Thanks Melody, I can use all the reinforcement I can get right now.

Do you think my exposure letters are adequate? How long is a reasonable amount of time to wait before I follow up, send more letters, etc.

Also, my WW & I are both reading SAA. I am fairly certain she has made it far enough along to get to NC for life. If she happens to connect the dots and put up a reasonable defense at work, do I have any recourse? Just Plan A or something else.

Oh no, she doesn't "get" NC at all. You won't be safe until she leaves that job. Trust us on this!! I have never seen a marriage recover where the affairees still worked together, but I can point to countless affairs that resumed because they skipped this step.

Can you imagine how you will feel if she goes to work every day with the OM? Are you telling me that YOU could recover that way?

Oh I know exactly what you mean. I know this isn't to be vengeful, this is to expose. But I am angry and I am going to rip her head out her [censored] whether she wants it or not. I just worry that my measures may not be adequate. The waiting game is killing me right now.

But, dbaggins, there IS no NC in place, so you can't assume that for a minute. She's still in contact with him!

She'll begin to 'get' NC when she goes NC. And that still shouldn't lead you to believe that the A is over.

As long as she has access to her OM at work everyday your efforts will be in vain.

If it were as easy as having the BS 'rip' their wayward's head out of their nether regions we wouldn't need this website.

I was meaning "ripping" in this case by exposure at work. Which I both hope leads to their dismissals. Jobs can be replaced, lives cannot be so easily repaired.

I guess my real concern is this: I have sent the letters, I realize that the workplace may take some time to validate the claims. Or the workplace, despite my CC'ing and sending multiple letters may choose to not act. In the meantime I am left sitting and waiting for the bomb to drop (or not). I want that bomb to drop so it will be over with. How long do you vets feel I should wait to follow up with the employer?

Also, do you feel if I have the OMW write a similar exposure letter that it will help? or we co-sign it? I fear that if I suggest it, however, if she does not go along, gets cold feet, etc. that it may all be revealed to WW and OMH before it takes them by surprise.

I'd give it up to two weeks before you hear anything. They may be consulting with their corporate attorneys and arranging for an outside consultant in sexual harassment to come in to interview the affairees.

Sit back and let this work for a bit before you do anything else.

Hahahahah. I am sure I don't have to tell you how this is going to eat at my stomach lining. I do thank you for your advice though, it soothes my anxiety. Please feel free to do so every 15 minutes or so over the next few months, thanks. =)

Any suggestions for coping with this in the meantime? I continue to get more information from the the OMW. Including that my WW does not give me the whole story on their conversations, such as when I asked her to quit her job and she ran to him to tell him about it. Or that they both workout together on their lunches in the workout room. Granted, they can't be making out or anything in there, but still.

As you all are saying, and I believe, they have no intention of stopping the A, and are likely still actively involved in it. The mere thought of this makes my skin crawl, blood boil, eats me inside. I don't know if I can allow myself to be taken advantage of and made a fool of in this way much longer.

You are in Plan A right? When in Plan A, although it is hard as heck to do, you must understand that the A continues.

You have read the carrot and stick of Plan A thread right? You need to use BOTH the carrot and the stick to ensure that you will NOT be in a Plan Doormat, which is NOT where you would want to be.

Are you taking care of yourself? Do you workout? How about listening to LOUD music and screaming the lyrics? Doing something to physically get the frustration out would be beneficial to your state of mind and your ability to continue your Plan A until it is time to transition to Plan B.

Do you need any help with what to do in Plan A? What ENs did you meet today? What LBs have you been working on correcting?

I was told, while I was in Plan A, that Plan B was harder and recovery is harder still. Are you ready for it?

dbaggins, wait a couple of days and THEN talk to the OMW to see if she will write a letter too. By then, you will WANT them to find out about your exposure.

In the meantime, I would be a broken record with your wife and tell her every day you won't be living in a situation where she sees this loser every day. It is profoundly disrespectful to you and you cannot recover in such an abusive situation.

