let me clarify: my evidence was text messages, phone calls, nice little notes, pet names, profession of love.

Tonight's texts where a whole different ball game and I still have those.

And an admission of physical in front of witnesses

Danno, if you trickle this exposure out to a person here, a person there, you will give both of them plenty of time to get their story 'straight' and paint you out to be a paranoid nutbag who has always thought his W was having affairs with every guy she's ever met, blah blah blah.

You need to expose this A in a clear, concise and orderly way. It should come as a huge bomb to the two adulterers.

Think of your best targets. I would suggest:
- OMW
- their pastor, choir director and Church Board Chair (I don't know your church's denomination, but see if you can track down the person who is 'over' the pastor in authority and expose to them as well. The church's pastor may decide to sweep this under the rug.)
- her parents
- his parents
- FB friends
- siblings

Don't drag exposure out! Do this today! Let these people know what is going on, how long it has been going on, that you have evidence you will share if necessary, and that you are seeking their support in ending the A.

I have pulled the gloves off and am in full fight mode. All of the aforementioned people are being told this today. I have already called and talked to her parents, OM's father (who I know well) and some of our closest friends. I am finishing up the note - I have included it below for critique:


This is perhaps the most difficult thing I have ever done.

It pains me more than you know to tell you that my wife is having an affair. She has admitted that to me tonight. Some form of this affair has been going on for months.

I have been wrestling with this message because I am angry and I do not wish to act in anger. After much reflection and calming down, I choose to send this message not because I wish to hurt her, but because she has lost her way and fallen into a fog that she can't seem to steer out of. She needs to end this affair for the healing to begin. If you feel you have any influence with her to help her back home - please I ask for your help in ending this affair.

She has a three little boys and a husband that loves her, who want her to be whole and happy again.

And I ask for your prayers, that this union is healed, that this woman is healed.

We are going to our first counseling session tomorrow. I also ask for your prayers for that session so that I may remain strong and keep connected to the love I have for her.

I feel bad for imposing this burden on you and I feel bad for having to deliver such news - it goes against my nature to do this, if I felt I had another way I would do that - sometimes what one person breaks only a whole village can restore, I feel that this is one of those times. I ask that you remain respectful about this topic and remember that we all have stumbled. I have blind carbon copied you on this because I think you may have some influence with her. I would appreciate you not talking to other people about this, but I understand if you must.

Most importantly, I am for this marriage, for this family, for our love.

In peace,

danno, this is way too long and emotional.

Just the facts.

- your wife is having an A with X.Y. and you can present proof if needed
- you are commited to saving this relationship
- you are asking their influence over your WW to stop the affair

May I tweak this a bit?

How old are your children?

they are 7 5 and 2

Danno,

You are exactly right about having to go into full fight mode. You have a role to play, and the script doesn't deviate very far from the same one we have all lived through. You have now thrown a monkey wrench into your W's cake-eating vacation.

She will likely say things like:

* I don't know if I love you anymore.
* Our relationship has been bad for so long.
* You didn't give me the support I needed.
* The OM is such a gentleman, and he loves me and cares for me.
* I love you but I haven't been in love with you for a long
time.
* Well, your exposure just wrecked any chance of us working out!
* How could you be so cruel to tell my friends, etc?
* I don't know if I can forgive you for what you've done
(exposure.)


Your W is in a fog and she will throw the book at you! Do not pay attention to the fog babble. She will hurt you with her words. Stay strong and let her know that you will fight for your marriage.

Do not reveal your methods of snooping. It is highly likely she may try to take the A deep underground, while attempting to appease you that the A is over. Don't believe it!

Your complete exposure will cause a predictable story that will be played out. Follow the all of the vets' advice here to a "T."
It may get worse before it gets better, but your odds of crushing the A and recovering are the highest following the MB plan.

Hang in there. I was in your shoes just a few months ago, and now we are recovering nicely.

OK, you need to expose to the 7 and 5 year old too, you can tell them in an age appropriate way...

Danno: If I were you I would read Wisertoday's post just above five or six times. Commit to Memory what Wisertoday has said she will say. I can tell you first hand that 352 days ago I went nuclear. I did it badly and in an emotional moment. And the wrath I got back was beyond just the words. The snarling face, the tone, the everything was far beyond what I was prepared for. And I did not have a Support System like a friend or brother or sister to support me. I wasn't really ready for it even though I knew it was the right thing. And I grew so afraid and guilty that I exposed (including to my then ten year old) that I nearly did away with myself.
A year has gone by. There are still issues. But my wife has made some tangible efforts. She will never again live the fantasy that our now eleven year old will willingly accept some Other Man to replace me. He understands right from wrong. The fantasy is over. Moral of my story... be prepared for the wrath, believe that Wisernow knows firsthand.... Give yourself and your children and your marriage a chance and expose. And have a support system for yourself to help you through the abuse you will receive when you expose.

Praying for you both. And for your children.

Hurting Turkey
BS, 56
WW, 49
Hers: 22, 18
Mine: 30, 28, 22
Ours: 11
DD #1 April 26, 2009
DD #2 Feb 1, 2010 (our anniversary #12)
In Limbo or H*ll depending on the day but still married 352 days post exposure and certain that exposure killed the A

Plan A went into effect - both her and the OM are pissed at me. In fact the OM's brother who I was not able to talk to called me pissed about what I had done until he asked how I knew that they had had an affair, when I told him quite calmly that my wife had admitted it to me. He got quiet on that one. And then asked what he could do.

