Hello,
I've been posting over on MA...but a gal from there suggested I check out MB's forum.

Married 18 years
M- 45
H- 42
OW- 62
3D's-13, 14 and one from PM 22.

6/09 Snooped in H's email and find "inappropriate friendship" with a woman he met in a bar in that same week.
7/09 Reassures me that she is just a friend
8/09 Truth comes out, one night stand in the week he met her, now keeping in "touch" via texts.But still claims only friends now.
9/09 I threaten to move out, demand friendship ends.
10/09-1/10 Things get better,but he sneaks to text OW...gets caught. I snoop through emails, cell records etc.
1/10 Find out H is seeing OW or so called friend on the side, has been all along.
2/10 Although I knew it had been PA, it is now deeply EA.
2/10 ILYBIDLY
2/10 H moves out
3/10 H comes back ILY
4/10 H moves out ILYBIDLY
5/10-9/10 H claims in relationship and a couple with OW.
9/10 H comes back ILY
10/10 Busted at the airport with OW
10/10 Told H to go stay with OW
10/10 H comes back crawling ILY
11/10-1/11 H says "just friends" again..texting OW all the time.
1/11 Tired of the lying and the back and forth, I don't know whether to believe anything anymore and accuse of H's still in EA with OW. Possibly PA by sneaking out to see her. H says it's over with me, ILYBIDLY
2/11 H hasn't moved out but has now stopped coming home. He is not living with OW, but living in another state where he is working out of town. Although he claims that he wasn't seeing OW, just talking to her a few weeks ago...I am now seeing evidence of the affair back in full gear.
2/14/11--Find receipt for Roses sent to both myself and OW. Hers are RED and card is signed "I Love You"..My roses are PINK and card is signed "Love Always"


Anyway...so why am I here and what do I need from this board?

Direction maybe on what to do next. I have told the other board that Plan A is not going to work. This affair has gone on too long to even try a Plan A. I think that I have had done Plan A in the past, not knowing it was called Plan A.

Seeing for my own eyes now, the words that he wrote on her Valentines Card..."I Love You" tells me that I am losing him to her. I didn't use any of the tactics described in SAA...well maybe other than exposing the affair to his family, my family, my kids...I wish now that I had exposed it to her family. Her friends and family just think H is great and have no idea what they are doing. OW was not married, single older woman (20 years older). I had toyed with the idea long ago to do the Facebook exposure to all of her friends/family but didn't. I don't think it would do me any good now. I have now seen pictures where the friends and family have accepted them as OW's boyfriend...and they look pretty happy with his company.

Little do they know that H is bouncing back and forth between us. In October he came home, and told me that it was final, he was done with her...but there was no NC letter sent, nor transparency asked for and he continued to contact and communicate via text/phone with OW. I did know that he had thrown out the "I Love You's" to her, but he always told me that it was just a response and that he didn't really mean it. I actually have a transcript of our chat where he said that things get said (such as an I Love You) in a moment of emotion and that just because he said it to her, doesn't mean he meant it. Well seeing it written on a Valentines card attached to red roses called Pure Passion bouquet, are not a moment of emotion. He is in love.

So where am I at now?? Ready to end it. Ready to go full force PLAN B..knowing that PLAN B is not to manipulate him into coming back. For all I care at this point, she can have him...he is too messed up, and he needs help. I do believe he is addicted to this OW. I do care about him, I do love him...I just can't do this anymore.

How does H feel about me?? Confused. I know he loves me too...he won't say it anymore face to face. Whenever he is around me, all he does is cry and say how messed up he is. Last night, he brought the kids home from having them all weekend and the proceeded to come looking for me since I wasn't home. I own a business, so I took off to go clean it around the same time H was bringing kids home. I was surprised to see H driving into parking lot looking for me. I asked him what he was doing, and he just shook his head and started crying again.

I think H loves 2 women and doesn't know what to do. He is one confused person.

Debating on whether I should thank him for the flowers he did send today.

Debating on what my next move really entails...and how dark I really want to go..for some reason part of me does not want to get nasty about it. I want to be firm, but without being nasty.

H is still missing his family life...Showed up at the house while I was at work and bought all kinds of superbowl munchies and made himself comfortable at the house. I came home from work and joined them, and then after the game he just smiled and waved goodbye to me and left.
The night before SuperBowl, he spent with OW having an nice elegant dinner. (Her pictures are plastered on FB of the two of them at dinner).

I have read half of SAA...need to pick it up and re-read the whole thing again.
I have been reading MB's stuff since last July, so I do know and see a lot of what is going on with my sitch in other stories. The I LOVE YOU just blows it for me though,,,it's just the final twist of the knife.

Last night while in tears, H says that he really is happy just being alone. He has that "feel sorry for me" tone in his voice. He doesn't want to answer to me anymore, says he is tired of my checking up on him, and I am not his mother and he WILL NEVER answer to me. Claims that his affair with OW is 'none of my business'...and that is isn't about if he wants to be with OW or myself, that it's about HIM and what makes him happy.

