they do say that, very often. My WH did before ending his first A. You can almost write a textbook on how they behave. And almost for sure, if you do not do a good R now, your WH is heading for A # 2 very soon.
blessing

Yes, well my thinking that I could let him be friends with her, really backfired on me. Here I was thinking I was being selfish by not allowing him to continue what he says "was just a friendship." I really got down on myself for not being able to be that kind of person who could let my H have a friendship with a woman, without being jealous. Even after I knew the A was physical in the beginning and I used to get so angry with him for texting her and calling her as soon as I left for work, and he would get so mad back at me for grinding him about it, and I heard the words "friendship" for months! "Oh she's such a good friend, she's so intellectual, we can talk for hours about everything and we have so much in common...and she is intriguing and her family is intriguing" and on and on and on. Well now he is in love with that person, who he is still telling me "what a GOOD friend she is" (puke).

Yes Melody...I did...that is why I said what I did say last night to him. I want to compose the letter today. I need help writing it. Costa Rica is only 5 weeks away...

Yes, again I heard that before from my WH.
The "in love" stuff is difficult and your WH is not at a stage where he is repentant. He wants both of you.
Till he decides what to do he is going to be very hurful to you.
YOu need to protect yourself from his madness. It is not love he has for OW, it is madness, addiction and fog.

Blessing

I asked him if he was still going to Costa Rica, and he said he "didn't know"...I said "I knew you were going to say that, you are so predictable"
So then I said "so what's stopping you from going, work related?" and he says "why don't you tell me since I'm so predictable" and I asked "is it me?" and he just says "Sure"..again...not very clear answers.

He really doesn't want to talk about it at all, in fact he changed the subject pretty quickly after this conversation. That conversation above, was via text.

So then I called him...

It started out with my questioning him about how he feels about OW. I asked him if he was in love with her..and all he could tell me after a 15 second pause was "I might be" (sounded like a mouse trying to squeak that out over tears)

Then I proceeded to tell him that I loved him, but will not put up with his having both of us in his life. This is where he said "but I NEED BOTH of you in my life.

I asked him "why" and he said "he didn't know why"..

The friendship factor with her was in the conversation...I asked him if he could really end it with her and come home and be a family again, and he said "I don't know" (he says I don't know to everything)

This is where I started saying that I am not going to take the "I don't know's" for answers anymore and that I need real answers and real actions or I won't be in his life anymore."

He got VERY upset and said "why? Why do you want to keep me totally away from you..why do you say that" and I just said "it's not right...it's not right that you are getting something emotionally from both of us." I said "we are your family, we love you, we want you to come home and be back in our family. You have never given our marriage a chance since you met OW. I could do everything I could ever think of and it wouldn't keep you away from OW, because you refuse to give that up"

It got to the point where he was only crying on the phone, only listening to me while I talked. I got tired of listening to him cry, so I just said "I'll let ya go" and that was that.

A couple of things I want in my Plan B letter, I want to address Costa Rica and if he gets on that plane...

another thing I would like to address in Plan B letter, is making her take ALL pictures of him and her together OFF of her facebook page.

there are other things I want in my Plan B letter, I will try to think of them.

Where does he live? You can not go into plan B veryeasily with someone who lives with you.

Do you have an IM?

How will you support yourself during this time?

You do not do a proper plan B flying off the handle. Slow down.

Don't say anything about the pictures on OW's facebook page.

You can't control her page and, hopefully, neither can your husband someday...(even if your husband wanted to respect your wishes...if he tells/asks OW to do it because YOU said he must...I doubt she'll do it for him...why would she unless it benefits her somehow)

AND

You'll just be letting OW know she's successfully getting under your skin.

OW is NOT your competition. She's a whoore. She's your enemy and the enemy of your family.

Mr. Wondering

Hi Atena, Yep that is how it pretty much happened in the last "false recovery"...H came home and wanted to pretend like nothing happened. This was before I found any sort of MB forums. I didn't know what to do back then. Now I do, and yes I am ready to go PlanB. I have never felt more in control of what I want and what I plan to do to get it. Every time I allow him to go back and forth between us, he just gets deeper emotionally into her. I do realize that Plan B is not going to manipulate him into coming back nor will it be guaranteed that he will ever come back. Plan B for me, is really to move on, and stop letting his affair be part of my life. I don't even want to hear anymore about her or him or what they are doing, or where they are flying to next.