We started therapy today and the therapist asked me not to keep spreading the news. (although, the list is large who know and I really can't think of any more to add to it that would be able to help)

She was concerned that I was cutting the WW off from her support network which might drive her away from me. I understood that. But the reveal is done.

And this is what she has said so far to me:

they are in love, she had sex because they were in love, the sex we have is not the same she says and did not have the same connection for her, she says they only had sex once but I do not believe that. Worse she has had unprotected sex and then had sex with me (I am waiting lab results now) How could she be that selfish to another human being?

The affair continues today, at least in text form, she wants to do therapy and I asked the therapist in front of her how this therapy was going to work if there is an affair going on. The therapist said that was a great question and turned that same question on her:

She said she would 'try' to end the affair.

The therapist gave her 24 hours to make a decision about pausing the affair.

My WW said that the only way the affair is going to pause from the OM's point of view is if she asks him to.

I have been all lightness and care since that session today, to try and give her room to make that decision in the best possible circumstance. I am not comfortable with the word pause, but I don't think we are going to continue if it can't pause. ( I would prefer end)

Any advice on this?

Oh and another thing I have now seen the poison that he keeps putting in her head, keeps twisting it to his benefit.

This man is evil and manipulative.

danno68,

the man is evil, and your wife is in the middle of the affair fog, this is going to be a long road for the two of you, going for MC and IC is a good thing.
stick to your guns about not accepting the affair and keep exposing to anyone of interest to her or the OM.
she must be forced to make the decision, it's you or him. you in the meantime must think of what your plan will be either way........getting through all this with a plan is so much easier.........be firm but calm when you speak, only deal with the facts and maybe she will realize what she would be giving up to have the OM.
good luck, remember you have history with her, you might not think that she cares about that but believe me she is weighing everything out right now.......
show her the man she married.............

WW should be happy that she shouldn't have to live a lie anymore. Why would telling the truth of WS and OM should drive her away from her support network?


This tells you specifically that she is really wayward? Besides STD, how about pregnancy?


Ending affair is binary. You either end affair or not. There is no trying. This is ridiculous, pausing an affair.

Wow I must say you are going to lose your marriage with this therapist.

It seems to me that you have let your WS exploit your doormat status (all Carrot no Stick).

OBTW, this is happy horse manure. Do not get trapped into outcompeting the OM. This would be fruitless endeavor on your part. This all part of the Foggy Fantasy Land. Follow the Plan A of meeting ENs.

The four intimate needs: Conversation, Recreational Companionship, Affection, Sexual Fulfillment.

When an POSOP meets some of the above, the WS naturally wants to reciprocate with the other Intimate Needs. That is all that has happened. In other words it is not some miracle that WS found somebody that is better at Sexual Fulfillment. It is that WS found somebody willing to meet ENs that were not being met in your marriage. Pure instinctive reaction on her part. Another aspect is that she has to rewrite her memories of what Sexual Fulfillment with you was like in order for WS to justify having this Affair. So you have a serious cake eater that will say things to you that will try to throw you of your game, so that she can continue her Affair.

If you are in Plan A, what is your WS top ENs?

Danno:

How to stop being doormat:
1. If she is going out - Give her a ride, accompany her everywhere. Make it difficult to for WW to be with him.
2. If cellphone in your name, block om
3. Take her name off bank accounts, dont finance affair
4. Disable her car so she relies on you

Just a few things

danno, did you finish exposing the affair? Has the affair been exposed to the OM's wife? What about your children? Are there any exposure targets left who should could be effective in ending this affair?

Have you killed this affair yet?

This is dreadful advice that makes no sense whatsoever. First off, your wife's "support network" cannot support her if they don't about the problem. That is the point of exposure. Secondly, if your wife was not "driven away from you" in an adulterous affair, we not be having this discussion, would we?

What is driving your wife away from you is the AFFAIR and unless that is killed, it will drive you all the way to divorce. Exposure helps kill the affair, in effect making it possible to bring her closer to you.

Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist who specializes in infidelity and he advocates WIDE SPREAD EXPOSURE. The therapist is giving you bad advice.

So my question to you is did you expose the affair to the OM's wife?


Dr Harley would recommend that you DEMAND it end NOW:

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."


What is the decision? Has she agreed to end her affair? If not, I would DEMAND she end it and then help her "make that decision" by raising as much hell as possible in the affair. Finish your exposures if you have not.

And I would remind you that Dr Harley the advice we are giving you here is from Dr Harley, who specializes in infidelity. He is hugely more qualified than an unexperienced "therapist."

Raise hell on the affair, danno, and don't slow down while you have it on the ropes. Exposure works and there is no reason you can't greatly benefit from it here.

Here is the list I have exposed to:

Her parents
Choir director
The pastor and other church leaders
all of our Close friends
My sibilings (who she is close to)
My parents are deceased (so not there)
His parents
His brothers
His wife

3 days after exposure she ended the affair/relationship with him, but did so on his terms.

The only contact so far has been on facebook where she liked a comment he posted about his daughter. Even after she knew it would bother me.

It is Exposure day +5 at this point and she has so far no regrets no remorse.

Is that normal? How should I deal with my expectations (I can't make her apologize) Are my expectations too high? I have not asked for an apology.

Kill it danno. Expose until there isn't anyone left!

So she broke NC too. Wow - affair still going on!!!

Did you know you can block FB too!