I would have a copy of that no contact letter in your back pocket today and ask her to end all contact with the OM. Tell her it is cruel and hurtful for her to continue contact while in your house.

And I would very much insist you tell the boys about the affair. Since it poses a potential threat to them, they need to know. I honestly think that telling her boys about the affair may kill it, fight. That will be a shock that might wake her up when she sees the horror on their little innocent faces.

I might say it like this: "these boys have a right to know about your affair since this affects them too. Psychologist say that it is poison to lie to little kids about this. Lets go set them down and tell them about your affair and about your plans to break up their family for your affair. They have a right to know."

Hi (fill in the blank family member),

Thanks so much for your support through this, it's been really brutal. WW is still on the fence and I'm devastated ~I really love her and the boys and want to make this work. I've already found a counselor who specializes in helping couples heal after an affair and I have a ton of hope ~ trouble is, she is still on the fence.

How would you feel about letting her know in no uncertain terms that this POSOM will never be welcome in your family? I think this will be a wake-up call to the reality of her what her life will be like if she doesn't dump him. I can't stand to think of what this will do to the boys.

Thanks for your support man...really appreciate it.

F4L

weekend update...

We had an excellent plan A weekend. Exercised together twice, took her to dinner Friday, lunch on Sat & Sun. Went to DS1's lax game. We were together 45 of the 48 hours. No A talk, no LBs. Gave me 5 or 6 compliments.

I talked a lot about the things that I admire about her, about the things I enjoy doing together and some of the things that I'd like to do together in the future. I also had a conversation about consequences which clearly upset her. Not much in the way of response, just respectful listening. I could see the churn at various points throughout the weekend - the heavy sighs, the far-away gazes, the mournful expressions, hearing the stomach doing summersaults.

We are taking an overnight trip to visit a college w/DS1 the end of this week, and she wants to do something together on the holiday on Monday.

She knows my conditions for staying together. Things are eerily placid on the surface. Is there a move for me at this point?

okay, the A has survived the inital shock of exposure. Feathers were ruffled but it seems like its settled into a game of wait and see. WW is mulling over what to do and I am doing my best to avoid becoming an emotional puddle during the day, and plan A'ing once she comes home.

We had a family dinner in a restaurant last night. She thanked me for a wonderful evening. But I also know she believes she is "in love" with OM and they are in daily contact on the phone (they have not seen one another since August).

I don't know if I should be letting her absorb the realities (we are only a week out from exposure) while doing plan A or if I should get more contentious.

Part of me says to lay low for a little while because I am only now getting my feet underneath me. I have a meeting set up for this week to help boost my income so that I will be in a position to keep the house w/o WW's salary and therefore make a pitch to keep the kids in their home.

I would appreciate any feedback our salty veterans have to offer.

fight4life - hang in there! I exposed on 2/7 & 2/8. I personally plan on Plan A'ing for as long as I can. It's extremely difficult at times. We had a family dinner last night that went well. I think your WW is further along than mine, I get no thanks and definitely no card, no hug, no nothing. I'm being told nightly that divorce is the only option and that she 'hates' me for exposing the affair. That was the final nail in the coffin, yada, yada, yada....

Like you, I think that I'm getting my balance back. I'm meeting with an attorney tomorrow to see about my legal options. She's agreed for me to have 100% custody of our DS and that I stay in the house. Trying to minimize the trauma to our DS. I need to get that in writing - in a legal separation probably.

This ain't easy - but you're still in the game.

you're still in the game too, Andy. Seems like the 2 of us and stretch are running parallel courses, more or less.

the more she hates you the more you've disrupted her fantasy. don't forget that.

Thanks f4l! She told me last night she's "humiliated." Good news for her is that parts of her family are circling the wagons around her. However, there's a notable hold out, her closest sister. A mother figure to her and she's fired up.

What happened with my suggestion to tell the boys? I would focus on bringing as much hell into her affair as possible. You can't let up. What about a background on loser boy? Is alienation of affection lawsuits available in your state?