Why don't you start working on your letter and let us take a look at it?

thank you for clarifying that...Yes, I don't want her to know anything about how she gets under my skin.

This sounds like a person ready for plan B

Very True...DON'T send the Plan B letter tonight.

Plan B needs to be coordinated and timed. Although the "timing" seems right (after he tells you on the phone he needs both of you) the "coordination" part doesn't seem ready.

Once you Plan B...you MUST go dark. Especially in your situation where you husband has been cake eating for over a year. He's NOT going to believe it and he's going to fight to break your darkness. Coordination means cutting off his most likely reasons to break no contact with you PRIOR to implementing Plan B. Things like contact over the kids, money, taxes, etc. need to be worked out. Joint accounts CLOSED or otherwise handled such that he won't have any reason to contact you.

Mr. W

Where does he live? Well for the last 8 mos he has been living M-F in California, because he is working on a construction project there. His company pays for an apartment that he lives alone in near the job site. Then he would come home on the weekends. During the affair time, he had moved out (took only his clothing and nothing else) and went to stay with a male friend, then he came home again, then he left again...this time he went to stay with OW..then he couldn't stand being around her 24/7 on the weekends, so he would leave her house and go try to kill time doing something else. He has told me in the past that he is uncomfortable staying in her home with her. He says he feels like he is in her way...like she has things to do and he's just sitting around. He said she got mad at him one day cause he sat around all day on a Sunday and watched John Wayne movies and was a couch potato. So he definitely would NOT move in with her. I almost know that is 100% sure. He likes dating her, without having to live with her. That is why he is afraid to lose his family life...he has told me before that "WE (me and the kids)are the only stability he has in his life."

So up until about 6 weeks ago, he 'was' living at home...just on the weekends. He 'was' acting like he was happy to be home and back into the swing of family life, mowing the yard, taking care of the pets, taking care of the pool, taking kids to school, bringing me lunch. It was only when I called him out on a morning where he got up early (4:30) to go to the gym and never came home before going off to a class that he was in town for. The class began at 8 am and he told me that he got showered and dressed at the gym and THEN went to class. I called BS on it. He has NEVER got showered and dressed at the gym since I've known him. I can almost guarantee he went to her house after he went to the gym, then showered at her house and then went to class. Since that day, he hasn't been coming home on the weekends anymore. He has stayed away. He came in to town on Jan. 31, the night before my youngest daughters birthday and stayed in a hotel, even though I asked him to stay at the house. I am sure has probably stayed with her a few weekend nights since then because he has gone MIA on some of the weekends, since the gym morning.

How will I support myself during this time? H has already agreed that he will continue to pay mortgage, utilities, and put money into our joint account for groceries etc. He has never wavered on this in the 2 years of the affair. This is the least thing I am worried about. My name is not on the house, so if he lets it go...that is his problem. I have my own business, and I already pay for the lease on that as well as my car payment and car insurance. If he pulled the house out from under me, I would just go get an apartment. I make good money on my own. I will let him pay for everything as long as he wants to, and maybe try to stash some of it out of the joint account as he makes deposits.

What is an IM?

My biggest problem is going to be with the kids. They are teenagers ages 14 and 15 (girls)...The older one, knows everything. She knows about Costa Rica, she knows about the roses sent to both myself and OW yesterday. She asked me last night what I talked to 'dad' about...I told her that I am going to put an end to his coming around here, showing up while I'm at work and making himself comfy, coming around on holidays to get his "family" fix...not gonna do it anymore and she just smiled. My 15 year old has been telling me to do this all along. I told her that it doesn't mean that she can't love her father and see him...I said "this is about not letting dad think he can see both me and OW" it has nothing to do with you kids. So 15 year old won't be a problem...she is actually very supportive. It's my 14 year old who is stuck to daddy like glue. This kid is not going to like not having daddy in her home to snuggle with while watching tv. I have never seen a child so close to one parent as she is to him. Throughout the affair, she has taken her fathers side. She has said some ugly things to me, including when I try to discipline her, "that's why dad doesn't like you!" H has introduced my 14DD to the OW. In fact, during the summer...H took 14DD to the movies with OW. 14DD said she was really uncomfortable with dad's surprise move..that he did not tell her OW was even going with, they just stopped off at her house and picked her up. Also, during the time H was staying the weekends with the OW, he picked up my DD14 and took her over to the OW's house to go swimming. OW was so happy to have her at her house, even took pictures of H and DD14 in the swimming pool laughing and having fun.