Confront your wife about this TONIGHT. Show up at work tomorrow during their lunch hour and join the workout. I assure you they ARE making out at work. If there are closets, parking garages, nearby hotels, I assure you the affair is still on. We have had affairs that took place ENTIRELY in the workplace.


Yes, the affair is still in full swing. I am sorry. This is why she can't work there.

I guess I am in Plan A, I need to fully commit and do some of the things I haven't yet, such as identifying LB's and EN's. I have done some work on this, as a natural course. Such as letting my resentment of her prior to the A drive my actions. For one, I had an annoying behavior of using chewing tobacco that I was primarily motivated to NOT quit because she didn't like it, but I haven't for almost 3 weeks now. I need to do more work there.

I do workout, I have resumed some morning workouts at the gym that I gave up years ago and listen to loud music while doing that. It is a stress reliever. I have also pampered myself: new cell phone, ipod, shoes, clothes, etc. Which really does help, I admit.

Now the big news is that her employer confronted her yesterday about my letters. She was understandably unhappy when she got home. It was actually from the grocery store and she did pick me up something that I emailed her about later in the day, don't know if that means anything. She confronted me about it a little bit, and I told her that I didn't do this out of revenge, that I loved her, that I felt this was best for our marriage, and that these consequences are a result of her actions not mine.

She then proceeded to drive off to a local bar for the evening and have dinner there. I called her shortly after she left, just to make sure whatever she was doing that she was going to be safe. I heard some background noise that made me freak a little bit, like maybe it was a walkie talkie so I drove down to the police department to check. I have never been violent in any way, so just to put that out there. Which she wasn't there and I just happened to see the car at the bar on the way home. I later stopped down at the bar just to make sure she wasn't sloshed then left when I was satisfied she was sober. She returned home and we went to bed without speaking. We did say good morning and a few words about our son this morning before she left early.

My problem now is I am a soother, and I want to make her feel better about her current predicament. Yes, I know, she made her own bed,etc. I am just fighting my nature to want to make the woman I, for some reason still love, feel better.

Suggestions on how to play this in the short term? I know not to apologize, let her accept the consequences, etc. I just don't want to {expletive deleted} this up.

You're doing well, dw. Don't stop now.

She needs to feel the heat of exposure for it to work. Don't shield her from it. Keep going with being the best person YOU can be. You'll be looking pretty good while she's dealing with the negative fallout at work. She needs to own her actions.

I did forget to mention she asked me if I had any help in writing the letter. I told her I did it on my own, but I think she was thinking I may have lawyered up and got that manner of help in writing it. I don't want her to think I am speaking to a lawyer, do I? I haven't, I did schedule an appointment right after d-day then canceled it.

Its time to raise the ante and get serious. The fact that you didn't object to her going out to the bar signals that you don't care very much. She needs to hear your objections. That was very disrespectful of her because going to bars is marriage wrecking behavior. She engages in marriage wrecking behavior by going to see her OM at work every day and then comes home and engages in more. So if you appear to be going along with marriage wrecking behavior, it reflects a complacency and lack of caring.

Set her down and explain to her that you will not remain in a loveless marriage where she carries on her affair and goes out to bars without you. You choose to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you are not willing to settle for less. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OM by leaving that job

2. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

3. no more opposite sex friendships

4. complete honesty about her affair � passing a polygraph

5. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage

6. no more evenings apart

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Otherwise this is headed to divorce and you need to start thinking of finding of another place to live. See, in her fogged out mind, she doesn't believe you will do anything to stop her so she can't imagine a scenario where she would actually have to give up her boyfriend. She fully believes she is entitled to BOTH of you and intends on maintaining that status quo.

I would paint a very ugly divorce picture to her, telling her if this marriage wrecking behavior doesn't stop, you will be filing on grounds of adultery and going for primary custody of the children and possession of the house. If that happens, the OM and his wife will be subpoenaed into court to give testimony about her affair. In the discovery process, her cell phone records and emails relating to her affair will be subpeonaed.

