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I have never been in love with my husband. We never should have gotten married. Does this program address that anywhere? I haven't been able to find it, if it does can someone please direct me to that information. I wonder what Dr. Harley says about saving a marriage to someone you've never loved. Thank you.

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How old are you both?

How long have you been married?

Do you have any children?

WHY did you get married?


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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There are two reasons you don't feel in love with your husband:
1) He is not meeting your emotional needs
2) You are interested in someone else

Did you husband ever meet your needs?

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Originally Posted By: jen654

I have never been in love with my husband. We never should have gotten married. Does this program address that anywhere? I haven't been able to find it, if it does can someone please direct me to that information. I wonder what Dr. Harley says about saving a marriage to someone you've never loved. Thank you.

you never been in love with your husband...so was your marriage "arranged"? was it a one night stand and u become pregnant and it was a shot gun wedding?

you were never in love when you were dating him? your heart never fluttered when the phone rang or when he looked into your eyes?

i find that hard to believe...

i just think you've fallen out of love...became busy in your lives and lost that connection...

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Who are you in love with or interested in?

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Originally Posted By: jen654

I have never been in love with my husband. We never should have gotten married. Does this program address that anywhere? I haven't been able to find it, if it does can someone please direct me to that information. I wonder what Dr. Harley says about saving a marriage to someone you've never loved. Thank you.


Dr. Harley has addressed this, though I don't believe he has anything written on this site addressing that topic. A few months ago I asked this question on his radio program. Can he help a couple who has NEVER been in love to fall in love.

His response was that YES he can! He told the story of a couple he knew who had been living together for several years because, financially, it worked out for them. They'd never loved each other. Eventually they decided they wanted to try to love each other. He taught them to fall in love. He said it took them about 3 months to get to where they wanted to be.

The program works because it identifies the steps that ALREADY occur when a couple 'naturally' falls in love.

A couple in love typically does 4 things:

They make each other happy.
They avoid hurting each other.
They spend time together.
They are honest with one another.

Thus, if you do these 4 things, though you have never loved your husband, you can LEARN to fall in love.

So what is the next step?

1. Plan to spend 20 hours a week TOGETHER doing things together. This will not work unless you can devote 20 hours a week to one another initially. So sit down and plan your time. If you have trouble coming up with the time, tell us your schedules, and we can see if we can help you work it out.

What do you do during that time?

2. Meet each other's intimate emotional needs. These are needs that must exclusively be met by your spouse, and they are heavy hitters, so the more you can incorporate them into your Undivided Attention time together, the better. These are: Affection, Conversation, Recreational Companionship, and Sexual Fulfillment.

Now in order to do this you want to be as effective as possible. Complete the Emotional Needs Questionnaire linked in the Basic Concepts. Each of you fill out the forms and let each other know what you're most important needs are and HOW you want them met. Make an effort to meet the intimate ones I listed above during your UA time, and try to consistently hit each other's top 3 emotional needs whenever you can.

You cannot argue Emotional Needs. They just are. Both of you work to meet them as best as you can. Over time you will get better at it.

3. Meeting Emotional Needs is useless if you are hurting one another. Thus, once you finish the Emotional Needs questionnaire, look at the Love Busters Questionnaire. Work to eliminate ALL hurtful behaviors.

If you can do this, you WILL get to where you want to be. It will be difficult at first because you will be learning and training yourselves to new habits and behaviors. It will be uncomfortable and frightening for a while. It will ebb and flow. There will be good days and bad days, there will be progress and regression, but over time you will get the hang of it.

I'd suggest getting the books His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters as they really lay out how to meet needs and avoid hurting one another.

So - the 4 things you need to do:

Spend time together.
Meet each other's needs.
Avoid hurting each other.
Be honest about your feelings, thoughts, desires, and needs - create an atmosphere where you each feel safe being honest.

Yes, this program can help you and your husband fall in love, even if you've never been there before.

ETA: NONE of this will work if you have a new point of comparison. And by that I mean, you will never be able to fall in love with your husband if you're currently in love, or have feelings for someone else. If there IS someone else you are thinking of in a romantic way, end all contact with him, immediately.

Last edited by Vibrissa; 02/14/11 05:32 PM.

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Originally Posted By: Tawandabelle
Who are you in love with or interested in?


Ditto, almost every time I hear that statement, that's the logical follow up question.

But let's assume the best. If you don't love your husband and never have, then leave. Take nothing but the clothes you have. Don't try to take any marital assets, nor any children.

After all, if you promised to love your husband, and by your admission, you never did, you entered the marriage by lying. Your husband should not suffer any loss, financially or as a parent just because you could not be truthful when you took your vows.

So if you want to do the right thing, make sure you take nothing but your half of any marital debt, and your clothes when you tell him you never loved him, and have been living a lie all these years.

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J, I don't know your story, age, or how long you've been married, but about two weeks ago I made pretty much the same statement you did and I've been married 23 years. I wanted to walk away and did not think that I ever really loved my husband. Today was the first day in a long, long time that I decided I want to work towards saving my marriage instead of getting a divorce.

I'm still not ready to talk to him about it, but thats ok because I need to work on myself and do some healing, gain some understanding, and figure out how to do this. If nothing else, I think I will be a better person in the end.

