No, I didn't say I didn't want to do anything or I wouldn't be here asking advice. I am just confused on what to do. Everyone has such different advice. It's all good advice, I'm not complaining...I just want to do the best one for my situation. Maybe I didn't give Plan A a good enough chance. I did LB it like crazy. I am not going to act on it just yet, cause I don't have all my ducks in a row. It's not like I have to do something right this minute. I would rather plan out my course of action.

In the meantime, H is coming around and acting very strange. He is crying all the time, he is depressed, he is angry, sad, emotional...I am the stable one now. I want to see what his next moves are, without being doormat.

Please define doormat by the way I would like to see if I fit into that category. I didn't think I did, but maybe I have been.

I would go into Plan B by this weekend and THEN expose the affair this weekend. They will all be off work so they can call and email each other and whip each other up into a frenzy.

I would also send the OW a copy of the Plan B letter and put a note on it how you will fight for your marriage. [use the note in the book, Surviving an Affair] In it, tell her that there is no future in her affair because she will be eternally hated by the inlaws and your children for her part in breaking up your family.


Agree!


"Blood is thicker than water" is the favorite excuse of family members who don't give a damn. Some do, some don't. You never know who will support the OW and try to persuade her to end her affair.

Do your children know of the affair?

I would not worry about this one bit. Plan A is simply conveying to the WS that you would be willing to meet his needs in the future IF HE ENDS HIS AFFAIR. There is no such thing as a perfect Plan A. From today to Friday is plenty enough time to be as pleasant as possible so you leave a good taste in his mouth.

The danger in a prolonged Plan A is that it will cause more emotional trauma and you won't be able to control your reactions. Better to get out now before it gets worse. \


oh boy, I am licking my chops. I am even more convinced you should go into Plan B this week. This means the affair is crumbling and it is killing him. When you shut the door, the affair will really go into a free fall because he won't have you propping it up. I suspect the OW is very heartless and uncaring to him but he is addicted, so he gets his reassurance - his "fix" so to speak - from you.

Without you, the OW will be expected to step up the plate and meet his needs that you were meeting until now. She won't be able to do it.

So what will happen next is that he will try DESPERATELY to get you to speak to him. He will sense that his affair is in a freefall and will try to get through to get his FIX. The longer you withstand his attempts, the more damage caused to the affair. When he GETS that you really mean what you said in your Plan B letter, he will dump the OW, if she hasn't dumped him by then.

I am licking my chops. Your H's demeanor tells me the affair is in BIG TROUBLE. There is no better time to shut the door.

Trista! Welcome! So glad you're posting. One thing you'll find around here is that the advice is pretty much consistent and it's coming from people who have actually saved their marriages.

I agree, it's definitely time for Plan B. But you need to do it right, no backsliding. There are steps to take to get ready for it, it's not something that you jump into unprepared. Seal all the cracks, shore up the financial aspects, etc.

Keep posting. You'll be so glad you did.

If you have allowed your WH to float back and forth between you and OW for TWO YEARS, I'm sorry, sweetie, but you qualify.

:::briskly dusting off hands::: But don't worry about that now! You're here and you're getting the tools you need. You just didn't have them before. So you won't qualify for doormat for long if you follow them!

Get your Plan B letter ready. I wouldn't wait until just before they leave - get it ready now. Sister, you need to rock his world. He's going to find out that the rules of the game are about to change.

Have you read about Plan B yet? Read up on it here.

Trista, when you say you exposed, did you follow the formula? Did you ask for peoples support in saving your marriage? I just ask cause if you didn't I would redo. And absolutely expose to everyone she is connected to, it will create huge friction in the affair.

Exposure worked on my wifes affair in like two hours. She reconnected with an old flame, and was hopeless in love with him. It was nuts, but exposure killed it because it was all based on lies.

I say take Mels advice, everything she tells you. And expose the crap out of them. It worked a miracle for me. I am doing the hard road of recovery now, and exposure did for me what two months of plan A could not.

Good luck

Hi Trista,

Glad to see you're getting more advice.

I agree you need to get into Plan B.

Also, this:

Is an absolute non-negotiable. It really is. I know I've talked to you about it before. I know you're scared, but this is absolutely the way it is.

Your husband is a serial cheater who is able to cheat because he lives his own, independent life. He's a weekend husband. For you to recover, he will have to make MAJOR changes. Don't settle for anything less than MAJOR changes.

Expose to her family, make it difficult for HER to continue the affair.

Go into a Plan B for your own protection, so you can disconnect from his crazy.

Melody's post got me all riled!!! I want to do it!!! He has been so emotional all day.

Update: I told him tonight...didn't write it in a letter..just told him it's either all of him or none of him. Told him I loved him, and if he wanted to go get counseling or could sit me down and tell me 100% that he wants us to work out and be done with OW, then I would consider it. I will still write up letter to list all conditions...but he cried the whole time I was telling him. I just told him I couldn't do this anymore, that nothing has changed between us, him and the OW all year long and I'm not about to go through another summer of the same BS. I was pretty confident in what I was saying and I meant every bit of it. He said he didn't know if he could stay away, but he would "try."

