Post the letter...

from your story...

the timing is right now...


NEED INTERMEDIARY PLUS A GOOD LETTER.

Let's go.

Mr. W

His name is on everything....telephone, water, power, alarm, cable, etc. I chose not to ever have my name listed alongside his on anything bill related. He told me in the past, that I could 'have' the house. I need to see if I can get it quit claimed as I am not on the loan. Quit claiming doesn't take his name off of the loan, nor does it put my name on it...all quit claiming does is tell the banks who the house goes to after it's paid off.

I am his beneficiary on ALL of his life insurances (I think there are 3) and he says he will never change that. This is not a defiant man, this is a sad, miserable, I've messed up my life man.
He's not He** bent on taking everything away from me...the more he feels guilty the more he spends and pays for. He just paid the entire credit card bill that I put mine and the girls cruise on..He also just paid my ER bill and pays for mine and the kids health insurance. Yeah, he might get PO'd with my conditions of PlanB...but it will only hurt himself...cause if he takes anything away, I will just go get my own place..then he really won't ever have a "home" to come home to after the affair. He'll just have an empty shell of what used to be home.

So in my plan B letter do I tell WH to contact his children to set up their own visitation?? What would I need an IM then for?

@Trista -

Your WS is totally ready to POP.

What are you going to do until Plan B?

IMHO, I would suggest that you Plan A your azz off.

This means you have to GIVE, GIVE, and GIVE.

I would also stop all talk about the Affair and also all relationship talk.

You want to feed him so much cake he becomes the cake. Then Plan B.

CK...I know this!!! I can feel it...I felt it last night when he was boo hooing like crazy, and I was the strong one..no tears coming out of me! He is ready to EXPLODE! He told me that he thinks about this situation "everyday".

I would like to post a transcript of our skype messaging back on Oct. 22nd when he was busted in the airport with her. It will be copied and pasted into the next message. THIS skype transcript is where I thought I was getting through to him. The night I busted him in the airport, I WAS STRONG. I was PO'd but boy was I telling him where he wasn't coming home to. He is the one who contacted me 2 days after his miserable weekend with OW. Transcript to follow.

Hope this helps give you an understanding of the role of the intermediary.

It's who all communications with your WH have to go through. Such person will filter out all the nonsense and, if a questions is pertinent and relevant, forward only that question to you. It puts a buffer between you and your husband such that:

1. You can begin to heal
2. He can learn what life is like without you

MB Intermediary Training School Thread

Mr. W

Trista --

Its important to understand that there is nothing you can SAY that will get through to him. Betrayed wives (BW) often think that if they just SAY the right thing, their Wayward Husbands (WH) will just STOP the affair and come right home.

That doesn't happen. What you need to do is make the affair UNCOMFORTABLE. So far, you've done the opposite. You've made it quite comfy for him to have BOTH of you.

And you let him come back with no requirement that he change all his bad behavior that got him into the affair to begin with.

So your Plan B letter needs to spell out the changes he will be required to make and sustain before you will reconcile.

@Trista -

But at some point you must stop giving and let WS make a decision. That is why Plan B is so important. It lets you set the requirements for YOU to work on recovering the marriage. You've been through FR (False Recovery) before, so it is critical that you set these requirements high.

Some of the reasons that you've had FR is because you may have set the bar too low. Also you were not willing to enforce your boundaries.

So in your Plan B letter you need to be very particular about the requirements and how they help with your boundaries.

Trista,

First off, let me say that this relationship is a little twisted to say the least. I'm 56 and cannot imagine having a relationship with someone your husband's age. Like someone else here said - too many wrinkles. And droopy boobs. And saggy guts. And gray hairs. And on and on. I don't care how good she looks from afar, SHE'S STILL 62. Face it, men age better than women, so the younger-guy-older-woman thing just doesn't work that well.

Listen, you need to do your husband a favor and end this thing for him. Do you really think he wants to be tangled up with this woman? NO. She'll be in a nursing home when he's just getting ready to retire and enjoy life. It happened for whatever reason, and now he can't break free. Until you push him off the fence that is.

