In short, my wife and I have been married for 6yrs and have one child. My wife had an affair about a year and a half ago. He was married as well and ended the affair about 4 months ago. My wife promised to try and give us another chance, but I have found out recently that she has started up another affair.

While this is going on, she still talks about things in our mutual future as if she has mentally committed to us being together. Things like where we are going for Christmas next year, having a family portrait taken, and doing projects around the home so we can have cocktail parties this summer. I am so confused about her mind-set.

Right now, we are sleeping in different bedrooms and I know the affair is in high gear. Its the mixed signals I am getting from her and the commitment I made to never disrupt our 5 year old daughters happy life that I let this go on. Instead, I am trying to follow the advise of Dr. Harley to compete during this time rather than fight since obviously my wife is in a mind-set that makes no sense to anyone.

I have fallen off this course a few times, but get back on. it has been about a month or so since I led on that I know about this second affair. I know, I know - many will say give up. However, there is something inside her that is worth fighting for and since my daughter is not suffering even the slightest, I have chose to try and turn this around myself as Dr. Harley indicates it is possible.

My question to those who believe my family can be saved is what strategies do you feel increase the chances of success? Also, do I indicate to her that I know what is going on behind my back as it happens to eliminate the secrecy effect that could be making this affair that more exciting to her? They are at the stage of telling that they love one another, which I understand is not that uncommon as they are in that infatuation state where the affair is somewhat new (3 months).

Normally, I would not go to such sacrifices but with the mixed signals, the love of my daughter, and the fact my wife is still very much an indecisive type person (no matter how important the matter is) - I feel I need to give this the best chance to succeed for my families sake.

Any advice give is greatly appreciated.

1. Click notify and move this to the Surviving and Affair form - you'll get more help there.

2. Does the first Other Man's Wife (OMW) know about his affair with your wife? The affair is ended, did she send him a No Contact (NC) letter?

3. EXPOSURE is the most surefire tool in your toolbox for ending this affair. Has her first affair been exposed BY YOU? and to whom? Has this second affair been exposed?
-Dr. Harley advises letting your children know as well. That choice is up to you but he speaks strongly for it.

4. Were these affairs physical? Are you having sex with your wife? If so, have you been screened for STDs?

5. A woman will NOT respect a man who she can walk all over, and that is EXACTLY what she has been doing with these affairs. You need to stand up to her! Expose, let her know you will fight for your family, even if the enemy is her. Demand that she end her second affair, and write a NC letter to this second OM. Steel your spine, you got the fight of your life coming. Remember one thing above all others:

Her Anger is NOT your enemy, it is not a sign of failure. Her continued ADULTERY is your enemy. Fight it.

Welcome to MB.

I just notified the moderator. Thanks for the information.

The OMW and I found out at the same time. He decided to reconcile with his wife and there was an obvious and unwritten NC. They have not spoke since October.

The second has been talked about but not in great depth. She knows I know she is spending time with this new person. I won't expose this to our daughter as she is too young for this type of information and I want her to enjoy her life without this pain.
My wifes mother and sister now know and have spoken out about it, which caused a great depressive state with my wife.

Yes, they were/are physical. I have ceased any intimate contact with my wife since the first one was revealed.

I can tell you that I have been passionate about my stance on this and have fought many battles on this subject. However, my wife is very confrontational as well and that is where I kind of get confused with Dr. Harley's direction as I do not want to take away from the bank by having our conversations unpleasant. However, ever discussion I try to have - she starts crying and becomes irrational. It is obvious she is embarrassed about what she is doing and can not talk about it rationally without breaking down. So, I try to avoid those conversations since I don't want to subtract from my love bank.

She still tries to hide her encounters to me even though she knows I know. I can assure you, she does not feel I am letting her off the hook. She just can't face the discussion.

Also, I am on the verge of exposing this to her whole family and not just her sister and mother. Everyone. However, her sister is expecting and having a baby shower within the next few weeks. I want to be respectful and not cloud her happy time with bad news within the family. Does everyone agree???

I believe that family values should be enforced. What example do you want to set: Expose the sin. You be the champion for your own family.

Your wife requires to be drawn away from her fantasy relationships, let the whole family be aware of your circumstances.