Raise holy hell, fight!!

thanks Mel, i will not let up. I guess I just needed to hear that I needed more stick

alienation is not available

background - WW is already aware that he is in AA and that he made his family suffer a lot with infidelities and other shenanigans. He is an ex-cop

regarding the boys, I am working on something - not avoiding anything - need a couple of days to get ducks lined up, a couple of legal questions, a couple of financial questions.

one other piece that I think I can add - I gave up my career to be a full time dad. I don't know if I can leverage that as well but i am finding out

okay raising holy hell...

this is what I plan to tell her tonight

When we were married, you had the idea of having the boys join us in the ceremony. It was an utterly brilliant idea; everyone commented on how beautiful it was. Remember, I married not just you but DS1 & DS2, I made promises to them as well, promises from which I will never turn away.

I say this not to hurt you, but rather to let you synthesize the reality of the situation. A man who would intentionally destroy another family for his own selfish reasons is bad person and is corrupt to the core. That he has done similar things in the past is no surprise; that he we do it again in the future is a certainty. Therefore, I feel I have to protect the children from being exposed to such an immoral person.

If you decide to leave this marriage I will ask that the boys continue to live here with me. They would sleep in their bedrooms, in their home, with everything familiar around them, eat their same favorite meals and have the least disruption to their lives. I don�t want them to suffer one iota more than necessary.

They also have to know that nothing can stop me from being their father and that I want us to be a family. They have a right to know that it�s your choice to tear it apart and that I stand ready to do anything to bring us all together again. I cannot lie to them about that.

If I have to, I will petition for custody. Anyone in our state can do this, and I will be compelled to do so. That will probably mean suing on grounds of adultery, OM will be forced to testify, and phone records will be subpoenaed.

I would imagine that the court will inform ExH of the situation and he could choose to petition for changes as well. I certainly would like to keep him out of it, but I don�t know that it can be avoided.

I tell you this in the interest of you making your decision with eyes wide open and because I have to demonstrate to the boys that my love and commitment to them depends on no other factors. They are not disposable and I can�t let them endure another episode of being left without a father.

@fight4life -

The first thing I thought about your post is that it will come across as desperate. Don't do it. It will come out as a Disrespectful Judgment. Do demand the A end or it will end in divorce. Don't say to WS how much better this marriage will be if you only will commit.

You can't convince with words, a Wayward, that they need to choose BS. Plan A is about actions. Convince WS that you are capable of meeting ENs and you are safe to be with by removing LB behavior.

I think that sounds like a good thing to say to your WW, I can't see any reason NOT to. It does not sound desperate to me and I'm not sure how it's a DJ? It's all the truth.

If you find her talking to POSOM on the phone in your house, NEVER allow this. Go to her and demand she stop disrespecting you and your family in such a heinous mannter.

If she refuses to tell the boys TODAY, I would take matters into your own hands and tell them yourself. I did not wait for my FWH to "agree" to tell our kids about his A ~ I just told them. It's highly unlikely she's going to agree to this and the sooner you get their support (and she gets their disgust), the better off you are.

Don't wait any longer, tell them today, IMHO.

I have been using plan A to the hilt...she got flowers, cards and a nice dinner for Valentine's Day, she has told me many times that she is pleased with what I've done to improve our home life, she loves my cooking and what I am for the boys.

my VAR today played a conversation where she is still plotting to see POSOM next month. I feel like I need to back her up with something, put some heat on her somehow

Don't give up your source. Oh and of course put the heat to this.

Details on how she plans on meeting with POSOM.

Tell her what you wrote in your post. She needs to know that she stands significant unhappiness in continuing her A. She doesn't get that right now because you're using a lot of carrot. She needs some stick.

all I know is she's planning something for Mon Mar 14

she'll probably tell me 'oh I'm going to dinner with so-and-so' at the last minute or maybe she'll take a secret day off from work and they'll meet somewhere

I can't worry about that now, its still a while off, I need to start interfering more

Agreed. Use some stick. You are not a doormat and she needs to understand that in no uncertain terms.

You are willing to continue being the best H you can be and make your M better than ever but she MUST END HER AFFAIR for it to continue.

this is going from bad to worse.

I need a plan B here, quick. I feel like exposing to the boys and then going someplace where I don't have to be feel red-line anxiety and emotional exhaustion all the time

That is the whole point of plan B, when I told my boys of their fathers affair and his plan to leave the family somehow that lifted a weight off my shoulders. All of a sudden I didn't need to hold the burden in anymore, the important people to me knew and now I could actively protect them from any untruths...........
Right now times are tougher for you to get through but remember for today it's one foot in front of the other, get through one minute and then the next.
Remember to take care of yourself, your boys need you...........