And you must shove him off the fence with Plan B. DARK PLAN B.
Do it for him. Do it for you.

Do it for him - it will show him what life without you is like. He'll suddenly become part of the "hearing-aid-only" crowd and probably won't like it much. That might wake him up.
He will thank you for it 10 years from now. Trust me, he does not want to be in this relationship long term.

Do it for you - remove yourself from this twisted madness and let him wallow in his own slobber. If he wakes up and comes to his senses, you both win. If he does decide not to come back, then you have removed yourself from the madness and can work on you and live in peace without this woman in your life.

So sorry if I have offended anyone out there in the menopause group, but hey, it is what it is. We are all vibrant, young at heart, intelligent women who have lot to contribute to the world, but we just should not be out there busting up the families of younger men.

Don't do this to your children. You'll put them in the middle to their detriment. That's what your IM will be for. All communication goes through your IM.

I am only posting his side of the transcript. What I had to say is probably irrelevant. I just wanted you all to see where he was back in Oct.
He thought he was losing me because of getting caught in airport with her. 3 weeks prior he had made the decision to come home and we were doing better, and then he got busted with her at the airport...I have edited names, and cuss words I have added myself into some of it...if there is no name in front of paragraph, then that is him talking..

[10/25/2010 7:35:27 AM] I know I'm probably the last person that you want to skype with, but I hope you have a good day. Several things I want to talk to you about, but only when you want to....
[10/25/2010 9:17:09 AM] Sent an email to your email account
[10/25/2010 11:46:28 AM] no comment?
[10/25/2010 2:15:51 PM] : ;(
[10/25/2010 2:18:28 PM] Don't be (mad) me!!


[10/25/2010 2:52:35 PM] Was trying to be funny and decided this wasn't the time....You haven't said anything that I don't know. The other night, you really f'd me up. You cornered me and you know how I get when you do that. I was actually excited to get home. I was excited for Halloween. Saturday was a miserable day, not because I got caught doing something, because I really wanted to have another weekend like we did the previous weekend. I was happy and I thought I was doing better. (Let me keep going before you comment back, I am working while I am typing...)
[10/25/2010 3:06:30 PM]So many things have gone through my mind over the past couple of days. From f it to I am so fd' up. If I had a car, I would have run away. Even DD14 was telling me what an idiot I am, that says something! I really want you all to be happy. I have been talking with (male friend )about things and I think he may be the only real friend I have. He is very honest and has told me "You may get mad at me, but you need to straighten up!" I can accept your addiction diagnosis. When I was talking to you on the phone when you asked me if you could call me back, I was shaking! I only do that when I f up with you. I'm sure there are people here right now that think I'm on drugs or something. I go through a period where I feel relieved that things are out in the open, then I fall right back. The real stupid thing is none of this is about sex. Its about the feeling I get when I'm around you. I know you all say I wasn't acting happy when we were camping this summer, but I really was. Even DD15 is telling me that I don't smile around her and DD14 the way I was in those pictures this summer. No one will ever be able to win an argument with me that I am ever happier than when I am around them! I know when I say that, You always fall back on that's them and not you, but really it is all of you.

[10/25/2010 3:15:28 PM] When I f up the way I have, I honestly get physically sick. I hate to let you and the girls down about anything! That's all I have done over the past couple of years! I also think that you were trying to get into my cell bill, and possibly did and changed my password and I was pixxed! I didn't want to make a big deal about it to you because I might be wrong, but I was thinking here we go!!! Then I see...Facebook...I f'ing hate that thing. I hadn't looked at it in weeks and was killing time and I see what are probably very innocent posts and banter with your guy friends...I'm not a jealous person, but I got jealous!
[10/25/2010 4:05:05 PM] I don't know whether you have or not. (HE IS TALKING ABOUT ME FLIRTING WITH GUYS ON FB, I HAD TOLD HIM THAT ALL I EVER DO IS PLAY GAMES ON FB, NOT TRY TO HOOKUP WITH GUYS. I AM A HAIRSTYLIST AND MUCH LIKE A BARTENDER, I GET HIT ON A LOT..WH IS NOT USUALLY A JEALOUS PERSON, BUT I HAVE SOME MALE CLIENTS ON MY FB PAGE THAT MAKE COMMENTS ABOUT ME.
But, I feel the hair on the back of my neck as I see everyone around you try to encourage you to go out and hook up. Your step mother doesn't hesitate to make her little comments to everything, just gets under my skin.
[10/25/2010 4:06:12 PM] This is not about what you do though. Its about what I do. Me coming up with BS to justify my actions is ridiculous.