Right now her sister has a potential traiter in the baby shower.

I agree, but she has been in my corner since the beginning. I would just feel so awful in my timing. When everyone gathers for her shower, I would hate for anything unpleasant steal even a moment of the day. I'll consider it, but it will be hard.

Does anyone else have additional suggestions from my original post or advice? It is greatly appreciated....

Expose far and wide...

Both sides of family/friends
Om family/gf/or wife
Coworkers
Neighbors
Etc...

Exposure thrives on secrecy

lliam1,

I want to be respectful and not cloud her happy time with bad news within the family.

If YOU or I punched our Wives and they had a black eye for all to see we would deserve the public/family disapproval we would get, not that we would want to punch our wives.

Why should you have to bear the internal bleeding and unseen black eye for her?

God Bless
Gamma

Yes, you should expose the affair to everyone. And do it now. Most especially the OM's friends and family. Have you confronted the OM? Who is this worm? Is he married?

I would find the OM's facebook page and expose to as many people as possible on it, by sending them private messages. Try and get in touch with his parents and ask them to use their influence to persuade the OM to leave your wife alone. Ideally, you want to expose the affair all on the same day so it will have the maximum effect.

Facebook exposure suggestions

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW


another great post about facebook exposures:


To add to Tabby's excellent suggestions, send the messages a minute apart so fb doesn't shut you down for flooding. Before you start, copy and paste all the friends into a WORD doc.

Do it NOW and the A may be over by the time the baby shower rolls around.

If not, everyone will be giving your WW the stink-eye or a talking to at the baby shower, which is what you want. You want her to be called out and made accountable for her actions by her family. That's what exposure is for!

Also - who occupies the master bedroom and marital bed? You or WW? If it's you WW, move back in - no warning or permission. Just do it. If she feels the need to sleep apart, she can sleep in the guest room or the couch.

A "stink eye??" I think I just hurt myself!!

Agreed 100% with the above. Get the word out and ASK these people to call your wife and get her to stop. Key word there, ask them to actually contact your wife.

The sense of control that you'll gain is well worth it. You can do this and it's the best thing you can do to get your family back together.

And try not to worry about how the shower will go. Likely, they won't be thinking about you...they'll be thinking about your wife and this is exactly what you want.

Hang in there.

Thank you all for the encouragement. Once I do this, I know I will take the heat but it is better than bleeding internally as I have been.

From there, if the relationship continues - should I compete as Dr. Harley suggests? When I do, how involved should I get to disrupt her A? I am confused when it comes to not making withdrawals from the love bank as I would assume a confrontation regarding her affair while I am trying to compete and wait for him to fail at something she needs would be seen as a huge withdrawal.

I am encouraged by his words that says I am in the nest position to be her husband and that the A will more than likely fizzle when exposure is made and he can not meet one of her core needs.

Dr Harley recommends exposure and causing holy hell in the affair. The benefit from unleashing hell on the affair far outweigh the risk of any lovebank withdrawals. Actually by not exposing and by not causing hell in the affair, you ENABLE IT and Dr Harley says "it is very hard to save a marriage when you become an enabler." So, don't even worry about raising hell in the affair.


Radio clip where Dr Harley tells caller "it is very hard to save a marriage when you become an enabler" [by hiding the affair] radio clip here

Sorry for dropping out for a few days, but I have been hurting pretty bad about all this from within. Of course, Valentines Day wasn't the best and it is the first time in 7 years we did not spend it in the same bed. I am keeping my composure and plan A-ing the best I can but the A is still going strong and getting too far down the wrong path.

To summarize for my own benefit as well as anyone who can help me through this time, my WW has left her original A and promised to reconcile once the A was outed to everyone. However, she embarked on a new A with someone who is not married or with children so he is free to do whatever/whenever and certainly patient enough at this point to wait out what I am sure my WW is telling him will be a D soon down the road.

I have exposed this second A to MIL and SIL and both of them have come out big time against it. My SIL is having a baby shower soon, so I am holding off going nuclear so I don't cause her any problems. I know this is against the advice of the group, but just my choice at the moment.

