Its been 2 months with no contact. We've grown closer than ever.

I wish I knew the signs of being able to tell if my WH is still in withdrawal. I'm anxious for recovery but don't want to jump the gun.

Communication is better than ever as well. The first few weeks after the full DDay communication was WIDE open. Now it seems as though I'm always waiting for just the right time to bring things up. We're still talking but not quite as much. It feels so nice to be "in love" again that I'm afraid of falling backwards. When we talk of something negative it feels like we take several steps back and have to redouble our efforts again to move together in a positive direction.

I recommend that you read the book, "Surviving An Affair"

hhr, no plan is a plan to fail when it comes to marital recovery after an affair. Right now you are on a pink cloud because you are relieved the affair is over. That won't last long and will revert quickly back to a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage. You are both more likely to have an affair NOW than before the affair. So, I would strongly suggest you implement the concepts of this program if you want to turn this around.

It is a very narrow path and very few people really recover after an affair. They just struggle along in a crippled marriage.

Did your husband end ALL contact with the OW? And I do mean all.

here

Has the affair been exposed to your entire family? Have steps been taken so you and your H NEVER see this cousin again? And most importantly, has she been fired?

hhh,

I strongly doubt that this affair of 18 months' duration was EA only. What makes you say that it never went physical?

You were very young when you met H (compared to your H at the time) and now he has an affair with your "much younger cousin". How old is she?

This is his second marriage. How did his first marriage end?

Thank you GloveOil for answering my question so well.

I am currently reading Surviving an Affair.

I am not exactly sure what he should do to make me feel "safe". She is no longer working with us and there's been no contact since in person or via phone. They never did contact online.

It was exposed thoroughly at work and in her branch of our family.

I feel I know almost everything. I thought we had been completely open and honest, there certainly was a lot of it. But the other day I found photos he had taken of her. Nothing adult oriented. He enjoys drawing portraits and wanted to draw her, and so had taken many portrait style photos. He had never mentioned this part before but did not deny when I asked him.

I scanned his computer, found several images and put them in the trash (but did not empty the trash). I told him and explained how I felt. Later I checked his computer and saw he had saved them instead of trashing them completely. I guess I subconsciously was testing him. I told him again what I found and he became very defensive.

A couple days later we had a great discussion and he offered to show me where the remaining photos were located and then we'd trash them out. We did exactly that, but when I scanned his computer afterwards I found that earlier that morning he had buried a few select photos in a file he thought I'd never locate. So I was deliberately deceived. He saw that they were deleted and though he hasn't said anything (because what can he say having been caught lying) he's been cold and distant since.

So I guess all of this answers my question: no he must still be in withdrawal.

We're leaving for an overnight getaway in the morning. We'll talk again and I hope it'll bring us into a positive light again. Its very frustrating when things are going so well and we're getting closer again, and then crap like this comes up.

Thank you again for all of your questions and comments. They have helped immensely!

So here's my story:

During the Spring of 2010 I started to get a feeling that my husband and younger cousin (also our employee) were becoming closer than I was comfortable with. However I never witnessed anything concrete to substantiate that feeling, nothing said or done inappropriately. Our marriage had been struggling for at least a year and I attributed that feeling to my being insecure. Because I did feel insecure. And "my husband or my cousin would never do anything inappropriate to hurt me."

Finally in October he said something that made me realize I wasn't crazy. We had a job to set up at a casino a little over an hour away. He said he wanted her as his assistant so they could play blackjack during the downtime. He enjoys occasionally playing blackjack and I was never interested in joining him, but she had on a few occasions. I suggested a different assistant. He insisted it be her, had in fact planned on taking her when he booked the job several months prior. When I heard that months prior he had planned on taking her instead of me I knew I needed to address this. I wasn't imagining things. They were (or at least he was) getting to close.

I expressed to him that I was concerned he was developing feelings for her that were more than friendship and that she was starting to eclipse me in his heart. Fortunately he was honest and did open up to me. He said that "If I had barked up this tree a year ago I would've been right." He had grown attracted to her and his feelings for her were too strong. However now he felt more of a paternal caring for her. His attraction to her "as a man" had subsided and he just wanted the best for her.

So ironically I was both hurt and shocked but also comforted at the same time.

I then asked how he felt for me. There was a lot more hesitation there. Apparently he had already done a lot of thinking about his feelings for her and not so much for me. He said that he felt he was married to his best friend, but that the passion was gone. He missed the feeling of excitement and thrill of someone "new". Someone he thought about, even obsessed about, everyday. That feeling of falling in love.

I came away from that discussion with the thoughts that I and we needed to work on the passion in our relationship and that alone time with my cousin needed to be avoided. He was fine with that. He said if I was more comfortable choosing a different assistant for him at the casino that would be fine, which of course I did.