[10/25/2010 4:37:57 PM] : Well, I'll give you the events of my night. Worked until about 4:30. Picked her (OW) up on the way to the airport, flight was at 6:05. Got to the airport and sat at the bar and had two beers and got lectured for almost 3 hours.(By OW) Finally, boarded the plane and I slept most of the way to Phoenix. We got off of the plane and, I think she grabbed my hand and said that I didn't need to walk her to baggage claim. I didn't hear her, so I leaned over and said what? She said it again and I said no, I'll help you get your luggage to the car and just grab a cab home. She said are you sure and I said absolutely, I'm not going to let you struggle with your suitcases. She said something to the effect of that is sweet of you after listening to me all night. Nothing else was really said until bam!!! I know you said you just grabbed my hair, but you really did smack me pretty good in the process. It was deserved.
I asked him: [10/25/2010 4:38:40 PM] ME: I thought she spent the night?
[10/25/2010 4:39:50 PM] : She did. She slept at the apt. but I had my regular schedule...up at 4:00, to the gym and to work...Nothing significant happened.
[10/25/2010 4:38:52 PM]
At that point, I went on the defensive. Even after you left, she was telling me to go after you. I was just in shock.
[10/25/2010 4:41:11 PM] I don't know if it was because she had plans for the
weekend or if she could tell by the look on my face that I was basically in shock with what had
just happened.
[10/25/2010 4:45:22 PM] So, we got in the car and rode out to her house and she kept saying do you want to call the girls? I just said no. My phone had died sitting in the
airport in LA, it wasn't in Airplane mode. I couldn't have called if I wanted to. We got to her house,
I grabbed my charger and plugged in my phone. It took about 10 minutes for it to turn on and I
started to text the girls. I got your text that you could pick me up as I was texting DD14 I sat there
and just got pummeled by both of them and was just numb! Went to bed and just tossed and
turned all night. Don't know that I slept for 10 min.

[10/25/2010 4:49:01 PM] : All I wanted to do was head back to the airport and come back to LA....imagine that, one of the places I hate the most....I told her she could just take
me to the airport.

[10/25/2010 4:48:46 PM] TRISTA: So tell me about the 3 hour lecture...why was she giving
you shxx if you were with me...was it because you kept trying to communicate and keep contact
with her?
[10/25/2010 4:55:14 PM] : That was part of it. And she thinks I'm a real pushover.
She was barking about how after DD22 had treated DD14 and I, another Facebook deal, how
could I go help her move...to be honest, it really got to the "teacher in the Peanuts comic strip"
drone. There was discussion regarding was DD15 being any nicer and I said absolutely....she was
giving me the story about I needed to be a more forceful parent, because I'm the father...then she
was trying to sympathize with my financial issues and I finally blew up and said don't even try to
act like you understand my financial issues. I told her she had never had any and I wasn't going
to listen to that.
[10/25/2010 4:56:07 PM] : After she asked me if I wanted to call the girls on the
way home she spent the rest of the ride apologizing for lecturing me all night...
[10/25/2010 5:06:03 PM] : Not much was said on Saturday. I really just watched
football. She asked me if I was hungry a couple of times and I just said no. I was really sick to my
stomache. Finally on sunday, she told me I looked like a caged animal. I needed to just go and
thats when I headed over to the house. When I walked in I know DD15 was texting you and was just
waiting for your call. When you said it was ok to hang out for a little while, I was so relieved. I
really don't know where I was going to go if you said no.
[10/25/2010 5:07:23 PM] Actually, I also watched movie and was trying to
have dialogue with DD14.