I think I need to sit DD14 down and explain to her, why I am doing PlanB. I won't call it that to her, but she needs to know why I am doing this and to help with not letting dad in the house. It's going to hurt her though to see her dad hurt that he can't come in the house.

I will wait to send out PLAN B letter. I actually think I should type it up and then print and put in an envelope and hand it to him?? what do you think?

Trista --

Get this affair exposed IMMEDIATELY.
No more game playing and trying to ruin his Costa Rica trip.

Get it done today.

Contact her sons or daughter-in-laws personally by phone and explain who you are. And ask them for their help in saving your children's family.
Expose to all of her facebook friends and family. Slowly, you need to send a few at a time so that you don't get spam-blocked by facebook. Print out a copy of all of her friends first, because she will likely block you when it starts coming at her.

An IM is an intermediary. When you go into Plan B, your husband will not be allowed to contact you directly anymore. No more phone calls, no more text messages. Anything he needs to communicate goes through the IM. This protects you from lovebusting him, and makes him get ALL of his emotional needs met by OW (who will FAIL).

Do not wait to give him the letter.
Give it to him sooner than later.

It is a personal love letter -- so make sure it is handwritten.

Your kids are old enough to deal with him directly.
You do not need to be involved, and you are not responsible to make sure he has a relationship with his daughters. That is his job. He can call them. He can make arrangements with them.

I would put your foot down about him bringing them around OW.

And honestly our finances have really always been separate anyway.

His name is not on my business...nor my business checking acct.
He has his own checking/savings and I have my own checking and savings, and then we have a joint account that only "I" have used for the past 14 years...I don't think he even has a debit card for it nor checks. He only uses it to deposit money into from his checking account, so that I can go buy necessities for the house and/or kids.

Taxes---we file separately.

Kids--he can see them when he is in town...however....they must be picked up and dropped off. No staying at the house to visit with.

Wow, he has really normalized his behavior and you have allowed it.

Set them down now and let them know it is illegal to be married to two people for a reason so it is immoral to behave that way. Don't talk bad about him but let them know the vows you took and how it feels when he breaks them. Apologize for exposing them to this and let them know it is going to stop.

I think the discussion you had with your 15 year old was great as far as it shouldn't impact their relationship with their father.

BTW, IM means intermediary. It is the go between who filters info regarding your kids and finances. In plan B you are to have no anecdotal info regarding his or the OW's life (this means from your kids as well). The IM just gives you pertinent info necessary to parent your children or control your finances.

"Hey honey I miss you. The girls and I had a great time. We got ice cream and played miniature golf. Remember how we used to do that?" Unfortunately DD15 had an allergic reaction to the ice cream and is now on meds for a week. I am sending them with her along with my love.

Turns into...DD15 on meds for allergic reaction...info on the bottle.

So now you have your list,

expose to her side
reexpose to your side
talk with kids
get an IM


Good luck

Your 14 year old is your rebellious child. Rebellious children/teenagers LOVE waywards because waywards are nothing more than adult rebellious teenagers.

She doesn't need to be in on the decision to Plan B her dad. She's 14, she can arrange her own visitation. I also wouldn't let her know the whole plan b thing is....tell her nothing more than what you tell your husband (that is: I love you but continued contact hurts too bad. I am willing to reconcile but only under certain conditions...until then I want no contact whatsoever with you). You TELL dd14 that dad isn't welcome in the home anymore and not to let him in. Don't ASK....TELL.

Mr. W