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Hi to everyone. I came across this site when I was looking up how to deal with your spouse having an affair and a child. I will try to be consise and short.
Here goes- my husband has been in the military for 30 years. This is both our second marriage. He has 3 grown children. We hvae been married for 12 years. Since 9/11 he has been gone accept for coming home 30 days each year. We can talk and email daily.
I just found out that he had an affair with a girl his daughters ages that is from Africa. She had his child and is back in Africa. No paternity test b/c of military issues. He has been paying her money that I just found out about.
He wants to work it out. I just spent two months with him after I found out and it was painful but we kept talking.
The girl can barely speak english and limited email to her. I read the emails and she can not write much but basic sentences in English.
At this time my husband and I have decided to not let her know I know about her because we are afraid of what she might do or say. If anyone has been in the military they will understand our concerns.
I feel like I am living a big lie. I am now back home and will be goning back to be with him in a month or so. When we are together we have been working it out. But how do you get through this with a child???
I was never able to have a child and I thought we were done with kids, except for those beautiful grandkids.
Any suggestions/guidance appreciated.
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Joined: Nov 2009
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hi Freddie. so sorry u are here.
you can do a DNA test via the mail. this should be the very first thing you take care of. period.
and he absolutely cannot have contact with the OW. Dr H says this is essential for recovery.
why cannot you not travel with him?? dr h also requires a minimum of 15 hours uninterrupted together time each week.
(((freddiemac)))
Me: BS age 35 POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there Married 14.5 years, together almost 16 DDay: 7-5-09 OC born: 7-23-09 no COM: tried 6 years  D filed 5/05/2011 D final 11/10/11 I was gaslighted for 2 years. "You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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There are several of us around who are military families. I don't know particulars concerning that. But as Migs said.
1st. until DNA proves the OC is his it isn't.
2nd. Any money he gives her now is a gift, if CS is calculated and arrears attached, they don't care how much he gave her as a gift it doesn't count.
3rd. you both should start reading here. NC for your WH with OW for life, read surviving an affair for starters.
I'll see if I can find someone from the military to pop in.
Fled
Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993
May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.
Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
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Joined: Dec 2007
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In the military for thirty years time for him to retire.
How come WH has been allowed to be separated for 335 days a year from you?
How has this gone on?
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Hi Freddie,
I'm so sorry for your pain. I remember well what it was like at the beginning.
I understand that there are some differences to some of the situations since the OW is in Africa. Military, we have seen a lot.
Did your H have a long relationshop with OW? What is there history? Is it just e-mail contact at this point?
What is your H's attitude about OC? His plan for OC and him?
There is much that can be done to help recover your marriage. A few more details about the situation would be helpful to guide some of the suggestions.
Could your H retire at this point? I can't see how you would be able to recover with the amount of separation you have been living with. Why would you want to? You're alone most of the time.
We're here to help. There is a wealth of real life experience on this board with affairs that include an OC.
BW
DDay March 2004
OC born 8-04
NC
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I will try and answer as best I can. I have been splitting my time between being with him since I retired in late 09 and taking care of my parents in the States. I just learned about the affair and child Dec 20. The only reason I am not with him now is that my dad is really ill again.
He does not have contact with the child since they are in another country. He does not want contact with the child. He feels that it would be best if the mother gets on with her life without him. He does pay money to her now and has been. The money is not the issue.
He is not listed on the birth certificate but I am not sure since the child was born in Africa. I have no idea how to get a copy of birth records from there.
He wants to stay married. The DNA and other issues are secondary right now (since it is not that easy to find the mother) I am mostly right now trying to deal with my husband who is was all about integrity did this and hide it for over two years.
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He wants to stay married. The DNA and other issues are secondary right now (since it is not that easy to find the mother) I am mostly right now trying to deal with my husband who is was all about integrity did this and hide it for over two years. Hi freddimac, welcome to MArriage Builders. Please check out the stickied thread at the top of this forum, where Dr Harley outlines the best steps for recovery. The way to recover your marriage is to make sure your H ends all contact with the OM. An affair is an addiction, and just as with alcohol, the only solution is complete abstinence. I would get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program in there. Most marriages do not ever recover from affairs. They limp along in a crippled pre-affair version of the marriage and are more vulnerable to affairs afterwards. But you can avoid all that if you use this program. The way it works is to completely affair proof your marriage and create a romantic, passionate marriage. Eliminate the conditions that led to the affair, such as spending the night apart, etc. Become completely transparent and account for any time apart. Spending the night apart also makes your marriage vulnerable. The goal is to achieve completely melded lifestyles, which eliminates the possibility of the secret second life necessary to conduct an affair. In order to restore your marriage to a state of romance, one has to spend 25+ hours together meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of sexual fulfillment, affection, conversatioin and rec companionship. This step will cause you to fall back in love the FASTEST. Once you fall back in love, it will take 15 hours of undivided attention time to maintain. But the UA time is crucial, because this program does not work without it. The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Why does he pay her money when he has no proof the child is his?
Me: BS age 35 POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there Married 14.5 years, together almost 16 DDay: 7-5-09 OC born: 7-23-09 no COM: tried 6 years D filed 5/05/2011 D final 11/10/11 I was gaslighted for 2 years. "You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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Because he feels it is his. I am sure there is more to the relationship than has come out. He throws money at situations to keep them in check- if that makes sense. He paid CS for his kids that are grown until they were out of college (that is CS to their mother andpaid for college).
I will be bcak with him in March if everything goes well with my dad. We will continue our conversations and I am sure more will come out.
When we are together we spend about one-two hrs a night just talking. It is just the two of us so that is actually very nice and our converstaions are very good. He has answered all of my questions even when I did not like the answers.
The issue with DNA and other items is security clearance with the military. That is all I can say about that issue. I am sorry if not everyone understands that but I can not push that issue until he retires. He wants to do another 5 years.
We are working on a plan to set the OW up so we do not pay CS which I am sure she does not even understand how to collect since she is in Africa- but I am not willing to take that chance. I know this sounds very strange but when you live in the ex-patriate world this is what you do.
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Because he feels it is his. He's not interested in finding out for sure?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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If it isn't his don't pay. Let her make her way through the language barrier and the proper channels. Your M comes first. Her language skills are good enough to stay in contact with him and let him know that she has had a child and needs/wants money.
Stop all contact, that includes sending her gifts for herself and her OC. Work on your relationship. If your worried about back support, get one of the online calculators and try to figure out what his support obligation would be and set it aside in a special account incase the day comes. But, stop ALL contact and ALL gifts to OW.
Fled
Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993
May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.
Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
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right now he is more concerned that he keeps his job. right or wrong that is what he feels
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right now he is more concerned that he keeps his job. right or wrong that is what he feels What has this got to do with paying money to some woman who had a baby?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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