Over the next couple weeks I more closely observed both of them and made sure that they were not ever completely alone together. Again neither ever did or said anything inappropriate. I was overtired from not sleeping and working huge amounts of hours. I snapped at her a couple times, nothing major but enough to make me feel awful because she didn�t deserve it. I didn�t mean to, it just came out. (Later on I apologized.)

During these couple weeks we did a job with all 3 of us together. Towards the end of the day I saw him brush a stray hair off her face and said something I couldn't hear. She beamed a smile up at him and I just thought to myself, "How do I compete with that?" She's so sweet, fun, easygoing, does whatever he asks exactly the way he wants, never criticizes or challenges. As his wife and business partner I often had a difference of opinion on many things and also had to regularly remind him of unfun responsibilities. It seemed (and still does seem) so unfair.

This whole situation has been revealed to me by degrees and this was the first partial discovery.

The second partial discovery came 2-3 weeks later:

It was a Sunday morning and just my husband and I were working. As we left to go set up a job my cousin pulled in with rental items she had retrieved from a job the night before. With her was her ex-boyfriend. I had been encouraging her for many reasons to leave him for the past 2 years and she had finally done so a month prior. To see them together made both my husband and I feel disappointed in her. I told my husband I thought she was an idiot for letting her ex back in her life.

Later in the day we found out that she had taken a different male assistant than we had scheduled for her the night before, so we automatically assumed it to be her ex. We were both upset because we had been explicit in saying he was to never be on a jobsite.

On Monday my husband spoke with her pretty harshly. He then learned it was an entirely different male friend and not her ex-boyfriend who had been onsite.

Later on Monday when my husband and I spoke he was still of the opinion that he was disappointed in her life choices and that maybe it would be better if she no longer worked with us. I questioned him on this expressing that since we had found out that it wasn�t her ex onsite after all then why would he think it still best for her to move on. He replied that I should be happy with that choice since I felt as though she had been eclipsing me in his heart.

So I then clarified with him that the reason he felt she should move on is because of his feelings for her. He said in response that he was just too emotionally caught up in her and he couldn�t take it when she made stupid decisions.

That�s when I asked if he had ever told her how he felt about her. Without looking at me he simply said yes and walked away. I was FLOORED. I hadn�t thought she knew. This was now a completely different ballgame.

I am sorry to tell you this, but this wasn't just an EA. This was a full blown PA. The reason that your WH didn't want your cousin to work with you anymore was because he was punishing her for "dumping" him. He was JEALOUS.

The fact that your WH kept hiding pics of your cousin shows why he isn't out of withdrawal, because he is still having CONTACT.

There were some questions that Sugarcane asked you, that I believe you should answer. We need to get a better understanding of your WH to properly help you.\

One of the most important questions that she asked was about your WH's first marriage. How did it end? and was he still married when you met him?

Just trying to figure this out ....

17 year age difference
Married 2004 (7 years ago)

Dating ["together"] since 1998 (13 years ago)
You = 22 years old in 1998
H = 39 years old in 1998

How old is this younger cousin WH has been dating?
When you say "much younger", do you mean younger than you?

"No kids" .... May we assume neither of you wants kids?

Thank you Scotland for responding. I agree with you that jealousy was a very probable component. You may think me naive, but I don't think that they've ever had sex or have had any contact since.

My cousin is 20 years old. Both she and my husband have countless times maintained to everyone that it never went into a full-blown PA. She says that the emotional attachment was entirely on his part. (However she never took any action to put any distance between them.) He admits it was about 80% him and 20% her.

Years ago when I asked my husband why he thought his previous marriage failed, he responded that when you cut through all the bull it basically boiled down to both of them losing appreciation for each other. He never cheated on his ex-wife. However she did cheat on him several times.

They had been divorced for many years when I met him. His exwife was even very gracious and friendly to me on the rare occasions that we saw each other at family events, like graduations and showers.

I'm not able to take the time now, but I will finish up my lil story on my next post.

I hope you're right. No matter, an EA is just as devastating as a PA.

So has ALL contact ended with OW? Your WH needs to send a "no contact" letter to OW, reviewed, approved, and mailed by you. If you're reading "Surviving an Affair" you'll find examples in the book.

You do realize don't you that for you guys to recover that there needs to be absolutely no contact whatsoever with OW forever?

Why haven't you exposed on her side?

Welcome to MB. A place no one really wants to be but where most end up being grateful for finding.

Stick around. Post often. Listen and learn.

Pepperband, yes, your #s are very close, just one year off.

Yes, she is much younger than me: she's 20, I'm 35 and he's 53.

Having a child has been an issue throughout our marriage. Long ago when we were only dating and continuously up til and after our wedding its always been clear that I wanted a child. Before we married he said he was willing to do that for me even though he preferred not to. The first couple years he kept putting it off. Then finally it erupted into an issue. I felt so let down. It definitely has been one of the major reasons why we grew apart.

Princessmeggy - I agree, this EA has been the trial of my life.