I know that sounds severe, but this is the only thing is going to get through the fog right now. Thoughtful requests are going to get you absolutely nowhere, as you have already discovered. It is important to keep the heat up.

Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on your her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

Also, do you have a GPS on her car? I would get one of those today and slip in there if you can. They sell them at Best Buy [Little Buddy GPS - $50] I would also call the OMW today and compare notes to see if they met last night and to see if she would also keep the heat up on her end.

Well I am confident that my WW & OM did not meet last night. My WW was only gone around an hour and it would take almost that long for the OM to get down to her where she was. Also, my WW didn't know I knew where she was when I showed up there and she was alone.

I do not have a GPS, I should be able to do that though. I may have to break down and get 2 because we often swap vehicles as she has a rural drive and uses the 4wd vehicle on bad weather days. Otherwise I will have to swap the tracker and there will wind up with days I am tracking myself.

We also emailed back and forth a couple times today. I did state that the path we started on after d-day was not acceptable, and that items 1-6 need to be included moving forward. At this point I have left out the divorce part, I don't know that I can really represent that at this point. I need to steel myself to that, I need to go see a lawyer soon anyway I think. I need to get myself protected for the worst.

The WW & I had a talk last night. It is funny how much of the fogbabble coming from her mouth is right from this site. She was initially still furious over her recent exposure at work. The lawyers are still reviewing the case, apparently the term "sexual harassment" was very catchy to all reader of the exposure letters. I explained to her that her fence sitting, refusal to accept any responsibility, refusal to make any changes while simply accepting the changes I am making to improve myself are required for her, were no longer acceptable to me. That I am not happy to just sit back while she has her cake and eats it too. That I want us to work together to rebuild our marriage, but that I can not do it alone and certainly not while she sits on the fence.

WW responds that she is confused, that I am only hearing what I want to hear, that she doesn't know what she wants, and that she just needs space, blah, blah, blah. She also said she thought we needed a seperation. To which I responded, that would only serve to drive us so far apart as to never to return, that this was my house, my bed, my son's home and I had no intention of leaving any of it. Apparently I quite called her bluff on that because only 2 hours later she was ok with us living together again.

I have decided that I am going hardcore Plan A now. As I believe the main goal(s) are to show her what she is missing and to put myself in a good position to be healthy and happy moving forward if she doesn't choose to change. I am unsure if I have a preference at this point, really.

Anyone know how to crack a tracphone? I am reading the only way to get records is to request a hardcopy, and I am not seeing a flexispy offered for the type of phone WW has.

One more thing, I may have lost a critical ally with the employer exposure in the OMW. She no likely me no more I think. She can thank me later, though.

dbaggins - I'm not a vet, but it sounds like you did a good job with her last night. Maybe some of the things got through the fog. My WW just capitulated when I told her that I wasn't leaving the house and that DS wouldn't be leaving either. She's planning to leave and not backing down from that stance one iota.

I think doing a hard core plan A is an awesome idea. Regardless of what happens, you have to keep moving forward for yourself. You have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror down the road and accept the decisions you are making now. I don't recall if you have any children, but if you do, you also have to be able to look them in the face some time in the future and answer some tough questions. That was a clincher for me, I can't tell my DS to have courage, honor and integrity if I don't have them myself. That's why exposure had to be done, if for no other reason.

WW and I will both have to live with what we do (and have done) for the rest of our lives. Right now, my conscience is clear, even though I deeply hurt the woman I love more than any other in this world.

Thanks Andy, and I hope you're right that I handled myself well. My own "fog" of sorts is starting to lift and I am settling in to a sort of peaceful determination. I do have my own DS as well, 2 yrs old, so sometimes the "darling" part comes into question, lol. He has been my haven, though, from all this whenever I have needed it and maybe someday when he is much older I can explain to him how much he helped his old man by just being himself.