Found out from my wife's boss's wife that he left her for my wife. When i confronted my wife with this (I had already had my suspicions) she admitted to it and told me that she was madly in love with him too. She has asked me for a divorce. We have two teenage boys...have been together for 18 years. She has told me it is an emotional affair and they have not had sex because the opportunity has not come up. i am not naive...I know a man who is twenty years oldere than my wife would not leave his wife of 35 years over an "emotional affair" My wife has told me she is moving in to her own apartment and has convinced our youngest son to go with her. She has not told our children about this affair and i don't have the heart to tell them either. I have told her even knowing what i know i still want her to come home and work on fixing our marriage with professional help...she refuses. She has become so hurtful to me with her veomous words and actions. Should i hold out hope?

feeling_duped - sorry you're here, but you found a good place. My advice is to start reading the articles here. The vets will come along and give you better direction.

Thank you Andy i have already started reading

So your wife is having an affair with her boss?

Start by exposing the hell out of this to all of your family, her family and his family if they are still living. More importantly, get the word out to the company they work for. There's a good exposure letter that people have used for that:

--------------------------------------
To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
---------------------------------------

Exposing this affair and dragging it out into the light is your best weapon here. Your children should definitely be told what is happening as they probably suspect that something's not right.

Do you and your wife still have a joint checking account? Joint credit cards? There's no point in you financing the affair. Separate them, get your name off of her accounts, etc.

Others will have better advice, but hopefully this will get you thinking. Read through posts made by others. You're not alone in this (sadly) but I've learned a lot from reading about the experiences of others.

Hang in there!

She hasn't told them because she knows that what she is doing is wrong and doesn't want to be cast in a bad light. By not telling them, you're enabling or keeping the secret for her. Since they're teenagers, they'll be able to understand what you're telling them and will respect you for being honest with them; for treating them like adults. They'll need your support in what will be a complete upheaval in an already difficult stage of life. And you'll need their support, too.

They will likely be your best weapon in killing this affair, so don't try to hide anything from them. I wouldn't be surprised if they said something to your wife and she needs to see the effect that this is having on their lives...to realize that it's not all about her anymore.

As someone else said in response to their wayward wife's complaint about exposing the affair, "Honey, if your affair is so great and wonderful I thought everyone should hear the good news!"


Normal behavior as she is not your wife right now. These threads are filled with people whose spouses say the exact same thing. It's almost a script and they have a way of revising history to support having an affair:

1. I've been so unhappy for such a long time.
2. I love you but I'm not in love with you (ILYBINILWY)
3. You just don't understand me
4. Why did we even marry?
5. Blah blah blah

She's an alien and it's called fog babble. Yes, you should hold out hope if you can follow the steps in the articles on this site. Start with exposing the affair and separating the two. With no contact (NC) you'll have a shot at rebuilding your marriage.

Welcome duped. I'm sorry this terrible thing is happening to you. But yes, there is hope. The plan is fairly specific - how are you at following a solid course of action?

There are a few things you need to do:
First, is there an owner, supervisor, CEO, President, anyone else over this 'boss' at work? You'll need to expose this affair to that superior.

You need to let your kids know what is going on. They are more than old enough to know that their mother is having an affair with her employer. Don't sugar-coat it with garbage like "I must have done something wrong, because your mother..." etc. Let her own her actions. You did nothing to instigate this affair. She CHOSE to have it.

How DARE she pollute your son's head by convincing him to leave his father, brother and home!!! You tell her that she will not be taking YOUR CHILDREN anywhere! If she must go, you can't tie her up. She doesn't take the kids out of their home, though. Uh-uh. NO WAY. Let her know that the romantic little love nest she's planning to set up for her fellow adulterer isn't a fit place for children.

You'll need to expose this to anyone else you can think of who can put pressure on the adulterers to end the affair. Their parents, children, extended family, pastor/spiritual advisor, (I've mentioned employer), Facebook friends, etc. Make a list. Who does she respect and look up to? They need to be at the top of the list, right up their with their employer. OM's family & friends need to be exposed to, as well.

OM's wife is your ally. Stay in contact with her so you can compare notes.

Have you read the articles on this site? They'll help you attack this A and kill it. I'd start with the Basic Concepts, here.

Then jump to how to survive this mess, here.