[10/25/2010 5:09:15 PM]: Like I said, I was just numb. Not a lot of thought about
what I was doing at that point.
[10/25/2010 5:11:00 PM] : OW and I did have a discussion and I told her not to worry, I
wasn't going to move in to her house. Not quite sure what my plan is, other than maybe stay at a
hotel until I can figure it out or just stay in LA.
[10/25/2010 5:11:28 PM] TRISTA: did you guys talk about where your relationship is going?
[10/25/2010 5:11:43 PM] : No
[10/25/2010 5:12:15 PM] TRISTA: so why do you still say that you don't know if you are in
love with her?

[10/25/2010 5:18:43 PM] : I do enjoy most of the discussions that I have with her.
As they get more about my personal life, I enjoy them less. I don't think that you have sabotaged
anything. I think you have been hurt by what is going on and you have shown it. I know that when
I was flying in and staying with her, every week got a little more edgy. She was not liking me
being there all of the time and I really was having problems feeling like I was beholden to her. It
wasn't very positive. And you were out of the picture then. But, then I was craving the friendship
again.
[10/25/2010 5:19:37 PM] : And I started reaching out to you for that.
[10/25/2010 5:19:42 PM] TRISTA: you avoided the love question...just be honest. I can
handle that.
[10/25/2010 5:20:30 PM]: You said earlier that you didn't even know what love is
anymore. Do you really think I have the answer to that question?

[10/25/2010 5:22:12 PM] TRISTA: have you told her that you love her at all lately...say since
you came back here
[10/25/2010 5:24:23 PM] : I didn't really make her come around again. When her
brother got sick again, she was spending a lot of time at the hospital with her family (in LA). I think she
really just needed to get away from some of them, so I said if you ever just want to grab a bite or
a drink let me know. She invited me to dinner one night because she really didn't have any one
else to go with that wasn't wrapped up in the drama with her brother. I did tell her 'I love you' over the weekend.

[10/25/2010 5:24:50 PM] TRISTA: what weekend? How did she respond.
[10/25/2010 5:25:10 PM] She responded that I never say that anymore. This
weekend.
[10/25/2010 5:25:33 PM] TRISTA: really? after everything and the 3 hour lecture you said "I
love you?"
[10/25/2010 5:25:43 PM] really
[10/25/2010 5:26:14 PM] TRISTA: where?? In bed?
[10/25/2010 5:26:24 PM] : yes
[10/25/2010 5:26:29 PM] TRISTA: during sex?
[10/25/2010 5:26:33 PM] : after
[10/25/2010 5:26:38 PM] TRISTA: then you must
[10/25/2010 5:26:45 PM] : really?
[10/25/2010 5:26:48 PM] TRISTA: I think so
[10/25/2010 5:26:56 PM] : is that how you know?
[10/25/2010 5:27:03 PM] TRISTA: I guess...
[10/25/2010 5:27:12 PM] TRISTA: you wouldn't say it if you didn't mean it
[10/25/2010 5:27:18 PM]=: are you sure?
[10/25/2010 5:27:38 PM] : I've said it and not meant it before.
[10/25/2010 5:27:58 PM] TRISTA : I think it takes alot for you to say that...especially with all
that's going on with us..you don't even tell me that.

