The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Well, H did end everything with OW except they still work together. He is trying to switch to another team/schedule, but it will take time. She (OW) hates him right now, which is fine by me. She is young and not married. He told her he didn't want anything to do with her and their only conversations at work would be about work and involve other people. He has told me about every encounter with her at work.

Well, H did end everything with OW except they still work together. He is trying to switch to another team/schedule, but it will take time. She (OW) hates him right now, which is fine by me. She is young and not married. He told her he didn't want anything to do with her and their only conversations at work would be about work and involve other people. He has told me about every encounter with her at work. There are a few people who know about the A...by close family and his. They have been very supportive, but it still hurts. I think he is doing the right things, but its hard to know. From what I can tell he wants to make our marriage work and is trying to do that. He did get evaluated for ADHD this week, and of course, he does have it (which I already knew, he just refused to get tested). He is seeing his md this week to talk about treatment. Hopefully things will start to get easier soon.