I couldn't even hear him he was crying so hard. I just told him that, you need to go fix YOU! I can't help you, you can only help yourself. You are miserable where you are...you're in turmoil, yet you won't do anything to help yourself. I said, "if you are willing to do counseling with me, and can end your affair with OW for good, we'll talk" until then we're done. We did not talk about divorce or filing anything right now. So guess I'm not doing any sort of PLAN A. It wasn't gonna do me any good anyway. The crying tells me I did enough Plan A.

@TristaB -

Set your bar high! If your WS wants to stay married he needs to more than "try", he needs to do. You can demand this.

Demand he have NC with OW forever or he will be divorced.

Get your Plan B ready.

What are the requirements for you to stay in the marriage again?

Yep. Because he's now realizing that his ride is about to come to a complete stop. He's addicted and you just told him that the crack pipeline has dried up.

Trista, we've got a saying around here: look for action, not words. That goes both ways. He needs to show you right now that he means it, and you need to show him the same thing.

He needs to:
Write a NC letter that you approve of and YOU mail to OW.
Give you all of his passwords to his cell phone, email accounts, etc.
Change his cell phone number.
You need to get a GPS and put it on his car (without his knowledge!)

Caution: Your WH may try to convince you to let him see OW 'one more time' to break it off in person. He'll say that it is the 'gentlemanly' thing to do. Crazy waywards
Allow him to do NO SUCH THING. That will just give them the opportunity to weep with each other over the 'end' of their love story Then they'll have makeup sex and the A will continue to roll along.

Stick to the plan, Trista. Because I'll bet you a box of doughnuts that he's going to attempt to negotiate with you to keep OW in the picture.

Remind me: do they work together?

Hello;
It is time to do some reflection and self care. Plan A is a great thing to start with, but it takes a huge emotional toll on the BS. How are you holding up today?

People plan A during an active A, but there is usually a time limit set on it. Only you can decide HOW long you can do this and remain pro marriage and emotionally healthy.

If your LB (love bank) drops too low, you will resent your WH and lose the motivation to save your M. You need to move into plan B before that happens.

Maybe you are at that point already. If so, follow the plan B advice. Plan B takes planning and help (you need an IM- you need to know how the finances/support is going to be coming in, etc.)

Plan B is made to protect yourself from the A. A BS can only watch an active A go on for so long.

Trista,

Sending my support, I love that you are taking control of your life again and doing everything in your power to save your marriage, the vets here are the best, they give you the strength and friendship you will need to get through this.
Your marriage isn't over by a long shot, but you have to get back into the driver's seat........
I love the conversation you had with your husband last night. I think Maritalbliss is right, he is upset because he wants both of you, and you are getting off his train of destruction......fantasy is finally hitting reality.........let that do it's job, let him feel the brunt of his decisions. Self awareness is exactly what needs to happen, he won't ever be accountable if you don't force his hand.
You keep your chin up, stay strong, always look good, smell good so he can really get a good sense of what he is going to lose.........
hang in there

Trista, what exactly did you tell him? If you told him that you were not going to be able to talk to him, etc, you may actually need to enter Plan B TODAY for it to be the most effective.

Give us a run-down of what you said to him(as best as you can remember) so we can see what to advise you to do next.

Trista,

Exposing to her family after two years AFTER the affair was over might get some differing opinions. I don't think anyone here would fault you for exposing while the affair is still in progress AND he is still seeing you.

After coming here and learning about affairs, I understand that dating seperated/about to be divorced men is wrong; however, before MB, I probably would have accepted it from a friend or relative assuming that "it was just a matter of paperwork." HOWEVER, even then, IF I had found out that not only was the man married but there was no paperwork and he was still involved physically and emotionally with his wife, you can be sure that would be unacceptable. What I am saying is, even without the benefit of MB, most rational people would not like to see their friend or loved one involved with a married man.

Exposure isn't vindictive, it is just giving people the facts that they might otherwise not be privy to.

Trista:

All the proof you will ever need about what kind of man he is, is the day he gets on that Plane to Costa Rica.

If your expose over on her side of the family, and he still flys to CR, than it doesn't matter.

You can Plan A him to death till the day that that plane is taking off. And if he does get on the plane, your M is over.

He is interested in having fun. CR is more fun than anything else. OW is more fun. Everything else doesn't matter.

Time to cut THAT out of your life.

That is why Plan B is recommended for you.

LG

Did you read any of my posts?

Trista. Are you able to put aside your emotions long enough to follow a plan? Can you follow a plan?

My number one requirement is for him to end the affair completely, no friendship, no nothing...He even had the nerve to tell me again last night that he "really enjoyed her friendship".

Working on my PLAN B letter today, it will be delivered tonight via email. I am feeling so strong today!!

Does anyone have an example of their own Plan B letter I can read?

And I am exposing to her family as well. I have nothing to lose. I've already lost him this much, it can't get much worse.

Yep, that is how it happened the last time he was "ending" their affair. She cried, he cried...He told me he had to do it in person, yadda yadda. And you're right, the affair kept rolling along. He doesn't want to give her up for any reason right now. He is clinging to what he thinks is a "good friendship"

This is very very dangerous. My WH said that all the time after his first A, I did not follow MB principles and did nothing to assure a good R. He just wanted to come back to the M and pretend nothing had happen.
3 years down the line he had his 2nd A and the M ended...

Go to plan B.

Example of letters have been posted many times but it is also in the book SAA
If no one posts one now I will find the one I send my WH and post it for you
blessing

Yes, last night he even said the words, "I NEED BOTH of you in my life."