[10/25/2010 5:28:13 PM] Thats BS

[10/25/2010 5:29:01 PM] I told her that I love you
[10/25/2010 5:29:11 PM] TRISTA: when?
[10/25/2010 5:29:15 PM] : this weekend'

[10/25/2010 5:42:35 PM] = I am really emotionally exhausted right now. OW has been talking with one of her old flames also and I'm pretty sure thats who she was making plans with for this weekend or week, whatever.
[10/25/2010 5:42:49 PM] TRISTA does that bother you?
[10/25/2010 5:43:06 PM] Not really. If thats what she wants to do.
[10/25/2010 5:44:18 PM] TRISTA: so that doesn't make you jealous??
[10/25/2010 5:44:24 PM] : No
[10/25/2010 5:44:32 PM] TRISTA: but you love her
[10/25/2010 5:44:38 PM] : says you
[10/25/2010 5:44:53 PM] TRISTA: no says u
[10/25/2010 5:45:04 PM] : chemical imbalance
[10/25/2010 5:45:11 PM] TRISTA: came out of your mouth my friend
[10/25/2010 5:45:22 PM] : again, chemical imbalance

[10/25/2010 5:46:53 PM] TRISTA: so quit playing games
[10/25/2010 5:47:54 PM] TRISTA: do you love her?? just be fricking honest!! quit telling me you don't know what love is...you would not have said it if you aren't feeling it...covering it up by saying chemical imbalance is you trying to say that you do, but afraid to tell me that you do

[10/25/2010 5:48:21 PM] That's not it at all!
[10/25/2010 5:50:49 PM] I really don't believe that I do. I think that I get enjoyment out of her company. I really do connect with her on an intellectual level. When she is out of the picture, that is what I miss. I don't miss the sex, that's really not what the relationship is about. what I miss. I don't miss the sex, that's really not what the relationship is about.
I can text with her and really be satisfied with the interaction.

[10/25/2010 5:52:12 PM] So when I picture us doing things together, what is that?
[10/25/2010 5:52:22 PM] TRISTA: sex
[10/25/2010 5:52:27 PM] When I crave doing things together what is that?
[10/25/2010 5:52:33 PM] No, Its not sex
[10/25/2010 5:52:35 PM]TRISTA: family
[10/25/2010 5:52:48 PM] Exactly, You are my family.
[10/25/2010 5:53:04 PM] Families require love.
TRISTA: Then why do you keep telling her you love her if you don't mean it.
[10/25/2010 5:56:30 PM] I'm certainly not 100%, certainly not 50%.....I'm lame.

TRISTA:
WH when you came back we were never doing GREAT!! You were distant in the first 2 weeks...you never sat me down to talk about US and how we were going to make it work. You just walked in the door and said absolutely NOTHING to me. All the stuff about how we had a long road ahead of us and we both needed to work on stuff was a bunch of BS because you did nothing for us. What you did do though, was go back to LA and think about OW all the time and don't tell me you didn't. You killed yourself trying not to call or text her and the first person to reach out to make that first text or call after you left her was YOU! You thought nothing of the attempts of us trying to struggle through putting our relationship back together. We were not a priority...at all. That is why it was so easy for you to get a hold of OW and woo her back to you. After 17 years it saddens me that "I" am not important enough for you, for you to sacrifice another womans friendship/love/sex/whatever for ME! That says a lot. So don't paint this picture of how wonderful it was going for us.. And then on top of that, telling them you love them after you were lectured for 3 hours about your kids and your life, and you telling me you didn't want to fly with her, wanting to go back to LA, AND telling me she reminded you of Psycho EX-Girlfriend..that is true love!


[10/26/2010 9:23:12 AM] : I know one thing. I do, have and always will love you! Pixxed at myself!!! Yes, I don't show it very well because I'm afraid of getting hurt.
[10/26/2010 9:23:59 AM] : In doing so, I manage to hurt everyone around me!
[10/26/2010 9:27:57 AM] I think it says volumes! I said yesterday that I think you are an incredible person. Yeah, sometimes I don't like stuff you do, but thats to be expected. When I was laying in bed last night thinking about everything, I came to the realization that most of the times you have pissed me off were because you were confronting me about cheating, which lord knows, I gave you plenty of reasons to worry about that.

