I look like it as a group therapy sort of place, and in my life anyway, I need this board and its community arms length away. But that again is me.

I want my next relationship if any to have very little to do with the past, and healing from anyone else. I suppose with that attitude I may be setting myself up for a life of lonliness, but I find the people here enough social personal contact to remain human and not an island so to speak. Dealing with the painful past is why I came here, helping others avoid pain and overcome it is why I stay around, but I can find anyone who has trouble in life in the real world that I can share sorrows with. What I need most is to put it behind.

This place has become my church of sorts. A place of sharing and teaching, and to be honest, I am just to afraid to lose that respect of distance and objectivity it provides for me. I can say anything that is on my mind, share my life experiences, and owe nobody anything in the end. I would not be able to do that with a personal relationship as well as here. JMO of course, but because people all have a past and triggers they need special attention. I wouldn't bring a recovering alcoholic to a bar and expect them to just tough it out and drink soda, and I hope I am ready to handle it if and when I date again, she orders a drink at dinner. It will probably be a deal breaker for me, but it shouldn't be a giant trigger that floors me, If you KWIM.

On the positive side of the outlook I have about how its healthy that there is no more PMs here, if I am completly healed and not in need of anyone, what does it hurt to know and feel great empathy and respect for women I know here, and remain thier friend, even want to give them a hug, and still not do a Damsel In Distress thing?

Having positions of authority before in my life, and because of the kind of guy I am, an emotional attachment to females has developed before in me. In the end the best thing I did was respect them enough to insist they find protection and handle things themselves emotionally. Its a tricky thin line to walk between empathy and sympathy, understanding and feeling. What fears my inner moral and emotional core that kept me from the ego trip of a hero trying to save them, have been probably what did save them. Its notable that what my second wife said after I had left her for the two years when she drank, "The best thing you did for me was to leave". AHA! So I wasn't her hero after all.. what a relief!

My 19 year old calls this board my "Sad people network". I call it my hope people network, but there is something to be said and guarded against any relationship that might get seriuos coming from the board. If they come here in sadness and sorrow and do not move past it completly, and depend on a relationship found here to heal them and restore them internally, then it could be a disaster and they could lose the spirit of what the board is for.

To restore everyone, and support marriage, and in that order.


Email addys are shared though a lot here, and that is not frowned upon at all.

Well now isn't that special...Hmmm?...

Thats so funny KC, its like sayin all the people here are not friends.

Do those same people tell you money is no excuse? That if you really really wanted to be a real friend you would sell all you own and go to her?

people can be a trip huh?

Well I didn't take it that anyone was serious about messaging, just a little friendly banter among friends. You know, I've been on my grief healing site for almost six years and have made lots of friends there, same with another site. I see a place for messaging, sometimes you need to say something to someone in private, maybe you feel a particular bond or trust with one person but don't feel comfortable sharing it with everyone in the world...or maybe your message is just for that person's ears alone, and it needn't have anything to do with romantic interest, that's not what I'm here for anyway. I have messaging on both of the other sites I'm a regular on and never have a problem with it. In all my years on forums, I've never seen it abused, maybe I'm just luckier than most.
That aside, it shouldn't matter so much where you meet someone if you both click, and deep inside we all have a moral responsibility to deal with our "stuff" before involving another person in our life. We have to be true to ourselves. I don't equate this site the same as a bar to an alcoholic, to me that's not a fair comparison. We're here to learn and grow, not continue making wrong choices or jump from person to person. But I agree that if you have a problem with alcohol, you shouldn't frequent bars, that's like tempting yourself with poison. Maybe that's why I'm not on singles sites...I need to figure out how to know good from bad before I get involved again, and if I can't figure it out any better than I have in the past with my eyes wide open and paying attention to red flags...I don't belong with anyone. Thats JMO.

Did I tell everyone that Ballroom Lady called me last night?

No, of course I didn't. It was a trick question.

Actually, I called her last evening after picking up some Chinese carry-out, but only got her voice mail. I left her a message saying that I had hoped to hear a nice friendly voice and was sorry to have missed her.

Right around 10:00pm my phone rang and it was her. She was getting ready for bed, but said that she hadn't been real good at replying to my emails/calls and didn't want me to think that was her style. She had been out with a (female) friend, then got back and gotten ready for bed when she decided to call.

We had a nice chat (no talk of dancing -- I'm going to have that conversation with her face to face) and I finally brought it to and end, because it was past the time she usually goes to bed (according to her) and I didn't want to keep her up late.

I thought it was a nice gesture on her part, and a very positive "statement" about how well we're getting along.

Don't you?

I think she really digs you buddy . Enjoy the journey!

AGG

And Kay, I was as usual, giving my opinion, and probably blowing up a mountain into a molehill. Lol.

I took it as freindly, and took advantage to make a funny also.

Then the subject was brought up about the PM option being removed, and I expounded on my ConstantP philosophy, hence the mountain from the molehill. Like what I said had any real importance in the big scheme of things.

I bet I would get along great with everyone here in RL, but I doubt I would share what I do on this site with them, and that is my point really. We all are here with a common denominator that brings us closer and dictates the spirit of our relationships. Maybe if we all ended up at a MB seminar together, we might share more, but I doubt we would do it at a coffee break at a work situation. Thats what I would be afraid to lose, the objective opinions of friends wishing to enrich thier lives as I do. This medium is perfect for me in that, but its not the same as in person, I know that.

