Ensure he knows you will not tolerate his affair being conducted from the family home, if he argues lies or threatens, pack his bags for him and place them by the front door. Do not reveal how you know, let the OWH know as well, again do not reveal how you know.

Keep that boundary clear and visible there is no compromise on running the affair from your home. Throw in a rhetorical question "I wonder what the OW will do when she loses her job."

Did you complete a full exposure to the OW's side, to her friends, parents and/or a few of her co-workers? Her husband may not have been as robust as you can be with a choice selection of words.

hssh, you have already him showed you care. He knows this and it doesn't interest him. Plan A is only sending the message that you will be willing to meet that persons needs if they end the affair. You usually can't meet the needs of a wayward who is in an active affair.

The next step is Plan B. I would ask him to leave. Confront him about the continued contact and ask him to leave. Once he leaves, go into Plan B.

Oh no, he does want the M, just on his terms because he is cake-eating...

Plan A is only supposed to be successful on its own I believe 15% of the time. In Plan A, you are also setting the stage for Plan B, where you will cut off all contact and the OW will be forced to meet ALL of your WH's needs and the fantasy will inevitably fall apart...

Have you read up on Plan B? I will post a Plan B link for you in case you haven't.

Link "Getting ready for Plan B":
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1642447

Started Plan B. I emptied the account and packed his bag. He blew his fuse. Said he wouldn't leave. I said the hell he's not--either he goes or I do. Told him I would be around when he was ready to rebuild our life, but I deserve more respect than this. OWH and OW are fighting now. WH and OW are texting back and forth like crazy. I don't know what to do--be strong, tell the kids, keep my temper, don't kill him. Don't know if I can do all those things. WH took what was left in the acct, which will make it overdrawn cause things are still pending. Don't think he's going to leave out of town to see her (his suitcase and computer are still here). OW is losing her mind cause OWH said he'd be fighting for full custody. I know my life is not over, but it sure as hell feels that way.

You do not leave the house. He goes. Do not give the OW a place to move into.

Let them stress you have a plan they do not, they are now reacting to you and the OWH .

In the mean time relax, chat to children, if you are in control of your emotions tell them the truth, if by Monday he has not gone get an lawyer and apply for legal separation, there is a very good chance he will be forced to move out.

I know this is almost overwhelming for you hssh, but you're doing great! And from where I'm sitting it's looking like the A has been dealt an extremely harsh blow. Nice job!

Man, I wish some of the male betrayed spouses on this site would take a cue from you...

hssh, do you have an IM lined up? We have a thread here to help your IM. I will look for it.

Did you look at that link? you need to write a Plan B letter so that your H will know what he needs to do to return...

Please keep posting, we can help you thru this. Hang in there!!

[[[[hssh]]]]]

OW told OWH she is willing to meet his demands to end her M. OWH is losing his mind. WH came home long enough to tell me we didn't think we could make it better cause he didn't think he could forgive himself.

Stay on course, they are thick on the fog , when it clears they will both be in serious pain. For yourself stick it out , get a legal separation and Plan B him. Say the same to the OWH it is very rare a mother leavs her children. Ask him again to come here we can help him as well, there is no shame asking for help to save ones marriage.

Yes, focus on your plan. Don't worry about what OW or WH are going to do. Waywards hate it when their spouses interfere with their affairs and threaten all kinds of things. They are going to be facing some harsh realities now. Give it some time...

Can you tell us if you are getting your Plan B lined up? IM? PBL? Lawyer?

hssh, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but what you have done just now is the best thing for your marriage. It sets the standard for your marriage [that will not tolerate his abuse], conveys your seriousness, and prevents you from having a nervous breakdown. This is why Dr Harley says that women should only do Plan A for 3 to 4 weeks. They have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder.

Your H understands now that you will not tolerate his abuse but will only accept a certain standard if he is to stay.

Next steps should be:

1. calm down

2. change your locks TODAY - he will likely cool off and just come back - changing the locks is putting action behind your words.

3. start working on Plan B. write the Plan B letter, designate an intermediary and make plans to go completely dark

you will be fine, hssh, so hang in there!

But no worry about earning the forgiveness of his victim? Amazing that he has no pity for you, his victim, but is loaded with self pity.

I would get those locks changed now, hssh because he will be back. If he comes back tell him he can't come back until he ends his affair, is willing to earn YOUR FORGIVENESS and committed to work on a plan of recovery. I would tell him you don't want to hear from him until he meets those conditions.

He has demands to END his marriage?

No OWH demanded NC or he was going to make her leave and he was going after full-custody. She agree to divorce. When you say IM and PBL, what do you mean? When I posted IM, I meant instant messaging. I have not contacted a lawyer, but did contact my aunt who is going through the same thing, and my old boss back home. Waiting to hear back from both. I sent the OW a text with the wording of the letter that posted on here earlier. Not as long but with the same conviction and idea. I am shaking. He is in the garage talking to the neighbor. If he refuses to leave what are my options? He doesn't want to be here, but he refuses to leave.

What did you say to her?


Go out and ask him to leave. Since he won't end his affair, he cannot stay here. Ask him to respect your wishes and leave.

Message to OW:

Do you know what kind of liar he is? He is telling you what you want to hear. He let another woman move in to my spot. What makes you think he wouldn't do the same to you? He didn't tell you we had sex right before he saw you did he? He didn't tell you that "princess" is what he calls his daughter? I am his queen. My kids will never love you--they will hate you forever for what you have done to our family. Your kids already hate WH for what he is doing to yours. There will be no happily ever after for the 2 of you. It is a fantasy. An illusion. You are a homewrecker, and a slut for sleeping with a married man. What kind of life do you hope to make with him. If he can run out on me he can run out on you too.

You are not just tearing apart our marriage, you are tearing apart your kids and their lives. You have a husband who is willing to do whatever you need to make you happy. Leave mine alone. That is my man and he is wearing the ring I put on his finger right now. What did you expect him to tell you? That we have amazing sex? That I'm his (pet name)? That we both eat sandwiches in circles? that our first movie was Half-Baked? That I was his 1st? That he puts me through hell? The world does not revolve around the 2 of you. You are letting down all your family and friends and your kids. Your jobs are also on the line. Is he worth it to you? do you know what he's like when he's comfortable with you? You only see the side he's showing you now. He's not showing you the real (name). What you see now is an illusion. I know the real (name), the father of my kids. You have no idea what you are in for.

When I needed him most he ran to you. What's he going to do when you need him? He vowed to take care of me and to protect ME. Is that the kind of man you want? who will run away at the first mention of trouble? you want someone who will shut down and point out all your flaws when your the most vulnerable? That's what you'll end up with. You have a man who loves you at home and a family who needs you. go to them. Be a person you can be proud of. I hope you can look yourself in the mirror.

Why would he respect my wishes and leave? He obviously didn't respect me enough to keep his pants on!

Try not to stress, it's the war we want you to win. Perseverance will pay. Be cool, calm and collected you are doing well even if you may not see it.

We have had many WH's agree to leave when their BWs tell them firmly that they are causing a lot of pain and that they need to leave in order to pursue their affairs. It may not work but it is worth a try.

You have said you have the family's support. Have you let those members know that he is continuing to rub his affair in yours and your children's faces and that he refuses to leave? I wonder if it would help you to have more of your family support here...or if anyone could help you put pressure on him to leave...

IM is intermediary and PBL is Plan B letter. Please read the link supplied earlier

One more thing, it sounds like OWH is mimicking your moves (kicking his BW out today as well). Could you ask him to come here? It might not behoove the two of you to be doing in the same way/timing.

Hang in there, hssh!