[10/26/2010 9:38:35 AM] : Believe me, I have been doing lots of soul searching since Friday. Telling someone you love them after sex is a pixx poor barometer of true feelings. Its an intimate setting and shxx gets said, sorry, but it can be meaningless. I was not in a very good state of mind and was reaching, or desperate, or whatever. My world had just imploded. I was trying to deal with my emotions, and made that statement about things being great off of something you had said yesterday. I see how everyone in your life so roots against me with the exception of my kids up to this weekend. Now even they seem to, really tells me what a piece of shxx I am. Do you know how difficult that is on me. I really feel like I have tried to do right by everyone, even you with the exception of the obvious. I have never expected anyone to be appreciative of the things I have done, but it does hurt when I see comments on Facebook for the world to see. Stuff like DD22 saying she wishes her dad was around to help with her wedding, like I don't even exist.
[10/26/2010 9:40:36 AM] : Thats kind of one of my issues. I feel like I'm there if everyone wants me to do chores or pay for something, but when it comes to the real things in life, I don't even get any consideration. That hurts. I don't want this to seem like a WH pity party. I f'd up! I understand that and have to deal with that. I am no one in Grandsons life and that bothers me..I was excited as anyone when he arrived.

SIDE NOTE HERE: H WAS ALREADY IN EA/PA WHEN GRANDSON WAS BORN. GRANDSON BORN SEPT. 2009 AFFAIR BEGAN JUNE 2009. SO HIS ARGUMENT HERE IS LAME.

TRISTA: You have popped in and out of grandsons life, that is your choice.

[10/26/2010 9:43:38 AM] TRISTA: you are making that, no one is doing that to you.

I THEN MENTIONED HOW WE TRIED TO GET HIM TO GO ON TRIPS WITH US AS A FAMILY, HE ALWAYS DECLINED THE INVITE.

[10/26/2010 9:44:06 AM] : But those were sheduled when I had to work at a time that I was being ruined (FIRED FROM JOB, FAILURE AT STARTING OWN BUSINESS) How could I enjoy anything at that time?
[10/26/2010 9:44:25 AM] I certainly didn't want to bring everyone down.
[10/26/2010 9:44:41 AM] TRISTA: the bottom line is this...you want OW, you don't want to give her up...you want everyone to accept that and still let you be part of the family even though it causes hurt and pain...
[10/26/2010 9:45:13 AM] : You are mistaken. I realize that is not an option.
HERE WE TALKED ABOUT HOW THE NIGHT OF THE AIRPORT WHEN I ASKED HIM WHO HE WANTED AND HE CHOSE HER...THEN I SAID YOU NEVER CHOOSE ME/FAMILY.

[10/26/2010 9:48:09 AM] : Thats not true.
[10/26/2010 9:49:14 AM] : I sat at her house and took an incredible amount of abuse when I decided to take a cab back to the house. I did choose you. I was trying to do anything I could to make you happy.
[10/26/2010 9:53:24 AM] TRISTA: No you didn't choose me...you thought you chose me...but days after choosing me...you thoughts wandered back to her...that is not choosing me...that is telling yourself to do something that you think is the right thing to do when you heart is still somewhere else. Don't kid yourself or me. Then you told DD15 via text that you were sorry that you tried to make it better, but it wasn't getting any better...are you kidding me?? that is such a crock...it is again,,,, telling yourself that, as an excuse to make sense of what you have done. If you honestly thought it wasn't getting better then you were right...it was because YOU didn't try to make it better.
You should have been 100% determined to choose me and be with me. But when you came back here, you weren't. I knew by looking at the tears on your face that you still didn't know what you wanted. I knew that by how you didn't talk to me...and I still had to try to pry you open to get you to talk about it.

WE HAD TAKEN A BREAK IN BETWEEN THE CONVERSATION SO IT SWITCHED GEARS HERE, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT HIS ONE GOOD FRIEND WHO HE CONFIDED IN ABOUT THE AFFAIR.

