all of my notes:
1. She found me socially acceptable from the time we met.
2. While physically attracted to the �Wild Boys�, she at 34 years of age had learned that they were no good for marriage.
3. She longed for the �Norman Rockwell� marriage to a church going man from a stable family and background.
4. With the biological clock ticking, I was just the ticket.
5. Not being terribly worldly, I was easier to fool than a more successful man of our age that had already been married and understood women better. He would be more likely to recognize the �faking�.
6. She probably figured that with time, she might learn to love me or at least enjoy the suburban lifestyle she figured I represented.
7. The pressures of reality probably did her in. She could not hold up the ruse with me constantly in the home with her, and the pressure that I put on her � and perhaps her own guilt when I was not pressuring her. In the end, the whole thing just made her so mad that she became impossible to live with. She began to hate me personally, and takes it out on everything that has anything to do with me � my family, where I am from, my business, my friends.

That was over three years ago. I seriously considered divorcing her then. But I was too busy to work through it, and did not want to do something rash. So I did something even more rash. I wrote to that old girlfriend and told her how well her plan worked out. That started an EA that soon developed into a PA, and has continued to this day. It has been over three years now for that affair.

So now, I have very little marriage (but it is actually better than it has ever been), I am in nearly constant personal torment about being an adulterer, and I am ruining another man�s marriage. Or I have ruined it. I am more miserable about that than my own marriage. At least my marriage has not suffered from this thing � it has improved.

Some other things I have learned or proven: Since that New Years Eve thing, I have not once even hinted at intimacy with my wife. I don�t go into the bathroom when I know she is showering or dressing. If I give her a hug, I do so when we are in public or the kids are around. If I give her a massage, I make sure the kids are there to help me with it, and never in the evening. She has not had a really bad episode since then.

There was a time when she complained constantly about my work and my business. This was before the New Years Eve episode. I told her that I would talk to my partner about giving him my shares and just becoming an employee. That way I could be home regularly for meals and I would not have to travel so much. She IMMEDIATELY called me off that. Said something like �well, wait a minute, I don�t think you should do something rash like that�.� The problem was that the salary and draws that go along with ownership would go away, and she likes the money.

So this past fall after she had once again threatened to financially ruin me again for the 70th time I seriously investigated divorce and attorneys. I bear her no malice, but I generally have my ducks in a row before I do anything. In repeated conversations regarding financial issues (things are not terrible, but with the economy, they are not what they were a few years ago) I finally told her that whatever we do financially, she has to consider how she will do if I am not around. It is something that every woman has to consider � men die � or leave after 13 years of abuse. I finally told her that I had been considering divorce and had investigated it. I assured her that in our state, there was a pretty cut and dry formula that could be fought, but in the end you spend a lot of money to arrive at the formula. The formula would likely support her well for a while, but eventually the support runs out and she has to find some way to support herself when it does. And the property is not worth what it used to be � no getting rich and retiring from that. She seemed crushed. She accused me of �blindsiding� her. I assured her that it was no �blindside�. I was honestly discussing it with her so she could be prepared.

In conversations since then, I have learned the following:
1. The only thing she hates more than me is work.
2. She will never willfully divorce me � even if she found out about the affair.

So where does this leave me now? I care for my wife. I liken it to a relationship with a quarrelsome older sister. Any of you that have older sisters know what I am talking about:
1. They don�t respect you. No matter what you do, they are always smarter and know better than you do. (Contrast this with younger sisters that idolize their older brothers.)
2. You don�t have sex with them. EVER. The thought never crosses my mind any more. It is a combination of conditioning over 13 years, her physical changes, and the fact that the old girlfriend is terribly hot.
3. You do love them, and enjoy their company in small doses. Often you even have very common interests and spend your time around these. Other places are off limits you will just argue for no reason.

So why am I posting here? If there is a way to have a marriage like the ones I read of here (some of them make me so jealous I just get pissed off) I want to try to find a way to that.

I know this affair has to end as it is poison to my soul and is killing me. I know it is also killing my lover although she never admits it. I have tried to discuss this with her � even tried to get her to read the MB articles � but she is addicted to this thing and cannot see past it or the damage it is doing to both of us. My conscience torments me constantly. Even when it is not emotionally attacking me, my mind knows what I am and I hate it. There was a peace when I just had a rotten marriage. Now there is no peace.

The infidelity articles and remedies here are so spot on it is unbelievable. If I were not having an affair, I might not believe how accurate they are. I seriously consider implementing Plan A on myself, but it seems insane. How can I send an NC letter to my lover and copy her husband and family (as well as my wife and her family) on it. The shock and shame factor would be lost as well.

Somehow, I don�t think any of them would believe it. They all know me (and her) too well (or I guess not well enough). And honestly, with the exception of my MIL, kids, and her husband, they would probably applaud the mutual destruction of our marriages and find sport in the novel way in which I did it. Her family always loved me, and my FIL has a pretty good idea of what I have been dealing with � my MIL is more hateful than my wife.

The other alternative is to just get caught by leaving clues and then point my wife to MB and beg her not to implement Plan A. Anything but Plan A. The fact is that she would probably just yell at me, call me a hypocrite, threaten to REALLY cut off sex, and force me to stop seeing her. She would probably not tell anyone for her own personal shame in it (having a cheating husband). And I would eventually tell her that I had stopped, but I would be lying. Nothing would change.

I truly want to stop the affair and can probably do it. But the thing I cannot seem to bring myself to is wanting to fix my marriage. I have forgiven my wife for all of the crap (so long as I don�t dwell on the past like I did in this post). But, how do I want to try to make things better. Can I ever really enjoy being with her when I know how she feels about me? Can her feelings for me really change? How do I know if they have? Do I retire and put her on strict austerity measures (she would hate that, and if it got so bad that she would rather work, she would be gone).

I have 9 year old twins that love our family. They love everything about it. My daughter cries when I go out of town on business because she won�t get her snugs for a week. She drew a picture of our family on my white board in the office. I have to do something to fix all of this.

Any critique and suggestions are welcome. I am going to buy the books and start reading.

That has made the whole "Ending it" thing nearly impossible. I sense that I will have to have her husband's help with it. That is a very unsavory possibility.

Ask H1 if so, I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that's why H1 divorced NJW, nut job wife.

One of the problems I have had with ending the affair is that the other woman is an old friend. Her Aunt and Unkle are the only ones that know of this thing. When I learned that she had told them (out of personal dispare and guilt I suppose) I immediately thought that she/they would become agents working to extract her from this destructive cycle. That did not happen.