Your WH is not confused. He wants you and OW.


Of course he says this, he is a cake eater.


Why can't you Plan A then move into Plan B. The problem with your previous Plan A was it was full of Carrot and probably Love Busting.

It sounds like you want to recover your marriage. Is this true?

Trista:

I don't know who you are over on MA.

CK is recommending Plan A. I think Plan B is a BETTER option for you.

Its better to do a good Plan A, then go Plan B. So the wayward one can see what a marriage can be like, before you go Plan B. Your sitch has gone on to long, and no Plan A NOW can get the result that you need.

He likes his cake, and he's eating it ALL THE TIME.

Time to let him get a real taste of what 62YO OW is all about.

And that is a FIRM, Dark plan B.

Take the flowers he delivered today, and return them to him. "As long as you continue to see OW in our marriage, these are a slap in the face."

No more hanging at the house during the SB, or movie night, or any other night at your house. He moved OUT. So keep him out. If visitation night in Tuesday. the kids go to Dads that night. He doesn't hang at your house eating your food, and messing up your life.

Start treating him how he wants to be treated, As Single. Secure your finances and get dark.

LG

You need to expose the truth to her family and friends - that he is married, not divorced and that he hasn't even filed for divorce and neither ahve you. Also tell them that you love your husband very much, are trying to save your marriage but can't do so with a third party in the mix. As them for their help. Their tune may change if they know he is not divorced and truly is still married. You were given this advice previously on MA but ignored it and keep finding excuses not to expose. What are you afraid of? Just get on with it and expose it already.

Hi, Trista,

I'm sorry you're in a position to need MB, but MB is the best place you can be.

Your WH is addicted to the way the OW treats him...not in love with HER! It sounds as if you have probably done a fairly good Plan A, with without applying the stick.

I think you should be making sure that things are set up for you to do Plan B, but understand that Plan B is not a guaranteed that your WH will return home. Plan B is for YOU, so that you are not abused by his shilly-shallying around and back and forth stuff while carrying on an affair. A VERY DARK Plan B will give you PEACE, while he will be having to depend on the 62yo OW to meet all his needs...and she CAN'T do that!

I'm 60yo, and I just cannot fathom being with a man young enough to be my son...I'd be terrified that he would wake up one morning and see every wrinkle, sag, and stretch mark I have!
And, he will see hers, especially if they should get into an argument about something. So...Plan B, and maybe try another few days/a week of a stellar Plan A while applying the stick of Plan A.

I also think you need to broaden your exposure. Copy all of OW's FB contacts into a Word Document, because she will likely blcok your access to her page once you start exposing.

Expose to ANYBODY on her FB Friends list who looks like they might be family to her. Then, expose to her married friends. Give her a little taste of h3!!.

What is MA?

Trista, sorry you find yourself here but you will get good advice. I agree with LG -- Plan B all of the way in your case. As long as he knows that he can go back and forth he will.

No more home visition with the kids. Go to a lawyer and see what your rights are. Is he providing for you financially?

Send him a Plan B letter explaining that you do not want to see him till he has no contact with OW.

Expose expose expose to all of her family and friends. Tell your children and be honest.

20 years yikes! I don't care how good she might look but he is with a crypt keeper. All WS affair down.

Yes, it is true. I feel like he is too far gone. Am I wrong? Do you think with what I have told you so far that it's still salvageable?

My initial idea was to go PLAN A...PLAN A scenario does seem to make more sense with him, and you're right...before it was FULL of love busters. I wanted him to stop talking and communicating with the OW...so for me, here I was trying to work PLAN A...in the kitchen cooking his favorite meals and he would be upstairs texting her. So when I snooped and saw texting going on while I was doing for him, I called him out on it and it probably pushed him more toward her.

I say he is confused, because he doesn't know who he wants...so you really think he wants both? I sometimes feel like he wants her more than he wants me anymore...he has no problem going days without talking to me. He couldn't do that with her. I think he only lasted a couple of days without talking to her. It's so much easier for him to be a jerk and end things with me, yet he can't be the "bad guy" and end things with her.

And I apologize to some of the people who have been reading my thread over on the other board. This is all a repeat thread for them, and I have admitted that I am "jumping all over the place" emotionally. One day I want Plan A, one day I want Plan B, one day I want to be done, the next day I don't want it overwith but I don't want to do any PLAN A OR B, just my own plan. I need direction...I need to figure out IF I am even doing PLAN A right...I will post more questions in a minute.

I am afraid of it backfiring in my face and his completely ending everything with me. At least now, I have the tears and can see part of him missing me. That is what I want...I think in the beginning exposure to her family/friends would have been a great idea. I didn't...I don't think exposing it 2 years after the fact is going to do me any good. I think every WH is different when it comes to exposure. Sure with some of them, it's gonna work..it's gonna end the affair. My exposing it to her friends and family, just makes me look like the bitter wife. Knowing him, it will just push him closer to her. She talks trash about me already...they will have a trash fest about how crazy I am...and I'm sorry it will just backfire.