Her immediate family has been exposed to. Her Mom, older brother and her older brother's girlfriend, who all live with her.

Other than her branch of the family and everyone at work I have to admit I just don't feel like telling the whole friggin' world. I've never been one to air my dirty laundry to everyone and it even took me a while to warm up to posting here instead of just lurking.

I understand the need for him to have no contact with her forever. The manner in which he handled the photos showed me a whole lot. If photos can cause such havoc then interaction with the real person would be disastrous.

I have to admit with the OW being a close family member its not going to be easy, or maybe even possible for ME to never have contact with her. She and I were/are very close and love(d) each other very much, more like sisters than cousins.

I think that had a lot to do with why she would never let it get to the point of a PA. My husband has admitted that he would have been physically intimate with her but that he thought/felt/knew that it wasn't what she wanted.

Thanks guys :-)

The full discovery came 2-3 days later. When she came in to work she said that my husband had asked that she have a chat with one of us before she started working. (I�m still a little fuzzy on why.)

So she and I went to the park for a couple hours and we both poured it all out. I started to express to her how I was nervous about how my husband�s feelings for her had grown too strong. I didn�t get much out before she started balling. The poor thing, I just held her as she cried and cried. She said the previous summer (15-18 mos prior) she knew he was �crushing� her. That he had told her how he felt for her. (I still don�t know exactly what was said. Not sure if I should?) He had also shared with her that our marriage wasn�t doing well. She was afraid it was because of her. Apparently several times during both summers (our busy season during which they spent a lot of alone time together) he would break down and pour his heart out to her. She said she always told him it wasn�t what she wanted.

I couldn�t believe I was hearing all this! This was way deeper than I had thought.

Towards the end I asked her several times if anything physical had happened. I really really REALLY needed to know. She finally said, �He smooched me once.�

What had happened was, just a couple months back, they had come back to the shop late one night from doing a job. They went to say goodbye. When she raised her cheek for him to kiss he turned her head to smooch her on the lips. She said she then just immediately turned and walked away. She also said that there was a hug that was too intimate.

There was one little story she shared that became more illuminating a few days later during a chat with my husband. She said that when she first started working with him and they were driving in the boxtruck, with a bench seat, that she would sit in the middle next to him, because �you know we�re family and close.� But now she had been sitting as far away as possible right by the passenger door. Although I didn�t like hearing it at the time I didn�t give it too much thought.

I told her that she needed to have come to me and told me. She said a couple times she wanted to but never could. She said that she was afraid we would divorce, the business would close, and all her coworkers would lose their jobs. I felt so bad that she had been carrying this huge emotional burden for so long. She told me that she had told her mom (my aunt) and that her mom felt the same way. I was disappointed to hear that.

I also apologized to her because I was angry at myself for not following my gut. I told her how I thought I was crazy for wondering if my husband liked her too much. That I had never seen anything concrete, nothing said or done inappropriately. I had attributed those feelings to the fact that I felt insecure about my marriage.

I said I never felt any of this emotional burden from her. That I never sensed her discomfort. She said she was �good at acting to protect the ones she loves.� She just wanted to protect me and my marriage.

At the conclusion both of us didn�t know where to go from there. If she should still work with us, take the winter off, or completely look elsewhere. I had never been in this situation before and fessed up to not at all knowing the right course of action. We ended with thinking that maybe it would be more comfortable for everyone if she found another job.

I said, and she agreed, that although he had been so very wrong and inappropriate that it wasn�t something he and I couldn�t work out and recover from.

She agreed that although his actions were WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, he was not an evil man. That he was a good person who had made a HUGE mistake.

HHH, I am sorry but the ONLY way I would believe that an 18-month EA didn't go physical was if verified by a poly.


I am sorry but this is nothing to hang your hat on. It is well documented that adulterers will lie lie and lie some more. Given that OW is a family member, she probably would want to convince you it was an EA even moreso than a regular OW. I wouldn't bother trying to talk to her anymore but instead would ask your H for a poly...

You said this was when you first realized something was happening, so this was presumably towards the end of the 18 mo "EA".

OW told you she was being pursued by your H and he had kissed her and hugged her, all unwanted advances, right? This does not match the above statement. When I was 20, if I was being pursued by a 53 yr old family member for over a year, I would not beam up at him. You would probably see terror or disgust in my face.

HHH, this OW is not telling you the truth. She liked his advances and this was not one-sided the way she is making it seem to you.

ITA with Susie. HHH, I think a polygraph is a wise more for your sitch. This OW sounds waaaaay too Pollyanna for this 18 month A. I think she's eliminating info that might make you upset with her.

Don't back down as far as the job goes. She needs to get out of there, post-haste. One more day of employment is one day too long.

How does one go about getting a polygraph? I've only ever heard of them as administered by police in a criminal investigation. Has anyone ever done one of these with successful results?