"Unfortunately, she is completely acting as if I don't exist in her life but only as a father in our home and provider"

You hit the nail on the head here Lliam. That's exactly what she wants. She wants you to be her provider and father to your kids and still have her other needs met by OM. She wants to eat lots and lots of cake. This is what you must stop. Exposure is the first step towards doing that as you've already been advised by the most experienced people on this board.

Tell us how you will expose. Take this first step. Keep yoourself busy snooping and building your exposure list. DO IT!

So the first affair ended once the secret was out? Start spilling this to all her family, including the one with the baby shower! Get history to repeat itself!


Please don't consider enabling your wife by keeping her secret safe. It isn't working for you now, is it? Time to do something else.



Do the other members of this girls trip know of the planned rendezvous? If not, tell them about her cheating and that you are not going to pay for her to go on the trip because of it. Get to those friends first and then tell your wife "Sorry, the trip's off because I'm not paying for you to go eff OM while I stay home with our child." But get to those friends first so she cannot spin it with her friends by saying that you're a wife-beating jealous control freak.

If she still manages to go, and everytime she leaves in the middle of the week for her date, get on the horn with all of her friends and family, tell them where she is and what she's doing and ask them to call her. Get her phone to ring off the hook while she's with OM.

Above all, enlist the help of those friends and flat-out tell her (when's she leaving for her weekly dates) that you know where she's going, that it isn't going to fly in your house, and that she shouldn't come back if she steps out that door. Period. And mean it, too.


Easy, she's wanting to get it to where you're accepting her having a boyfriend. If you can have your cake and eat it, too, why not go for it? Really, how bad of a life does she have right now--no real conflicts and she can carry on the trist in front of you with no consequences. Sorry to be harsh, but that's the reality you have right now.


Again, cake eating with the ring on the finger.


Hey, you already know what you have to do and that's a good start. You've got to put your foot down and say No Freaking Way is this how it's going to be!


She doesn't need an open door when she's not worried about changing anything. Once she runs out of options, then that open door will be appealing.


Ok, start with ditching that phone or, at the very least, cancelling the phone service. If you see her on the phone with him or texting at your house, I'd get right in her face and make a big stink about her cheating on you in your own home! Seriously, guy, she's going to continue this for a long time until she starts respecting you again.

By enabling, yes, you are losing everything. But if you stand up for this, let her know that she WILL NOT be living in your home while cheating on you, then you'll get the ball rolling one way or the other. But you cannot stay where you are.

We all know where you are as most of us have been through it before and know how it feels to get "stuck" where you are now. Once you take control of this, and your wife sees that you are standing up and not rolling over like a dog, then you'll start seeing changes but you've got to knock this POS OM out the picture first.

So, first step is going all-out telling the world about this affair. Don't forget OM's family. There's a very good chance you can kill this thing sooner than later just by getting the ACTIVE help of everyone that she knows. Ask them to call her and intervene. People sometimes want to sit on the sidelines, try whatever you can to get her family to actually *call* her and talk to her about the affair.

And then get her cellphone tonight while she's asleep, yank the battery and toss the phone with the SIM card. When she cries wanting a new one, tell her "Why, so you can keep cheating on me with a-hole? Not in my house!"

It's a good thing, but you've got to escalate it. Once he sees that WW comes with a lot of drama, he'll likely back off. But you've got to make it so that she's more trouble than she's worth.

After exposure, give OM a call. I tried that three times with my wife's OM but he never answered so I settled on a text. Not the best, but the best under the circumstances. Tell him "OM, you are going to stay the h away from my wife. You are trying to break up my family and have seriouly pissed off people in four states [or whatever sounds good]. You don't stand a chance in h against all of us. The party is over, the affair is over, the secret is out and you don't need this in your life. Back off." Then hang up.

Thank you for keeping my spirits up. I really appreciate this board as I know you are all well educated on these matters.

I plan to go nuclear while she is on her trip. I feel compelled to wait until she leaves as I want her to come back and feel the full brunt when she steps off the plane in Vegas as it will ruin her trip and be 3 days of hell wondering what is waiting for her when she gets back. To her surprise, I will plan to re-introduce plan A which may catch her looking the other way and I will appear as a comforting option unlike the one she envisioned when arriving back home.

She is definitely eating lots of cake thanks to my enabling. She just told me that withdrawing from me at the moment is the best she can do now because I have threatened her so much in the past. By threaten, it was actually part of the plan where I explain a D will not be pleasant and I will not remain as a friend while attempting to take everything. When I said this in a calm manner, she absolutely went crazy throwing things and hyperventilated during a crying fit.

