Hey Fred. Do you have that website. I believe in past thposts of your you mentioned that you lived in the northern VA area. So do I and i would love to check that place out. Even though I'm not currently seeing anyone the ballroom dancing thing has been on my bucket list and I could use an activity that will keep me busy.

Your doing well on the dating thing. Putting yourself out there but still keeping your head on your shoulders and feet on the ground. Awesome!

Lookin4Serentiy, I hope this doesn't violate the TOS:

http://www.glenechopark.org/dancing.htm

You might just ask her how she'd feel about your attending, tell her you've been thinking about it.

My neighbor "showed up" at my Christmas performance at church, and I felt weird about it, kind of like stalking sort of a feeling, but then he watches when my car goes by and calls the second I get in and drops in on me, etc. etc. (and he's engaged) so I finally had to have a talk with him about it. He was cool at first but seems to have adjusted to the boundaries I gave him.

Your situation is different, but all the same, I think by asking her how she'd feel about it, it shows more respect for her.

I think you're absolutely correct, KC. I like the approach you suggest, too. "How would you feel about...?"

So for my 25 year marriage I should have taken 5 years to recover? I agree it takes a long time for the triggers to stop and the memories to fade of both good and bad times....but no way I am putting my life on hold for THAT to happen. I think if you can be honest with any potential mate/date about where you are in recovery there is no reason you have to be alone as you travel that path.

Why don't you just go and see if you like the dancing, and let her watch you be yourself. It is entirely possible she is introducing you into a group of mature adults that have no expectations of one another.

Maybe she wants to see how you are with people also Fredo. Maybe she is one of those people who can go out and socialize and still has great boundaries. Maybe she is looking to see if you can be sponatneuos and still respectful of others.

There are tons of maybes my friend. Just remember who you are, and you have nerves of steel. "Bond..Fred Bond"..

You just be you Fred, and it will happen if its right.


Yeah go out and dance man! If I can get my legs fixed so I can I will someday too. There was this guy who invited me to go to a spanish dance club a few years ago that he was part owner of, but at the time, 2003, my wife was still at large and i was just surviving for the kids. I was not up to it.

I want dance lessons, wanna get back in judo,(I was pretty limber and made it through the workout for an old diabetic with three bum limbs lol back in 2003, flips, rolls and all,lol). Gotta start swimming again, nautilus machines, use my exercise bike, yoga, all that.

You the Man Fredo

I have though about the recovery time also. Since it relates to a form of death, I have also thought about the "7 years of mourning" thing.

I've heard that every 7 years your body has gone a complete cycle of replacing all of its cells also.

A long time ago, I heard that if you have a problem that had taken 10 years to develop, it would take 10 years to eradicate it also. Phycologically speaking with therapy.


It seem to me that 7 years is not a long time really to wait if your life is full otherwise. It will be a welcome blessing to be truly ready if I ever pursue another relationship seriuosly. I will do what I can to find my ENs fufilled outside marriage anyways, and find out what they really are also.

Friends, work, and enjoying life while attending to my children and thier continued growth are my priorities now. Without that base to work from, I would have nothing to offer anyways. I wanna be my own best friend first, before I try to take on another woman and be Hers.

So 7 years seems right to me. 1 years for every bad 5 years of marriage? Well I think that would depend on how bad it was, and personal recovery efforts, to many variables.. Guess your ready when your ready, and it different for everybody. Im in no rush. But you are right about honesty, people can help you heal.

I second this. You could let her know that you're interested in trying it out to see if you like it. Maybe you could ask her what's a good way to get started? And I don't know that I'd just show up if she's working there at the time. Maybe if things continue with you guys, you could surprise her like that.





WOOT!

Thanks, folks. I think kaycstamper had the best approach.

Talking with her and asking her how she'd feel about me showing up at the dance hall lets her know that I'm not stalking her. It also gives her the opportunity to suggest that we go together. If she doesn't, then I'll just go by myself.