[10/26/2010 3:51:06 PM] TRISTA: So how did you tell MALE FRIEND...."hey MF, I'm boppin this older lady..cheating on TRISTA with her for over a year now
[10/26/2010 3:52:51 PM] I don't really remember the discussion. But, I have had many, many discussions with MF. He is pretty straight forward with his comments.
[10/26/2010 3:53:16 PM] TRISTA: so why did you tell him?
[10/26/2010 3:54:36 PM] I talk to MF about everything. He's about the only one that gives me decent advise. He knows I've been struggling with everything.
[10/26/2010 3:54:54 PM] TRISTA: what does he tell you to do about OW?
[10/26/2010 3:55:45 PM] : He mainly tells me that I need to make up "my f'ing mind, because you ain't getting anywhere."
[10/26/2010 3:56:20 PM] TRISTA: I can picture him saying that....well now you can tell him I made up your mind for you
[10/26/2010 3:56:32 PM] really?
[10/26/2010 3:56:39 PM] TRISTA: didn't I?
[10/26/2010 3:56:45 PM] TRISTA: I thought I did at the airport?
[10/26/2010 3:56:58 PM] you did, but I was hoping...
[10/26/2010 3:57:13 PM] TRISTA hoping?????......................
[10/26/2010 3:57:30 PM] wishing...
[10/26/2010 3:57:50 PM] praying....me praying?? yep
[10/26/2010 3:57:56 PM] TRISTA: oh stop...
[10/26/2010 3:58:02 PM] TRISTA: you don't pray
[10/26/2010 3:58:23 PM] you think...I throw some stuff out every once in a while....
[10/26/2010 3:58:31 PM] TRISTA: like what?
[10/26/2010 4:04:43 PM] strength!!
[10/26/2010 4:12:27 PM] TRISTA you throw out strength?
[10/26/2010 4:12:53 PM] : Pray for strength to fix my life.....
I wish I wouldn't have traveled with her.(HE IS TALKING ABOUT NIGHT OF AIRPORT BUST)
[10/27/2010 9:10:01 AM] I agree with much of what you have said. Believe it or not, I was doing good with you last week. I was getting happier and happier with my decision (TO COME HOME), even though there were some setbacks (small) prior to Friday. I want to continue working on making things better and look at Friday as a big setback, but that is up to you. I sincerely can't see myself with out you in my life and I continue to cry. I really think at times I've been on the verge of a nervous breakdown...all of the stress that I've brought upon myself...sometimes its overwhelming for me. Even right now typing this to you I am shaking???? I've opened the door to the scariest nightmare I can imagine, not having MY family!!!

AND THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH THE END OF THAT CONVERSATION..I ended up letting him come home the following weekend after this conversation. This all blew out the window..because shortly after this...she was back in LA with her dying brother and WH wanted to be her shoulder to cry on. I kept reminding him of skype conversation and to END IT and he just kept saying he couldn't do that to her right now what with her brother dying in the hospital, so he didn't...we have been going back and forth over ending his communication up until 6 weeks ago when I accused him of going to see her in the morning. During Christmas time and New Years, OW did not back off..and sent many texts, emails etc. making sure he did not forget her around the holidays while he was home with his family. On New Years eve he got shixxy with me when I oversaw a text that came through from her on his phone, I asked to see/read it and he told me "no, it was none of my business"...we were back on the crap road again.

Don't bother posting his words. 100% methane and cow cr@p.

Here, it is called FOG or fog speak, and you will do well not even to listen to it.

Let him go to his cloven hoofed old goat of an OW. Baaaaaaa!
I swear, give him the boot and an old tin can for her to chew on.

You need to get away from this mind rot.

I have the SAA book with the example of PlanB letter...I will use that...but I saw some had posted there own version of Plan B letter too...I would like to see if I can find it to also gather some ideas on how to compose my own. Does anyone know of any threads with plan B letters written by others?

Thank you all so much,I finally feel like I have direction!!

Sorry, gotta get the kiddos from school. Here is a thread about Plan B letters

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2421094#Post2421094

Also, here is a thread about getting ready for Plan B. it's from 2006, so there may be differing views than now, so ASK questions.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1642447&page=1

so what are you doing about exposing this to OW's family??

I am going to do it,,,,trying to compile list of who it will go out to...those will go out same day as I give plan b letter to WH...

anyone have a good example of exposure emails.

