My H and my best friend (we were close as couples also)had an on going 2 yr emotional affair. It all came out after she started talking about leaving her husband and I knew she must have some sort of back up plan. I asked my H all the hard questions and unfortunately got all the hard answers. Meanwhile...the other couple had been attending our church off and on. We know the total separation principle and had been advised of the same by the Pastor(he counseled them the same) and thought it was pretty cut and dried, they would go elsewhere. But...they have been attending regularly and have decided they would like to join. Knowing them as we did we thought if we could just stick it out they would eventually lose interest and go away. She has knot taken any kind of responsibility for the mess saying she was a victim because she was depressed.The strange things the OC has done since all of this leads us to believe that the root problem of their relationship has not been addressed which leaves me a little scared. We have decided that the best way to handle this is for us to leave the church we have attended for 20 yrs. and served in several ministries. Does anyone else see any other way? Thanks for any and all ideas.<BR>

Total separation is the best solution. Its too bad you have to leave your church. Perhaps it is God opening a door for you or someone else elsewhere!!

I wish someone would tell us we didnt have to leave our church and that the separation principle didnt apply here. Leaving a church that was home for 20 years is going to put us on another emotional rollercoaster.<P>duck and weave

D and W,<P>What does you husband think about leaving the church? Where is he in this mess? Was it easy for him to get out of the relationship? Does her H know about this?<P>In short while the two people should be kept away from each other. It really depends on how all party concerned really feel in my opinion.<P>Talk with you H and reach a decision that you are both enthusiastic about.<P>Good Luck and God Bless

Where is my H? I think he was a little relieved that i twas finally out in the open, 2 yrs is a long time to lie to everyone. We have actually done remarkably well and I truly believe things are the best they've ever been, except for the church thing. Although we are doing fine, the OW refuses to awknowledge any responsibility in the matter. She knows she was my best friend and the personal information I shared with her enabled her to know exactly what my husbands emotional needs that I wasn't fulfilling to his expectations. She sent me a short note on torn out note paper after one of the meetings with our Pastor (he told her she needed to seek forgiveness), saying basically "Sorry for my part" that was underlined. She comes to church and has moved closer and closer each week. It's a big church and they feel the need to sit 1 or 2 rows away. The son is in the youth group in which we help, she decided to start coming to a ladies thing (which she totally trashed previously), which I am a board member. It just seems she has no regard for my feelings. You would think she would feel bad enough she would not want to inflict any more pain, but it doesn't seem so. If there was a genuine remorse and humble attitude, i might could see things differently. The Pastor suggested that perhaps we could co-exist but not have any contact but go to the same church. How do you effectively serve and fellowship and not ever have any contact. Doesn't seem possible to me.I would like to figure out something though. Any one who knows of the situation seems to think they will just go away because of the seemingly wrongness of the motives. The whole mess is just more complicated than I can explain. We did pray extensively over the matter(still are in fact, and do feel a peace in the change, but are still holding out for someone to come up with a great solution where everybody wins.

Duck and Weave, you are in a tough situation. My H also had an affair with my best friend. We did not go to the same church, but we were involved in alot of the same things. My H suggested quitting some of the activities we were involved in because he knew it was upsetting to me to see her there. I'm stubborn and refused to quit things I enjoyed "because of her"! Luckily for me, she eventually quit. <BR>If it's not too painful for you, maybe you could wait a little longer and see if she will leave. If not, I don't think you have much choice but to find a new church. It seems like church is the one place you shouldn't be faced with these kinds of decisions.

Well some time has passed and we have resigned all of our responsibilities at our chuch. There has been no change of heart from the OW. Our two boys are really taking it hard. (ages 9 and 12) They dont understand why we cant just get over it. Maybe we could if the other couple would step up and quit playing the victim and take some responsibility for her actions. Oh well now for the hard task of finding another church to join. It wont be easy after being a member of a church for 20 years. Your prayers are appreciated for our boys and their understanding in all of this.<P>DandW

D & W --<P>So similar -- check out my profile. <P>I am having a tough time right now figuring out how to deal with my kids -- also aged 12 and 9 -- and how to cope with seperation from other family. Kids were former classmates, got along great with OM's kids.<BR>My daughter (much to my shock!) even refered to the OM as "her other father". <P>My daughter has already talked to my wife re ther sex "friendships" and what that means for her and for my W. My W resents the fact that my confronting the OM (i know, major LB) is destroying her relationship with the OM and his wife, her "best friend".<BR>With friends like that...<P>Anyway, finding another church may be hard. Imagine if you had to forget 20 years of your life with H, but got to keep the church?<BR>God follows you anywhere, and knows that journey you have to take to save your marriage. He'll help guide if you let Him.<P>Chin up...<P>-- keystone