Interesting thing about my mom and step dad. He was only widowed (45 year marriage) for about 6 months when he began corresponding with my mom (whom he had known as a friend of his and is late wife for 30 years). They were married before his one year widowhood anniversary. His daughter, also of course a friend of the family, told my mom before the wedding, 'Well, you have to know Dad still can't say mom's name without crying.' Mom said to her, 'well, I know he is still hurting. But,there is no reason he has to be alone while he hurts.'



I agree about the variables. Part of the reason I was able to move on so quickly, is because I had known for YEARS my now XH was a liar, probably a cheater and most definitely checked out of the marriage emotionally. I didn't have some false sense of security with him.

I Agree with this, but don't rule out the dancing is all I'm saying Fredo. If you are not as interested in dancing as you are her, then maybe thats the best approach. Either way, just be you.

Thats very sweet.


Yep I can see that is very true SW. Being allready grounded helps us to move on. I don't blame my being alone on my wifes problems or what she did to me, I would have to blame that on myself. My Therapist gets mad at me when I say I don't have anything to offer, she says I do. I don't want to rely on anyone for emotional security, and if I get into a relationship, this would bug me.

See I know I am not ready, to many other things to do first, and that is clearly my problem, never again gonna rush that one, or ask someone else to help me with things i am responsible for.

I guess its a pride thing, IDK like I said, with time and work and friends I will work it out, I am happy with what I have, and will go get what I need.

Fredo is a champ IMO, got a career, good health, and on top of things. I need to get those too in order to feel good about myself. I am not fooling myself either, only I can do it. Its cool, its just a stage

Thanks for the link Fred

I think the 1 year for 5 is just a general rule of thumb. Everyone adjusts differently...there are a lot of factors...how long you were together, how intertwined or independent you were in the marriage, how resilient you are, how much effort you've put into your recovery (not recovery of marriage but you as a person), counseling, books, etc., it all helps.

Personally I've had a harder time getting over my fiance than I did my XH. But then it was only a two year marriage, we never lived together, and he showed his slime colors to a fault! (whereas my fiance was a nice person and I enjoyed his company)

I don't think it's a good idea to go directly from one person to the next, I think it's good to have time for healing and if you have any baggage leftover, it's good to deal with that too...no one else wants it. But I don't think anyone should feel they have to wait for YEARS to date if they feel ready and want to. Some of us have been through so much we just don't WANT to date. Maybe someday that will change...right now I'm busy anyway.

Dang Kays not available. Ok off to facebook

Seriously though Kay, don't you find friends more important than anything? I do, and I agree with everything you said.

I also agree with SW that people can help others heal, and sometimes long time friends are so already aquainted we can dovetail into a close relationship with support.

It truly is individual huh?

And now you know why the PM ability has been disabled on this site.

Hee hee that is so true Fred, but in these situations with two single people don't you wish there was an exception?

Lol....



I agree too. I think God uses us to help each other. I also find it interesting that most of our wounds are from our relationships, and most of our healing is through relationships as well.

I'd much rather be with someone who is supportive and giving, than someone who thinks you should heal completely on your own. ESPECIALLY if they are the ones that hurt you.

I do. Maybe if we could send a copy of the divorce decrees to Dr. Harley he'd give us private messaging. One can wish.

Sorry, I was busy on FB. (just kidding) No, I was stuck in traffic and you guys were the furthest thing from my mind! You guys are too funny.
Hey, I could send the Harley's THREE divorce decrees, that should REALLY earn me some IM privileges! Ha ha

I agree about friends being the most important thing (since I can't have my late husband back) but unfortunately all but one of my friends has moved away. It's hard to make new ones, when you start from scratch it takes so long, but I'm expending the effort. There's nothing like old friends who have a history with you and know you real well, and you them.
I have another friend that I email with every day, have for years, yet we've never met face to face...she is one of my dearest friends, we pour our hearts out to each other, we joke with each other, we admonish each other, we have been through thick and thin together, yet some people say that doesn't count as a friend because we have yet to meet face to face. I think we definitely will someday, we're just waiting for one of us to win the lottery.