I am not sure what to tell her at the moment. I want to text something back to her aforementioned text telling me withdrawal is the best she can do, but I want to respond within the plan A realm and not combative - yet I still want to make a point.

Any suggestions at the moment while I plan to drop the bomb soon with everyone?

Great letter/text by the way. I think I will do that for sure. I am a very confrontational person, which is why I have avoided contacting the OM for fear I would let my emotions go physical or verbally threatening with harm. I have a nice career as does OM, so I must be careful nothing jeopardizes the few things in my wife that still work well.

I meant 'life' not W.

I'd do it sooner than later so that the trip doesn't happen--what if she got pregnant on this trip--no reason to afford her another opportunity to see this guy. But, I can see your reasoning as well. How far out are we talking here?


Ha Ha, good job! Yeah, you just put a wrinkle in her fantasy. Felt good, didn't it? She's trying to play the victim card with you. Now take it up a notch, you'll be surprised at how empowering it feels to take the reins on this crap.


My wife said the same thing when I told her how I saw a divorce going down. As she put it, it was the "final nail in the coffin" on the marriage. I just shrugged, didn't say anything or show any emotion. I acted as though we were discussing the plight of the dung beetle in Brazil. That ticked her off, too, but reality has a way of doing that to people whose heads are jammed up their rears.

Let her get mad, let her own those feelings that she's caused. Just don't engage her in a fight or get defensive. And if she tries, just say matter-of-factly "You're not dragging me into a fight about this" and walk away.

So, don't respond to the text or even mention it. She's trying to drag you into an argument where she can try to manipulate you or coerce you back into complacency. By refusing to engage, you'll come out ahead. Just be a broken record--I'm working on the marriage and I will not stand for you having an affair.

Drop the exposure bomb tomorrow. You'll be glad you did.

I cribbed the language from someone else--maybe MelodyLane or maritalbliss--but it felt good to do *something* about it. Yeah, you don't want to end up in the pokey but OM cannot live under the impression that you're laying down on this.

Honestly, though, I don't know if my little text made any impact on OM at all. I don't guess it really matters, but I figured what the hell, why not. I also sent notes, a few weeks later, to his sister and parents but never heard from any of them.

Oh, your wife and OM don't work together do they?

Glad to hear that you're finally starting to get pissed off about all this.

The trip is next week. I have all the contacts I need to do this and have formulated the message. I will send the moment I know the plane is in the air. That way, she lands with a host of voice mails which I am sure isn't going to make the Cirque show that enjoyable.

We got married in Vegas, so its kind of ironic this will be ground zero for her.

I am being overly calm and patient in my responses. I think texting back and forth regarding these issues with the WW is therapeutic and takes the pressure off the possibility of an argument. Especially since I can always retain a copy as can she to re-read and analyze to see I was always being more than fair and constructive. Also, it prevents the impulse to always try to have a 'talk' which has now gotten exhausting and over-done.

I know I am doing the right thing because I have let go of my desire to 'win' and 'be right'. This feels more natural as I feel it is in the best interest of my family's health and our 5 y/o DD who is the happiest person on earth.

What's the story with the friends that she's going with? Do they know and, more importantly, know that OM is planning a trip out there as well?

You are doing the right thing. You're fighting for your child who has no one else that will stand up for them.

In case you need it (I did) here's some verbiage that you can use when talking with your wife's family. I think I actually read this to them when I spoke with them.

From maritalbliss... Let them know that you need their help, and that their help will ensure that your family remains intact.

From MelodyLane... we need your help. I am asking you to use your influence to persuade WW to end her affair. She cares about you very much and hearing it from as many people as possible may get through the fog.

Lliam.

Stop being a doormat. There is nothing sexy or attractive about a man who can be so easily manipulated. Your wife throws a little tantrum, and you back right down.

Stop this Vegas trip pronto. Let her know she will not be going to hook up with OM. If she gets on that plane, she will not be coming back home.

At the same time, expose this affair far and wide. Seriously? You think making this announcement is going to "ruin" a baby shower? that is 3 weeks away? ??? you are puzzling. Is this just another excuse not to do anything?

And you are very much mistaken if you think you are somehow "competing" with OM. She wants you as a babysitter, while she screws him. She wants you to pay the bills, while he wines and dines her. She wants you BOTH -- for very different reasons. You are not competing. Because she won't let you screw her or wine and dine her. You're just there to pay the bills and babysit, get it?

Man up.

I agree, there has been nothing sexy about what I have been doing lately. It seems as if I left my attractive/stand-up for myself personality at the doorstep of the last A I ended. This one snuck up on me while I was still in plan A of the last one, so I really got confused to who I need to be.

