Spike,

You're going to get a lot of 2x4s, but that's because you are caught up in your own type of fog. We've all either experienced marital history revision, or did it ourselves.

That being said, you MUST take some steps regardless of whether or not you will stay in your marriage.

1. Tell OW's husband about your affair.
2. Go to full no contact.
3. Confess the affair to your wife.

Have you ever sat her down, told her bluntly, "I'm not happy and I'm very seriously thinking about leaving you?"

It sounds like she didn't like your announcement about divorce. That tells me that she may be someone who has very poor ways of expressing how she loves you or that she does so at all, but she really does love you.

It sounds to me like you and her never truly communicated and that she is a very dominant personality in your relationship. I get the impression that she tends to be the one that dictates things while you "do" and get by silently.

I was in a similar marriage. I too was alienated from my family, did things that weren't appreciated, and generally waited on her hand and foot.

The difference was that she cheated on me.

Would I have eventually been worn down over the years? I don't know. We're all wired to cheat.

But you've crossed that line, and regardless of what path you take, you must confess your affair.

It sounds to me like you're in a very dysfunctional relationship with a woman that is emotionally stunted in terms of expressing affection.

But none of this is justification for cheating nor is it not correctible.

I'm sure your announcement of divorce is a wake up call for your BW.

What has her attitude been since you've told her? Is she willing to work on anything?

You're going to keep getting 2x4s. We want you to save your marriage and end your affair.

But nothing can happen until and unless you end your affair.

I would like to point something out to you Spike. This may be something you remembered reading during your time here before, and maybe not.

Wayward spouses ALWAYS affair DOWN

That means that whatever you think about your BW, your OW is actually WORSE. Can you get your head around that?

Not only that, but YOU are lower than the OWH. You can't hold a candle to HIM.

Here, let me helpfully edit what you need to worry about right now, Spike:


With respect, HTLD, I'm highly disinclined to believe an active WS's revisionist history when rendering judgment on the BS. More importantly, Spike, is that NONE OF THAT MATTERS RIGHT NOW. Your BW takes care of her side of the street, and YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURS -- which, frankly, right now looks a whole lot like that dog **** maritalbliss mentioned on your shoe earlier...

This is absolutely right.

Where are your honesty and integrity, Spike? You're going to need them if you want to crawl out of the hole you've dug yourself.

MrsV, the reason it was suggested to Spike to tell OMH first and then his W was so he wouldn't chicken out.

Spike, has your W ever asked you if you're having an affair?

A couple of times before I was actually having one.


Has she ever asked you questions suspecting something's up?

Not since something was up. The affair is not a frequent thing, and there is really no difference in the way things have been with us.


Does she think you have a friendship with this OW/old friend of yours ... that you two correspond on a friendly basis?

No, She "Knows" I have always believed that such "Friendships" are fraught with peril. She, surprisingly, did not believe such bromides.



What do you think your W thinks or knows?

I don't think so. I think she would say something, or treat me differently. But no such evidence.

I misread your last question:
What do you think your W thinks or knows?

I think she thinks I have just given up. She would say something if she suspected an affair.

Spike, what are you going to do?

Lay it out to us.

Yes to Scotty's comment.

Confessing to OWH first serves another purpose: when he tells his wife about the A, he can show her his commitment to ending it by being able to say he'd already confessed to OWH.

AND: it also forces him to commit to his BW and M without waiting to see if his BW is going to toss him out on his ear after he confesses. He's not keeping OW in the wings as a fall-back option.

Yu wanted a story like yours that has a happy ending?

Everything you need to worry about in your story is in mine:

1. I dealt with my "unhappiness" by having an A
2. It was inexcusably wrong
3. I got over myself
4. I repented and confessed
5. I worked at recovery and helping my DH heal WITHOUT thinking about myself for a long time because I was the one who chose to cheat

That's why we recovered. So far, you've got 1 and 2. Your 3, 4, and 5 aren't even close. Stop talking about your "nut job" wife (or listening to people who want to focus on it) and do the right thing. Period.

Ahhh, I see. Thanks, ladies.

My larger point w/ the post was to show Spike his work right now has little to nothing to do with how he currently views his W/M -- he has to work on himself, and the rest comes later.

Spike, whose side of the street are you going to focus on?