If you want to make your marriage work, then read the articles, they will help if you choose to save your marriage, or for any future relationships you may have if you chose not to. The posts can help too. I started reading His Needs/Her Needs and am 44 pages in.

Pick who you choose to confide in outside of here carefully. Try to find someone who will question your choices, not necessarily disagree, but not always agree either.

I read the posts and articles on divorce too. Both making a marriage work and getting a divorce is a lot of work and takes a lot of time and planning.

Good luck and may you find happiness in the choices you make.


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...

Last edited by jen654; 02/15/11 10:42 PM. Reason: too personal
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Thank you all for your input. Thank you Vibrissa.

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For your health, and quality of life it is far more beneficial to repair a broken marriage than to divorce.

Do you have children? Well they will be affected. Don't have children? Well, your friends and family can and will be affected by your choice to divorce as well;

http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/201...ardy_resea.html

Not to mention, that you are going to have to go through a withdrawal from your spouse;

http://www.businessweek.com/lifestyle/content/healthday/640951.html

That's right, you're...



Then you will be broke;

http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpps/news/study-w...0707-fc_8518209

You will be confused;

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35836868/ns/health-behavior/

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/03/100308132139.htm

You can, in fact, die of a broken heart;

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A11446-2005Feb9.html

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703615904575053443911673752.html

Or, you can suffer from depression... which depresses your immune system and dramatically increases your risk for cancer;

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200312/depression-hurts-the-immune-system

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/DepressionRiskFactors/story?id=4355916

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200401/bad-breakups-cause-depression

Or, you can start here;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

You can learn that love isn't a magical moonbeam, but the response of demonstrating care, and having care demonstrated to you - and that it takes time to build that bond.

As one of the above articles mentions, relationships stimulate the same centers in the brain that addictions do, in the same way addictive substances do. Well, become addicted to your husband!


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I like that post HHH smile


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I too have never been "in love" with my husband. I have been married to him for 24 years and for 24 years I have been trying to figure out how to get out of the marriage without hurting him. It was not an arranged marriage; I was not pregnant; I had no self esteem and thought that he was my only hope to be married and have children. I know better now. My children are grown and in college. I have asked for a divorce but he is devastated. I hate seeing the hurt in his eyes. I once was in love with someone else, so I know I am capable of being in love. How do I end this and convince my husband that it is best to let me go?

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Originally Posted By: Wouldyoucouldyou
I too have never been "in love" with my husband. I have been married to him for 24 years and for 24 years I have been trying to figure out how to get out of the marriage without hurting him. It was not an arranged marriage; I was not pregnant; I had no self esteem and thought that he was my only hope to be married and have children. I know better now. My children are grown and in college. I have asked for a divorce but he is devastated. I hate seeing the hurt in his eyes. I once was in love with someone else, so I know I am capable of being in love. How do I end this and convince my husband that it is best to let me go?


You don't need his permission to go anywhere, however, you can fall in love with your husband if you follow this program. That would be the ideal outcome since he is the father of your children, wouldn't you agree?

Who were you in love with and WHEN were you in love with him? Can you be more specific?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Wouldyoucouldyou
How do I end this and convince my husband that it is best to let me go?


Weird. You don't have to convince him of anything. If you want a divorce just file for divorce. You can get one even if he doesn't think it's best.

Of course, a better course of action for you and your children would be to follow the program here to fall in love with your husband. People do it every day, even with people they have never been in love with. Do it with some guy at work and you'll have an affair. Do it with your husband, and you'll live happily ever after.

My guess is that you really don't want to leave the marriage because it provides you some benefits, so you are making an excuse to yourself that you need to "convince" your husband to "let you go." That way you can stick around and tell yourself that you want out but you can't get out.

It would be far better to take the benefits you've got in your marriage and ADD all the benefits of romantic love.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I too married too quick and still do not love my spouse. Married 18 yrs, have two boys 18, 15. I too was terrified of being an old maid and really wanted babies. He loves me a lot but there just are no feelings towards him whatsoever. In fact, I cringe when he even touches me. I find it hard to be nice because he is all over me all the time. I don't know what to do but we cannot afford to divorce. We would if we could.
I hate hearing that love is a decision when I see couples everywhere holding hands. I never got the butterflies either and wish I had.

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didi, it is entirely possible to fall in love with your husband, even if you have never loved him. The problems you describe are not unusual at all. How would you feel about starting your own thread, and we can talk about it?


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Edited: I noticed didi started her own thread.

Last edited by MrAlias; 07/02/13 07:40 AM.

Me: 57 Her: 54
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I am the husband of a spouse that has told me that she has never loved me the way she thinks she should.We have been married 20 years and have children. I have never read a full circle positive outcome from doing the things Vibrissa said. Does anyone know of a site or forumn that has success stories to share?

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Want 2 understand,

Welcome to MB.

Wed like to hear more about your situation. Please start your own Topic and you will get direct answers to any and all of your questions.

There are thousands of full circle positive outcomes from those that have followed the principles taught here on Dr Harleys website. I suggest you take some time to educate yourself on what we here will guide a poster through. This forum and its posters are dedicated to teaching Dr. Harleys plan.

Start with the good Drs Basic Concepts .


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M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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