Hello, I am brand new here. My WW had affairs that I know about. I came to this site because it is pro marriage and has a plan and focus for recovery.

But I know she hasn't been honest. And she never would have told me if I hadn't found out by accident. She thought I was better off not knowing.

There are a lot of posts about snooping. I have a terrible ethical dilema with that.

Yeah?
Get yourself checked for STDs on a monthly basis if you are fundamentally opposed to other means of self-protection.

WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS

Read the "carrot/stick" link in my sig line.

Best of luck to you.

I have a terrible ethical question then. What about recording a session she has in private with her therapist? Its one thing to record cell phone calls, look at emails.... record stuff in your own home.

But recording inside her therapist office is pure wrong? Is it? Even though I know she tells him everything. He knows all about the affairs I discovered. Bet there is more.

I think I am losing my mind over this

This is very tricky from a legal standpoint. I wouldn't suggest this right now. A therapist's livelihood depends on privacy with his clients. To have that breeched would probably get you a lawsuit.

Why don't you tell us your story, diner? How long married? Any kids? Did your wife have an affair?

We can help you better if we know more about your situation.

Why do you want to remain M'd to a serial cheater? How long have you been M'd? Any kids involved?

20 years M
3 children

She really hated me during her midlife crisis at 40. And with justification. I wasn't the best husband. She was hurting in the marriage and I ignored her. I have a ton of remorse. In her pain she went out and did terrible and risky things.

We are recovering. But not through MB plan. But every day feels better. And I really like the man I am becoming. I just want to know if there is more. Maybe we should read opposing points of view on to tell or not to tell. And I can explain that its okay to remove your guilt. Let me know who you really are. i will still love her. And we'll survive and get better.

I can record her talking with her friends in public. But inside the therapist office? I would feel guilty forever!

Hello diner101,

I read your post because I'm also struggling with snooping. I've never been one to snoop and have always respected privacy. Its hard to do a 180 without questioning your own ethics.

I have done some snooping and came up with some stuff that caused me pain. My husband definitely felt violated, but what could he say? The proof showed him deliberately deceiving me. Once he calmed down (2-3 days later) we were able to talk about it. It was good. That snooping, which initially felt awful, eventually paid off with a positive result.

I'm surprised to hear about recording therapy sessions? I would think that the therapist is legally obligated to confidentiality. Would it be a good idea, or any possibility, of you also seeing this same therapist, whether its individual or as a couple? I would think that the therapist would consider that as a way to make some positive progress.

Good luck and I'd be glad to read any feedback. Hang in there, you're not alone.

It is illegal.
Don't do it.

I cannot bring myself to do this. Therapist office is sacred.

But a secret email account on our home computer is not sacred. A conversation with girlfriends discussing your affair on our family phone, or cell phone or in the house or in public is fair game.

You need Joseph's letter.

hang on .... will be right back .....
LINK

Print it out.
Give 2 copies to your wife.
One for her personal reflection, another for her to share with her therapist.

By the way, does your wife have a psych diagnosis of any sort?
Is she a drug or alcohol abuser?

Correct.

What snooping have you done so far?

Plus, people routinely LIE to their therapist.

Snooping felt weird to me too...but ultimately I/we took vows to love, honor and cherish our spouses and to protect them. Getting intelligence about their wayward thoughts and activities assists in the war against infidelity which ultimately is a war to protect our spouses from themselves.

In recovery...a repentant spouse will THANK YOU for any and all snooping you did in order to save THEM and THEIR marriage (to you) and THEIR family.

This is not a war against your spouse...but a war against evil/satan. You "snoop" to save your spouse (and protect your children) from evil/satan.

Mr. W

p.s.- I didn't care about illegality either. I was diligent about taking steps to avoid getting "caught" because I certainly didn't want legal consequences...but I was willing to accept legal consequences.

Why are you wanting to record her therapy sessions to begin with?

Do you feel she is actually involved with this "therapist?" It wouldn't be the first time I've heard of a "therapist" or "counselor" being involved with a client, as my x-SIL got involved w/ her counselor... or it came out that she was involved with her counselor... after my brother got busted on his RA.