I certainly don't think you need to go overboard on the Plan A stuff...but before Plan B is there a lot of stuff he will need to come get at the house??? Like personal items, clothes and such that once you go Plan B he will attempt to all the sudden need desperately???

Then...maybe you go Plan B when he comes home with your final Plan A stuff being:

1. House looks immaculate
2. his favorite dinner
3. House smells like chocolate chip cookies
4. You look your best....not overstated but hair, nails and maybe a tan (spray or real) such that you leave a lasting impression.


Then after dinner you send him out the door with all his stuff that you know he'll need packed up nice for him and you hand him the farewell Plan b letter with a kiss on the cheek and a meaningful hug and then CLOSE THE DOOR AND CHAIN IT.

He's OUT and YOU go dark as outlined by Plan B herein.

Just an idea. I've not done Plan B so I'm no expert. I know the first few weeks are really tough for you as YOU will go through withdrawal yourself and your own brain will play tricks on you rationalizing and justifying contact just as your wh will try to break through your resolve. The combo of simultaneous withdrawals makes it really hard to hold up your end of staying dark. Many fail and each and every failure only makes Plan B worse and less effective. At least your husband is out of town weekdays so you'll only have to really control yourself on the weekends....but GO DARK.

Mr. Wondering

Just to piggyback on Mr. Wondering's great advice:

After you go to Plan B, use this site as your support system and "Plan B breakage-preventer!" Before you make any moves to break Plan B, whether it be by "peeking" at Facebook or any such other thing -- no matter how innocuous -- stop here first and write about it.

Even the smallest 'crack' in Plan B can put back your recovery clock.

Seriously.

I speak from experience.

And today I am in the darkest Plan B imaginable. A black hole has more light to it than my Plan B.

Yes I am familiar with breaking Plan B on both parts. Before I found MB...I did a Plan B all on my own, not really knowing the in's and out's of it. WH broke plan B not even 2 days into it, by texting me pictures of our kids who were with him on a summer trip. It was his way of making sure I didn't forget about him, even it if was just the kids in the pics.

Then about 5 days after that, I BROKE Plan B by looking at OW's FB photos and seeing pictures of them at dinner, looking quite cozy and in love. There was a picture of him kissing her on the cheek, and I had had just enough wine at dinner out with my friends, that I went home and drunk dialed him and laid into him for the pictures. That wasn't pretty and it blasted the whole idea of NC that I was trying to do with him.

Oh no, don't hand deliver it unless he is heading out the door and won't be coming back. Once that letter is in his hand, there should be no more nothing. So if you do give it to him, either mail it, email it or hand it to him so there is no more discussion afterwards. You don't even want to be getting into a discussion about Plan B. You just shut the door and don't let him through. DARK AS NIGHT.

And then you have to have a plan for his attempts to get through to you. He will frantically try to regain control and will come up with all sorts of reasons why you have to speak to him again. He will not like losing control.

When you do your letter, I would suggest keeping it short, to about 5-6 paragraphs, tops.

*YOU* broke Plan B in that instance by looking at the pictures. It is up to YOU, not him to protect Plan B. It will be up to you to block his emails, texts, smoke signals, etc. He may even barge in the house so you will want to change the locks. But it is your job to keep the darkness. It is EXPECTED he will do everything to get through.

Oh okay, that is good to know..I will mail it to him I guess..I think if I try to email it to him, he will try to email me back.

I don't know that I want an IM. We really don't have any mutual friends.. He has never liked any of my friends and his friends are off too busy with their lives, plus most of them are jerks who egged him on with his affair. My parents don't live here, nor do his. I honestly know of anyone who can be an IM for us. How about if I just ask him to communicate with me regarding anything house related, kids etc. through email? I will suggest that texting will not work for me. That way he won't get an immediate response...which I am more likely to want to do when I see a text. Instead I will check my email when I get off work. For whatever reason, texting makes me emotional when I see his name pop up on my phone.

One other thing, what to do with his clothing. He has a ton of it here...should I box it all up and UPS it to him in LA? Maybe do it without asking him? Or maybe UPS it over to OW's house? He will probably be in town this weekend, I can see what he can take with him...Fit it into one of his suitcases and check his bag on his flight back??

But he can't email you back if he is blocked or you cancel your email account. And you will want to do that anyway because this is one way he will try and get through.


That defeats the purpose of Plan B. You can't very well tell him no contact and then allow him to contact you. That makes no sense and completely defeats the purpose of Plan B altogether. What you describe is what Harley calls "Plan C" which is the most likely to end in divorce.

I would box it all up and send it to him.

Do you have a close friend who has some spine who could act as an intermediary? It doesn't have to be someone who lives close to you. And he doesnt have to like her. He gets no vote.

I am also going to let him set up his own visitation with the kids...they are teenagers, so I'm not worried about letting their dad call their cell phones and setting up a pickup time. They can tell him other things when he calls too and leave me completely out of the picture.

