In the early stages of recovery with Mrs.Flint I was overwhelmed with the obscene images of her with my ex-brother...

At times I thought we would never make it because...

well...

how do you ever become intimate with someone after something like that???

One thing that we DID learn was a fact that I feel was PARAMOUNT in recovering our M.

IN ORDER TO HEAL FROM PAST MEMORIES YOU MUST CREATE NEW ONES!!!

The horrible sexual images were at times crippling and brought unbelievable anger and resentment to the forefront destroying all of the marriage building we were trying to do.

I would feel resentment, hurt, betrayed and attack, she would feel threatened and defensive and withdraw...

It seemed to be a vicious circle that would never end...

and the Lord took pity on the idiots...

THE MEMORIES THAT OCCURRED LAST ARE THE MOST VIVID.

Soooooooo....

Guess what we decided to make the most vivid.

That means NO MATTER how much it hurts in the beginning you MUST make an effort to help each other to make NEW memories of yourselves enjoying doing things together that you like to do...

EVERYTHING INCLUDING AND MOST IMPORTANTLY SEXUAL FULFILLMENT...

What we learned together was that the more DISTANCE and TIME we had with the wonderful memories past the horrible memories the less we thought of them...

and the more we could forgive each other.

God bless.

Jim

I have a recurring mental image of other men getting the herpes that my exwife carries.

Very good advice Jim. This is something I have to keep in mind every time my wanders to that bad place.

Thanks for this post Jim, I'm newly betrayed and at the moment I can't even contemplate being able to have sex with my W without thinking about the OM.

I'm sure it will happen in time, but hearing that others have got past it helps a lot.

I'm right with you, Berk.

Jim, thank you so much for sharing this. It's one of the things that I struggle with most now, at only 3 months past D-Day...and 6 weeks into a very tentative recover.

It's really good to hear from someone who successfully overcame the same struggle.

Hold tight, Berk.

You will surprise yourself if/when you get the recovery process rolling.

It will get you sometimes, and sometimes you will be lost enough in the moment that it won't matter.

Me? Well, let's say those images actually drove some marathon sessions just because of my competitive nature.

"Let's see that weasely little douchenozzle compete with this!"

Sorry you are here, Berk. But you are in the best possible place to land.

HHH, I'm going to channel this thought next time I have the opportunity. Amusing, but...probably very effective given the right situation!

There is more truth to this for most couples than anyone wants to admit...

With men it IS a competetion in the beginning of recovery...

AND for a lot of women it is also...

which is not all bad because it's what gets the PHYSICAL CONNECTION going again as a couple...

which gives the EMOTIONAL recovery enough time to get started and progressing at a much slower rate and being based on the overall recovery of the M.

Even though in the beginning it is a CONNECTION of COMPETETION rather than a CONNECTION based on INTIMACY...

it is still a CONNECTION and the BANDAID which allows the healing of true recovery to begin.

Jim