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Hello, I am new here, my short version of events: Been together with my husband for 8 yrs now, married 3 of those years. Separated for 6 months (from Oct 2009-April 2010)He had a PA with an ex-gf back in Feb 2007, worked it out, while separated he contacted the OW (ex-GF) and tried to get back with her, he confessed his undying love to her and told her that there was three of us in the marriage because he never stopped loving her. Any way, he contacted her while we were separated and I guess she gave him the run around, he found out she was with another man and then decided to come back to me. While all this was happening he also tried to get with a co-worker of his. She I guess was not into him. Now that we are back together I found out that he is still sending his co worker some cute little emails through their work email. How do I stop them from developing an actual affair? She was going through a divorce at the time and I guess now she reconciled with her H, not sure about this but the online records show that she filed for a divorce and that's it, it does not show that it was finalized, my H says that shes back with her H but I am not sure if I should believe that. I am afraid to expose her to the H because I'm afraid if they separate then my H will go after her full force! frown I have the guys name but no other info that I can find anywhere. My H also sent a "wishing you a good new years eve" msg to the ex-gf in 2010 which is 8 months after we got back together! Does that mean he still love her? Should I just get out of the picture so they can be happy together? I want to save my marriage and I still love him, but should I be with someone that is in love with someone else? Please help! PS: When he got back with me he said he was lonely frown

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Lots and lots of trouble frown and sadness for a 3 year marriage.
Do you really expect to change your husband's character and preferred lifestyle?

Methinks this is a very sad but accurate portrait of your relationship with WH:
Quote
I am afraid to expose her to the H because I'm afraid if they separate then my H will go after her full force!

Are you prepared to live in fear for the sake of your marriage?
Are you prepared to sweep future problems under the rug out of fear that your WH might react irresponsibly to the truth?

Your WH knows you are living in fear.
Fear controls you.
WH can control you by creating situations where you are too fearful to do whatever is necessary.

What say you?

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START HERE .... The Basic MB Concepts

WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS

The forum is slow on Sundays.

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*LINK* to THREAD for new posters .... This is a HUGE gift to you from Scotland. PLEASE take advantage of all her hard work.

START from Page ONE!

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Welcome to SaS, Eleonor. I'm sorry to hear of theses events.

I have bumped the thread "Thread to help newly betrayed posters" for you. Please read the first few posts especially, and answer the questions there. People will need to know a bit more about your situation before they can give good advice.

Do you have children? Ages?

Without any children in your marriage, people here may well advise you to leave. It sounds as if your H's first affair came about 18 months after you married, and since then there has been a new OW, and continued contact with the first; is that correct? If so, 3 affairs in 3 years, starting little over a year of marriage, suggest that your H's views of marriage and fidelity might be very different from your own. This might be ideal opportunity for you to leave a marriage to someone whose attitude makes him a poor prospect.

Having said that, if you wish to stand a chance of rebuilding this marriage, OWH must be told of the affair. Not only does he have the right to know about it, but by keeping it secret you are actually helping the affair continue. If OWH knew of it, the affair would have to stop in order for her to live under his roof again. He will not tolerate his wife's open involvement with another man.

Also, think about what you said:

"I am afraid to expose her to the H because I'm afraid if they separate then my H will go after her full force!"

The implication of that is that you would rather let them continue their affair if it means that you and he can stay together. Is that REALLY what you mean? Are you prepared for your H to have affairs if that means you can keep him? If so, then there is nothing to be done other than tolerate the situation.

If you want a proper, committed, faithful, intimate marriage then you will have to inform OWH right away. Do not threaten or warn either H or OW that you will be informing. Just send the email or make the call, being sure that you cannot be intercepted.

One more tip, Eleonor: break up your text into short paragraphs, like mine. That makes your post much easier to read and follow.

Last edited by SugarCane; 02/13/11 10:03 AM.

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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Your thread title:

How do I stop an affair? I need help!

Step one is to stop reacting in fear.
Step two is to begin acting with courage.

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An old-timer Star*Fish said it best:
.... and I quote ....

Quote
It is the fear that paralyzes you, sends blood rushing through your veins, sours your stomach, and interupts your sleep. It is the fear that gives away your power, your hope, and your forgiveness. It is fear that robs you of the active self and traps you in the role of patronizing enabler who will take them back at ANY cost...even if the price is too high. It is fear that keeps you from confronting and exposing. And fear that prevents you from enforcing your boundaries and having compassion for yourself.

Fear of abandonment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of reaction....yours, theirs.
Fear of future...the unknown.
Fear of destitution and want.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing.
Fear of loss.
Fear of solitude.
Fear of settling.
Fear of change.
Fear of lack of change.
Fear
Fear

Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limpic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".

There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our indentity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.

MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security.

You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one.

Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.

If you don't believe you CAN survive without your WS....you cannot do what you must do to ensure success.