Change the gender to your circumstance, if you have access to their facebook names send the messages one minute apart

Here is a sample from BigPicture.

Look in the archive Plan A/PlanB Threads.


I couldn't find the standard sample, but use the one from SAA.

I don't know that this is the best example, but it is what I could find. I don't think it is the best example, from what I understand it is to be a love letter of sorts, with a clear definition of what Plan B will be like; ie, who the IM will be, NC until all is ended with OW for good and NC with OW, etc.


Spouse,

I know our home is where my heart is because right now my heart is breaking. I long to drive home to my beautiful wife and amazing children and hug you all. But I can’t come home right now. I was planning on being there, with you and DS and DD and DS through Christmas and all the family celebrations. But after enduring this situation for 20 weeks, especially this week, I am totally spent and exhausted. Emotionally, physically, mentally, in everyway I reached my limit last night. I didn’t expect that or know that would happen or plan any of it. It just snapped in me. I almost had a complete mental and physical breakdown at work today.

You have told me you cannot make up your mind. This is torture for all of us. And I don't blame anyone. We each played our role and chose our actions. I just cannot bear the pain anymore while you are still involved and giving your time and emotional/physical love to someone else. Please understand that I am only doing this to protect myself from more pain, to protect my feelings for you and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery. Like you said this morning: I cannot take this anymore either. The toll on both of us has become too much.

I am not trying to ruin the holiday. I feel terrible that it happened on DS birthday. I am not trying to punish you or make you feel any certain way about me/us. I am not trying to pressure you for anything. I am not trying to burden you. I feel terrible about what is going on but I have to be strong. I need to stop seeing or talking to you under these conditions. Please respect my decision to separate from you in this way. If you choose to come back and work on our marriage, I want to know that you made the decision on your own. When you went to Florida you said you needed space. That is what I need right now.

I deeply regret my ignorance of your needs and my immoral behaviors. I have bowed before God and thanked him for showing me the error in my ways. I apologize for my part in creating the conditions that helped make your affair possible. I believe we can learn from our mistakes and grow from them. We can rebuild our love and become a family again. A great family and marriage! I am willing to avoid the mistakes of my past. You have noticed the changes in me and see that I am trying. I want to continue to grow as a person and as your partner for life.

Remember how if you want a new habit, you must do the new action for at least 30 days before it becomes a habit. With regards to me and my actions, please know that those are so very real and have become habits in me because I have been doing them for 5 months now, meeting your needs and making sure I address your feelings in my every action.

* The way I knew the snow in the driveway would make you feel AND addressing it with you, that was real! Remember you hadn’t even said anything about it. I just knew the way you were feeling about it and I wanted to make you feel better.
* The way you saw something different in me on Tuesday morning.
* The birthday party that I planned, not to win you back but because I know you love dancing.
* Making your coffee, because I know it makes you feel cared for.
* and all the other Acts of Service that you need to make you feel loved.

I did those things for you out of pure love, during the worst emotional storm anyone could withstand. And I did it with no expectations of anything from you.

When you have permanently severed contact with him I will be overjoyed to talk about our future. I have loved you for so long and continue to love you today. I want to be able to rebuild our marriage into a new life where we meet each other's emotional needs. Where our actions and everything we do makes both of us both happy. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me, through sickness and health, for richer or poorer. I hope you realize how much I love talking with you and how much I miss your affection. I want you to be my best friend, my lover and the wife of my dreams.

Thank you, working on the composition now...taking bits and pieces from threads and throwing in some of my own. H has reached out again to me today...so I am going to let that continue for a few days and work a very short Plan A on him. He sent me 2 emails this morning, that were just news clips that have to do with somethings we had talked about in the news and a house fire in our neighborhood last night...I didn't respond though. Guess I should have.

I am going short short Plan A, then right into Plan B and going dark. I may do it this weekend since he might be coming into town and I would like to hand deliver it to him. I will post my rough draft of Plan B in a minute.