I still would like to know if I should address the Costa Rica trip in the Plan B letter?? I know once he gets the letter he's gonna go anyway, he turns it around to make it sound like "well you broke up with me, why wouldn't I go".

But you won't know how he turns it around because you will be in PLAN B! And who cares how he spins it? That is not your problem.

I don't see any point in addressing the Costa Rica trip. Do you have the book SAA so you can use the letter in there? I would post the letter and let us give you feedback.

I will post what I have so far. It's kind of all mixed up cause I am adding in things, taking things out.

Dear WH
I apologize for my part in creating the conditions that helped make your affair possible. I feel that I set you up for seeking out someone else who would meet your emotional needs. For this I am deeply sorry. It was never my intention, but somehow I didn't understand how it was affecting you nor did I realize how to meet those important needs. Because I wasn't there for you, when you needed me the most, we are both now suffering for my mistake.

right now my heart is breaking writing this letter to you. I am breaking emotionally, physically, and mentally.I have reached my limit trying to hang on to our marriage. Something just snapped in me, and I knew that someday it would...I just really didn�t know when.

You have told me you cannot make up your mind and that you want both J and I. This is torture for me. We each played our role in this and chose our actions. I just cannot bear the pain anymore while you are still involved and giving your time and emotional/physical love to someone else. Please understand that I am only doing this to protect myself from more pain, to protect my feelings for you and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery. Like you said before, you are emotionally exhausted. The toll on both of us has become too much.
That is why we must separate.

I am not trying to punish you or make you feel any certain way about me/us. I am not trying to pressure you for anything. I am not trying to burden you. I know I mentioned ultimatum the other night, but that was the wrong word. This letter is not an ultimatum. I have never wanted to give you any ultimatums, hoping that you would choose the right door on your own. I feel terrible about what is going on but I have to be strong. I need to stop seeing or talking to you under these circumstances. Please respect my decision to separate from you in this way. If you choose to come back and work on our marriage, I want to know that you made the decision on your own and weren�t pressured to make that decision by me.


I am willing to avoid the mistakes of my past.. I want to continue to grow as a person and as your partner for life. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with J once and for all.

Am I willing to work reconciliation? Absolutely, 100% if you are willing to do the work with me.
As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from J and are willing to follow the steps needed to make sure you have completely cut off all contact then I am more than willing to talk about our future. For reconciliation to happen I would need the following from you before making a commitment to reconcile:

A sincere, remorseful apology
Why you think this happened (name the problem or main emotional needs I wasn�t meeting)
A detailed recovery plan for our marriage (what it is and how YOU plan to implement it)
Proof that you have cut off all contact.. I know you like your privacy...but letting me check cell phone records and emails for 6 mos. so that I can build my trust back.


I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each others emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I believe we can learn from our mistakes and grow from them. We can rebuild our love and become a family again. A great family and marriage!

With regards to me and my actions in the last year and half, I believe that I really did try to address your emotional needs, but you wouldn�t let me in the door. One of my favorite things to do for you is cook your favorite meals. I do that out of love for you, with no expectations. I really do miss you kissing me after a meal and telling me how good it was. I know something so small, really meant a lot to me and I feel like that was an emotional need I was happy to take care of for you. Other small things, like bringing you a newspaper because I know you love a good Sunday paper or bringing you shaved ice on a hot day, buying iced tea cause I know you like it, taking you to the foot spa with me, meeting you as soon as you get off the plane because we can wait to see you are among a list of things I do for you out of pure love, during the worst emotional storm anyone could withstand. As for the emotional needs I wasn�t meeting in the past, I sure tried to meet them as best as I could for you in order to save us.


I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing J.
When you have permanently severed contact with her I will be overjoyed to talk about our future. My love for you has never wavered. I loved you in the beginning and I love you even more now. I want to be able to rebuild our marriage into a new life where we meet each other's emotional needs. Where our actions and everything we do makes both of us both happy. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me, through sickness and health, for richer or poorer. I hope you realize how much I love talking with you and how much I miss your affection. I want you to be my best friend and lover.
My hopes are to someday bring our family back together. The process of getting us to that point is up to you. If your hopes are the same as mine it will show in your actions and commitment to your own personal recovery and healing.



From the bottom of my heart, I Love You.

I know it's long but I am still editing it. Taking out things that don't belong.

Oh yeah,that is way, way too long. I would cut that back to about 4 paragraphs. You have to remember your audience here. He is fogged out and is not going read alot of stuff to get the point. So keep it short and concise.

I'll work more on it tomorrow...this is like homework!

@Trista -

Do you really understand the intent of Plan B?

You are defeating the purpose of Plan B by having contact with him, Trista. He doesn't have to like your friends. They're not playing the role of 'friend' to your WH. They are there to filter out the drama that your H will inevitably bring to the table by having contact with you.

If you are in contact you are not in Plan B. I've been following your thread and I thought you were heading down the right path - now I'm worried about you.

Yes, it's pretty much like telling him it's over and moving on with my life without him. If he decides he wants the marriage, then he has a piece of paper telling him what it would take to reconcile with me. Am I right?