Stop being fearful of their threats...they are just excuses to leave or be selfish.

Stop being fearful of their reactions....their reactions arise from their guilt...not your boundaries.

Stop being fearful of taking a stand....it's the only way to gain respect or trust.

Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.

And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble chere.

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There is not much chance that your marriage will change unless your husband is willing to make radical changes in his destructive behavior.

Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on your husband's willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed.

So it comes down to this: is he willing to make radical changes in his life? If not, you are wasting your time and would be better off without him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I would definitely expose to the boyfriend/husband of the original OW. However, I think that more snooping is in order before exposing to the husband of the co-worker. Here's why:

Originally Posted by Eleonor
While all this was happening he also tried to get with a co-worker of his. She I guess was not into him.

Before exposing, I would find out as much as possible about this woman. Print out those questionable emails and store them safely away. Does your WH know you have access to his email? If not, you will need to protect your source or he will change his password. Does the co-worker respond to his emails? If so, print those out, as well.

You should put a keylogger on your home computer, put a voice-activated digital recorder in his vehicle, and put spyware on his phone if it is possible to do this.

However, if choosing to expose NOW, I would take those emails to the co-worker's huband and simply say to him:

"My husband has cheated on me in the past, and I am concerned that he may be cheating again. I know that he wanted to have an affair with your wife, although I don't know if he did or not. I do know that he is sending flirtatious emails to her. I would appreciate your help with this situation."

I am leery of exposing to a spouse without absolutely KNOWING that that spouse's partner is guilty of an affair.

I think that, right now, you should snoop, snoop, and snoop some more. Do NOT let your WH know that you are snooping!


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

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Also, ditto to what MelodyLane posted.



"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

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Thank you all for your input....SugarCane,thank you for the tip.

@ Pepperband, yes there is lots of trouble and sadness in my marriage and no, I guess I don't really expect to change my H
character and preferred lifestyle....I came here for help, I came here because I thought this was a pro-marriage site. And I wanted to see if there was anyone here that can help me.

I want to save my marriage, yes it has only been 3 yrs since we got married, but we have been together for 8, to me the minute I moved in with him, I was married. Call me old fashion I guess. I am not prepared to live in fear in order to keep my marriage, again I thought that here someone that maybe has been where I am could help me by telling me what they've done to turn their marriage around.

The answers to the questions on the link:
I am 48 yrs old my H is 52
I have three adult daughters from previous marriage, they are all married
He has 3 kids all adult and married also.
I have been married 3 yrs but together 8
It his third marriage and my fourth.
My WH met the OW before me, she is an Ex-GF
OW#2 is a co-worker of his.
I discovered the PA 3 and a half years into me living with him, I think it started shortly after I moved in.
I found out the PA when I got suspicious that I could never catch the phone bill to check on something
and I knew something was up because it kept disappearing, sure enough, he was texting her around 100 times a month!
Confronted him, he promised to change, to have no contact and we got married and there was no contact, but apparently
he never stopped loving her.

@SugarCane, I really don't know when the first PA started, I found out in 2007 and from what I gathered (OW words) he would text off and on through the 3 and a half years of me being with him, he never told her he had a woman living with him. It stopped when I confronted him.

Then he started texting her in OCT 2009, that's when he told her through an email that I read that he was still in love with her. and because of the contents of the conversation, I could tell they were not in contact since he told me he would stop....so I guess that's a good thing right?

The "new or #2 OW is a co-worker of his, he started pursuing her While we were separated......from the phone records and a eblaster he pursued her and texted her several times but she only answered one of his emails and one of his texts and only because it was Christmas, she knows me she knows he is married and she is married too, ironically just got back with her husband.

I don't know for sure or I should say, I don't think they are having an affair yet, or else she would have gone after him when he was separated from me, that's why I had put on my initial statement "how do I stop them from having an affair" Also I don't want to expose yet because I dont know for sure. But I will if I ever find out with out a doubt that there is one. The OW#2 left her H and filed for divorce, they are back together but I really don't think he is going to be much help for me.

@Melodylane, that is the million dollar question! You are so right, and I knew this, before posting here, I was hoping that someone here would have had an answer or advice on how to proceed.

@Lady_clueless, yes I agree with you and I am doing just that, I am trying to find out all I can about these 3 women that have my H attention I do have eblaster on our home computer, plus I have his email password for his emails at home and work and his facebook page. I agree, I need to snoop a lot more before exposing to the OWH.

There is a third woman, is a new receptionist at the dealer ship where he works at, she is cute, young and blond with big boobs, lol I had to throw that in, she is also only 23 yrs old, he is forwarding cute emails with sayings, like the ones we always get ourselves on the emails but, what is he doing...a married man....53 yrs old....emailing privately a young girl her age at her private email???????? Argggggghhhh!

I hope I broke it down better for you all.
Thank you Ladyclueless for that example of how to talk to the other WH, at was at a loss of how to do it, when and if I have to.