So are you busy this weekend? Lol.

Yep, your doin fine.

I just got back from dinner with my daughter -- I took her out for her birthday (which was almost two weeks ago!). During our meal we spoke briefly about my "social life."

Acknowledging that I've gone on several dates with Ballroom Lady (BL), she asked me, "has she ever called YOU?"

I replied that she called last night. "Not a return call, Dad. Just out-of-the-blue?" Negative, I said.

"I don't get her," was DD's comment.

What's to get? I said that as we've talked I think she's had some relationships that have gone south as well. I know she was once married, and she's told me that she was "getting out of a bad relationship" when she hit bottom and got into recovery. (I don't know if she remembers, but I was at her very first meeting, and my new bride-to-be and I were the first to speak with her). I saw her date several guys over the years. I'm not sure what happened to those relationships, but they too, are done.

So, I think she's just being as cautious as me. I told DD that I thought maybe she was just not yet ready to "put it all out there." And I'm fine with that. Let's take some time, get to know each other, and let things grow naturally.

I don't mind watering plants to keep them growing. I don't put them under spotlights and force-feed them to speed up the process. Doing the same thing with a relationship -- especially after the kind of relationship I/we have experienced -- is a recipe for disaster, I think.

Fred,

just practice as much as you can, so that when you find a really interesting partner, you can keep her interested for an eternity.

I have communicated with my last saturday night date, and we both are kind of thinking the same thing, at the moment, which is lets see each other to figure out if we are compatible, because all the signs are there. . . but let me tell you, if i hadn't screwed up so many dates prior, i wouldn't know what land mines to avoid. practice does make better.

But also, on my last great date, I just didn't have enough experience to carry conversation with someone with little in common. With someone with more in common, its a bunch easier, so keep that in mind, as there are many unseen and unknown variables which affect the outcome.

wiftty

I can see where you understood what I said Kay might mean I was comparing this site or relationships developed here to reflect addictions, but it was more pointed to obsession than anything really. I guess that would be a problem that would happen to me really if I am honest, and because I see things through my own filter, and my filter is still clogged. Lol.

Its cool, I am reminded of the saying, "Let pateince do her perfect work" or something like that, time can heal, and it is doing so with me also. Its a side effect of objective truth, much to the chagrin of the misery I was once in before, and my tendency to obsess over details.

I feel like Rosanna Anna Dana, and I should just say .."Oh...Nevermind!..."

Sounds like a typical loving young daughter Fred. Yes you are being wise, that comes with age of course.

The latest:

We have a lunch date for Sunday.

This, at the restaurant we tried to go to Saturday but did not have reservations.

I already made the reservations for Sunday.

Question for the assembled masses:

This is the day before Valentine's Day. We are nowhere near being at that stage. Would it be inappropriate to give her flowers or something during the date? Maybe a little box of those candy hearts with the writing on them?

Just ignoring it seems to be a little coarse. But I'm so often wrong, maybe NOT doing something "Valentine-ish" is the best course of action.

Disclaimer: I do not celebrate holidays.

Personal opinion: Valentines Day is the cheesiest of all holidays.

What I saw on Mass Media: For a couple newly dating (less than 3 months) a card and dinner out is sufficient. Anything more can be seen as overkill.

Ugh. Did I mention I hate Valentines Day?

A single yellow rose is nice.

Yellow meaning just friendship!

Yellow Rose
A yellow rose symbolizes friendship and caring. It's the perfect innocent gift to give to a friend or give to a loved one when you simply want to say "I care". When given to a friend it also means "I'm happy with our friendship."

Up to you!

Yeah - holidays are kinda cheesy - I prefer to celebrate all the time!

It would have been the kiss of death for me if a man took me out the day before Valentine's and did not acknowledge the holiday by giving me some token of affection. It's a sweetheart holiday, and to not to do anything says, "Hey you! I ain't sweet on you!"

I haven't read much of this thread, just the last few posts and some random bits here and there. So I'll just give some random advice:

If it's a first date, bring a single rose, or arrange for the waiter to bring out a small box of (good) chocolates at the end of the meal, stating that they are from the gentleman.

If it's a few dates in, you should know enough to think of something cheap and relevant to give her--a CD of her favorite band, a book by her favorite author, a small GC and catalog of her favorite seed company (maybe that's just me...)--something that says "I've been paying attention because I'm interested, but there is no pressure."

Months in, scheduled activities are THE BOMB. The good bomb, not the blasted one. It shows you know what she likes, and you plan to stick around for the event, which should NOT be on Valentines, but a week or month later.

A year in? RING. Poop or get off the pot, she ain't getting younger.

Yeah Fred give something for Valentines Day.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)

I like that CWMI

I'd keep it low key Fred,

Wouldn't get a dozen roses

The WW used to say it doesn't have to be expensive just thoughtful.... of course I always struggled with that.

Something cute and little that you could set on the table during dinner.... I think Opt may have to get something more substantial, if I've been reading between his lines correctly

Enjoy dinner

Nothing with hearts...it's too suggestive. A single rose is perfect.

I think the romantics have it (sorry, those of you who grumble over "Hallmark Holidays" ).

The yellow rose (maybe two) strikes me as having the perfect balance of "I like you" without being overly mawkish.