Reva,
To some people like Captain, it's more of an "easy come, easy go" than the rest of us. Some of us took our vows seriously. Some of us didn't cheat.

Hey buddy! I'm so glad to hear that my advice helped you out. I just try to pay it forward because Marriage Builders saved my life during my WXW's affair and our divorce. Three years out of my marriage, life is better than I would have dared imagine when I separated and was an emotional wreck. Living well IS the best revenge - I had to take it on faith back then, but now I have seen in hindsight that it truly is. I never would have thought I would be able to feel compassion and pity for my WXW, but I do now, in a very detached way. While I am closer than ever to my family and friends, living happily and dating a wonderful woman, closer to God than I was before because I had to rely on Him so completely.... meanwhile my ex is reaping what she sowed and has been reduced to selling books on craigslist for $1 a piece to stave off bankruptcy for another week or so, with a new baby and an absentee father. This was a college-educated, together, professional woman (none of which matters AT ALL!)

But I digress. Opt, I always was rooting for you (even though I recall some of the more hysterical MB women getting me temporarily banned for my CRAZY advice to you that you consider moving on and seeking divorce mediation...... there sure are some nutty [albeit well-meaning] ladies on here! I enjoy the discussion and differing view-points, and don't understand why they feel so threatened by advice from men who have been there just like they have!)

I digress again!

I am so glad that the advice I gave you helped you, and even more glad that you are doing so much better now. You are a great man and deserve (and will get) the best - you took the high road, my friend, and that is not only hard to do, but incredibly rare to see. You are an inspiration to others, my friend!

Great to hear the update from you.

Best Wishes,
Arpeggi (Confuzed Husband)

My xh married the ow the first day that the courthouse was open after the New Year in Jan. of 2004.

I remember thinking I couldn't breathe, and my xh even tried to hide his sudden stance on custody, telling me he had something important to do out of town and that he needed to drop ds off immediately and unnanounced. I was at that time in a plan D almost forever plan B.y

Having nobody to be IM, I met him at a gas station (public place) and immediately noticed when he got out he'd dyed his hair and goatee dark black (he had a few stray greys in there. It was a few days before new years' eve, and I had already gotten plans for NYE. I took one look at him and knew. The ow was very pregnant, and it dawned on me that one second.

I looked at him as he passed my son who was then in pre k to me, and said "so you're going to attempt to make an honest woman of her huh?" He didn't say anything. He looked at me and looked like he was very very sad. He stared at me, didn't say a word, like he was taking a mental picture of me. I almost cried looking at him and for about 20 seconds he looked and stared at me too, right in my eyes.

They married shortly after flying to Disney World, where WE stayed for OUR honeymoon (evil huh?). He was rewriting his past always with her.

Fast forward, I found a good friend of mine (neighbor whose son played with mine) who watched my son for me to go to a NYE ball with a group of single friends. I wore a hot, blue evening gown and accidentally our photos got snapped and put into the atl society magazine. Yep. Me, looking hot with two hot guys on either side of me with their arms around me. Me, miss one week single.

At three minutes or so before midnight, the band playing burst into a song, but the intro went like this.."We'd like to dedicate our last song of 2003 to woman here, a lovely blonde woman who is starting her life over again at the stroke of midnight, leaving behind in the past a man who didn't deserve her and was well...a nasty cheater. Peachy (insert my name), it's for you."

And they played "It's My Life" the re-make version by No Doubt and I danced and cried at the same time.

Fast forward to one year post divorce/post affairage of my x and the ow, he has begun cheating on her. He attempted to even ask me on a date one evening when he pretended he "had" to give my son to me that "something came up". I declined as unlike his ho, I don't do married men.

By year two, the ow/wife confides in me he is cheating on her and busts him in the bahamas. With pictures and shows me and I relive EVERYTHING again.

By year 3, the ow is blatantly cheated on and he is violent with her, police is called to home.

By year 5, they are talking separation and he gets busted cheating on her, and does same thing to her he did with monkeyho, takes their oc to six flags with his ow.

By fourth month in year 5, my x goes to jail for many different things and has to relinquish his title of CEO of his company and I get my last child support check as he and ow have squandered things.

By the end of their fifth year married, she has filed for divorce and is days away from it being final. Hmm...it may even be final now.

Meanwhile, the xow (whom I actually forgave in time due to the amazing grace of our God)and I had a decent relationship but she's gone over to the "wayward" side again, dating and goin to FL and on trips with a bf while still married to my xh. Since Christmas, I haven't been able to even get her to return my calls, so my ds could give his Christmas presents to the oc, her daughter.

The ow has shown her true colors again, and is wayward.

The "soulmates" may even already be divorced now. They didn't make it to that magic number of 5 years being married. "His love of his life" divorced him when she got a taste of what she gave me.