At home, my WW and I are in separate bedrooms and our little one has no idea clue anything is wrong. My WW stays out 2 times a week now and I know it is with the OM. From the key logger, I know the OM is also planning to go along with the WW to Las Vegas in the next few weeks. My WW had a girls trip planned, but I know his plans to go at the same time are not coincidental.

In the meantime, my WW still projects as if she is doing nothing behind my back even though it as been discussed and outed. My WW is trying to hide from it and not face the truth. D has been discussed and I told her in a a very matter of fact way it would be the most unpleasant process she would go through, I would fight her for everything, and we would not remain friends. i continue to pledge my desire to work things out and plan A every chance I get, but she is in a state of infatuation with the OM and I have even seen evidence of I love yous between one another.

It is only been 3 months of this new OM. However, she also acts as if her and I have a future by discussing future plans or other things that would indicate WW is planning to stay and work it out. You wouldn't believe the things she says in contrast to the things I know she does. How can she go this far down the road with OM and still talk about things with me?

We no longer talk about D. She just maintains her life as a roommate of sorts. She gave me Valentines gifts yesterday while I did not return the same. It seems she is distancing herself allot from me lately, but talking about togetherness when we are there. She still wears her ring while I do not.

What can I do to restart this process again. I know I must have not done the steps correctly as it now has been lulled into her being a roommate, continuing the A but trying to cover it up, yet still makes it seem like her future is with me. I have enabled her into the cake and eat it too theory. Do I need to expose again, BIGGER. Do I need to plan A harder or move to B? Have I screwed up so bad that I can't start over?

I'm in the worst spot in my life right now and she is not even acknowledging the times I do try to show her an open door. WW is spending every second she can away, texting him 24/7, saying I love you to OM, and planning trips. Yet - is still here talking about redoing our closets and having a summer party.

I deserve this for enabling it, but I thought I was competing. I'm loosing... EVERYTHING. Please help.

First things first. EXPOSE. Don't worry about anybody elses problems with that. You have a marriage to save.

How long have you been in Plan A? (seems more like plan doormat BTW).

If it's been a while, you may want to coincide a plan b with the Vegas trip. Hand her the plan b letter as she's walking out the door to the airport. Tell her she will not be welcome back home if she is still with OM. That you are doing this because your marriage is important to you and your family and that is what you are defending. Marriage has no place for a third person.

If she goes, have her things packed and ready for her. Change the locks and got to a dark plan b.

Question here.....if your divorced and have no intention of reconciling, is plan b even applicable?

I appreciate the advice on the Vegas trip. I hate that it has to come to these ultimatum moments, but I did not put us here in that regard.

Plan B scares me as I think he is meeting all of her needs right now other than being a home provider and a father. I remember Dr. H's words of saying the I am in the best position to be her H since I am still here and we are in the same house. However, her mind is elsewhere and when WW is with me, she is planning her next getaway to see OM.

The one thing I felt I had in my corner is that OM seems very impatient about WW moving out or getting the D process going. It has even resulted in a few text fights. OM has been divorced before and looks to be a very impatient person about WW's progress. I thought if I plan A'd long enough, that OM would shoot himself in the foot and implode the A.

However, how close to I let them get while waiting for this moment and plan A'ing in order to compete. The Vegas thing is way out of line, but she is still hiding the truth of his participation. If she had truly moved on from me, wouldn't she come clean and put it out there?

I am being a doormat, but other than standing up for myself and giving plan A time to succeed or OM's impatience to kill it - I must resort to a shut down. To me, plan B would just enable her further and start the D. Is 3 months too soon for this shift? Dr. H suggested 6 months to compete against the OM. However, if the A is progressing too well - is that a sign to switch or perhaps a sign it will burn up sooner. I mean, 3 months is a short time especially when the OM and the WW only see one another twice a week to be at the stage they are in which is why I think they are destined for a burnout.

I actually just spoke to her about doing something together this weekend where she wasn't receptive to it just being with me, but needed to be with our little one as well.

While I am always OK with that, I told her that I would like some time with just her and I as well since I am still committed to saving our family and that I do not want to be shut out.

Unfortunately, she is completely acting as if I don't exist in her life but only as a father in our home and provider. What is going on in WW mind? Where does this end? How can somebody just look down the road with you, but not at you?