The other problem is that one of the issues we were having before the A started was that I was unwavering in my opinions and was always too dominate in my decision making. I was trying to show her that I have changed in that regard, but its horrible timing as it conflicts with who I need to be through this process - yet, it could reinforce her decision that the OM is a better person because I am too strong of a personality.

Exposure, YES and absolutely I will. I respectfully disagree with the the appropriateness of the pre-babyshower bomb. I feel my SIL is the best ally I have right now and she asked that I do not expose this latest one before her shower as she knows it would cause a dark cloud. She apologized many times over as she knows this is a terrible thing for me to deal with, but promised to stand by my side whatever I chose to do. For her, I am leaning on waiting.

The Vegas trip is also with some girlfriends, so the person I need to stop going is the OM who has booked a separate hotel. WW obviously will see the OM there, but to stop the trip would be blanketing over a girls trip as well. So, it is hard to say 'don't go' and have it hold water over the fact it is to stop the A. The 2 girlfriends know of this A and are supportive of WW as they are both in the same boat with their H. Both girls are going through separation for the same thing - being WWs themselves.

Another question as I have seen this mentioned a few times on this board to change the locks, kick WW out, etc. How can you legally do that. I mean, it sounds good - but I don't believe the law is on my side. It is Georgia and we have fault here which is good also the home is all under my name which here is possible unlike other states where homes must be titled and loaned to both H and W. So, is it possible to make her move out if I got to that point. Many times over the last year I wished it was possible.

It doesn't sound like being more easy-going is working for you. Strike a balance there, but now's not the time to be rolling over.


Ok, I didn't realize the SIL had talked to you about that. Get on the phone with her and explain your dilemna about the Vegas trip. Tell her that she's going with the other man and that her friends are actively supporting her trying to break up your family. Tell her that you certainly understand her position, and value her support, but that you've GOT to stop this trip from happening, and exposure is the best way to do it. Ask her for her support today while you expose.


Well, these other girls are chitty influences if you ask me. I wouldn't have any problem, knowing that, in putting a stop to the trip all together. You are paying for this trip, right? So, in effect, you're paying for your wife to be around women that encourage her to sleep around with, oh wait, the guy in the next hotel room?

The H with those two women. Stop the trip, you've got to.



Easy, deal with the wife first and police second. Say you tell her not to come back when she goes on the trip to Vegas. She leaves anyways so you pack her bags, leave them out front and change the locks. She comes home kicking and screaming about not being able to come in and has a fit right there.

She calls the police, they show up with this hysterical woman screaming on the lawn and you calmly standing there telling them that what's going on. That she just got back from a Vegas trip with her lover, that you don't want your child exposed to this type of behavior and that she doesn't need to be in the home around your child in this condition. Who are they going to be more sympathetic to? Mr. Calm and child or Mrs. Freaking Out?

Or go see a lawyer and see what you can do to get her out of the house.

Have you read through Andy's thread?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2477469&page=1

It's a long read, but your stories sound similar.

The message you are sending is that you don't care very much. She knows you dont' care enough to stand up for your marriage by you complacency. No one is asking you to be "opinionated" or "domineering" but to stand up for your marriage. You don't know the difference. And the difference is going to kill your marriage. Now is the time to stand up for your marriage if you want to make it. Conflict avoiders and enablers don't make it, Sir. That is where you are headed now.


You are making strategic mistakes by delaying exposure. Exposure before the baby shower would not be a dark cloud. Exposure is a BRIGHT CLOUD in that it is therapeutic for your wife. Your SIL is out of line asking you to forgo an IDEAL opportunity for exposure just because she wants to pretend all is well. That is not fair to you and your wife. I would respectfully tell her this is not the best thing for your marriage and you have a marriage to save. Your marriage comes before a baby shower.


I would either ask her to cancel this or go with her. But you should not be going along with marriage wrecking behavior. Here again, complacency signals to her you don't really care. Have you even confronted your W about going? What are you doing to stop this trip?


Again, more complacency. The question should not be if it interferes with the girls trip, but if it is good or bad for your marriage. It is bad.



There is no state in America where it is against the law to change your locks. And it is not so simple as just "kicking out" a WW.

I am not paying for the trip. WW actually has a job and does well enough she doesn't need my support for things, so its kind of a good thing financially but bad as I have no ability to control how she spends her money.

The GFs in this has are horrible role models and one of the most difficult hurdles for me to overcome their advice to WW. Its almost like their is a bizzaro forum like this one where all it does is give advice on how to counter everything positive said in this forum. The one GF in particular is very opinionated and of course, doesn't get along with me. It is a recent GF as we moved here from out of state. If only I could have stopped those two from meeting a while back, I think I would not be in this position since she is a supporter of A's.