No real objective has been accomplished. All of this is hot air when there is still contact.

Can you tell us your plan to establish No Contact? (hint: this does not involve anyone else's actions like OW's aunt, etc)

ps ~ who cares if OW will recover her M? her M is none of your business and should have ZERO bearing on anything that you do from now on...unless you want to continue being a wayward spouse...

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spike <~~~~ Is this name at ALL related to any "pet name" OW has for you ????

Your history is a 13 year dishonest marriage.
Not just the time during your adultery.

Your integrity will begin with an end to your self dishonesty/delusion/denial.

You must "call a spade a spade" when it comes to YOUR behavior. Not your wife's behavior.

Your 13 year marital behavior has been abhorrent.
You have procrastinated fixing things.
You have avoided necessary conflict.
You have failed to develop openness as a couple.
You are full of excuses.
You are full of secrecy.
You are willing to remain silent as the ship, which is your family, sinks.


See the above in blue?
Please note, I never mentioned adultery.

Ok, so where is the plan? This is a whole lotta nothing.

When will you be telling her the truth?

And will you answer the question I asked earlier?

Was your wife married when you guys got together?

Spike:

If your interested in fixing this, read my story of Dday Here: LG DDay story

I had an affair for 4.5 years on my wonderful wife.

I was a lousy husband.

Dday changed everything.

I would have liked to have stumbled onto this site at the 3 year mark, instead of four days before the end.

I don't know if your wife is a nut job or not. But I had SF with my wife during the entire marriage and during the A. So THAT was never an issue. Everything else was on me as well, to CHOOSE to have an affair.

I learned an awful lot about me and what I was made of AFTER I was exposed to MB. You can do this.

I Did. My Flamingo did.

NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, IT WON'T BE EASY. AFFAIRS are EASY.

Your nuclear explosion is coming, no matter what. You can control the day of explosion, or wait for it to happen.

And yes, she will take you to the cleaners in the divorce.

It starts with ending your A.

LG

Link to Trueheart's letter.


Trueheart = a reformed adulterer

Pepperband, do you think it would do any good at all to send this to a WS? I'm in Plan B and so shouldn't send it anyway, but would a wayward really have some of the fog lifted by reading this?

I could always ask my grown-up daughter to send it, if it would help at all.

Spike,

This one sentence tells more about you than you will EVER be able to disguise.

In my business, this single sentence just leaps off the page, shakes my world, and makes me just laugh so hard I need a new box of Kleenex to move forward with the typing, because you opened the door to your soul for me, and gave me your secret password to boot.

Here's why:


Your first post - as you might recall - was underpinned with the message that you really were asking for permission to divorce your wife. I told you that. I also told you that it was perfectly okay to go ahead and divorce her, but that it was not okay to try to justify your affair by blaming all of this garbage on her.

You may very well have all these wonderful reasons to divorce your wife. She may very well be a "nut job". Your posts are very full of "reasons" why she is a very mean person, and why you should not love her. That's all very fine and dandy, and if you want to use those reasons to discuss with an attorney why you want to file for divorce, by all means - use them.

In the meantime, you open your soul here and let me know the single most important reason your wife should divorce you. And it has nothing to do with your affair.


It has to do with your concept of what the truth is.


You say that you must develop something that "looks like" openness and honesty. An interesting take on the truth. William James had similiar views of the truth, Spike. James' view of the truth can basically be boiled down into the idea that the truth is not an entity unto itself, but the truth is "whatever works" - that is, whatever works for the person who sees it, and manipulates it for the purpose at the time. Your concept of "honesty" is whatever works for you - whatever gains you what you want, or need, as long as what facts you can align will support that "truth" for you.

You believe that if your "argument" for the "truth" holds enough water, that makes your argument valid, and therefore your version of the truth makes it the truth.


This is not how the truth works.


The truth IS - it simply IS - on its own, a stand-alone truth. Honesty has nothing to do with what WORKS to create what you want or desire, or how you "look" to another person.


You cannot manipulate the truth. It is a stand-alone entity.


As long as you remain in the belief that you must make an appearance of being open and honest


and not actually BE open and honest


you are not worth being married to.


And whether you want to hear this or not


you really are not worth having an affair with, either. Your other woman ought to dump you for the exact same reason!



SB