The affairages WILL ALWAYS end. They're not for life, they're not about families, they are not good in any way. Look out for you, your kids (yes the kids!) and protect them b/c they will be damaged by their selfishness.

It was like watching a slow train wreck from a 1/4 mile away. You could see it coming. You knew it would happen, and you hate to see it.

My xh sacrificed his dignity, his intelligence, his youth, his money, his job, his EVERYTHING and blew it on his affairage and his subsequent affairs. He told me last year, from jail when I took my ds to visit him, that he wished he could rewind time and go back to the day he ruined everything. And that he was sorry.

Me? I got remarried this summer. I remember that moment last year when my xh, pitiful looking in the jail window, using the phone, a former powerful businessman/CEO, asked to see my engagement ring. I felt wierd but showed him. "Nice, you deserve far better than anything I ever gave you." He said. I almost cried. He looked sadder than I'd ever seen him when my son told him I'd gotten engaged.

I have been fully over the emotional aspects of the divorce for the most part for over four years. I felt really good around the time of the divorce, and dealt with IC to deal with the emotional damage he caused me for maybe the next year, but did really well. I can also say to you, that you WILL love again, but the great thing is you will be much more dilligent in whom you pick as a partner.

You also become a person with a much much higher standard, so when I dated around, I was dumping people all the time for the first year or two. You don't settle for anything after what we lived through. But when the time is right, when you have healed and you have become comfortable within your own skin and embrace your new life, LOVE WILL FIND YOU.

It will! The night I met my dh was the greatest, only to be followed by our first official date, which ended up going past our dinner date, on to watching a movie (Charlie Wilsons' War), and then him walking me to my car, and giving me a moonlit kiss under a full moon which caused butterflies like I'd never known.

After our first date, dh and I were inseparable, and he is 100 percent THE DAD of my son, is there for him 100% of the time as well as for me. We're super happy, super faithful, and MB'ers!

You will make it through this tough time. And the other side, where I am now, is a great place to be. Sure, you will have skirmishes with the ex, it's a given, and my xh is still trying to give me trouble, along with my x inlaws, but my dh and I have the truth on our side, and my ds is fully capable of telling a judge where he wishes to live.

Hang in there! And snicker when you see the "newlyweds" because you have a huge secret! They are soon going to be the "dumb divorcees" yet again reeeaaaalll soon.

Arpeggi,
You got banned for advising someone to move on??? That doesn't make sense! If a person has a cheating spouse, it's up to them to determine if they want to save the marriage or not or can even handle continuing the relationship...even the Bible allows for divorce in such cases. That's why people should take their marital vows so seriously and NOT cheat! They can't COUNT on "forgive and forget"!

Thanks - sounds like you and I both have our heads screwed on straight.. And I didn't get banned per se, I got my posts erased by a mod for saying that. I got SUSPENDED/BANNED for a month when I questioned that decision. <Sigh> Oh well. I came back here for the sake of the BHs who need the perspective of BHs as well as the BWs. This site helped me immeasurably when I was going through an affair.

It was immeasurable help to me too...the first time I "forgave and tried to get past it"...I learned as much as I could and tried to employ it...but then when he did it again I filed for divorce. There's a saying "do it to me once, shame on you, do it to me twice, shame on me!" that was my motto.

Do you think it's different for BHs than it is for BWs? If so, in what ways? I'm just curious if it affects us differently. I went back and read my original post yesterday and I kind of think I was in a fog at the time...shocked, wanting to believe, but nothing sounding quite right...it was a horrifying time. I'm glad it's all in the past now. Except it isn't totally...I have a hard time trusting because of what he did to me and my subsequent fiance did to me...it makes it nigh impossible for me to trust again. I don't know what it would take, I just don't want to go through that kind of pain again.

I've never been married, but I've stuck around for a long while and have seen a few BHs...

...and I have to say that it can be more difficult for the BHs. All it takes is for the WW (as another poster put it) to go into a courthouse and say "I'm afraid" and the BH gets slapped with a restraining order.

Just look what happened to PSUBIKER.

Gee that wasn't the case with me...in my first marriage he could beat the living tar out of me repeatedly and when I finally filed a restraining order he broke it and they did nothing to him!

ITA, maybe my thoughts are petty; but I hope that every minute of everyday in every aspect of WXH's life is pure torture. I hope the entire affair falls apart. That doesn't mean that I am not re-building my life, but he deserves to be miserable. And yes, I believe that I would get a little satisfaction out of that.

Thanks Peachy for taking the time to write and share your story. I feel positive about my future. The kids and I are doing very well but I can't even imagine being with someone else again. I'm not sure it's in the cards but feel OK about it if that's the case. I'm just going to live life to the fullest and take care of my wonderful boys.

They are old, time worn maybe over used, but they are both still very true, IMHO:

"Being bitter is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".

Combine that with this one to get a recipe for life:

"Living Well Is the Best Revenge."