Gosh are we same wavelenth? Unfortunate though huh? Seems we were responding to each other at the same time. You were very thought provoking though, my H is worth losing the church. It's amazing how when things finally get sorted out and you treat each other how you should have all along the rest is almost easy. I used to look at it as losing 2 -3 yrs of my life but now I see it as gaining the rest of it. Kinda like half-full, half-empty. The Glenn/Carol thing really made me take a hard look at what's important and what's not.<P>I know God goes anywhere and I have no doubt He has great things in store for us but I wish the road just wasn't quite as bumpy, guess it will make me appreciate it even more when we finally arrive.<P>I don't quite understand, your wife still wants a relationship with OC? Does she acknowledge this was an affair? Have you read "How to survive and affair"? WHat about the rule of protection?, your feelings?, your kids emotions? I am a firm believer in most people involved in affairs tend to be very self-centered, is this the case?<BR>I need to sign off now but will check to see how you are doing, I hope you don't mind but my H and I will remember you in our prayers, (praying together has become a very important part of our relationship, it does make a difference.)<P>LF<P>My H is now Y(f) 2K(ids)compatible.

D & W --<P>Just checked your response to me on that other thread. Maybe we just need a "hot line" between us "best friends betrayed" types. Sad to think that a "hot line" would even be needed, huh.<P>Part of the problem right now is that my W doesn't believe she's had anything that resembles an affair. Read my profile for some background re:first confrontation, etc. To her, this is merely a close "friendship". This "friendship" has lead to e-mails that I intercepted that she signed off "love you" and "miss you". OM and my W took a Vegas trip when I was out of town on daughter's school trip. Plan was for OM's W to join, but she got "sick" at last minute so they went without her(?!?!?!) Times when I left for work on later shift and answered phone calls from OM. Time I came home early (surprise!) and OM was just leaving my house having spent the day swimming with his kids and my W and our kids. (Boy, did he bolt out when I pulled into driveway. Didn't even have time to change out of wet swim suit and say "hi" before he sped off.<P>In summary, my W considers these all part of her "friendship". Claims that her "best friend"/OM's wife knows about this and isn't bothered. Claims that I'm just unable to deal with her friendships since I have few, and that she's always had friendships with males. Nothing but "friendship".<P>Whew. I'm done spouting off...<P>Here's where the realization comes through. I was the one who drove my W away. Neglected her emotional and physical feelings. Stopped having intamate contact. Stopped showing interest and concern about and for her. It is my fault. Work problems, work travel (months at a time), birth of 2nd child, major accident, home remodel from hell all hit in a 2 year period.<BR>I gradually withdrew. It wasn't until two years ago, when I first spotted the start of the EA that it dawned on me.<P>I just hope that my neglect and ignorance isn't too impossible to overcome now. <P>For you, you need to go back through time. See if you can pin down an event or events that may have driven you H toward the OP. Look through a phot album. Boy, that one did it for me. Look at your smiles, the twinkle in your eyes. But, check the body language. It changed at some point. Bet you'll find that it changed when the problems began.<P>Take care -- keystone<P><BR>

I almost couldn't bear to read your post. The scenario is so much like ours it's scary. You really need to recognize the fact you need to take action NOW. I never think it's too late until you give up. You are going to have to do some major work on this one, she might not acknowledge or even realize what's going on with her and OM but she will see it when things get better (well I guess OW in my case didn't). You've got to be ready for rejection and a little more hurt but I think you can turn this around by lots of love and attention. It still amazes me how easy it is when you are concentrating on one another. It sounds like it will be one-sided for a while though. Have you read His Needs, Her Needs? or the other one I mentioned? Do you know anything about Love Languages? It really helps if you have a little insight about what drives your spouse and how to reach them.<BR>Does she need-<BR>-WOrds of affirmation<BR>-Quality time-focused attention<BR>-Receiving gifts<BR>-Acts of service for her<BR>-Physical touch<P>I bet it wouldn't be hard to figure out what she needs, then just start doing it and keep trying. Make your goal just to make her laugh or smile at least once a day. Learn something new about her each day and apply that. Be silly. Enjoy her and let her enjoy you.<P>The second chance at the love you thought you had the first time is even better than what you thought you would never lose but never even had. I know you'll have to read that one a couple of times.<P>We will continue to pray for your family.<BR>LF

Thanks D & W --<P>I'll try to track down the books, maybe even thru the website. <P>Re: your thoughts... I'm trying the completely refocus my attention on my W and yet not come off as too demanding or overbearing. She's already acknowledged (even though she still says no affair took place) that it will be tough to overcome our problems. I want to exercise patience, demonstrate my wish to repair the marrriage, but not chance her away in the process.<P>My W claimed that she tries long ago to reconnect. The fact that I didn't respond made her simply give up. The one sided effort desensitized her. The fact that I didn't respond back then made her give up and move on. Despite the fact that our relationship was so disconnected, she had accepted the fact that that is what our marriage had become. And (get this!) seemed to have grown to accept it enough that she's now actually angry and resentful at my late response. That now I'm putting forth an effort when I could have done it a long time ago.<P>Now, too, she's angry and resentful for what I've done to her "friendships". Really angry.<P>It's a tough time now, although we're finally starting to communicate. More through e-mail than actual face to face. But, I'll take what ever I can since previously, it was only thru counsling sessions. She says it will take time, but doesn't want to commit on how long. <P>I'd love to get her to admit that what she had was an affair. I saw the proof. Like an idiot, I erased it. Maybe I had to throw it in her face. Maybe, in a way< i already have.<P>Enough rambling.<P>Let's keep in touch. I pray for you and your family. I pray for me and my family. I know there's a plan the He has, I just don't know it. Someday it will all make sense. Until then...<P>Chin up!<P>-- keystone