This doesn't mean the end of your marriage, duped. Not by a long stretch.


ETA: Do not tell her about exposure! Don't discuss it, don't threaten it, just get your plan together and DO IT. For some reason BS's (betrayed spouses) get this idea that, if they threaten their adulterous partner with exposure, the scales will suddenly fall off their eyes and they'll end the A on their own. THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN. Your threats will serve to drive the affair partners underground! Don't tip your hand! And don't tell her about this site right now.

Get your list of exposure targets together and come back here. We'll help you with the wording for your exposure.

Welcome,
I just want to lend support, you have already received some great advice for saving your marriage, right now exposure has to happen, your children should know from you so they don't hear from someone else........
I know it's tough but if you follow the advice and follow the plan the vets lay out for you the marriage has a chance of surviving........
Affairs only survive in secrecy, when it's out in the open and the affair partners know they are hurting the ones around them it's not as much fun...........
I'm sorry this is happening to you. ..........jessi

You had better read up about nuclear exposure. You have quite a bit to learn regarding exposure to the children.

Stay tuned to this site.

Expose this affair far and wide ~ do this TODAY. Your family, her family, all of your friends, HR at the company they work for. POSOM deserves to lose his job over this and if it saves your family, so does your W.

Tell your children TODAY. NOT telling them is far more damaging than telling them ~ they will think it's their fault if you lie about it or do not tell them.

You really cannot wait. Are you good at following a PLAN? The majority of us here who have followed the MB plan to a tee have saved our M. Those who don't play russian roulette with their marriages.

Your first step:
Expose
Expose
Expose

You cannot begin to try to save your M until you have done this crucial step.

duped, please tell us you're reading and absorbing - not running because there's effort required to kill this A.

You must expose now. Your WW is so confused that she is ready to end your M. Exposure is your best tactic to help bring her to her senses.

Wow...jsut got back on site...i want to thank everyone for their support..it means alot. I have never experienced such a punch in the gut like this before. It has become all consuming over me. Forget the notion of sex between them I am more bothered by the emotional ties.
Just the thought that my wife is confiding in another man and most likely trying to comfort him just kills me.
I t will kill me even worse if she signs a lease on an apartment which is a little less than a mile from our house...to me that seems like it would be the end all

So found out that my wife is stopping by to see kids tomorrow. I had a chance to sit and talk with them. They want their mother to come home and try to work on fixing things...they miss their mother. I told them to tell her these things if that's how they feel. Is it ok to tell my kids that or would that be viewed as manipulation? Really would like to hear from someone...

Yes it is ok because they are (nearly) adults and can think for themselves. Good job on taking that step.

Ok started plan A. I'm really scared right now. Talked calmly with WW and told her I love her and miss her as do our children and was willing to do whatever it takes to work in fixing things even knowing what I know. Her words are the same but I feel like her body language has changed somewhat...but I dont know if thats just wishful thinking on my end. She has been to our house on a few occassions for some different reasons but she stays a while and she does talk with me about the root of our problems. Just looking back at how things progressed up to the point of me being informed about A i am now wondering if she may be on the fence a little and i need to know what I can do to shake that fence and and catch her on OUR side. Trying to be calm and at least i AM NOW ABLE TO DO DO THAT. I have exposed to my family but cant yet bring myself to expose it everywhere...too scared right now.

Plan A without the "stick" part (ie, EXPOSURE) is really just Plan Doormat.

Plan Aing without EXPOSING is a huge mistake. Have you exposed this affair yet?

Did you read any of the posts above? You should tell your kids and everyone else about her affair. Are you listening to the advice being given?

If you want to save your marriage you need to stop being so being so timid and complacent. Your complacency comes reflects someone who doesn't care very much about his marriage.

Check out this radio clip from Dr Harley speaking to man JUST LIKE YOU whose wife is leaving him for her boss: "It's very difficult to overcome an affair when you become an enabler. In my judgement exposure would have ended your wife's affair." radio clip here

I know you are scared. I was you six months ago. Its crushing you, you can't eat or sleep or think of anything else.

I exposed and the affair died in like two hours. I am on the long road back.

Want to come with? Expose it right now, if you need instructions how just say so. But get it done.

Put your fear aside. Its not helping you.

Tattoo this on the back of your eyelids: Telling the truth is NEVER "manipulation".