I will talk with one about the specifics. I have legal counsel here at my office that I have been bending the ear of, but his specialty is not D. The GF of WW is very litigious due to her business and of course would be the first call by WW to verify capability if I were to every do something like lock her out.

FYI, she is picking out nightstands for us today as we are re-doing our bedroom. When I or WW says 'our', keep in mind it is mine at the moment as I am the one in our marital bed. However, I just don't get how someone financially obligates themselves to a situation they are in the process of tearing down. WW also wanted to get embroidered pillows with our initials. Why on earth???? I know its cake, but I call it out every time only to watch her switch tones. I am not a Dr., but bi-polar comes to mind. To watch her throw things in a fit, promise that a D is imminent, she hates me, then be on the foot of our (my) bed the next morning asking if we should replace the front foyer window or start renovating the back terrace for a summer party is the craziest experience I will ever go through.

Just as I suspected. Your goal is to avoid an argument at all cost and not to save your marriage. You won't save your marriage this way. What you are doing is enabling her bad behavior which does tell her very clearly that you DON'T CARE. You are the "friend" who drives the alcoholic to the bar, gives the suicide a gun, because he wants to be liked and wants to keep the peace MORE THAN he cares about the welfare of his friend.

lliam, your instincts are not serving you well here. If you want to save your marriage, you are going to stop being an enabler. Going along with marriage wrecking behavior, delaying exposure [for no other reason than to keep the peace] is going to cost you your marriage, Sir.

Please listen to others here who have saved their marriages and have seen it ALL around here for 10 years. Your own "plan" is Plan "E" for enabler and is not helping your marriage. Much more of this and she will be leaving you for the OM just like this guy in this radio clip [he was complacent and uncaring like you and his wife eventually left him. Dr Harley called him an "enabler"] Marriage Builders radio clip[

Melody, thank you. I have read your posts before to Andy's thread (thanks for the reminder Northwood) and yes, the advice and timeline seems so oddly similar to mine.

It was tough for him to make that plunge and my only delay really revolves around this shower. I just don't want to loose my best ally. Her mother, who also knows about this second, is complacent and scared to get involved as WW has threatened to cut off communication. Once again, the MIL and SIL were the only two to hear of the second exposure. It certainly was not nuclear, which is what I am delaying. My MIL has informed others, but nothing directly has come out about it and I believe it won't until there is a huge mushroom cloud that everyone can't deny they saw. I will do this and I am not scared since I can't be placed in a worse spot that I am in now. I am actually excited, but I simply won't do it if I loose even the slightest bit of support from SIL. She is too valuable to me in this fight since she knows everything and can kill WWs attempts to manipulate the story to her family/friends.

Melody, I know you are a tough love person to those in this forum and I will follow advice and not waste the time of those who read and post, but I simply must veer from going nuclear before this shower as the fallout could wreck the support I am counting on. SIL did not threaten to pull this support, but I know she will be disappointed and may choose to let the events unfold on their own without her instigation.

I can not go to Vegas due to my work and no one locally to care for DD. WW and I moved here without family, so the ability for us to leave together somewhere is limited to events we carefully plan for.

I am being complacent to myself and this situation. However, I do not believe I am being seen as such from WW. She has spun this trip and all the nights out into a lie I believe she feels I am believing. From her standpoint, WW feels perhaps I am being fooled. The total exposure that I wasn't will come when I go nuclear and public on this 2nd A. It is not a matter or if or when - the date is set.

It is your money because you're married to each other. I guarantee that argument of "his and her" monies wouldn't fly in a divorce court.

Ok, easy question here. Do you mind if your wife goes to Vegas where, according to the commercials, what happens there stays there?

If the answer is no, get on the horn today and tell her family that you need them to call her and put a stop to her breaking up the family. I forget how many children you have, but remind them that there are little ones involved here. Surely someone in her family has the decency to help out in this.

What your wife is doing is ticking me off and I don't even know you. Put it this way, say I came to you and said that my wife was fooling around and planning a weekend trip to Vegas with the other guy while I stayed home and babysat. Oh, and I was financing the trip as well. What would you say?

Please let the crap hit the fan here. Don't think about it, just do it. Afterwards, when you look back, you'll see that it was the best move that you could make.

What would you do if your wife came back from this Vegas trip pregnant? Seriously.


Yep, it's cake and I just read another thread where this guy's WW was doing the same thing. She's trying to keep the status quo--you and OM in the same picture while prettying up the house in the process. My W did the same thing while the affair was still going on--it doesn't mean anything.