Keystone<BR>Hang in there. I wonder if anyone else out there has any advice?? The main purpose of my reply was to get this back on the first page to see if anyone else has been there and how they recovered. What about when the ow goes on like nothing ever happened. Would anti-depressants make you just not care/deal with the affair?<BR>Dandw

Duck and Weave:<P>An "old-timer", HGBrawner, went through a very similar situation with her husband. And they decided (after some soul searching) to leave the church. I was hoping that she might have popped in to fill you in on the details.<P>But the bottom line is that they're very happy at their new church. It's hard to make those moves, but you should look at it as a new opportunity.<P>God bless.

K<P>Thanks for the kind words. I wish Brawner would give us a little insight. I know that we are leaving for the right reasons but it sure hurts alot. By far the hardest decision we have ever had to make. I guess there are consequinces for sin. I am looking forward to what God has for us.<BR>Dandw

Hi Duck & Weave and Keystone and all of you,<P>I don't have any davice on the church issue (shame on me for not going to church) but I do share the common thread here My H had an affair with my friend for 2 years also. Actually I should say my friend had an affair with my H I still hurt-five months after being told by my H. I feel so used-by both of them. as you said D & W she used every tidbit of info i wasn't even aware I was revealing to sway my H towards her open arms. And this gal had a perfectly good H all the while. I know for a fact that I will never ever understand how or why it ever had to happen. I know right now that my H loves me very much and is truly ashamed of what he did-but it doesn't help me to understand the why's of it all. I am one of those that would much rather be with her H than with anybody else. I work my schedule around his-and he works rotating shifts so you must know that takes some work on my part. I want so bad for the ache to go away-for the bad memories and reminders to completely disappear. Just two days ago I love busted big time-super big time and the next day we got a call that H's brother was finally taken from us by cancer. We are also trying to buy a house. I am so totally stressed that I am not sure what tomorrow may do to me. BUt I do know one thing-I won't stop going into the grocery store or anything I have always done just because the OW might be there. I would love nothing more than to make her face me. I want to see her squirm. She took the most valuable thing I have ever had. She lied to him and tried to break up not only my life but my kids lives. She deserves to spend at least the next 2 years suffering now.<BR>It sounds like the OW in your story isn't owning up to her part in the affair at all. And if she is then she sure isn't a bit sorry - that is obvious by her lack of consideration.<P>Take care-<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR>

I think you and H should agree on whatever it is you decide to do. Even pray together for the "right" answer! (and sometimes there is no right or wrong) <P>I lived through a double betrayal over a year ago (yes, I thought I could trust both my H and this "friend"-HAH!) and I still struggle with feelings of hatred for the OW, who also had my husband's child. We moved before the child was born and have never seen her; though the child will be allowed to visit when she's older if she likes, it is totally inappropriate for an adulterous (reformed) spouse to have ANY kind of relationship to the former lover. None. It destoys the already messed-up trust in the marriage.<P>I'm so sorry that this horrible couple is drumming you out of your own church, but if you cannot find another way to peace, leaving may be your own option.

well this is certainly a familar story to me, my H became involved with OW 5 years ago,emotional affair then started into progression into physical. We go to the same church as well. She couldnt handle it and affair was broken off. We decided to stay at our church we have worshiped there since 1981 and avoid this couple and just talk minimally so H could avoid temptation. to cut to the story, H has become involved with same OW again only a full blown adultrous affair this time and we are now separated. If I could have gone back in time 5 years I would have left that church and had my H become accountable to other christian men to check in with. Read my other posts to get the full story. <P>------------------<BR>joanne<BR>

Joanne,<BR>Thanks for the insight. I will look at the old posts. I would suggest reading "How to Survive an Affair" by Harley. I hope things get better for you.<BR>DandW

Joanne<BR>I didnt mean to sound cold and short and to the point but had to get off and work. It is so hard to know if we are doing the right thing by leaving the church. It helps to know your story. It is just so sad that it has to come to this. I dont know how they could continue to come there and act like nothing ever happened. Maybe it is the anti-depressants. There are so many people in our church that know about this and will never trust her again. I guess they feel like our church is where God wants them even though they left in a big huff several years ago. I wish they would read the How to Survive an Affair. I think it would help.<BR>DandW