I have question I'd like an opinion on. My husband and I are in a bad place. Long story, but he feels like his needs have not been met for a long time. I also have had resentment toward him, b/c I have felt that I am the responsible party in the marriage, making all the primary decision alone. . .

So some background that leads to my question, October 2009, OW contacts me via Facebook, and tells me who she is and says my husband has ended it b/c he still loves me and our 2 year old son very much. I needless to say am angry, but I am aware of my responsibility/mistakes leading to this. I approach him about it, he is very nonchalant, but he says he loves me and we try to make changes. . .
January 2010 my father is diagnosed with cancer and passed away in June of 2010. My heart and emotions have been elsewhere. . .
Dec 2011 get a text message from my husband about canceling a date. .Text not meant for me, he comes home crying, says he will go to couseling.
January, after christmas craziness, I tell him I'm worried about us, ask if he would start fireproof program with me. Says no, doesn't think he wants to be married anymore. . I ask if he is seeing someone else. His answer"What do you think?" To me that means yes. I told him if he was he needed to move out immediately.
a month has passed, tense needless to say. We barely talk at all. Told me on Tuesday he found a place to live. Friday I call landlord, tell them I don't know how much longer I will be there, can't afford it by myself.
Friday afternoon he texts me and asks if I will go to counseling with him. Of course I say yes, I still love him, but I'm REALLY mad. .

To my question, should we go separately first or together?

Welcome to MB, ACS. I am sorry to hear about these events.

ACS, I urge you to click "notify" immediately and ask a moderator to move this thread to the forum Surviving an Affair. You have expressed your problem as one of whether to attend counselling together or separately, but as I see it, the crisis in your marriage is about ending this affair.

My advice about the counselling is to tell your H that you will participate in coaching from the Harley service. There is a link to the Counseling Centre in the red banner at the top of every page here; please click and read about it, and then send an email requesting a session.

Many people here have tried both conventional counselling and Harley coaching. If you want to coach with an action-based service that has a high success rate with saving marriages, then you must go to the Harley centre. I take it that since you have posted on Marriage Builders you know something about Dr Harley's programme, and it appeals to you, so if that's the case you should go straight to the source to get started on the right path.

If you haven't read widely here, this article will give you basic information on Dr Harley's approach. Please click the links in that article to read everything available on this site regarding infidelity.

If I could do one thing differently today with regard to rebuilding my marriage after my H's affair, it would be to insist on Harley coaching before attempting reconciliation. If your H has decided by himself that counselling is a good thing, then seize the opportunity this offers you to get the best service that there is, I beg you. You will never regret doing so, but you might regret taking another path.

Welcome, ACS.

To answer your last question: I wouldn't advise either of you to go. Most Marriage Counselors aren't worth the ink on their diplomas.

Would your WH be willing to be counselled by Dr. Harley? He is the owner of this site and has saved thousands of marriages.

Also, have you read the articles on this site? If you're like most new members on this site, you will read things that will very much be an eye-opener for you.

Start with the Basics, here. I also attached a short synopsis of how Dr. Harley learned to save marriages, which will help you understand why I'm suggesting you not waste your time with a MC.

I would also suggest you buy the book Surviving an Affair. It will be very helpful for you. You can find that on the bookstore link on this site.

NOTE: I don't want to stall your progress if your WH is motivated. If he refuses to counsel with Dr. H, make sure you interview the MC and ask him if he is familiar with Marriage Builders Concepts. If he's never heard of it, go on to the next counselor and keep looking until you find someone who knows and agrees with Marriage Builders concepts.

ACS

I was in your place not so long ago. My husband tried counseling but it didn't do any good. He would just get angry and walk out. He also lied to me and the counselor as to the extent of his affair.

In Jan 11 we started coaching with Steve Harley. Things are slow going but Steve as gotten through to me and my husband. He is giving us tools to work on our marriage ourselves instead of solving the problems for us.

Steve has been the only one that has gotten through to my husband the pain his affair caused but has also given my husband the tools to protect himself from it happening again.

I can't sing Steve's praises enough. So instead of throwing your money away on someone that may not be for your marriage, give the coaching center a call.

I think that counseling might be nice if you decide to save your marriage, but you have other issues to deal with first. First question is: do you want to save your marriage?

If you want to save your marriage, I would forego the counseling until the affair is killed. First off, counseling is a complete waste of time when there is an active affair and secondly, traditional marriage counseling is harmful to marriages. [84% failure rate] They don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population.

Since they don't understand the mindset of a wayward spouse, they cause enormous damage to the marriage by helping him achieve their current desires based on a very temporary state of mind. It would be like helping a falling down drunk achieve his goals in life.

If you do pay for counseling, I would try the Harleys because a) they are pro marriage, b) know what they are doing and c) can do in 2-3 sessions what others can never do. They won't waste your time with a lot of crap.

But, if you want to save your marriage, I would focus first on killing the affair. You would want to go into a short Plan A and see if the affair ends in about 2 to 3 weeks. If not, then the next step is Plan B, closing the door with your WS until he ends his affair.

Here is what Plan A looks like:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Exposing the affair, without warning, with strategic, military precision is the most powerful tool you have against the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it ruins the fantasy.

here