READ the "carrot & stick" link in my sig line.
Start at the top.
Read all of it.

Trista, if you don't resolve to take the firm action required to end this affair you'll be in this mess indefinitely.

I used to work with a woman whose husband went back and forth between her and his OW for YEARS. As in DECADES. Is that what you want? Because he's liking things just like they are, having both of you filling his needs.

It sounds like you don't really want to do anything to force the end of the affair or to protect yourself and your kids. Am I hearing that right?

Plan A .... all carrot and no stick = no plan at all

NO ONE HERE will advise you that.

You need to go Plan B to save yourself from his craziness.

Expose, some of the vets will help you with this with a better explanation than I can give.

Of course they will talk trash and call you crazy. That is normal wayward babble.

When you expose explain to all that your H has come back and forth to you many times during this period.

Will WH be mad of course -- of being discovered that he is not who he is pretending to be. No all of these waywards are the same and follow the same script. Read all of these stories.

Have a plan.

Plan B letter
Expose to friends and family
Finances protected...

Do not tell him you are exposing just do.

Exposure...

If he get angry, yells, threatens divorce, goes all crazy on you then you did exposure RIGHT!!

If he doesn't care you did it WRONG!

Good luck

Exposure will save your marriage if you do it correctly.

Trista,

So you're willing to have a cake-eater turn you into a doormat rather than stand up and fight for your marriage? Wow!

I am going to quote my good friend Melodylane who is much better at explaining exposure than I could ever hope to be:

"You are probably not going to make it because you are more motivated by fear than a desire to save your marriage. Folks that allow fear and emotion to drive their decisions don't save their marriages. The ones who make it have the ability to set aside their emotions long enough to follow a plan. Those who can't do that, don't save their marriages."

So let me get this straight...although I have exposed it to his family (mother, father, grandmother, brother, step-mother etc) and all of my family (dad, mother, brother,children, even ex-husband) that I should now expose to her family?

I am afraid...but I will do it if that is what it takes.

What does it accomplish though, telling her family (which really is just her sons (3 of them, one of them being same age as H), sons wives, her sisters and their husbands?? I don't know what telling her friends does either, I think this woman already has a reputation that her friends know about.

I did hear through the grapevine that her family was not happy about her bringing H up to the lakehouse for the summer family vacation.

Not being defensive, just asking

Oh and I expose to her family when? After Plan A and before going to PLAN B?

Here is an idea...He is scheduled to go on a trip to Costa Rica with her in March. The trip is for her sons wedding. He didn't tell me about the trip. I snooped in his emails and found the itinerary sent from OW. I confronted him about it, and he told me that he was only going because she kept hounding him to go and because her son was getting married. So maybe I should expose just before the Costa Rica trip. Wouldn't that be fun for everyone going?!!

I just keep thinking that blood is thicker than water and these people will stand by OW and think I am a nutcase emailing them all like this. I have heard that the children would never go against mother, as they might be written out of the million dollar will.

Trista, yes I would suggest you expose it the OW's entire family. If they know he is a married man, they may have some objections about that and do something to end the affair. If she has a facebook account, I would expose that way. We have a sample letter for you.

Before you do that, I would strongly suggest you go into Plan B. You have been competing with the OW now for almost 2 years. Dr Harley recommends about THREE WEEKS of that before going into a dark Plan B. You are WAY overdue.

What has been happening here is that you have been unknowlingly propping up the affair by making yourself available to your H and meeting some minor emotional needs. Seem the OW meets 1-2 top needs so you have essentially been propping him so he gets ALL his needs met. Like someone else mentioned, he is not confused at all, he has chosen you BOTH.

And in the meantime, you become and more unattractive by allowing him to beat you down emotionally with his abuse. His affair is about as abusive as it gets and you have now been tolerating this for almost 2 years.

I suggest you take your life back in your hands today. Shut him down. Send him a Plan B letter, change your locks and don't let him get through to you unless and until he meets these conditions:

1. ends all contact with the OW for life

2. never spends the night apart from you again

3. affair proofs your marriage and take extraordinary precautions to protect you

4. commits to a program of recovery designated by YOU

Unless he commits to all those items, you have no marriage. You have nothing to lose by holding out for very high standards. If he agrees to those, you have a marriage. If not, then you have lost nothing.

But what you are losing as a result of his abuse is your emotional and physical well being. No one should be enduring this kind of abuse for this long.

TristaB, the purpose of telling all of the people in OWs life about the truth of the affair is so your WH and OW's affair will be out in the open and they won't be able to lie to people about how they met, etc. I never understand how people can have affair partners at their wedding, the day that they are starting their new lives, and allow them to taint that special day.

You should expose this as soon as you can get the info on ALL of the people who you want to expose to so this can be done on the same day.