Should I bring this to the managers attention at his work? anonymously of course.

Thank you all for your replies, I have read all this website now it seems from top to bottom.

How do I expose with out WH knowing that I have his work email password??







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Quote
to me the minute I moved in with him, I was married. Call me old fashion I guess.
Can't do it - old-fashioned women would never consider living with a man without marrying him first. crazy


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That's it?! Out of all that, that's all you pick up on and that's your response? Wow!

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Quote
How do I expose with out WH knowing that I have his work email password??

You have enough evidence, don't you?

Expose to everyone the same day.
Expose once you have proof.
You have proof.

BEFORE exposure, I HIGHLY recommend you put a GPS on his vehicle so you will KNOW where he drives after exposure.

Let us know when you have placed the hidden GPS. THEN expose away.

After that, your WH will probably be be madder than a wet hen.

Let me share something with you by asking myself a question.

Was my H madder than a wet hen after exposure?

No, he was not.
And you may ask "Why not?"

Because he was acutely aware that I was fully prepared to kick his lying/cheating/adulterous azz to the curb, that's why.

He KNEW he better make changes pronto.

Why was he so ready to do that?

Because I had been a really good (not perfect) wife for 14 years.

If YOU have been a really good (not perfect) wife, consider that part of your "carrot" of Plan A.

Ditto the "old fashioned girl" observation of maritalbliss.






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E:

This line is the most troubling:
Originally Posted by eleonor
I have been married 3 yrs but together 8
It his third marriage and my fourth.

I find this to be very troubling. Marriage has been created and ended 7 times between the two of you. For whatever reason.

Disposing of a marraige partner is ALOT easier than working through the problems that a marriage has. Maybe, you have come to the realization that YOU ARE broken, and you came to MB to see if you can break the cycle.

I certainly hope you have. I am NOT trying to club you here. I have been married once. I had a FOOT out of my marraige EVERY DAY for the first 15 years, and for 4.5 years, I was IN an affair. So understand where I am coming from.

IF you can break your own cycle, and FIND a way for your WH to understand his OWN cycle, that MB can be great for you.

MB may work its most magic on YOU. Understand where you own behaviors and habits are out of whack. You were not "Married" the day you moved in with your future Husband. That isn't "old-fashioned". "Old-fashioned" would be wait till you were married to move in. (Disclosure, I lived with my wife for two years before marrying) Flamingo would tell you that BEFORE the marriage, it was a better relationship, EVERYTHING changed with the wedding.

MB helped me to fix that "Foot Out" syndrome. We ended up with a much better marriage, by using the things from HNHN, and SAA, and things like POJA, and PORH. EVERYTHING changed again with the discovery of my affair.

Are you willing? Are you willing to look inside yourself and fix the things that will make you a quality marriage partner in the future? So that THIS can be your last marriage?

I "get" your WH. Totally. He isn't here. I can't talk to him. And if he isn't ready to make the change that he needs to make, then the rest doesn't matter.

Sorry you have to be here. Much work needs to occur.

(((E)))

LG


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Quote
The answers to the questions on the link:
I am 48 yrs old my H is 52
I have three adult daughters from previous marriage, they are all married
He has 3 kids all adult and married also.
I have been married 3 yrs but together 8
It his third marriage and my fourth.
My WH met the OW before me, she is an Ex-GF
OW#2 is a co-worker of his.
I discovered the PA 3 and a half years into me living with him, I think it started shortly after I moved in.
I found out the PA when I got suspicious that I could never catch the phone bill to check on something
and I knew something was up because it kept disappearing, sure enough, he was texting her around 100 times a month!
Confronted him, he promised to change, to have no contact and we got married and there was no contact, but apparently
he never stopped loving her.

Just in case we need this later..

You married husband #4 AFTER you discovered that he'd had a (3 ? year ?) PA while living with you?

Am I reading this right?

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Originally Posted by Eleonor
That's it?! Out of all that, that's all you pick up on and that's your response? Wow!
Do you not understand the difference between living together and committing to each other in marriage? I suspect you don't.

However, your WH seems to understand that living together doesn't have quite the glue that marriage does:
Quote
I discovered the PA 3 and a half years into me living with him, I think it started shortly after I moved in.


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LG .... Maybe she has been widowed 3 times???

It's POSSIBLE. TEEF

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Normally, we recommend the Harley book Surviving An Affair.

But in your case, I think THIS BOOK - Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders is more appropriate. *link*

Seriously, a fantastic book.
You will have your eyes opened.
It will illuminate past errors in order to avoid the same errors in the future.

You came for advice, this is mine.
BUY/READ this book.

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
LG .... Maybe she has been widowed 3 times???

It's POSSIBLE. TEEF

Pep, than I ain't drinking anything at the table that I haven't prepared!

Just Kidding.

My point is the same.

LG

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